


Prism

by linksofmemories



Series: B-Side [2]
Category: GOT7
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Beta Choi Youngjae, Beta Jackson Wang, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:08:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 28
Words: 88,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22223071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/linksofmemories/pseuds/linksofmemories
Summary: Youngjae was used to being an anchor for others. He made people want to open up to him and rely on him, let him take care of them. For the most part, he was content with that, but he always knew when to draw the line in the sand and stop someone before they took complete advantage of him. But there was something about Jackson that made him want to give himself away entirely. And he wasn't sure if he wanted to fight that.
Relationships: Choi Youngjae/Jackson Wang, Im Jaebum | JB/Kim Yugyeom/Mark Tuan, Kunpimook Bhuwakul | BamBam/Park Jinyoung
Series: B-Side [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1592698
Comments: 100
Kudos: 224





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in the same universe as my [_Fractured Colors_](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1096779) series, but it is not necessary at all for you to read any of those fics first. I wrote that series before I started stanning GOT7, so the boys aren't even mentioned in it. They're completely standalone stories.
> 
> It is also not necessary for you to have read the first fic in this series. So, if you're just here for JackJae, then you're not going to be confused.
> 
> Korean ages do not exist in this fic. Everyone is referred to and refers to themselves as their international age.
> 
> Also, I know everyone writes ABO fics differently, so I wrote a primer for mine. [Here is the link to the info on my tumblr.](http://erinmichelley.tumblr.com/aboprimer) Even though this info won't be super important in this fic since the main romance is between two betas and betas are just considered to be ordinary humans in this world.
> 
> [Moodboard](https://twitter.com/linksofmemories/status/1287588450946998283)

“I can’t believe you’re actually going to audition.”

Youngjae sighed, for what felt like the tenth time that afternoon, looking up at his bedroom ceiling and mentally preparing the same answer he had already voiced countless times. He looked back at Kyungmo, his classmate and friend, whose wide eyes seemed to be waiting for his defense.

“I don’t know what’s so unbelievable about it,” Youngjae said. “They’re holding a private audition at our school. I want to be a singer. I want people to take my music seriously, so it seems like a good idea.”

“Yeah, but it’s JYP,” Kyungmo said. “They’re an idol company.”

“I know.”

“And you want to be an idol?” he asked. “ _You_?”

“If you’re just going to insult me, I’m going to finish this project by myself and I won’t put your name on it,” Youngjae said. “I already got approval from my parents. I don’t know why you think I’m looking for your blessing as well.”

“Lighten up, Jae.”

They were sitting on Youngjae’s bed together, his laptop perched on his knee as he scribbled down notes in his notebook. Youngjae was already doing most of the work, but he knew that he wouldn’t take Kyungmo’s name off the assignment. He had been told too many times by his teachers and friends and even family that he was too soft. That he tended to go along with whatever the people around him thought was best.

“Obviously you’re the best singer in our class,” he said. “And I really like the lyrics you’ve shown me from your original work. If they don’t want you in their company, then they’re a bunch of dumbasses.” Kyungmo placed his hand over one of Youngjae’s. “But do you really want to be an idol? You’d have to train for years and learn how to do stupid dances and wear makeup and be put in a group with like 10 other guys. You shouldn’t want that for yourself. You’re a real artist, you know? You should be a soloist.”

Youngjae tried to listen to what he was saying, but he could only seem to focus on Kyungmo’s fingers stroking the back of his hand, one of his fingernails scratching against his skin. He pulled his hand away.

“Everyone starts somewhere,” Youngjae said. “I’m doing this for me, okay? Can’t you just support me?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said. “I’ll always support you. I still think it’s a waste of your talent though.”

They didn’t talk about the audition again. Youngjae managed to bring Kyungmo’s focus back onto their school assignment. They made some progress for about 30 minutes before Youngjae went back to thinking about the audition.

His brother, Woojeong, was the one who wanted him to do it. It wasn’t like he didn’t know that it was a good opportunity, but his original thoughts sounded a lot like Kyungmo’s worries. Youngjae wanted to be taken seriously as an artist. He wanted to be respected. That was what he told his brother, but he was quick to bring him back to reality. If he passed on this opportunity, then it could be something he regretted for the rest of his life. He had to at least give it a chance.

“You’re the one who wanted to work on our project,” Kyungmo said, bringing him out of his thoughts. “And now you’re completely zoning out. Let’s take a break.”

Before Youngjae had time to agree or disagree with him, Kyungmo took his laptop away from him, setting it down on the floor before carelessly pushing all of the notebooks and pens off the bed. Youngjae supposed it was a good thing he at least treated his laptop with care.

“What kind of break?” Youngjae asked. “You want to get something to eat?”

“No, uh, not that kind of break,” Kyungmo said. “I actually wanted to talk to you about something. My girlfriend’s parents are going on a trip next weekend and she’ll have the house to herself and she told me she wants me to spend the night then.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said. “So, you two are going to…”

“That’s the plan,” he said. Kyungmo rubbed the back of his neck and his face was getting redder with every word he spoke. “Remember last month? When we…messed around? Could we do that again? I don’t want to embarrass myself when I’m with her.”

He didn’t think what they did was just messing around. It wasn’t like he had that much experience, so what he had done with Kyungmo had felt new and exciting and something he thought they were discovering together. Youngjae didn’t expect Kyungmo to ask him to be his boyfriend or kiss him in public, but he definitely didn’t expect him to get a girlfriend the week after it happened.

“I’m sure she’s not expecting you to be some kind of expert,” Youngjae said. “You’re not going to embarrass yourself.”

“Yeah, but I could impress her by lasting longer than the average guy our age,” Kyungmo said. “Come on, it’s not like I’m the only one getting anything out of this. You told me you were gay. How many other guys are going to let you do this?”

“I’m not gay,” Youngjae said. “I’m bi. I told you that. It’s different.”

“Whatever,” Kyungmo said, rolling his eyes.

Youngjae could tell that he either thought Youngjae was straight and in denial, or gay and in denial. That seemed to be the popular reaction people had whenever someone mentioned being bisexual.

“You seriously want to cheat on your girlfriend?” Youngjae asked.

“It’s not cheating,” Kyungmo said. “I’m not doing it with another girl. Just help me out, okay? I’ll get you off too. No one has to know. We both win.”

It didn’t sound as mutually beneficial to Youngjae as Kyungmo was trying to make it seem. He picked at the skin around one of his nails, frowning deeply and trying to make it look like he was very disappointed in Kyungmo’s poor decisions. They both knew it was an act though.

“Please,” Kyungmo said, putting his hands on Youngjae’s thighs and leaning forward until he could press their foreheads together. “We’re just taking a little study break, having some fun. Help me out, Youngjae-yah. We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Youngjae hadn’t fooled around with that many people, but Kyungmo seemed to think he was an expert. He liked to think that he was only naturally curious. People tended to feel safe with him, like they could be more themselves. It was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because he could easily get closer to people and a curse, because whenever he got close, they would shut him out immediately.

Being with girls was easier. They were sweeter, more open. None of them were embarrassed or ashamed of him or made him feel bad about himself. Youngjae supposed that was only natural. There was nothing wrong with a male beta being with a female beta. It was what was expected of him.

Jerking off one of his male classmates while he breathed in his ear and dug his fingers into his arms wasn’t what was expected of him.

“Give me a second, stop,” Kyungmo said, panting against the skin of his neck. “I was about to come.”

“Isn’t that the idea?” Youngjae said.

“Not so soon,” he said. “I want to try and last longer, remember? For my girlfriend? Try and be gentler. Like you’re nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.”

“Of course not. You’ve done this before.”

Youngjae wanted to stop completely. He couldn’t help but think about the last time he did this with Kyungmo, before he got a girlfriend. The touches weren’t one-sided, they kissed, Kyungmo couldn’t take his eyes off of him. Now, he was looking right past Youngjae at his bedroom wall and he was making no moves to unbuckle his pants and reciprocate.

“Okay, start again,” he said. “Slower this time. You’re trying too hard.”

“I’m just trying to get you off.”

He gripped Kyungmo’s cock again, giving it a gentle stroke before circling the head with his thumb. Youngjae heard his breath hitch in his throat and his hips jerked forward and then he was pushing Youngjae off of him.

“Stop,” Kyungmo said. “You don’t get it.”

“Do you want me to apologize for being better at giving you a hand job than your girlfriend?” Youngjae said.

“No,” he said. “No, fuck, I don’t know.” He ran a hand through his hair, his shoulders dropping. “You just make me feel really good and I…I’m a little freaked out, I guess. I keep thinking about last time.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said. He could feel himself blushing, but he tried not to focus on that. “That’s not a bad thing.”

“It is though,” Kyungmo said. “I don’t want to be gay. It’s cool that you’re okay with being gay and I’m not like, I’m not homophobic or whatever but that’s not – that’s not me.”

Youngjae bit his tongue, trying not to correct him again by telling him that he was bisexual. The worst part about spending time with Kyungmo, especially when _this_ was how they spent their time together, was that he actually liked him. He really liked him.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me,” Youngjae said. “I get it. It’s fine. I know you’re not into guys. Being touched feels good. It’s not a big deal.”

“Right, exactly,” Kyungmo said. His relief made Youngjae’s stomach churn. “It’s just a hand. It’s not you that I’m into.”

“Of course not,” Youngjae said. “I never thought that.”

They both nodded, like they were trying to convince themselves that what they were saying was the truth. Youngjae knew that they were both just trying to cover up whatever confusion Kyungmo was feeling.

“So, go for it,” Kyungmo said, grabbing Youngjae’s wrist and bringing his hand back to his cock. “You don’t have to act like my girlfriend. Just do what you want. Like with any of the other guys at our school you’ve hooked up with.”

Two. Youngjae had hooked up with two guys at their school. Kyungmo and a third year who was on the baseball team. It wasn’t the most impressive list, but he wasn’t going to correct him. Let him think that he was more experienced than he actually was. He couldn’t care less.

He took Kyungmo into his hand again, pulling with quick and even strokes, tightening his hand up slightly. It wasn’t anything that he didn’t do when he was jerking himself off. Kyungmo seemed to think he was a master at this, given how loud his breathing was getting and how his fingernails were biting into Youngjae’s skin. He leaned forward, risking a kiss on a patch of skin right under Kyungmo’s ear, right as he spilled over his fist.

And right as Youngjae’s mother opened his bedroom door.

The air around them seemed to completely still. Time felt like it had stopped and Youngjae was able to experience one final second of peace before everything went up in flames.

“What are you two _doing_?!” she yelled.

Kyungmo pushed away from him, stumbling off the bed and zipping up his pants so quickly that Youngjae thought it was a miracle he didn’t snag his dick on something. He looked frantically from Youngjae to his mother, his eyes wide with panic. For some reason, Youngjae could only think about how he needed to get rid of Kyungmo’s come that was drying on his hand.

“I’ve got to go,” Kyungmo said, grabbing his bag from the floor. “Nothing happened. He-He made me do it, Eomeoni. Please don’t tell my parents I…”

He didn’t finish his statement. Kyungmo rushed out of his room, slipping past Youngjae’s mother. His loud footsteps could be heard clearly throughout the house before the front door slammed shut.

“Clean up,” she said, after a few more long seconds of painful silence. “Come to the kitchen. We’re talking to your father.”

And then she was gone.

Youngjae knew he only had a few minutes to collect himself before his father came to his room and dragged him out of it. He went to the bathroom he shared with his brother across the hall, washing his hands and trying not to let the tears stinging at his eyes fall. His bottom lip started to wobble and he bit his teeth into, forcing it to stop.

He had never felt so humiliated. Kyungmo’s panicked words to his mother kept repeating in his mind over and over again. “ _He made me do it_.” Youngjae felt sick.

“Take a seat,” his father said when he walked into the kitchen.

Youngjae sat down at the table across from his parents. He folded his hands in his lap and looked at the tabletop, his eyes following the lines of the woodgrain.

“We’re not going to tell Kyungmo’s parents,” his mother said.

“Okay,” Youngjae said, hating how small his voice sounded.

“I know some boys do things like that when they’re young,” his father said. “They mess around, but I don’t think you would be this upset if it was just messing around.”

He wasn’t even giving Youngjae a way out. This was a full-on confrontation and he couldn’t defend himself.

“Youngjae, you’ve always been…more sensitive than your siblings,” his mother said. “At first I thought it was just because you’re the youngest, but maybe that’s not why. Are you–”

“I’m bi,” he said.

It was difficult to mask his own surprise at how quickly the words left him. Youngjae finally looked up from the table, to look at his parents’ faces and try and read their reactions. There wasn’t any disgust or pity or shame on their features. They were confused, like he had caught them completely off guard.

“And what does that mean exactly?” his mother asked.

“It means that I…I.” His tongue felt heavy in his mouth and he could suddenly hear his heartbeat pounding in his ears. Saying it was one thing, but going into detail about it was another thing entirely. “I like both. Uh. Girls and…guys. Whoever, really. But only betas. I like betas. All other, uh, betas.”

He had been 12 when he realized that girls weren’t the only ones who grabbed his attention. Youngjae supposed he was lucky to have been so young when he came to terms with his own sexuality. He heard stories of people coming out when they were much older, middle-aged. His realization came during gym class in middle school. It was cliché, like something out of a coming-of-age book, but it was what happened to him.

At first he thought he was open to anyone, but entering high school and actually starting to become intimate with a few people made him realize that alphas and omegas weren’t for him. He liked the neutrality of his fellow betas. There weren’t any ruts or heats to worry about. No weird animal instincts that he couldn’t understand. Sometimes he felt like everyone was infatuated with alphas and omegas except for him. He just didn’t see the appeal.

“You like girls?” his father asked after a minute of excruciating silence. “You still like girls?”

“Yes,” Youngjae said.

“That’s good to hear.” The relief in his voice felt like a sting. “Then you can just focus on that. There are plenty of pretty girls out there.”

“I know,” Youngjae said.

He wanted to tell his father that there were plenty of pretty boys out there too. Pretty non-binary people. Pretty betas. His mouth still felt like it was glued shut though.

Youngjae didn’t want to upset his father either. This interaction was going a lot better than he thought it would, so he didn’t want to push his luck. Especially now that his parents looked like they could breathe again. Their entire bodies weren’t tense anymore, like they were bracing for impact.

“You can do that, can’t you?” his father said. “Just worry about the part of you that likes girls. You can have a good life that way.”

That wasn’t how it worked though. There wasn’t a “part” of him that liked girls. All of him liked girls. It wasn’t like he was suppressing sides of himself. That wasn’t–

Explaining it to his parents wouldn’t do any good. They were kind, but old-fashioned. In their eyes, what he did with Kyungmo was an incident that didn’t need to be repeated. They had solved the case. Their youngest child could be normal if he only put his mind to it.

“I can do that,” Youngjae said. “Besides, I like girls a lot more. It’s not 50/50. So, it’s fine.” He hated himself a little bit with every word he spoke. “I’m sorry, Eomma. I shouldn’t have–”

“We won’t mention it again,” she said. She reached her hand across the table, palm up like she was expecting to be given something. He put one of his own hands over hers. “We love you, Youngjae.”

“I love you, too,” he said.

“Next time you have a friend over, the door stays open,” his father said. “No more going over to other people’s houses to study either. I don’t know how to tell their parents that you might–”

“Okay,” Youngjae said. “I get it. I’m sorry.” He stood up from the table, feeling his eyes start to sting again. “Am I excused?”

“I suppose we can finish our talk later,” his mother said. “Go on.”

He left the kitchen and went right back to his room without looking back at them. Youngjae shut his door behind him before sinking down on to the floor, putting his face in his hands. He tried to tell himself that he was lucky. Other boys got beat to a bloody pulp for getting caught doing what he had done. Other boys got kicked out of their homes. He was so lucky. He had no reason to cry.

His phone, that he had left charging on his desk, started to vibrate. Youngjae tried to ignore it at first, but it kept going, like he was being called again and again. He stayed on the floor, crawling over to his desk and reaching up to take his phone. Kyungmo’s name appeared on the screen and he tried to even his breathing before he answered it.

“Youngjae?” he said. “It’s you, right? Are you okay? What did your parents–”

“I didn’t make you do anything,” Youngjae said. “You’re the one who asked me to touch you.”

There was a pause of silence so long that he thought Kyungmo had hung up before he finally spoke again.

“I panicked,” he said. “And it’s not like…it’s not like I wanted that. Last time we did that, you were so pushy about it. I was just going along with it. The other guys in our class all know about you. I bet you’ve done it with all of them. I just wanted to see what the big deal was–”

“Fuck off, Kyungmo,” Youngjae said before hanging up.

The phone continued to ring, but he ignored it. His hands were shaking and all he could think about was how Kyungmo was going to cover his tracks. Youngjae didn’t have any plans of telling anyone what happened, but Kyungmo didn’t know that. What would he tell their classmates about him tomorrow morning? What would he tell his girlfriend? Youngjae had no idea.

What he did know was that he needed to pass that audition. He needed to get out of Mokpo as quickly as possible.

And he was never going to let himself have feelings for a straight guy who only saw him as an experiment ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

“I’m sorry,” Bambam said, holding his knees tighter to his chest and looking at Youngjae with annoyingly adorable puppy eyes. “I thought it was someone else at the door. One of the other guys. It was just supposed to be a prank.”

“You don’t have to keep apologizing,” Youngjae said. “You just took me by surprise. And now I have an image in my mind that I can’t seem to unsee.”

Bambam, one of the other trainees at the company, who was only a year younger than him but somehow looked five years younger than him, was someone he had only met an hour ago. It was Youngjae’s first day living in the dorm for trainees at the company. He had been given the passcode for the door to the dorm and after opening it, he was greeted by a completely naked Bambam. There hadn’t been much time for him to really comprehend what he had seen, before Bambam yelled out an “I’m sorry!” and then ran out of the room.

Now they were sitting on the couch in the main room and (a fully dressed) Bambam was apologizing for what felt like the hundredth time.

“Sorry,” he said again.

“It’s okay,” Youngjae said. “I didn’t even see anything. It was all a blur.”

“You just said that you have an image in your mind that you can’t unsee.”

“It’s a very blurry image,” Youngjae said. “So, uh, where is everyone else?”

“Out,” Bambam said, shrugging. “They said they were going grocery shopping, but I doubt it. They’re probably seeing a movie or something.”

“Why didn’t you go with them?”

“I’m not really feeling up to it,” Bambam said. “My heat is set to start tomorrow and they’re always pretty bad, so I just wanted to stay at home.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said.

He didn’t know what else to say. There hadn’t been many omegas at his school back home. None of them were in his class and he hadn’t talked to any of them either. His entire family was made up of only betas. Even though his first impression of Bambam was seeing him completely naked, he was too shocked to actually take a good look at him. It wasn’t like he wanted to either.

“Is there anything I can do to help?” Youngjae asked. His intentions were to get Bambam a glass of water if he needed one, but he quickly realized how that statement sounded. “Not like that. I don’t want to help you like _that_. I just…like, pain relievers? Uh, ice cream?”

Luckily, Bambam found his fumbling words amusing more than anything. He laughed, all the awkwardness from his insistent apologizing having evaporated.

“No, that’s okay,” Bambam said. “I can take care of myself. I usually go to one of the heat rooms at the company, or kick everyone else out of the dorm. Except for Mark. He’s one of the other omegas in the group and our heats are lined up. You should be meeting him soon.” He looked at his phone to check the time. “If they ever come back.”

“Have they been gone long?” Youngjae asked.

“It’s been a few hours,” he said. “They’ll be home eventually.” Bambam leaned back against the couch. “So, I’m guessing you’re a beta?”

“Is it that obvious?” Youngjae asked.

“Yeah, it really is,” Bambam said. “That’s cool. There are plenty of other betas in the training group. Three alphas: Jinyoung, Jaebeom, Sungjin. The two other omegas beside me are Mark, obviously, and Chan. That’s just the group with the guys though. The girls are all mostly betas.”

“That’s pretty balanced,” Youngjae said.

It didn’t matter that the training group was that balanced though, he supposed. What did matter would be the final makeup for whatever group they decided to place him into. If that day would ever come. Youngjae knew the risks of joining an idol company and he had heard stories of people taking years to debut, if they even debuted at all. He would hopefully have time before he debuted to get to know everyone and figure out where he belonged.

Their conversation was interrupted by the front door opening and a group of boys walking into the room, all talking and laughing loudly and paying no attention to Youngjae or Bambam. That was until the last member of the group walked in, closing the door behind him and instantly looking to the couch. Youngjae was surprised to find that he recognized him since he was someone who had already debuted.

“Bam-ah, how are you feeling?” he asked, pressing the back of his hand to Bambam’s forehead.

“I’m fine,” Bambam said, pushing his hand away. “Tomorrow is the day you’ll have to worry about me, Jinyoung-hyung.”

“And I’ll worry about you without being anywhere near you,” Jinyoung said.

“Good idea,” Bambam said.

While Jinyoung was smiling at Bambam like an older brother doting on a little brother, Bambam was looking at him with affection that Youngjae couldn’t see as familial or platonic. Youngjae knew that Jinyoung was an alpha from what little he knew about JJ Project, so he could understand why Bambam seemed so flustered around him.

“You’re Youngjae, right?” Jinyoung asked, taking his attention off of Bambam. “I’m Jinyoung. They told us you were showing up today.”

“When did they tell us that?” Bambam asked. “If I knew he was showing up, I wouldn’t have – never mind.”

“You wouldn’t have what?” Jinyoung asked.

“Nothing,” Bambam said. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.”

“Clearly it’s not nothing if–”

“He opened the door naked,” Youngjae said.

The scandalized gasp Bambam made was almost as funny as Jinyoung choking on his own spit in surprise.

“I see how it is,” Bambam said, his hand over his heart. “You give off this sweetheart image, but you’re actually a total dick, huh?”

For maybe the first time since he arrived in Seoul, all of the tension and nervousness and uncertainty seemed to leave his body. Youngjae tilted his head back, letting out a loud laugh at the outraged look on Bambam’s face. He had been so worried about not fitting in or being left out. At his school back home he was always the friendly face people went to and no one ever suspected that he was anything but a perfect, innocent angel. That was of course before everything happened with Kyungmo.

It was nice to meet someone like Bambam who didn’t want to automatically put him into a box and keep him trapped there.

“We never agreed not to tell anyone else,” Youngjae said. “You should have sworn me to secrecy first.”

“Hyung, I don’t like the new trainee,” Bambam said to Jinyoung. “We need to send him back.”

“You’re the one who opened the door naked,” Jinyoung said. “I think you deserve this.”

“What did Bam do now?”

All three of them turned around to see who entered the room. Youngjae wasn’t surprised to see that he looked to be around the same age as them, but he was surprised by the tank top he was wearing, cut out on the sides and showing off more than just his arms. He clearly spent a lot of time worried about his physical fitness and Youngjae was not upset about that. There was a lot to appreciate. Youngjae assumed he was an alpha, but he couldn’t place him in the short list Bambam had given him. He obviously wasn’t Jinyoung, and he knew what Jaebeom looked like, but Sungjin was also a Korean name and this mystery man had an accent.

“He’s already traumatized poor Youngjae,” Jinyoung said, pointing to him.

“Being traumatized by Bambam _is_ kind of like a rite of passage around here,” he said, leaning over the back of the couch. He looked at Youngjae. “Do you think you’ll survive?”

“I’ll manage,” Youngjae said. “I’m Youngjae, by the way.”

“I know,” he said. “Jinyoung just said your name and they told us the new trainee was showing up today.”

“They really told everyone but me, huh,” Bambam said. “No one tells me anything.”

“Yeah, because you’re a baby,” he said, flicking the side of Bambam’s head. Bambam started to grumble about how much of a baby he wasn’t, but he was ignored. “I’m Jackson. It’s nice to meet you.”

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Youngjae said. “Where are you from?”

“Hong Kong,” Jackson said.

“How’d you end up here?”

“Well, that is a long story that I would love to tell you all about, but I don’t have the time right now,” Jackson said. He pushed on Jinyoung’s shoulder, giving him a smug grin. “You owe me 20,000 won, by the way. Girl at the convenience story with the lip piercing? She agreed to go on a date with me.”

“But she hates you,” Jinyoung said. “That doesn’t even make any sense.”

“Who cares if it makes sense?” Jackson said. “She wants me. Pay up.”

“You’re infuriating,” Jinyoung said.

The two left the room without another word or glance to Youngjae and Bambam, like they forgot about their existence. Youngjae watched them go, thinking that Jinyoung seemed like a decent alpha and Jackson seemed…well, Jackson was hot. So, he was nice to look at, Youngjae supposed.

“They’re annoying,” Bambam said. “Especially Jackson.”

There was a lot of fondness in his voice that suggest that Bambam didn’t find Jackson that annoying at all. It wasn’t the same affection that he looked at Jinyoung with, it was brotherly and for some strange reason made Youngjae miss his own brother. He hadn’t expected to get homesick so quickly after leaving Mokpo, but all he could think about was giving his family a call to let them know he had arrived safely. It was a phone call he had already planned on making, but he was looking forward to it even more now.

“How long have you all been trainees?” Youngjae asked.

“Everyone’s been here for at least two years,” Bambam said.

“Oh, wow,” Youngjae said, feeling instantly discouraged. “I guess I’ll see the rest of you debut before me.”

“You never know,” Bambam said. “Anything can happen.”

Youngjae appreciated the optimism, but he wasn’t sure he fully believed it. He was proud of his singing abilities, but dancing had never been something he focused on before. Everyone was years ahead of him, so he would have a lot of catching up to do.

Bambam brought him around the dorm, introducing him to the other guys. There was a group of musicians who all played instruments and were more than likely not going to enter an idol group. Youngjae crossed them off his mental list of potential competition. The two youngest were the same age as Bambam, the other omega he had mentioned earlier and a lanky beta who looked a lot older than he actually was.

“I’m Yugyeom,” the beta said, cheerily introducing himself. He was taller than Youngjae, making him wonder when the 15 year-old had his growth spurt to already make him so tall. “It’s nice to have another trainee who’s close to our age. We were getting outnumbered by all the hyungs.”

“He’s still a hyung,” Bambam said.

“I know,” Yugyeom said. His face lit up in some sort of realization. “Can I call you ‘hyung?’ ‘Youngjae-ssi’ sounds kind of awkward.”

“That’s fine with me,” Youngjae said. “I’m the youngest in my family, so that’s the first time anyone’s called me that.”

“I’m the youngest in my family too,” Yugyeom said.

He said it with a sort of excitement that seemed a little unnecessary to Youngjae. It was like he was overjoyed to have even something small in common with him. His smile was sweet and infectious since Youngjae felt himself grinning along with him. It didn’t take much to get him to smile though.

“Enough of this guy,” Bambam said, pulling on Youngjae’s arm. “Only two more to go and then you’ll know everyone.”

Youngjae waved goodbye to Yugyeom before he was being dragged into the next room. There were a few other guys walking in and out, but the two Youngjae hadn’t seen before were pointedly avoiding eye contact with each other. Bambam sighed heavily next to him, like he knew exactly what was going on.

“Did you two fight again?” Bambam asked. “What happened this time?”

“Nothing happened,” one of them said.

He was slouched down on his bed, wearing oversized clothes and a beanie, but none of that could mask how pretty he was. Bambam had yet to introduce him to a “Mark” and he recognized the other guy as Jaebeom, so he assumed this was the third omega in their group of trainees.

“I apologized,” Jaebeom said. His eyes were like daggers as he looked at Mark. It was like he was trying to bite back a million words to defend himself. While Jinyoung seemed to be a relatively level-headed and calm alpha, Jaebeom appeared to be the opposite. “It’s like you’re always expecting me to make a mistake, so that when I do the smallest thing in the wrong way, you can get mad at me about it.”

“Whatever, man,” Mark said, rolling his eyes. “My heat starts in a few days, so you won’t even have to worry about me getting mad at you. I won’t be here.”

“Anyway,” Bambam said loudly, like he was reminding the two of his presence. “This is Youngjae. He’s new. I thought I would introduce him to everyone, but you two aren’t making that great of a first impression.”

Whatever tension between the two of them seemed to disappear, or it was at least put on hold. Jaebeom went to them first, giving Youngjae what felt like a rehearsed smile.

“I’m Jaebeom,” he said. “If you need anything, just let me know. I’m happy to help.”

Mark snorted at the comment and Jaebeom’s smile became even more forced.

“He likes to act like he’s in charge,” Mark said. “Just because he’s an alpha.”

“I’m the senior alpha in the group,” Jaebeom said.

“Sungjin is older than you.”

“I’ve been here longer,” Jaebeom said. “Why do you want to start a fight with me? We were doing so well.”

“You’re the one who started it.”

“I already apologized for getting in your way during practice the other day. Or is that not really why you’re upset?”

Youngjae suddenly wished that he could melt through the wall and into whatever room was next door. Mark and Jaebeom weren’t even acknowledging his presence anymore and Bambam looked so numb to the situation as if this was a scene he saw often. It was such a stark contrast to what Youngjae had seen earlier between Jinyoung and Bambam. They were an alpha and omega who liked each other, were nice to each other, and had a good relationship, from what he could tell.

It almost felt like sparks were flying off of Mark and Jaebeom as they glared each other down. Jaebeom’s teeth were gritted and Mark’s hands were in fists and Youngjae was starting to wonder if breaking up a fight would be one of the first things he did at the dorm.

“I heard you talking to those other alphas at the company,” Mark said. “The producers? I know we’ve never been that close, but I wasn’t expecting you to say that shit about me.”

“Oh, fuck,” Jaebeom said, his shoulders dropping.

For the first time since meeting him, he had a genuine expression on his face. It wasn’t forced or rehearsed. It was real. He looked crushed.

“Those guys are dicks,” he said. “I didn’t mean what I said. I just got caught up in–”

“It doesn’t matter,” Mark said. “I’m getting out of here.” He walked to the door but stopped before going through. Mark turned around and looked at Youngjae. “I’m Mark. Sorry about all that.”

And then he was gone. Only a few seconds passed before Jaebeom was rushing after him, not giving Youngjae and Bambam a second glance.

“You picked a bad day to show up,” Bambam said, sitting down on Mark’s now unoccupied bed. “They used to fight all the time. Actually, we all used to fight a lot. Most of us don’t anymore, but those two still go at it every now and then.”

“Are they exes?”

“What?” Bambam said. “No. Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know,” Youngjae said. “They just give off that energy, I guess.”

“No one in our group has dated each other,” Bambam said. “At least not that I know of. I think I would know though. We practically live on top of each other here. I can’t see anything like that getting past me.”

Youngjae took a deep breath, his mind trying to keep up with all the new information he had been exposed to. He would have to take his time putting names to faces, but there weren’t many trainees, so he didn’t think that would be a problem. His biggest concern had shifted though. He was no longer the most concerned about dance practice. Now he was worried about navigating the complicated relationships that were already in place. The others had been there for years and he had just shown up out of the blue and was expected to adapt to everything instantly.

For a moment he missed his hometown. He missed his mother’s cooking and his dad’s mundane stories from his workday and of course he missed his brother and sister. Youngjae even missed his old school. He didn’t know why though. When he left no one would look at him without whispering behind his back after Kyungmo told anyone who would listen that he was gay.

He didn’t even want to think about what would happen if anyone at the company found out he was bisexual.

“Today was hectic,” Bambam said, taking his silence for hesitance. “Everyone here is actually really cool. Except for Yugyeom. He’s a total loser, but he’s my best friend, so it’s okay that he’s a loser.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Youngjae said. “So, uh, where exactly am I sleeping?"


	3. Chapter 3

Being stealthy had never been one of Youngjae’s strong suits. Still, he tried his best to move around the small apartment without making any noise, picking up his clothes piece by piece from the floor. Unfortunately, his attempts didn’t end well because a squeaky floorboard gave him away. He stood completely still, looking at the figure on the bed with a strange sense of panic. A few seconds passed before the person groaned, sitting up and turning on the lamp next to the bed.

“What are you doing?” he asked, rubbing his eyes. “You need the bathroom?”

“No, uh,” Youngjae said. “I’m leaving.”

“Oh,” he said. “I said you could spend the night.”

“Yeah, well, I have to get up early,” Youngjae said.

“All the more reason to stay,” he said. “You’ll lose sleep making your way back home. I don’t mind waking up early with you. I’ll make you breakfast.”

“That’s nice,” Youngjae said. “That’s really nice, actually, but I really do have to go. Sorry.”

He didn’t know why he was apologizing, but it felt like the right thing to do. Especially since he couldn’t even remember the guy’s name and it was probably rude to stick around longer than he already had. Youngjae hadn’t even meant to fall asleep in the first place, but the days at the company kept getting more and more exhausting, so sleep was precious to him.

“Let me have your number,” he said, reaching for his phone on the nightstand. “I’ll call you.”

That was not what he wanted to hear. This guy was nice and patient and good with his hands (which was always appreciated), but he couldn’t let this go on any longer than one encounter. Youngjae had been a trainee for only five months and he already had a debut date. Everything was moving so quickly for him and he did not have the time to date anyone. Especially since he would be officially banned from dating in two months’ time.

“I can’t do that,” Youngjae said. “I’m not looking for anything more than…I’ve got to go.”

Before the guy could protest or ask him to stay again, Youngjae left the bedroom, entering the cramped living room/kitchen that served as the main room. He pulled on his clothes quickly and grabbed his shoes from the front door, rushing into the hallway before he even put them on.

He knew he was being reckless and more than a little stupid, hooking up with a random stranger. Well, strangers. The man whose name he still couldn’t remember was the third person and first man he had “spent time with” since coming to Seoul. They were all close to his age, university students mostly, so only a couple years older than him. He never thought he would be the person to have casual encounters like this and he wasn’t sure he even liked them, since he usually felt empty inside once they were over.

Youngjae managed to make it back to the dorm just after midnight, which felt like a success to him. The light was still on in the main room and Jackson was sitting on the couch, flipping through channels on their tiny TV. Only seven of them were left in the dorm, since they were the ones set to debut and living together was supposedly good for teambuilding. Youngjae still had a hard time believing that he was debuting so soon after becoming a trainee. He sometimes wondered if the other trainees who didn’t make the group were resentful of him.

“How was your date?” Jackson asked, deciding to turn off the TV instead of continuing his channel surfing. “I’m assuming it was good since you’re back so late.”

“It was fine,” Youngjae said. He sat down next to him on the couch. “Did you go out tonight too?”

“No, I stayed in with Bam and Gyeomie,” Jackson said. “They were getting all whiney about how I never spend time with them anymore. As if we don’t already see each other every day.”

“Maybe that just means you’re easy to miss,” Youngjae said.

“Is that a good thing?” Jackson asked.

He wasn’t entirely sure. Jackson was right; they did spend almost every second of every day together. Still, Youngjae liked Jackson a lot. He liked that he could make him laugh with a single facial expression and how he tried his best to make everyone feel comfortable. But Jackson was painfully straight. It was almost as if he went out with a new girl every week. He was constantly making bets with some of the other trainees, convincing them that he could get any girl to go on a date with him. So, Youngjae took the small nugget of attraction he felt toward Jackson and hid it away, not wanting anything to do with it.

“I think so,” Youngjae said. “People like being around you. I like being around you.”

“Aww, Youngjae,” Jackson said, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and holding him close. “You’re so cute. Much cuter than Bambam and Yugyeom.”

“Yeah, right,” Youngjae said. “We all know Bambam is your favorite. After Mark-hyung, anyway.”

“You don’t have to say it like that,” Jackson said. “It’s not like I have a secret ranking.”

“If you say so.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes longer, neither one of them separating from the awkward embrace that Jackson had pulled him into. It was so strange to Youngjae how comfortable he felt in Jackson’s arms. He had been having sex with a stranger only a few hours ago, letting himself be completely vulnerable with someone whose name he couldn’t even remember. That interaction had made his heart race and his skin flush, but somehow Jackson’s arm around him was making him even more flustered.

“I should go to sleep,” Youngjae said, finally pulling away. “We have to get up early tomorrow.”

“We have to get up early every day,” Jackson said. “I would love to just sleep in for a day.”

“That almost feels like a luxury,” Youngjae said. “Maybe that’s what I’ll dream about tonight, getting a good night’s sleep for once. Dreaming about sleep, the perfect dream.”

“Not waking up to the sound of an alarm,” Jackson said. “Or to Jaebeom shaking me until I fall out of the bed.”

“I wouldn’t mind waking up to that,” Youngjae said. “It was pretty funny.”

He laughed at the outraged look on Jackson’s face, slapping his arm as he did. Jackson cradled the spot he had hit, pouting.

“I’m so happy we’re not all crowded in the same room anymore,” Jackson said. “Mark is a great roommate. He never laughs at me or hits me.”

“I don’t hit you that hard,” Youngjae said.

“I want you to say that to the giant bruise I’m going to have tomorrow.”

They both knew he wasn’t going to have a bruise. Youngjae barely touched him. If Jackson every had a bruise, it was from practicing martial arts tricks to the point of hurting himself, trying to make sure every move was perfect.

“Want me to kiss it and make it better?” Youngjae teased, poking Jackson’s side and giggling when he jumped, swatting his hand away.

“Uh, no, I’m good,” Jackson said.

“Okay.”

He didn’t expect the question to make the mood suddenly awkward. Jackson stiffened up next to him, folding his arms over his chest and then abruptly getting to his feet.

“I’m going to bed,” he said. “See you tomorrow.”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “Goodnight, hyung.”

Jackson gave him a small wave before going to the bedroom that he shared with Mark. Youngjae sat on the couch, staring at the door Jackson had disappeared through. Jackson wasn’t the type to feel uncomfortable during a conversation. He was usually the one who livened things up and broke any tension. Seeing him leave so suddenly was somewhat unsettling.

Youngjae went back to his own room, entering slowly at first so that he wouldn’t wake up Jaebeom, but he quickly realized that he was still awake. The light was on and Jaebeom was under the covers, reading a book that was different from the one he was reading yesterday.

“You’re still awake?” Youngjae asked, closing the door behind him. “It’s late.”

“I should be saying the same thing to you,” Jaebeom said. His nose twitched and his eyebrows furrowed and Youngjae knew he was screwed. “You reek. You should take a shower.”

“Too tired,” Youngjae said, collapsing onto his own bed. “I’ll just take one in the morning. And what exactly do I reek of?”

“Another person,” Jaebeom said. “Someone I don’t know.”

Before he started living with the other trainees, Youngjae hadn’t had the chance to be around many alphas or omegas. There were some things he already knew, from health and biology classes and late night curiosity-driven internet searches. The sense of smell was one of the least interesting aspects about them, so it completely slipped his mind until he started rooming with Jaebeom. After the first time he came home from a random hookup, Jaebeom didn’t waste any time letting him know that he could tell just from his scent exactly what he had been doing.

“Just ‘another person?’” Youngjae said. “That’s it?”

“Well, if you want specifics, you smell like sex,” Jaebeom said, “and I can tell it’s another man.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said.

It was the only sound he could make. Dread and panic filled him in equal parts and all he could think about was that this was the end. It was over before it even got a chance to start. Jaebeom would tell someone at the company and they would kick him out and he would be forced to go back to Mokpo, to his old school where he had already been outed and everyone looked at him like some sort of disease.

“I don’t care,” Jaebeom said. “I just want you to be careful.”

“Yeah?” Youngjae said, hating how his voice sounded like it was about to crack. “You don’t care? That I’m bi?”

“Not at all,” Jaebeom said. “Hey, look at me.”

Youngjae turned his head to see Jaebeom on his side, his cheek propped up on his hand. He didn’t look mad or disgusted or betrayed. Mostly he just looked concerned.

“It doesn’t matter to me,” Jaebeom said. “I don’t care who you’re attracted to. All I want is for you to be safe…and you are being safe, right? Using condoms and–”

“Yes,” Youngjae said quickly. He could already feel his face heating up in embarrassment. “I’m being safe, I promise. And I’ve only done it a few times and I’m going to stop after we debut. I’m not – I know what I’m doing, hyung.”

“Okay,” Jaebeom said. His eyes were still looking at him intently, like he was studying his face for some kind of hidden truth. “I believe you. I just want you to know that you can count on me, okay? You can trust me.”

“I know,” Youngjae said. It wasn’t entirely true since only moments ago he was afraid Jaebeom was going to out him. “Thanks, hyung, for being so cool about this.”

“You don’t have to thank me for being decent.”

That seemed to be the natural end to their conversation. The changes in emotion he felt happened so quickly he was almost lightheaded. His panic turned into relief and with that relief came a weight lifting off his shoulders. Just telling one person and having them so openly accept him made such a big difference. He didn’t feel like he was hiding a part of himself away anymore, at least not to Jaebeom.

“I think I will go take a shower,” Youngjae said, getting off his bed.

“Good,” Jaebeom said. “The guy you were with used really strong cologne.”

“Oh, sorry.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.”

Youngjae grabbed what he needed for a shower before stepping out of their bedroom. He didn’t take a very long one since his exhaustion was starting to catch up to him. The next day wouldn’t provide much relaxation either, so sleeping was his only chance to recharge.

He stepped out of the bathroom once he was done with his shower and had brushed his teeth. His hair was still slightly damp, but it would dry quickly and going to bed with wet hair had never bothered him before. Youngjae made a quick detour to the kitchen for a glass of water, but he was soon stopped in his tracks.

“Not tonight,” Mark said, pushing at Jinyoung’s chest as the alpha kissed his neck. “I’m not in the mood and it’s not like I’m in heat right now.”

“We’ve done this outside of your heat before,” Jinyoung said. His hands were holding tightly onto Mark’s waist. “And it’s been awhile since we last–”

“Seriously, Jinyoung, stop,” Mark said. “I don’t want this.”

“But hyung–”

“He said to stop,” Youngjae said, stepping into the kitchen.

Mark was backed up against the counter and Jinyoung seemed to tower over him. Youngjae could hear his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. He had never been afraid of Jinyoung, but something about confronting an alpha sent a spike of instinctual fear down his spine.

“Youngjae, we were just–” Jinyoung said, starting to explain.

“Nothing,” Mark said. He gave a final push to Jinyoung’s chest, making him finally take a step back. “We weren’t doing anything. I’m going to bed.”

Youngjae couldn’t say another word to Mark, because he was walking past him, his mouth turned down into a frown. Jinyoung was still standing in the kitchen, shell-shocked and then nervous and then suddenly righteous.

“It’s none of your business,” Jinyoung said. “What goes on between me and Mark-hyung doesn’t have anything to do with you.”

“It’s my business if you were trying to force yourself–”

“I would _never_ ,” Jinyoung said, his voice full of venom as he walked up to Youngjae, their chests pressing together. “You haven’t been here as long as the rest of us. You don’t know what Mark means to me. He’s my–”

“He’s not your omega.”

Jaebeom’s sudden appearance was the perfect distraction Youngjae needed to take a few steps back from Jinyoung.

“Just because he lets you fuck him, doesn’t make him yours,” Jaebeom said. “Hasn’t he made that clear to you yet?”

“Don’t be jealous of me because I’m the alpha he chose,” Jinyoung said.

“Casually fucking without romantic feelings?” Jaebeom said. “That’s how he chose you. It’s not much to brag about.”

Youngjae’s mind started working at rapid speed, thinking of the best course of action if a fight were to break out between the two alphas. He didn’t trust his own strength to put an end to things on his own. Jackson would be the safe choice to stop a physical fight. Even Yugyeom would be capable of doing a better job than him. Mark might be able to help since he was the one the two were arguing over. Jinyoung had a soft spot for Bambam, so maybe seeing him would make Jinyoung rethink any rash actions.

“We should all go to bed,” Youngjae said. “I don’t exactly know what’s going on here, but fighting isn’t going to solve anything. So, unless you two can have a mature conversation about what’s happening, you should just leave.”

Jaebeom was the first to back off. They made heavy eye contact for a few more long seconds before he nodded his head, acknowledging Youngjae’s words. He headed back to their bedroom without another word toward Jinyoung and Youngjae quickly followed him, not wanting to be left alone with Jinyoung.

They didn’t say anything at first once the door shut behind them. Youngjae sat on the edge of his bed, watching as Jaebeom paced the small room, his hands balled up into fists. Eventually he took a seat on his own bed.

“It didn’t used to be like this,” Jaebeom said. “We used to get along so well, but now all we can do is get pissed at each other.”

“Because of Mark?” Youngjae asked.

It wasn’t exactly surprising to Youngjae. Jinyoung’s attraction to Mark was obvious and it was never something he kept hidden. Jaebeom’s was more understated, but Youngjae could still pick up on the cues.

“I don’t want to put any blame on Mark,” Jaebeom said. “He can do whatever he likes with whoever he wants to do it with.”

“But you’re still jealous though, right?” Youngjae said. “Because you want Mark-hyung to be with you instead?”

“I guess?” Jaebeom said, running a hand through his hair. “Fuck, I don’t know.” He sighed deeply. “Of course I like Mark. I’m an alpha, he’s an omega. He’s beautiful and infuriating and I feel like an idiot around him.”

Part of that answer sounded rehearsed to Youngjae, like it was a sentiment he had repeated over and over again in his head. Jaebeom felt like he had to be attracted to Mark because he was an omega. The second part of the admission sounded more real though, like he was speaking what he actually felt.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Youngjae said. “It can’t be easy having feelings for him when he’s with someone else.”

“He’s not even really ‘with’ Jinyoung,” Jaebeom said. “They just fuck, that’s it.”

“It’s still enough to hurt you.”

Jaebeom let out a strange, emotionless laugh, like he was mocking his own misfortune. “Mark isn’t even the one I really…it doesn’t matter. You don’t need to worry about me. I’m sorry you got involved in this.”

“Honestly, I feel kind of left out sometimes, so it’s nice to be included,” Youngjae said. “You can talk to me about stuff like this, hyung. Even if you just want to vent. I’m a good listener.”

“Okay,” Jaebeom said. “I can talk to you about this, if you’ll let me know whenever you go to meet up with some stranger.”

He didn’t like talking about his sexuality with other people. It was personal and he had no idea how others would react. Jaebeom had made it clear though that he didn’t judge him or care that he was what most people saw as “different” or “wrong.” Besides, he got the feeling that there was a lot more going on with Jaebeom’s relationship with Jinyoung and Mark and he curious to find out the whole story. And it looked like he would only get that information if he opened up to Jaebeom about his own issues.

“I can do that,” Youngjae said.

“Good,” Jaebeom said, nodding in satisfaction. “We can do that another night though. I need to get some sleep.”

Youngjae couldn’t agree more.


	4. Chapter 4

“So, how’s it going?”

“This is torture,” Jaebeom said, collapsing face first onto his bed.

Youngjae was slowly getting used to Jaebeom’s dramatics, so he wasn’t surprised by the response. He didn’t envy Jaebeom’s position either. They debuted almost exactly a month ago and the company thought that they needed to make their group more “interesting.” Youngjae didn’t know all the details, but right before their debut, Mark, Jaebeom, and Jinyoung had been pulled aside for a private meeting. Once it was over, the three came back to the dorm, all angry and upset, shortly telling the rest of them that Mark and Jaebeom were going to pretend to be in a relationship to make people more interested in their group.

The two had argued and fought almost every day since they had started their act, but it got to be too much for everyone. They had agreed on a truce a couple of weeks ago to act civil toward each other and find a way to make things work.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Youngjae asked.

“No,” Jaebeom said. “Well, maybe. Okay, yes, I do.”

“Go ahead,” Youngjae said. “I’m listening.”

Jaebeom rolled onto his back, not speaking up right away. The day had been completely ordinary. Busy and hectic, but Youngjae was quickly realizing that that was becoming his norm. They recorded for a music show and their every move was filmed by staff members following them around with cameras. He felt like he was living in a fishbowl. At least he had the others with him, so he wasn’t alone in this drastic life change.

“Jinyoung still won’t talk to me,” Jaebeom said. “I know he has feelings for Mark and I know they used to hook up, but Mark put an end to that and Mark is the one who chose to fake a relationship with me instead of him. I’m just doing what I’m told and Jinyoung has trouble looking at me when the cameras aren’t on.”

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Youngjae said.

He knew how much Jinyoung meant to Jaebeom. They had known each other for five years and been through so much together. Youngjae hadn’t been at the company for a full year, he was still considered a newcomer to some, but he still knew that Jaebeom and Jinyoung were inseparable until Mark had worked his way between the two of them.

“I’ll just have to keep trying,” Jaebeom said. “He can’t keep ignoring me forever. Even though…maybe it’s for the best for now. I’ve got so much shit to work out.”

“Like what?”

“You don’t have to worry yourself with my problems,” Jaebeom said. “It’s all so complicated.”

Youngjae had been Jaebeom’s confidant for a couple of months now and it wasn’t a very eventful job. He felt like he was chipping away at him slowly. No huge breakthroughs had been made and usually their conversations ended with Youngjae having more questions than answers. Jaebeom would let a tiny bit of personal information slip and then he would seal his mouth shut after insisting that whatever he was worrying about wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes Youngjae wondered if he acted that way because alphas weren’t meant to show their emotions, or if that was just the way Jaebeom was.

“I don’t mind complicated,” Youngjae said. “You’ll probably feel better if you tell me what’s going on.”

“I know that’s how this is supposed to work, but…” Jaebeom said. “I used to talk to Jinyoung whenever I was going through something. I can’t talk to him about this though.”

“Because it’s about Mark-hyung?” Youngjae asked.

“Maybe.”

That was about as specific of an answer as Youngjae thought he was going to get. He didn’t want to make Jaebeom tell him anything he wasn’t ready to share, but the half-sentences and vague answers were getting annoying.

“If you don’t want to talk about this stuff with me, that’s okay,” Youngjae said. “You don’t have to force yourself.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about it, it’s just…don’t worry about it.”

With every word Jaebeom spoke, Youngjae was finding him more and more annoying. Over the past few months he had opened up to Jaebeom in a way that he didn’t allow himself to do with anyone else. He was the only one who knew that he was bi, so he felt like he could trust Jaebeom with any issues he was having. It stung a bit more than he would like to admit that Jaebeom couldn’t open up to him as well.

“I’m going to get something to eat,” Youngjae asked. “Do you want anything?”

“No,” Jaebeom said. “I’ll eat later.”

Youngjae left him to his lonely wallowing and went to the kitchen to make instant ramyeon since it was the easiest thing he knew how to cook. Jackson was sitting on the kitchen counter, scrolling through his phone while balancing a plate of leftovers on one of his thighs.

“We have a table,” Youngjae said, grabbing one of the packets of ramyeon that was stacked on the counter.

“I know,” Jackson said. “I like having a high vantage point while I eat.”

“What does that even mean?”

“Honestly? I don’t know,” Jackson said. “I just felt like sitting up here.”

“That answer makes more sense,” Youngjae said.

He made his ramyeon in silence, not knowing what else he could say to Jackson to continue their conversation. Youngjae got along well with everyone in their group, but his relationship with Jackson could get strange at times. When they were together, they always kept things light and carefree. They would joke around and tease each other. He was always comfortable with him when the cameras were on, but when it was just the two of them, he never knew what to say. Youngjae couldn’t recall ever having what could be considered a “serious” conversation with Jackson before.

“I think we should start checking in with each other,” Jackson said. “You know, since we’re the Roommates.”

Youngjae raised an eyebrow at the emphasis Jackson put on the word “roommates.”

“What do you mean?” Youngjae asked. “We’re not roommates – _oh_.”

“Now you get it,” Jackson said. “I know Mark and Jaebeom are trying not to actively kill each other now, and that’s great, but we should probably make sure that things stay that way. I like Jaebeom. I don’t want him to get murdered.”

“How are you so sure that Mark is the one who would be the successful murderer?” Youngjae asked. “Wait, no, you’re right. Jaebeom wouldn’t stand a chance.”

“He really wouldn’t,” Jackson said. “Not only would he physically not be able to, but he just doesn’t have the heart.”

Jaebeom would be completely helpless against Mark. Especially a Mark with murderous rage. It wouldn’t be a fair fight.

“So, I guess this is our first check-in?”

“Yeah,” Jackson said. “Mark has been pretty chill today. He hasn’t shown any signs of frustration. I think Jaebeom will be able to live another day.”

“Jaebeom-hyung has been…” He trailed off, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair. “He’s complicated. Does Mark-hyung talk to you about stuff? Like his feelings and what he’s been going through?”

“We tell each other everything,” Jackson said. “He’s my best friend.”

He said it with so much certainty that Youngjae instantly felt jealous of him. Constantly he had to remind himself that of course the others would be closer since they’d known each other for years. They were all nice to him and never made him feel excluded and they all got along. No one ever made him feel left out. He couldn’t stop himself from feeling lonely though from time to time.

“I’m trying to get Jaebeom-hyung to open up to me more, but he’s reluctant,” Youngjae said. “Am I a bad friend if I pressure him to tell me what’s going on with him?”

“I think that would make you a pushy friend,” Jackson said. “Which could make you a bad friend in certain situations. You’re not really the pushy type though.”

“I’m really not,” Youngjae said.

“You’re really not what?”

Youngjae looked up to see Mark walking into the kitchen. He went straight to Jackson, leaning against him and picking at the food on his plate. Jackson’s phone was still unlocked and he picked it up, scanning over the screen. What Youngjae saw as a clear invasion of privacy left Jackson completely unbothered.

“I can’t believe you’re still texting her,” Mark said. “We’re not allowed to date anymore and you’re not even into her.”

“I’m kind of into her,” Jackson said.

“No, you’re not.”

Jackson took his phone back from Mark and pocketed it. “I’m just seeing where things go. It’s casual. And it’s kind of shitty for you to bring up the dating ban when you’re allowed to date.”

“I’m allowed to date Jaebeom,” Mark said. “And it’s not even real.”

“And you don’t want it to be real.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

It was at the moment that Youngjae realized that this was a conversation the two of them had had multiple times. Their back-and-forth was tired and rehearsed, almost like they were speaking because of a reflex.

“So, what are you not?” Mark asked, turning to Youngjae.

“Huh?”

“When I entered the room, I heard you say that you’re ‘really not,’” he said. “You’re really not what?”

“Pushy,” Jackson said before Youngjae could speak.

Youngjae expected Mark to question further and ask what they were talking about to come to the conclusion that Youngjae wasn’t a pushy person, but he didn’t say anything more. He shrugged, like his curiosity had been completely sated.

Mark and Jackson started to talk among themselves, in a mix of English and Mandarin that had become their secret language that no one else could understand. Bambam was the only one who could pick up on tiny snippets of it. Youngjae continued to eat his food, leaning against the counter and trying not to translate the one or two words that he knew in his head.

“What about you Youngjae?”

He had finished eating and was cleaning up after himself when he was brought back into the conversation since the two had moved back to Korean.

“Uh, what about me?”

“Do you hate the dating ban too?” Jackson asked.

“It’s not that bad, I guess,” Youngjae said. “We don’t really have time to date anyway. We’re too busy.”

“That’s a very practical way of saying that you miss getting laid,” Mark said.

That wasn’t exactly what he had meant. There really wasn’t any time for him to date. When they were trainees, they weren’t exactly free to do whatever they wanted. Their schedules had still been packed and they were constantly under supervision, but there was more free time to do what they wanted to do. Youngjae didn’t necessarily miss the days he would go on awkward dates or the random and rare nights he would spend with strangers. It was like that was a part of his life that was over, he had moved passed it and was ready to focus on his work. Maybe one day he would be able to go back to casually dating, but he wasn’t eagerly counting down the days until that happened.

But instead of saying that, he felt that it was easier to agree with Mark.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’ll get used to it though.”

“There are plenty of female trainees at the company,” Jackson said. “I’m sure if you’re really missing it, you can be sneaky about it.”

“No, that’s – just no,” Youngjae said. “I don’t want to be involved with any of the trainees, not just the girls.” He paused after he spoke, his mind catching up to his words and instantly realizing how that sounded. “Uh, what I mean is that–”

“It’s cool,” Mark said before he could continue embarrassing himself with a stuttering defense. “I get it.”

He said it with a sort of calmness only Mark was capable of keeping. Out of all his fellow members, Mark was the one he had trouble understanding. Jackson, Bambam, and Yugyeom were all open books. Jaebeom and Jinyoung were better at schooling their emotions, but neither one of them was opposed to talking to Youngjae. Mark was complicated.

“You get what?” Jackson asked. “All he said is that he wouldn’t hook up with any trainee at the company.”

“Yeah, and that…” Youngjae took a deep breath, somehow drawing courage from the calm look in Mark’s eyes. “That’s because I don’t just like girls. So, I don’t want to hook up with the guys either, not because I don’t like them, because I do since I’m bi, but because it would be unprofessional.”

There was a brief moment of silence before anyone else spoke up that sent Youngjae into a short panic. What if he had been reading Mark’s expression wrong and he wasn’t giving him some kind of silent signal that it was okay for him to come out?

“That’s cool, buddy,” Jackson said, patting him on the shoulder. “And smart. Getting with the trainees would be a bad idea.”

“You were the one who brought it up,” Mark said.

“And now I’m realizing the error of my ways,” Jackson said.

It was like coming out to Jaebeom all over again. The build-up of fear and anticipation and anxiety instantly mellowing out by an accepting and casual response. In his mind he couldn’t help but make a checklist. Three down, three more to go. He couldn’t imagine Jinyoung, Bambam, and Yugyeom reacting poorly if the other three were this relaxed, but he couldn’t be too careful. There was no way to predict someone’s reaction to coming out.

“Thanks for telling us, Jae,” Mark said. “I kind of already knew since, well,” he tapped his nose, “heightened sense of smell and everything. You weren’t exactly subtle about the people you went out with. I didn’t want to bring it up in case you weren’t ready. I get how scary it can be to come out.”

“Yeah, you would,” Jackson said, nodding in agreement. “Wait, are you going to–”

“Let’s just say I’m not only into alphas,” Mark said. “My high school girlfriend was an omega.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said, the sound startled out of him because of his surprise. “That’s, uh – I support you.”

Mark laughed, sweet and contagious and endearing and he got it. He could see how Jinyoung and Jaebeom were both so infatuated. How every alpha at their company, whether they were a dancer or producer or trainee or manager, always gave Mark a second look as he walked by. How alphas from other groups couldn’t take their eyes off of him while they were recording at a music show. He really was the prettiest omega Youngjae had ever seen, especially when he smiled, a sight that was unfortunately rare when the cameras weren’t on.

“Thanks,” Mark said.

“This has been heartwarming,” Jackson said, putting a hand over his chest. “I can’t add anything to it though. I don’t think either one of you would appreciate me coming out as a straight guy.”

“We definitely wouldn’t,” Mark said. “But don’t worry, we get it, you’re the group’s ladies’ man.”

“Our debut song is my own personal anthem.”

“You’re so annoying.”

The two started to laugh together and Youngjae took that as a sign that it was his time to go. He said goodnight to both of them and thanked them again for being so cool after he came out. Youngjae walked back to his bedroom, passing Bambam and Yugyeom’s room where they were talking and laughing loudly, a sound that was comforting to him because of its normality.

The door to his room was opened slightly and he reached for the knob, ready to open it completely, when he heard a snippet of a heated conversation.

“I’m sorry he chose me, okay?” Jaebeom said. “I didn’t tell him to do that. You know what it was like. They sat the three of us down and told Mark to choose and he pointed to me.”

“You could have said that you weren’t comfortable faking a relationship,” Jinyoung said. “That it would distract you from your responsibilities as a leader. Then I could be with him.”

“That would have made Mark uncomfortable.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Obviously he picked me for a reason,” Jaebeom said. “I don’t know why but – but, listen, all we do is hold hands when the cameras are on or we’re in public. I put my arm around him sometimes. That’s it. It’s not even real.”

“I could have something real with him though.”

“No, you couldn’t. You had a year with him, Jinyoung. I know you two only fucked, but if he was ever going to return your feelings he would have by now. You need to get over him.”

Youngjae braced himself for the sound of a punch. Jinyoung wasn’t known for having a short temper, but he couldn’t imagine anyone keeping calm after hearing Jaebeom’s words.

“I can’t get over him,” Jinyoung said. He sounded surprisingly calm. “I know that he’s meant to be my omega.”

“Jinyoung, just stop.”

“You don’t understand–”

“I understand how you think you feel,” Jaebeom said. “And I feel sorry for the omega you end up with one day. I hope they can deal with how fucking possessive you are.”

Once again, Youngjae waited for some kind of physical confrontation that never came.

“You’re such a dick,” Jinyoung said. “You can stop acting like you’re so noble. Stop pretending like you aren’t happy that Mark chose you. You like him.”

“Of course I like him,” Jaebeom said. “He’s my friend. He’s a pretty omega, who wouldn’t like–”

“It’s more than that though,” Jinyoung said. “I know you. I know you better than anyone. I know what you’re like when you actually start to have feelings for someone. I’m not an idiot, hyung. I’ve been ignoring how you look at me – how you’ve _always_ looked at me for so long, because I didn’t want to embarrass you. So, don’t tell me to get over my feelings for Mark if you can’t get over your feelings for me.”

He couldn’t listen to any more of this. Youngjae went to the bathroom across the hall, sitting down on the toilet and putting his face into his hands. When he was put into a group with the others he thought they would all become friends, like brothers. He had no idea things would get so complicated. And he had no idea how he was going to be able to go back to his room and talk to Jaebeom like he hadn’t overheard that entire conversation. Youngjae was starting to regret not treasuring the days when learning new choreography and going through weekly evaluations were his biggest concerns.


	5. Chapter 5

Youngjae didn’t know how many more takes he could handle doing. The first few were awkward and the rest hadn’t improved much. He wasn’t an actor; he didn’t have any natural talent for it or desire to improve his already lackluster skills. That didn’t stop the director from sighing loudly in disapproval after each take of him eating a bite of weirdly flavored ice cream and pretending that it tasted good, while trying to flirt with the camera lens. Sana, the girl playing their combined love interest in the music video they were filming, sat across from him at the table, looking as awkward as he felt.

And if all of that wasn’t difficult enough, Jackson and Yugyeom were tucked away in the corner of the room, holding back laughter while the camera was rolling, but howling loudly once the director said, “Cut!”

“That was the worst one yet,” Jackson said. “Youngjae, you really don’t have any talent for this, do you?”

He was ready to respond with a biting comment of his own, but surprisingly Sana was the one to beat him to it.

“You weren’t good at this either,” she said, smiling so sweetly that Youngjae almost felt like she was complimenting Jackson.

It landed like the insult that it was though. Yugyeom started laughing even louder, holding onto and shaking Jackson’s shoulders as he laughed. Jackson opened his mouth, more than likely ready to defend his own mediocre acting skills, when the director called for a final take.

Youngjae did his best, like he had been trying to do all day, but he didn’t feel like the results of his final take were any better than his first one. They called it a day after he was done. He thanked Sana and the rest of the staff before making his way to Jackson and Yugyeom.

“I think I see a future in acting for you, Youngjae,” Jackson said. “I’m thinking a serious drama. Something to really show off your vast range of talents.”

“Whatever you say, hyung,” Youngjae said.

He grabbed Yugyeom’s arm, pulling him along with him and leaving Jackson behind. It seemed that Jackson completely forgot that Youngjae wasn’t talking to him. He usually wasn’t a big fan of using the silent treatment as a punishment. It seemed childish to him, but it was also the most effective punishment for Jackson who thrived off of conversation and interaction.

“Why are you mad at him?” Yugyeom asked. “You two have been like this for a week and you won’t tell anyone what’s going on.”

That wasn’t exactly true. Yugyeom and Bambam didn’t know what was going on, but the rest were informed.

“Don’t worry about it,” Youngjae said. “I’m just waiting for him to apologize for something he did.”

“I did apologize,” Jackson said.

They were outside now, standing in the strong summer heat of Malaysia, where they were filming the music video. It was exciting to work abroad, but he hated that he didn’t even have the comfort of being able to go home after a day of work. All Youngjae wanted to do was go back to the hotel, get something to eat, wash all the sweat and makeup and hairspray off of himself, and then go to sleep. Nowhere in that schedule was there room for another pointless conversation with Jackson.

“For what?” Yugyeom asked. “Tell me what’s going on. I could help mediate.”

“Thanks for the offer, Gyeom, but we need to handle this on our own,” Jackson said. He gave Yugyeom a kind smile, patting him on the shoulder before bringing his attention to Youngjae. “Take a walk with me? We have some time to kill before we all head back.”

Youngjae didn’t want to. He wanted to stay angry forever because it felt like the easier option. Holding a grudge and being unforgiving wasn’t in his nature, but he could start becoming a colder person. It probably wouldn’t be a bad thing for him to start putting a guard up around certain people. His friends always said he was soft, too open and trusting.

“I think I’ll just hang out with Yugyeom,” Youngjae said. “You can go on a walk if you want to though.”

“Youngjae, please,” Jackson said.

He took one of Youngjae’s hands in his, just lightly holding onto his fingers, his warm touch burning through his skin. Youngjae hated that his body’s reaction to Jackson barely touching him was to speed up the rate of his heartbeat and bring heat rushing to his face. He pulled his hand away.

“What do you think you can say to me that’ll make me forgive you?” Youngjae asked.

“Just give me a chance.”

Jackson held onto his wrist now, his thumb pushing against his skin and Youngjae had to pull away again, fearing that he could feel his rapid pulse. The earnest look in Jackson’s eyes and Yugyeom’s presence, concerned and looming and confused, were enough for Youngjae to tear down the wall he had been building up for the past week.

“Fine,” Youngjae said. “I have time for a quick walk.”

“Thank you,” Jackson said, his shoulders dropping in relief.

“I guess I’ll go find Bambam and hang out with him,” Yugyeom said. “Or Mark-hyung, if he’s free.”

Yugyeom seemed much more delighted at the idea of spending time with Mark than he did with Bambam. Youngjae knew why too. It wasn’t only because he was constantly attached to Bambam, so seeing him was more mundane, but because of Yugyeom’s obvious crush on Mark. Yet another person in their group had fallen for charms Mark had that Youngjae couldn’t understand. Unlike the tension-filled attraction Jaebeom and Jinyoung had for Mark, Yugyeom’s crush was kind of cute, even sweet.

Jackson started walking in the opposite direction of the crew, more than likely expecting Youngjae to wordlessly follow him. Their walk would more or less end up being them going in circles around the filming site, but it would still provide them with enough privacy to talk.

“So,” Jackson said, after walking in silence for an agonizingly long minute. “I’m sorry for outing you to Jinyoung.”

“Yeah, you should be,” Youngjae said. “Is that all you have to say? Because you’ve already told me that 20 times, so if you don’t have anything new to say, then–”

“Can you just let me finish?” Jackson said. “I have more to say. Let me have my moment before you tell me that you still hate me.”

“I could never hate you, hyung.”

“Really? Because that’s what it’s felt like this past week.” He stopped that train of thought before continuing it though. “Sorry. I shouldn’t be the one making you feel bad. I’ve messed up enough.”

“Just say whatever it is you want to say,” Youngjae said.

“Okay, right, you’re right,” Jackson said. “I should just say it. My apology. The apology of the year. The apology of the decade. The best apology you’ve ever–”

“ _Hyung_.”

“I’m sorry, Youngjae,” Jackson said after taking a deep breath. His stumbling and eager words finally mellowed out into something more sincere. “I really fucked up. I could give you the same excuse I’ve been giving you all week, but excuses don’t matter when you fuck up like I did. It doesn’t even matter that Jinyoung was so cool about it and that he doesn’t care that you’re bi. I’m still the one that messed up, so whether he had a good or a bad reaction doesn’t matter. You’re my friend and you trusted me with something personal and I betrayed that trust by being a loudmouth and telling someone else about your private life and I’m a shitty friend for doing that and I know you’ll never forgive me and honestly, I don’t want to be forgiven because I don’t deserve it, but I just hope we can move on and you’ll still be open to being my friend in the future because I don’t want to not be your friend, because you’re–”

Youngjae found that wrapping his arms around Jackson in a tight hug was a very effective way to stop his ramblings. Jackson wasn’t usually a rambler. He was talkative and loud, but he still managed to be concise. Seeing him rush through an apology that never seemed to end was unsettling. It was so unlike the Jackson that he knew, that he needed him to stop and take a breath.

“You’re hugging me,” Jackson said, returning the impromptu embrace. “I’m taking that as a good sign.”

“Of course it’s a good sign,” Youngjae said. “I wasn’t planning on never forgiving you. I just needed some time away from you.”

“Do you still need time away?”

“No.”

Besides, he didn’t think he could ever get time away from Jackson. The seven of them lived and worked together. They were never without each other. It was impossible for him to put any space between them. Especially since that space would only make things awkward for all of them.

“That’s a relief,” Jackson said, taking a step back. “So, we’re okay? I don’t need to worry about you trying to kill me in the middle of the night?”

“Yeah, we’re okay, hyung,” Youngjae said. “Just promise me you won’t ever do that again. I’m only out to a few people and I don’t want anyone at the company hearing about this. It’s something I just want to keep to myself.”

“Of course,” Jackson said. “You can trust me, well – ah, I guess you can’t because I already told Jinyoung. I’m not going to tell anyone else though.”

“Okay,” Youngjae said. “I believe you.”

This was starting to feel like too much for him. He had been waiting for a legitimate apology from Jackson for a while now, but now that he had one, all he wanted was to go far away from him. Youngjae tried to justify his sudden shift in emotions. The air around them was hot and sticky like it always was in the summer. He had spent the entire day working and feeling embarrassed of his own bad acting. All of that was piling down on him, making him want to go far away from Jackson. He wanted to be isolated.

Except he couldn’t convince himself that the weather and his work were what was making him want to run away. Jackson’s intense gaze, focused solely on him. The way heat seemed to be pouring off of him as his hands continued to clutch onto Youngjae’s shoulders after they parted from their awkward hug. A warm, painfully familiar feeling took root in his stomach. He couldn’t do this again. After his bad experience with Kyungmo, he told himself he wouldn’t do this again. Youngjae wanted to make his parents proud of him and prove to them that he could only be interested in a relationship with a woman. He could have physical relationships with men, but he didn’t want to allow himself to have feelings for another one. Especially not one who was a self-proclaimed “ladies’ man.”

“We should get back to the others,” Youngjae said, taking a step back from Jackson. “It’s probably time to go.”

“Okay,” Jackson said.

And it was over. The strange spell Jackson had cast on him had disappeared within a single second, because it was clear that Youngjae was the only one who had been affected by their closeness. Jackson seemed relieved that he had been easily forgiven. He was ready to move on as friends, but Youngjae couldn’t stop the butterflies in his stomach from rapidly fluttering their wings, preparing for flight.

When they got back to the hotel, Youngjae did everything he had planned on doing. He ate dinner with Bambam and Yugyeom and took a long shower and then curled up in his bed, his laptop resting on his stomach as he logged on to an online game he had recently started playing. He pushed all thoughts of Jackson from his mind as he played, putting all of his attention to going through his character’s inventory and thinking of which items he could sell and which would be best to keep.

Jaebeom came into their room not long after he started playing. There was a large, idiotic grin on his face as he fell back onto his bed, staring up at the ceiling and sighing loudly. Youngjae moved around a few more items in his virtual inventory. Jaebeom sighed again, even louder this time.

“So, how was your day?” Youngjae asked. He could take a hint.

“Mark is perfect.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said, incapable of finding a more intelligent response to such a random statement.

“He’s so pretty,” Jaebeom said. “So sweet. And every time I look at him I’m reminded of how much I like him. Youngjae, I _like_ him.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said again because it seemed to be the only thing he knew how to say.

The summer heat must have really gotten to Jaebeom. He was never this smiley or carefree or light when he talked about Mark. Usually there was a burden to his words. He always sounded like he had a duty to be a good alpha to Mark, even though they were faking their relationship. His tone now felt completely different. Youngjae felt like he was talking to his friend about his crush, not a friend Jaebeom was being forced to act like he was in love with when outsiders were watching.

“I actually like him,” Jaebeom said, staring at the ceiling with a dazed smile on his face. “It’s real.” He put his face in his hands, muffling his next words, but Youngjae could still make out what he said. “There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m normal.”

Asking Jaebeom to elaborate on that statement wasn’t something he needed to do, because he could take a good guess at the meaning behind those words. He never brought up the conversation he had overheard between Jaebeom and Jinyoung a few months ago. That didn’t mean he wasn’t quietly observing every interaction they had with a new set of eyes. The nuances and small details he picked up on weren’t much to go off of though. If anything, the stares Jaebeom sent Jinyoung’s way were sad and dull and sprinkled with the final sparks of a first love. Their relationship was changing into something else, Jaebeom’s feelings were changing.

Maybe if Youngjae had met them in 2009, when the pair first met, he would have a greater insight into their relationship. Now, all he saw was a friendship that was unwavering, despite them both wanting to be with Mark. Any romantic feelings Jaebeom held for Jinyoung would more than likely be left unsaid and he would move on and that would be the end of it.

It made Youngjae a little sad to think about, but he thought that maybe it was for the best. Especially now that Jaebeom seemed so relieved and excited to actually feel attraction for Mark, an omega. He didn’t think it was strange or wrong for an alpha to like another alpha, but he got the feeling that this was something that had weighed on Jaebeom for a long time.

“I’m happy for you, hyung,” Youngjae said. “It’d be nice if you and Mark-hyung could turn your relationship into something real instead of continuing to pretend.”

“Yeah, I really want that to happen,” Jaebeom said. “Thanks, Youngjae.”

He wasn’t sure what Jaebeom was thanking him for. Perhaps it was just because he was being supportive. Or maybe it was because he wasn’t questioning Jaebeom’s sudden change in perspective. All he could really hope for was for Jaebeom to feel like he could fully open up to him about his problems. It was a nice thought, but then again he also wished that didn’t happen, because then he would be expected to open up as well. And he didn’t want to admit to anyone that whenever he saw Jackson he felt like his heart was going to burst from his chest. Youngjae didn’t want to admit that he had done what he swore to never do again, falling for another straight guy who could never return his feelings.


	6. Chapter 6

“I see you’re the one who was exiled this time,” Jackson said, collapsing onto the couch next to Youngjae.

He had just walked into the door of their dorm, bundled up in a thick coat and scarf to combat against the cold November wind. Youngjae didn’t look up from his laptop to answer him, his eyes too focused on his screen as he tapped aggressively on the keys. He was about to finish a boss battle that had taken him weeks to get past. Hours of level grinding and doing side quests for rare items to craft a stronger weapon was finally going to pay off.

“So, you’re crashing in my room tonight?” Jackson said. “Or are you going to Jinyoung’s? Or are you going to spend all night playing your game here and fall asleep on the couch two hours before we’re supposed to get up and then complain about not getting any sleep in the morning?”

The enemy’s health bar was down to a sliver, but he didn’t have any recovery items left, so he would need to be careful not to take any damage. Youngjae landed another hit on it and just as he decided to be brave and go for a combo, Jackson nudged him in the side. His fingers slipped off the keys, he couldn’t dodge in time, and he was instantly struck down by the boss. The reload screen seemed to taunt him.

“That doesn’t look good,” Jackson said. “Did you die?”

“Yes, hyung,” Youngjae said, closing his laptop with a shaking hand. He gingerly placed the computer on the cushion next to him. “I died. Again. For probably the hundredth time fighting that boss and this time I was _so close_ and you ruined it.”

“Oh,” Jackson said. “I just wanted to make sure you heard me.”

“Of course I heard you,” Youngjae said, incapable of keeping the whine out of his voice. “I was going to answer you after I finished the boss.”

“You could’ve paused the game.”

“It’s an MMO,” Youngjae said. “You can’t pause an MMO.”

“Sorry,” Jackson said. “You can try again though, right?”

Youngjae took his laptop in his hands and stood up, suddenly overwhelmed by an annoyance that was usually only brought on by Bambam and Yugyeom when they were being exceptionally annoying. Jackson never annoyed him. Frustrated him sometimes, sure, but never annoyed him.

“I’m going to Jinyoung-hyung’s room,” he said. “Goodnight, hyung.”

“You’re not going anywhere,” Jackson said.

He grabbed Youngjae by the waist, pulling him back down onto the couch. Youngjae landed halfway on his lap. He tried to escape, but Jackson held onto him tightly, hooking his chin over his shoulder and keeping him in place.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m an idiot. Please forgive your stupid hyung. I can’t handle you being mad at me and giving me the silent treatment again.”

“I wouldn’t give you the silent treatment for something like this,” Youngjae said. He couldn’t be mad at Jackson either. Not really.

“You’ve given me the silent treatment before.”

“For outing me,” Youngjae said. “That doesn’t really compare to you making me die in a video game.”

“So, I fucked up so spectacularly before that you can’t find it in your heart to be mad at me for a much smaller fuck up?”

“That’s – I, well.”

Youngjae couldn’t think straight while feeling so confined in Jackson’s arms. He pushed his hands away and was relieved when Jackson let him go easily. Once again he sat down on the middle couch cushion, but now with a flushed face that he hoped wasn’t noticeable in the dim lighting of the room.

It was past midnight and the others were asleep. Bambam and Yugyeom in their shared room, Jinyoung in his room alone, and the other two in Jaebeom and Youngjae’s room, no doubt curled up in bed together. Their relationship had changed drastically over the past few months. They went from successfully faking a romance to turning it into something real. Youngjae had lost count of how many times he had been kicked out of his own room so that Mark and Jaebeom could have some alone time. He knew Jackson had also lost count of the number of times he had been exiled as well.

“I don’t like being mad at you,” Youngjae said. “I don’t like being mad at anyone.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jackson said. “I know you.”

Of course he knew Youngjae. He was an open book. Youngjae never saw any reason to hide how he was feeling or what he believed in, especially when it came to the members in their group. Sometimes he wondered how he got so lucky to not be stuck in a group with guys he didn’t like or get along with. Or, even worse, guys who didn’t accept who he was. They were lucky enough to do a short tour in Japan a couple of weeks ago. He came out to Bambam and Yugyeom during the trip and the two had been just as accepting as the other members in the group.

“If you really knew me, you would know better than to interrupt me while I’m in the middle of a boss fight.”

“I knew you were mad,” Jackson said, pushing his shoulder. “Come on, go ahead. Yell at me. Let out all of your frustrations on me. I deserve it.”

He opened his arms up wide, tightly shutting his eyes and acting like he was preparing for Youngjae to deliver a blow. It was the kind of melodramatic performance that Youngjae was used to seeing from Jackson.

“I’ll pass,” Youngjae said. “I think I’ll wait until you’re least expecting it.”

“You’re truly evil, you know that?” Jackson said. “That blond hair of yours might make you look like an angel, but I know better.”

Youngjae laughed, his hand going up to his own hair, running through the dyed strands. He didn’t think being a blond suited him well. Especially not the bleach blond the stylists had gone for. It was all in the name of changing his look for their comeback, but he couldn’t get used to it.

“An angel?” Youngjae said. “Really?”

“It makes you glow.”

He said it in a way that was overdramatic and showy, in typical Jackson fashion. The words still made his heart pick up in speed. Youngjae willed it to stop, but it only seemed to beat faster. His crush on Jackson hadn’t gone away like he wanted it to, much to his disappointment.

“Hopefully my glow doesn’t keep you up all night then,” Youngjae said.

“So, you’re rooming with me?” Jackson said, his face lighting up as both of them stood. “Roommates for the night?”

“Yeah, sure,” Youngjae said. “I don’t want to wake up Jinyoung-hyung and this couch isn’t comfortable for sleeping.”

They went into Jackson and Mark’s room. It was as small as the other rooms in the dorm, crammed with two beds and clothes and random objects they had collected and bought since the two moved to Korea. Everything the two had acquired as adults living on their own was in the room. Youngjae could always drop his stuff off at his parents’ house when he visited home, but the three foreign members in the group couldn’t do that same thing.

He sat down on the edge of Mark’s unmade bed, watching as Jackson searched a pile of clothes for pajamas, most likely.

“Where did you go tonight?” Youngjae asked. He was already dressed in his own pajamas and ready for bed. Jaebeom and Mark spent so many nights together in their room that he was somewhat of a pro of grabbing everything he needed in less than a minute. He had learned the hard way that going back to his room to get something while the two were in there alone wasn’t a good idea. “Did you meet some friends? See a late night movie by yourself?”

“I don’t like doing stuff by myself,” Jackson said. “I definitely wouldn’t want to go to a movie alone.”

Youngjae quickly averted his eyes as soon as Jackson pulled his shirt over his head, dropping it on the floor without a second thought and then putting on a worn out t-shirt. He pushed his jeans down his legs and Youngjae completely turned his head away then, observing the door instead.

“Then where did you go?” Youngjae asked.

“Don’t tell the others,” Jackson said, “but I had a date. I know we’re not supposed to see people. We’re busy, there’s a ban, it’s not something we should be doing, I get that, but…”

He decided that enough time had passed for Youngjae to safely be able to look back at him. Jackson was sitting on his own bed, looking at his phone. It was like he had checked out of his conversation with Youngjae and had found something more interesting.

“But what?” Youngjae said.

“But I have needs, you know,” Jackson said. “I love you guys, but you can’t really replace girls. You get it. Uh, well, wait – shit, sorry, I didn’t–”

“It’s okay,” Youngjae said. “I don’t exactly look to any of you for romance. I miss spending time like that with other people too.”

“Right, that’s what I meant.”

“So, how was your date?”

“It was fine,” Jackson said. “She was pretty. She laughed at my amazing jokes. I went back to her place and she kicked out her roommate.”

“I empathize with the roommate.”

Jackson laughed and for a brief moment, Youngjae was satisfied. It was nice being the one capable of making Jackson laugh when it was almost always the other way around.

“Well, after she left, we had sex and then I came home and yeah, that was it,” Jackson said.

“Are you going to see her again?”

“No.”

It wasn’t a surprising answer. Mark and Jaebeom were the only ones capable of having an actual relationship since it was encouraged by their company and now also based on real feelings. The rest of them were not only banned from dating, they didn’t have the time to do it. Unless they dated someone else in the group.

“Did you at least have a nice time?” Youngjae asked.

“Dinner was good,” Jackson said. “She was really nice.”

“That’s good.”

The two of them didn’t do this usually. Jackson had Mark and Jinyoung to talk with when it came to the girls he dated. Youngjae talked to Jaebeom about it and sometimes his brother if it came up on one of their phone calls. It wasn’t that his attraction to Jackson made him not want to hear about his personal life. Strangely enough, he wasn’t jealous of the girls Jackson had been with. He was curious more than anything.

Part of him wanted to know what Jackson was like on a date. Was he the type to open the door for his date and pull out their chair? Did he show off and brag or did he listen to the other person tell him about their life? Clearly he wasn’t opposed to sex on the first date, but how far would he take things. How exactly would he kiss them and put his hands on them and undress them and he needed to think about something else.

“The sex was…uh, good,” Jackson said. “You know how it is.”

“Sex is good,” Youngjae said. “I get it.”

“And that was it, pretty much,” Jackson said. “A standard date.”

The way he spoke made Youngjae feel like there was something more. He got the feeling that there was something Jackson wasn’t telling him, but he wasn’t sure if he should pressure him into telling him or not. Mark was Jackson’s best friend. He was the one who should be asking questions, but he wasn’t there right now. Youngjae was the one who was there and it was up to him to see what was going on.

Before he could ask any follow-up questions, Jackson asked one of his own.

“How did you know you were into guys?”

That was a complicated question to answer but it was also a question he never expected Jackson to ask. His brother had asked him the same thing once, when he was younger and worked up the courage to tell him. It hadn’t been out of curiosity then though, his brother had been cautious, careful like he was making sure Youngjae wasn’t mistaken. He was accepting now, but when Youngjae first told him he liked both boys and girls, it was like he felt the need to fact check him.

“Lee Minho in _Boys Over Flowers_ ,” Youngjae said, because it was the easy answer to give.

“Oh,” Jackson said. He seemed startled by Youngjae’s bluntness. “And that was it? You just liked him and then you realized?”

“In a way,” Youngjae said, realizing that he now had to give the more complicated answer. “I think I always knew. It was always in the back of my mind. Growing up, I liked playing with my boy friends as much as my girl friends. When I was 10, there was this boy in my class who moved halfway through the school year. He didn’t know anyone, so I told him to sit next to me so we could be friends. All my other friends would talk about what girls they liked, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how pretty he was and how much I liked him more than my other friends. Then, a few years later I watched that drama and I couldn’t help but want Lee Minho to kiss me instead of Ku Hyesun.”

“You wanted him to give you close-mouthed, awkward kisses?”

“Those kisses were the height of romance to a 12 year-old.”

They both laughed, the awkward tension having lifted from them both. Youngjae wanted to believe that Jackson was asking these questions because he wanted to know more about him. He wanted to strengthen their friendship and understand him better. Jackson was just trying to educate himself and become a better person.

Those were the reasons he was telling himself anyway. He was repeating those words over and over again. Jackson was being a good straight ally.

“What happened to the boy you liked?” Jackson asked. “Do you still talk to him?”

“We went to different middle schools,” Youngjae said. “I don’t know where he is now. I guess I could find him online though, or ask some old friends from back home.”

“Do you want to do that?”

“No,” Youngjae said, shaking his head. “I think it’s best to leave him in the past. I don’t want my idealized first love to be ruined if I find him again and he ends up being a terrible person.”

“That’s smart,” Jackson said.

“I guess.”

His hands were folded in his lap and he didn’t know how to get out of this conversation. It didn’t make him uncomfortable, but he was too busy fighting his own thoughts. He didn’t want to listen to the tiny, soft voice in the back of his mind that was saying that the real reason Jackson was asking these questions was because he was questioning something about himself. Youngjae wasn’t going to get his hopes up. He was smarter than that, he knew better.

Jackson sat down on Mark’s bed next to him, their thighs pressed together and neither one of them moved away from the contact. One of Jackson’s hands landed on his knee and he felt his heart leap up into his throat. It wasn’t a friendly pat, it was heavy and deliberate and–

“Hyung,” Youngjae said quickly, like the word was forced out of him. “Why are you asking me these questions?”

An answer didn’t come right away. Youngjae made eye contact with Jackson, the weight of his gaze making him feel like he was being trapped in place. He looked so unlike the Jackson he had come to know. Instead of smiling and bright or mischievous and teasing, he was looking at Youngjae like he was trying to solve a jigsaw puzzle he had been working on for far too long.

Youngjae lifted his own hand, placing the tips of his fingers over the hand Jackson had on his thigh. He meant it as a comfort or as reassurance, but it seemed to break the spell and bring Jackson back to reality instead.

“To get to know you better, of course,” Jackson said, laughing loudly. He patted Youngjae’s knee, over and over again in light pats that could only be interpreted as platonic. “We’re like a family, the seven of us. I want to know everything about you.”

He stood up and went back to his own bed without looking at Youngjae. Part of him wanted to ask when Jackson knew that he liked girls, but he bit his tongue to stop himself. It seemed almost mean to ask a question like that.


	7. Chapter 7

“Tell me I can do this.”

“You can do this, hyung.”

“Tell me I won’t fuck this up.”

“You’re not going to fuck this up.”

“Tell me that Mark isn’t going to freak out and that he’ll trust me and that every decision I make will be the right one.”

“I don’t know if I can tell you all that,” Youngjae said. “You know, if you’re this concerned, you should probably tell Mark-hyung. You could talk about this together.”

“I can’t,” Jaebeom said. “I don’t want him to know that I’m freaking out.”

“So, you’re going to fake confidence and hope that that works out for you?”

“That’s the plan.”

It sounded like a stupid plan to Youngjae. The New Year had arrived and with it came not only Jaebeom’s birthday, but also their first anniversary as a group. He knew that the anniversary was cause for celebration for most of them, but for Jaebeom and Jinyoung it seemed to be something else. They never celebrated a first anniversary when they were a duo, so the seven of them coming this far must have been a relief for them.

Aside from those celebrations was a reason for slight panic, in Jaebeom’s eyes. His yearly rut lined up perfectly with one of Mark’s heats and the two of them decided to spend that time together. So, naturally, Jaebeom was panicking.

“I have a suggestion,” Youngjae said.

“I hate it already,” Jaebeom said.

“Hear me out.”

“I get the feeling I know exactly what you’re going to say.”

“You could ask Jinyoung-hyung for advice.”

“No,” Jaebeom said. “That is not happening. I can’t do that.”

“Why not?” Youngjae asked. “I don’t think he has feelings for Mark anymore and your friendship has been stronger than ever lately. And we both know he has experience with–”

“I don’t want to think about my best friend having sex with my boyfriend,” Jaebeom said. “I definitely don’t want to ask him about it.”

“Then talking to Mark seems to be your best option.”

He already knew that wasn’t the answer Jaebeom wanted to hear. They had been having this conversation for the last 30 minutes, going in circles and never coming to an agreement. Youngjae knew he was giving good advice, but Jaebeom didn’t accept any of it. Times like this when he was stubborn and incapable of listening to reason made him recognize Jaebeom as an alpha.

“I just want it to be good for him,” Jaebeom said. “I’ve never spent my rut with someone before and I’ve never been there for one of his heats. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“There’s a first time for everything,” Youngjae said. “It’s okay to be nervous.”

“Yeah, I know, but…” he said. “You’re a beta. You don’t know what it’s like to be in rut.”

And he was eternally grateful for that. Spending time around alphas and omegas, living with them even, hadn’t changed his outlook on life. Nothing had changed since moving to Seoul and living with alphas and omegas. None of them interested him. He was still only attracted to other betas. Currently, one beta in particular.

“You could tell me about it,” Youngjae said. “If you feel like venting.”

Usually when he invited Jaebeom to open up more or expand on his current feelings, he would close up again. It had taken a long time for Jaebeom to be comfortable sharing about his personal life. Youngjae knew he was only so open now because talking about Mark to Jinyoung was too awkward for him, so Youngjae was the safe option.

“My mind gets a little fuzzy, I guess,” Jaebeom said. “It’s hard to keep my thoughts straight. I’m completely taken over by instinct. I still have control, but it’s like my priorities change.” He sighed, placing his hands over his face. “I can’t hurt him, Youngjae.”

“You won’t,” Youngjae said. “Talk to him, hyung. He’ll understand your worries.”

“I know,” Jaebeom said. “I just don’t want him to think I’m inexperienced.”

“You _are_ inexperienced though.”

He should have expected a sudden death glare from Jaebeom, but the appearance of it still made him laugh. They were supposed to be moving into a new dorm soon and he didn’t know if they were going to be roommates again. The more he thought about it, the more he realized it didn’t matter if they were or not. They were close and sleeping in different rooms wouldn’t change that.

“Fine,” Jaebeom said in a tone that sounded like defeat. “I’ll talk to him and embarrass myself.”

“It’s better to embarrass yourself now than to wait until you’re in the middle of having sex.”

“Good point,” he said. “Again. You’re full of great points, you know that?”

“You’ve told me once or twice.”

It seemed like a natural end to their conversation, so he brought his attention back to his laptop. In one window he had a game open, but in the other was a word document with a few potential lyrics typed. He had been thinking about songwriting recently. None of it was very impressive, but he liked using it as a creative outlet.

Youngjae typed down a few more lyric ideas, liking each one less than the last, but still pushing forward. He tried to make them vague, about a nameless faceless girl he could potentially have a crush on. It was generic and the more he typed, the more he hated the idea. He tried again, this time focusing on someone more specific, someone who was always in his thoughts no matter how hard he tried to stop him from appearing there.

“Can I have the room tonight?” Jaebeom asked. “So I can talk to Mark?”

“I was kicked out last time,” Youngjae said. “You can talk in Mark and Jackson’s room.”

“Fair enough,” Jaebeom said.

They sat in silence for a while longer. The only sounds that filled the room were the flipping of pages of Jaebeom’s book and the tapping of keys on Youngjae’s laptop.

“I should take him to a hotel, right?” Jaebeom said. “He never spends his heat in the dorm and the heat and rut rooms at the company aren’t exactly romantic.”

“Yeah, a hotel room sounds good,” Youngjae said. “Just make sure it’s a nice one.”

“I’ll make sure it’s the nicest I can afford,” Jaebeom said. “I always want the best for him.”

“I know you do, hyung.”

Youngjae managed to write half of what seemed to be a somewhat decent poem. He wasn’t going to call it “lyrics” because he knew a song about his attraction for another man could never be released. The lines were some of the best he’d written, probably because they were about Jackson. They were specific and honest and he found himself liking it more than anything else he had written.

His relationship with Jackson hadn’t changed much on the surface. He was still good friends with him, like he was friends with everyone else in the group. Those outward feelings hadn’t changed, but what he felt for him was so different. It was almost as if every day he discovered something new about Jackson that made him like him even more.

He stayed in his room, staring at his laptop as he wrote and rewrote new lines of the poem, trying to make a finished product he was proud of. Jaebeom left eventually, more than likely heading to Mark’s room for the night. He didn’t know if Jackson would join him later or not. It was always a 50/50 chance since he would sometimes stay in Jinyoung’s room when he was kicked out by Mark.

Youngjae left his room eventually, going to the kitchen for a glass of water and a snack before going to bed. They had a few days off for not only the New Year’s holidays, but also because Jaebeom’s rut and Mark and Bambam’s heats always took place around the same time in early January. He didn’t have to wake up early tomorrow morning, so he didn’t feel guilty about staying up later than he usually did.

“You’re still up?”

He turned away from the cabinet where they kept their food, most of it consisting of snacks and instant meals. Jinyoung was dressed in his pajamas, his glasses sliding down his nose slightly.

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “Is Jackson in your room tonight?”

“No, I think he’s going to you,” Jinyoung said. “He’s with Bambam and Yugyeom right now. Who knows what those three are getting up to.”

Youngjae looked through their snack selection before coming to the conclusion that he wasn’t hungry anymore.

“Does it bother you?” Youngjae asked.

“That Jackson is hanging out with Bambam and Yugyeom?”

“No,” Youngjae said. “Mark and Jaebeom, them being together.”

“Oh,” Jinyoung said, his mouth turning down into a frown. “Well, yeah, it does. I can’t do anything about it though, so it’s not really worth being upset about.”

“That’s a mature response,” Youngjae said. It was also refreshing. He was so used to Jaebeom avoiding giving clear answers to his questions, so Jinyoung’s honesty was nice. “You still love him though, right?”

“Of course I do,” Jinyoung said. “I’ll always love Mark, but I know that it’s time to move on.”

He had been doing a lot of “moving on” lately, Youngjae had noticed. Omegas were drawn to him and he never did anything to turn them away or show any kind of disinterest. Whether it was a makeup artist or a barista at a coffee shop they went to, Jinyoung never turned down advances from omegas.

The only omega he paid no attention to was Bambam. They were close like the rest of them were, but it was clear that all the romantic interest Bambam showed him went unreturned.

“Goodnight, Youngjae,” Jinyoung said, taking a small bag of honey butter chips from their food stash. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

After doing a final search through their food, Youngjae decided that he could wait until breakfast to eat anything else. He went back to his room with a glass of water, placing it on his nightstand before sitting on his bed and bringing his laptop closer. Youngjae read through the poem on the word document, his cheeks warming with embarrassment as he reread his own words. He decided to play his game instead.

The door to the room opened when he had already turned the lights off and was under the covers, right on the edge of falling asleep. Light came from the screen of someone’s phone as the door was quietly closed again. Youngjae assumed Jackson was going to go straight to Jaebeom’s bed to sleep, but instead he sat on Youngjae’s mattress, his hand going to his shoulder.

“Are you awake?” Jackson asked. He was trying to make his voice sound like a whisper, but it didn’t sound any softer than his usual speaking voice. “Youngjae?”

“I’m awake,” he said. “I was about to fall asleep though.”

“Sorry,” Jackson said. “I didn’t want to wake you, but…there’s been something on my mind.”

“It can’t wait until the morning?”

“Not really.”

Youngjae sat up, stretching his arm out blindly until he made contact with his lamp. He turned the switch, the dim lightbulb instantly illuminating the room in a soft glow. When he looked at Jackson, he expected to see him dressed in his pajamas, but instead he was only wearing a pair of sweatpants. He used all of his self-control to make direct eye contact with him instead of looking at his chest.

“What’s up?”

While he waited for Jackson to respond, his mind tried to come up with different possibilities. His relationship with Jackson wasn’t one that included them talking about their feelings and personal problems. They usually kept things light and friendly between them. He couldn’t imagine what was so urgent that Jackson had to talk to him at that exact moment and not a second later.

Apparently Jackson didn’t have any plans to actually talk to him though.

Youngjae had been so close to falling asleep that everything felt somewhat fuzzy to him. That was the excuse he told himself anyway, for not reacting instantly to Jackson kissing him. The least surprising thing about it was that he kissed him before saying anything that implied that he wanted to kiss him. Jackson had always been a man of action.

“Hyung, what are you doing?” he asked, pushing him away when he finally realized exactly what was happening. He couldn’t help but feel a small tinge of regret for ending the kiss so quickly. “What’s going on? Did Bambam and Yugyeom put you up to this or–”

“No,” Jackson said. “No, I would never do something like that. That’s not me – that’s…You confuse the hell out of me.”

“I don’t know what that means,” Youngjae said. “Why did you do that?”

“Because I – fuck, I’m so bad at this,” Jackson said, running a hand through his hair. “Listen, I’m not like you. I don’t like guys, but I feel like lately I’ve…Every time I look at you I–”

“You’re not making any sense, hyung.”

Jackson’s breathing, which had been heavy and almost frantic only seconds ago, evened out. He visibly calmed down in front of him and Youngjae expected him to suddenly come to his senses. Maybe he would say it was a joke or that he was sleep deprived and didn’t know what he was doing.

“I’ll just show you,” he said.

If Youngjae were a better person, he would have stopped Jackson. He would have held him at arm’s length and told him that he shouldn’t touch him, that he needed to explain what was going on in his head. Instead, he let Jackson kiss him again. He let him push the blankets down his bed before settling on top of him between his legs.

Youngjae was afraid to speak. He didn’t want to say something that would bring Jackson out of the spell he was under. His brain couldn’t help but force words he wanted to say to the front of his mind though. He wondered what had happened to Jackson to make him act so suddenly. Youngjae wanted to know why exactly he was touching him and kissing him and pressing him down against his bed. All he wanted was to see what was going on in Jackson’s head, but asking those questions would definitely put an end to Jackson’s weight on top of him.

It had been a long time since he had kissed anyone. His body knew exactly how to respond though, his hands coming up to touch the warm skin of Jackson’s back as they moved their mouths together. Everything about Jackson was so warm, from his lips to his chest to the hands that slid under his t-shirt, gripping his waist.

He could feel himself getting hard and panic flared throughout him. They were only kissing, but the combination of Jackson being on top of him and how it had been so long since he had been touched, was enough to get his body to react. Youngjae tightened his hold on Jackson, more than ready to push him away before he felt his cock against him and it freaked him out. Just as that idea came to him, Jackson proved that it wasn’t necessary. He pushed his hips down, making Youngjae feel how affected he was as well.

Youngjae felt like he was in someone else’s body. It was like he was a different version of himself, existing in an alternate universe where Jackson was attracted to him and wanted to touch him and thought about him just as often as Youngjae did. But with every slight movement of Jackson’s hips and with every press of his tongue against his, he was reminded that this was somehow real and it wasn’t all happening in his head.

It had to come to an end eventually though. Their kisses got less precise and Jackson’s hips, that had been steadily rutting down against his, pushing their cocks together through their clothes, started to lose their even rhythm. If he were with anyone else the last thing he would want to happen would be coming in his underwear from kissing and rubbing against each other. But he was with Jackson and despite his confusion, he knew that he was safe. There was no reason to be ashamed of anything.

The noise that finally broke their silence was a moan from Youngjae, soft and a little shaky as he came. His orgasm wasn’t blinding or intense, it was a soft and almost gentle wave that ended as quickly as it arrived. Jackson buried his face in the crook of his neck and grunted against his skin.

Nothing was said between them for a few agonizingly long seconds. Youngjae stared up at the ceiling as he slowly came back to his senses.

“Hyung, what–”

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Jackson said, his voice thick, like it was difficult for him to get the words out. “You should go back to sleep.”

He got off the bed and left the room without saying anything else. The absence of his body made Youngjae feel like he was suddenly freezing. He couldn’t move at first, his mind working quickly to try and understand what had just happened. Before he could come to a conclusion though, he was greeted with the feeling of his come starting to dry in his underwear. He winced, getting up from the bed and grabbing a clean pair from his dresser.

Once he was dressed, Youngjae sat on top of his bed with his legs crossed. His hands were in his lap and he couldn’t stop himself from anxiously twisting them as he waited for Jackson to come back.

The door eventually opened again and Jackson walked in, wearing a different pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt this time. He glanced over at Youngjae, but broke the contact quickly.

“We should really get some sleep,” he said, going to Jaebeom’s bed.

“You can’t be serious,” Youngjae said. “We have to talk.”

“Do we?”

“Yes, we do,” he said. “You can’t just touch me like that and then pretend it never happened.”

“Of course I can,” Jackson said. “We both can. Just forget about it, Youngjae. It was a mistake.”

“You’re a piece of shit,” Youngjae said.

He turned off his lamp before Jackson could say anything and lied back down, pulling the covers over his head. The only noise he heard from Jackson was a shaky intake of breath which Youngjae chose to ignore.

At that moment he didn’t feel like he was a different Youngjae in an alternate universe, living out his perfect fantasy anymore. He felt totally and completely like himself, stuck in a world where nothing worked out for him like he wanted it to.


	8. Chapter 8

“She’s very playful,” the shop owner said. “She has a sweet personality as well. She loves people and does well in groups.”

“And you said she was hypoallergenic?” Youngjae asked. “My allergies won’t act up around her?”

“You’ll be just fine,” she said, giving Youngjae a kind smile. “I’ll let you two get to know her for a little bit longer before you make your decision.”

She went back to the cash register at the front of the store to help another customer who had been waiting in line. Mark sat down next to him on the padded floor of the play area.

“She’s really cute,” he said. “Do you think the other guys will like her?”

“I don’t know how anyone couldn’t,” Youngjae said, looking at the tiny white puppy in his arms. “She’s perfect. You really want to adopt her with me, hyung?”

“Yeah, of course,” Mark said. “I love dogs. Besides, we’re roommates now. We can take care of her together.”

A few months ago their group had moved into a bigger dorm in a nicer building. They still needed to pair up for rooms, but the change hadn’t been unwelcome. Jinyoung kept his own room, Bambam and Yugyeom were as inseparable as ever, and Youngjae and Jackson had traded roommates. It wasn’t a secret to any of them that Mark and Jaebeom would prefer rooming with each other, but it wasn’t “appropriate” according to their managers. Youngjae would love to see the looks on their faces if he told them how many times he had slept on the couch or in Jinyoung’s room so that the two could be alone together for a night.

“It’s a big responsibility,” Youngjae said, smiling as the puppy nibbled on one of his fingers. “We’re so busy.”

“We take her with us everywhere we go,” Mark said. “She can be our mascot.”

He had always wanted a dog. His parents told him he couldn’t have one because of his allergies. They insisted on getting another pet like a turtle or a fish, something that wouldn’t lead to him sneezing constantly and not being able to breathe clearly. None of them compared to the companionship he wanted from a dog though.

When he first moved into the dorm, back when they were all trainees, Jaebeom’s cat, Nora, already lived with them. He tried his best to keep it together, but after only a couple of days, he had to come clean to everyone. Nora went back to Jaebeom’s parents’ house and Youngjae felt guilty for weeks afterward over something he couldn’t control.

This tiny puppy in his arms wasn’t causing any of those issues though. She was perfect.

“Our new building does allow pets,” he said. “And she’ll have seven people looking after her, so she won’t ever be lonely.”

“She’ll be so spoiled,” Mark said. “So, are we doing this? Do you want to be my co-parent?”

“I really do.”

They spent another half hour in the store, picking out all the necessities they needed to take care of her. Youngjae kept her in his arms as Mark put everything into a basket. She was starting to get sleepy, her eyes slowly lowering and her mouth opening in the world’s tiniest yawn. Youngjae could practically feel his heart grow in size.

“Is there anything else you recommend?” Mark asked the owner at the checkout counter. “Did we miss something?”

“I think you have everything you need right here,” she said, carefully scanning each barcode. “Did you two walk here or take a car?”

“Our manager drove us,” Mark said.

“That’s good,” she said. “She’s too young to walk on a leash and carrying her for a long time could be tiring.”

Youngjae thought it was funny how she didn’t even inquire about why they had a manager. One glance at Mark was enough for her to know they were idols. If his blond hair wasn’t a giveaway, his accent definitely was. Youngjae liked to think he could blend in more easily.

They paid for their purchases and then left the store, promising to be back to buy more food and treats when they needed to. One of their managers was outside waiting for them in the early summer heat.

“Is this the newest member of the family?” he asked. “Boy or girl?”

“Girl,” Mark said. “We haven’t thought of a name yet though.”

“She’s very cute,” their manager said. “Are you two ready to go back to the dorm or is there somewhere else you want to go first? I could buy something for you to eat.”

His words were addressing both of them, but Youngjae noticed how he only seemed to be talking to Mark.

“I guess we could stop on the way back to get food for the others,” Mark said, looking at Youngjae. “Chicken?”

“Sounds good,” he said.

“I’ll go get the car then,” their manager said. “I didn’t park that far away, so it shouldn’t be long.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Mark said.

He gave a small smile to Youngjae, but he also reached forward, squeezing Mark’s shoulder before walking away. It could be seen as an innocent, friendly gesture to most, but Youngjae wasn’t stupid and he knew Mark wasn’t either.

“Does he do that often?” Youngjae asked once their manager was far enough away to not be able to hear them.

“What? Flirt with me?” Mark said. “Yeah, he does.”

His nonchalance was strangely not surprising to Youngjae. Mark was one of the most laidback people he had ever met. Even when he got upset or angry, it never lasted for long. He always managed to go back to being calm and collected without much effort.

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

“I’m used to it,” Mark said with a shrug. “It happens a lot with alphas at the company. They never take it too far though. Everyone knows I’m with Jaebeom.”

“Even if you’re used to it, that doesn’t mean you can’t tell them to stop,” Youngjae said. “Does Jaebeom-hyung know that they–”

“He has no idea,” Mark said, “and I don’t see why he would need to know. I don’t need an alpha to stand up for me. If things get bad or out of hand, I can take care of myself.”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Youngjae said. “I know you’re not helpless, I’m just worr–”

“It’s not a big deal, Youngjae,” he said. “You don’t need to worry about me.” He smiled at the puppy who was now fully asleep in Youngjae’s arms. “So, any name ideas for her?”

“Not yet,” he said. “I’m sure something will come to me though.”

Youngjae didn’t bring up their manager’s obvious interest in Mark again. On the trip home they stopped at one of their favorite takeout places and ordered what was probably too much fried chicken and too many side dishes. Their manager helped carry the food up to their dorm since Mark’s hands were full of pet supplies and Youngjae was still carefully cradling the sleeping puppy in his arms.

Everyone was home except for Jinyoung and Bambam since it was a Thursday. Recently they had started working as MCs at M Countdown. Youngjae had watched a few of their shows and they were both good at it. It was almost surprising to see how well Bambam coped since Youngjae knew he was anxious to have a job that he shared with Jinyoung. His crush hadn’t faded in the slightest and Jinyoung was still as oblivious as ever toward it.

“Finally, you’re back,” Yugyeom said as they walked into the dorm. “I’m starving.”

He grabbed the bags of food from their manager without another word of greeting and held them close to his chest.

“I can’t believe you’re more excited about food than meeting the new member of our family,” Mark said.

Yugyeom went from opening one of the bags to looking at the two of them, going from Mark to Youngjae. His eyes widened as he noticed the puppy.

“A dog?” he said, abandoning the food. “We have a dog? You actually got a dog?”

“She’s only a few months old,” Youngjae said as Yugyeom stood in front of him, looking like he didn’t know what to do with his hands. “We don’t have a name for her yet.”

“Can I hold her?” he asked.

“Of course,” Youngjae said.

He carefully transferred the puppy into Yugyeom’s arms. She was still asleep, more than likely worn out from playing with them at the pet store and then traveling to a new home. Yugyeom was the tallest in their group, so seeing him cradle the tiny puppy in his arms was almost comical. He treated her with care though, making sure not to move her too much.

“Am I doing it right?” Yugyeom asked, looking at Mark.

“You’re doing fine,” Mark said. “Dogs tend to let you know if you’re holding them in a way they don’t like.”

“So I’m doing okay?”

“You’re perfect, Gyeom.”

That response got a bright smile from Yugyeom who looked more pleased by that simple comment than any other compliment he had ever received. Like Bambam’s crush on Jinyoung hadn’t faded with time, it appeared that Yugyeom’s love for Mark hadn’t gone away either.

“Are Jaebeom and Jackson here?” Mark asked.

“They’re in their room,” Yugyeom said. “Arguing about something.”

“I’ll go get them,” Mark said.

He left Youngjae and Yugyeom alone with the puppy and the food after their manager left. Yugyeom had sat the puppy down on the floor and the move made her wake up. She quickly ran around the table, her nose to the floor as she smelled every inch of her new home. While she investigated, they unpacked the bags, spreading out the takeout containers over their table as they waited for Mark to bring back the other two.

Youngjae brought the puppy onto his lap, stroking her head. She was so peaceful when she slept, but he found that he much preferred her when she was wide awake and active.

“Where’s the puppy?” Jackson said as he walked into the kitchen, his eyes darting around the room like he was trying to find her as quickly as possible.

“I’ve got her,” Youngjae said.

Jackson knelt down on the floor next to his chair, his hands coming up to cup the puppy’s face. She started to bite at his hand, but he cooed at her, showing no signs that her teeth were hurting him.

Youngjae didn’t like to think about what happened between him and Jackson back in January. Nearly six months had passed since then and they never talked about it. Youngjae didn’t even give Jackson the silent treatment like he had wanted to. He did exactly what Jackson had suggested. Youngjae pretended like it never happened. He pretended like he didn’t know what it was like to kiss Jackson or to have him on top of him or to hear what it sounded like when he came. Things were normal between them, good even.

Sometimes Youngjae wondered if it had even happened at all. The memory of it felt like a strange dream.

“Does she have a name?” Jackson asked after making nonsense baby noises at her for the past minute.

“Not yet,” Mark said. “We’re still thinking of one.”

The others gave them suggestions as they ate their food, but none of them stuck as real contenders. Jinyoung and Bambam arrived when dinner was almost over, both of them tired after work. The exhaustion seemed to be temporary though since the combination of food and a dog quickly brought their levels of excitement up.

After eating they moved into the main room, all of them sitting in a circle on the floor as the puppy played with them. Bambam was in intense round of tug of war with her. One that he was clearly letting her win, judging by the gentle tugs he gave the rope.

“What about Coco?” Mark said. “It’s a pretty common pet name back in the States and it’s simple in Korean too.”

“That’s cute,” Jaebeom said.

“Yeah, great idea, hyung,” Yugyeom said, like he was trying to compliment Mark just as quickly as Jaebeom had.

“What do you think, Jae?” Mark asked.

“Coco?” Youngjae said, trying out the word. It was easy to say and he couldn’t help but think that it did suit her. He said it toward her next, trying to get her attention. “Coco!”

The puppy dropped the rope from her mouth, her head turning to look at Youngjae. It was more than likely only because Youngjae was addressing her in a high-pitched voice, not because of the name itself, but she still reacted to him.

“I think she likes it,” Jackson said.

“Then I think we have a name,” Youngjae said, scooping Coco up into his arms.

They played with her for a while longer, but eventually one by one they left for their bedrooms. Mark and Youngjae brought her into their room where she showed no signs of calming down, her tiny barks filling up the small space. Eventually the two played a game of rock-paper-scissors to see who would be the one to bring her into the living room to try and calm her down so the other could get some sleep. Youngjae lost, but he wasn’t too annoyed.

He carried Coco into the main room of their dorm, settling down on the couch. She wiggled in his arms, actively trying to escape so that she could play. After nearly an hour of playing with all of her new toys and doing laps around the room, her energy seemed to be fading. Youngjae lied down on the couch, resting her on his chest so he could hold her while he tried to get some sleep. The peace and quiet didn’t last long though because just as he was about to fall asleep, he heard someone’s bedroom door open.

“Is she finally asleep?” Jackson asked once he entered the room. “I heard her barking and running around in here.”

“And you didn’t volunteer to help her work out her energy?” Youngjae said. “You could have helped.”

“You had it handled.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

Youngjae waited for Jackson to go to the kitchen, make himself a snack, and then go back to his room. They hadn’t been avoiding each other, but they never went out of their way to spend time alone together either. He ran his hand down Coco’s back, watching her sleep soundly and feeling envious of her life. She was only a few months old and already had everything figured out. Eat, sleep, play. That was her life.

Jackson sat down on the end of the couch, lifting Youngjae’s legs to put them in his lap. One of his hands circled around his ankle, his thumb rubbing small circles into his skin.

“What are you doing, hyung?” Youngjae asked. “It’s late. You should go to bed.”

“I want to spend some time with you.”

“Why?”

“Because I like being with you.”

“Really?” Youngjae said, incapable of keeping the bitterness out of his voice. “The last time we were alone together, you didn’t seem to like it that much.”

His words didn’t have the desired effect on Jackson. Instead of acting embarrassed or ashamed or defensive, Jackson’s expression didn’t change at all. Youngjae wondered if he had already planned to start this conversation with him.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson said. “I’ve been…confused lately. Well, actually, I’ve been confused for a while now. I’m just going through something and I used you and I’m sorry.”

“That was the vaguest apology I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah, I know, sorry,” Jackson said. “Look, we don’t have that much freedom to go out and do what we want. Going on dates with girls is hard enough, but looking for…finding guys who would be willing to help me figure this out is even more difficult. And in the group, well, Mark has Jaebeom and Jinyoung is an alpha and I know I’m not into alphas and Bambam and Yugyeom are like my little brothers, so you’re–”

“So what you’re saying is that I’m your last resort,” Youngjae said. “I’m at the bottom of the list.”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” he said. “You’re at the top of the list. You’re my #1 pick.”

“It’s been months since we hooked up,” Youngjae said. “Why are you just now bringing this up?”

“Because it’s been months,” Jackson said. “I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I’ve been thinking about you a lot and I just need to get this out of my system. So many guys our age experiment with this kind of thing and I need to get past it. We’ve always been cool with each other and I…I liked what we did before. Is it such a bad idea that we help each other out?”

“Are you trying to say that being bi is an experiment, because I’m not–”

“Fuck, no that came out wrong,” he said. “You don’t need to experiment. You know who you are and what you like and that’s great and I envy you, but I’m…Youngjae, I’m a mess.”

He didn’t know what to say. What he did know was that one phrase Jackson said couldn’t stop running through his mind. “I just need to get this out of my system.” Whatever Jackson wanted from him was temporary. It wouldn’t be built to last, no matter how it made Youngjae feel.

Accepting this arrangement would only cause him pain in the future. He didn’t see any possible outcome where his heart wasn’t broken. Because he liked Jackson so much. Just like Bambam’s crush on Jinyoung and Yugyeom’s crush on Mark hadn’t disappeared over time, his attraction to Jackson hadn’t gone away either.

“So, you want to fuck me once to see how it feels?” Youngjae asked.

“No, well, not only once, I mean, fuck,” Jackson said, stumbling over his words. “I want to try out different…things. To see if I like it. And it’ll stop when I have this all figured out.”

Youngjae would truly be an idiot to agree.

“Fine,” he said. “Works for me. Let me know when you want to start.”


	9. Chapter 9

“Are we terrible human beings?” Jackson asked.

“Uh, no?” Youngjae said. “Why would you ask that?”

“Because Bambam is in a medically induced coma, but the only thing I can think about is the best way to ask if you’d be willing to suck me off.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said, incapable of keeping the surprise out of his voice. “Well, that’s certainly one way to ask.”

“Not a very nice one though,” Jackson said. “I’m starting to feel guilty that we bailed on them.”

“We didn’t bail on anyone,” Youngjae said. “They were practically pushing us out the door when we said we wanted to get some fresh air. And saying that Bambam is in a coma is exaggerating it. The doctor said the sedative would only last until his heat was over.”

Two days ago, on Mark’s birthday, both he and Bambam went into heat. Mark’s heat was always barely noticeable. He worked through it without issue and it never seemed to affect him strongly. Bambam was the exact opposite. For as long as Youngjae had known him, Bambam went through painful and intense heats. His current heat had been the worst of them all, resulting in them calling a doctor to their dorm to have him sedated so that his heat wouldn’t cause him actual harm.

It had been scary, waiting for the doctor to show up while they did everything they could to keep his temperature down. The doctor said that Jinyoung’s presence was helpful since he was an alpha Bambam trusted. He had taken those words to heart as well. Jinyoung hadn’t left Bambam’s side since he’d been given the sedative.

Mark was still at the dorm, juggling checking in on Bambam occasionally and sneaking away to spend time with Jaebeom when he needed relief from his own heat. Youngjae, Jackson, and Yugyeom were the only three who didn’t know where they fit in. Yugyeom had been in and out of the dorm, staying during the days to check on everyone, but then going to his brother’s place at night. Youngjae let Jackson sleep in his and Mark’s room. For the most part they tried to stay out of everyone’s way at the dorm, but eventually the others told them to go out and take a break.

Apparently their idea of taking a break was locking themselves in one of the practice rooms at the company, pretending to actually practice for about ten minutes, and then making out on the couch.

“I just want him to be okay,” Jackson said. “Seeing him in pain and not being able to help him makes me feel so useless.”

“I get what you mean,” Youngjae said.

He wished Jackson hadn’t chosen such an awkward time for him to break their kiss to talk to him. Youngjae was straddling his lap, lightly stroking the back of his neck as he talked. Of course he was worried about Bambam, but he had been enjoying the distraction.

“I hope the doctor can figure out a way to help him,” Jackson said.

“Me too.”

Youngjae loved that Jackson was so caring. He always tried to make people see him as someone intense and powerful, or funny and carefree. Jackson went back and forth between those two personas easily, but Youngjae preferred him when he was just being himself. Even if that meant he was closed off or feeling down. He liked him best when he was being honest.

“Times like this just make me happy I’m a beta,” Jackson said. “I don’t have to worry about anything like that. When I was younger I used to be obsessed with the idea of being an alpha, but now I like who I am.”

“That’s good,” Youngjae said, shifting his weight on his lap. “I feel the same way about being a beta.”

“Life is just easier this way, you know? Nothing is complicated and–”

“Hyung, do you want me to give you a blowjob or not?” Youngjae said. “Because you brought it up and now you’re acting like you forgot all about it.”

“I was actually talking so much because I wanted you to forget,” Jackson said. “I can’t believe I just blurted it out like that.”

“Why would you want me to forget?”

“Because we haven’t done that yet and I didn’t want to freak you out.”

“Do I look like I’m freaking out?”

“No,” he said. “But seriously, Jae, you know I can’t control what I say. I’m always saying stupid shit.”

“I didn’t think it was stupid,” Youngjae said. “I was a little surprised, but I don’t mind.”

He kissed Jackson before he could continue rambling and talking in circles. At the beginning of their arrangement, the mood had always been uncomfortable. Neither one of them ever knew what to say before, during, or after. They tried to use as few words as possible to talk.

Slowly, they became more comfortable with each other. Talking didn’t seem so scary anymore just as long as they talked about normal things. Their situation was a lot less awkward when they realized that they should treat the occasional hookup as something that wasn’t a big deal.

Youngjae almost hated how comfortable he was with Jackson now. In high school the people he had been with, even the girls, acted like their meetings were shameful and embarrassing. The handful of strangers he had short flings with when he first moved to Seoul never treated him like he was someone worth getting to know. Looking back at those encounters, he realized that he was the same way. He was embarrassed of being intimate with his classmates. He never wanted to go on an actual date with the strangers he had met.

Jackson was different in every single way. They talked about everything. If one of them got a little self-conscious, they would laugh about it until they forgot why they felt that way in the first place. Being with Jackson was as easy as breathing. There was nothing to overthink or panic about. They could just be themselves.

That was probably why Youngjae was finding this so difficult. He knew his feelings for Jackson went way beyond friendship. And he also knew that those feelings weren’t returned.

“So, when you say that you don’t mind…” Jackson said, purposefully trailing off. “You mean?”

“I’ll do it,” Youngjae said. “I want to. Just don’t expect it to be that good though. I’ve only done it once.”

“You’ve done it before?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said, shrugging one of his shoulders. “Is that a bad thing?”

“No, not at all,” Jackson said. “You know I don’t judge.”

Youngjae wanted to correct him by telling Jackson that he didn’t judge other people, but he did judge himself. He knew he was still trying to justify the attraction he felt for Youngjae and possibly other men. Jackson was of the mindset that he was partaking in harmful experimentation, that this was all a phase that would fade away.

“Let me do this for you then,” Youngjae said, kissing him once more before sliding off of the couch. “I want to help take your mind off of things.”

The last and only time he had given someone a blowjob was in high school with an older student who was on the baseball team. It hadn’t been an exactly enjoyable experience, but it hadn’t completely turned off Youngjae to the idea of it either.

“Just let me know when you’re about to come,” Youngjae said. “I really don’t want you coming in my mouth.”

“I will be sure to do that,” Jackson said. “I can give you a live play-by-play, if you want. I’ll narrate the entire thing.”

“That sounds a little unnecessary,” Youngjae said.

“I love doing unnecessary things,” he said. “I’m an overachiever.”

“I know you are, hyung.”

Jackson pulled his sweatpants and boxers down his legs and Youngjae took them off the rest of the way before kneeling between in front of him. Starting was always the worst part. Especially since Jackson wasn’t fully hard. He seemed to realize the reason for Youngjae’s initial hesitance though, because he wrapped a hand around himself, stroking until he was ready.

Youngjae tried to think of a plan of action, but quickly decided that he would go for it without thinking too much. If Jackson wanted to treat this like an experiment, then he could too.

He placed his hands on his thighs, using them as slight leverage before leaning forward and bringing the head of Jackson’s cock into his mouth. The moan he heard from Jackson was almost as satisfying as the weight of him on his tongue. He curled his hand around the base of his cock, using his tongue to massage the tip. The light touches seemed to do something for Jackson since he moved his hips forward, pushing further into Youngjae’s mouth. It was only a slight movement though, so it wasn’t completely unwelcome.

Youngjae continued to tease the head, enjoying the breathy moans escaping from Jackson. He loved the noises he made and how he seemed to be doing his best to be a gentleman and not thrust into Youngjae’s mouth. It was a different experience from blowing his upperclassman in high school. He had been so nervous then that he couldn’t enjoy the experience at all. He liked this though. Youngjae liked how even though he was on his knees for Jackson, he felt like he was the one in control.

He tightened his hand on his cock as he moved further down, slowly taking more of him into his mouth. The feeling of him against his tongue, filling his mouth was strangely satisfying. He didn’t expect to get pleasure from this, but he wasn’t complaining. It was more than likely a mix of all the sensations around him. His own cock was hard and rubbing against his pants. Jackson’s breathing was getting heavier with every millimeter he moved. One of his hands was on the back of Youngjae’s neck, not gripping, just resting there and feeling almost like a brand. It was definitely the most intimate act they had done together, much more intense then hand jobs and rubbing against each other.

“Fuck,” Jackson said, his voice was almost forced, like he had to focus on making clear words. Or maybe even just remembering Korean. “Can you – Can you start moving? Please, I–”

Youngjae decided to take pity on him and started to bob his mouth, taking him in a little bit at a time as he got used to Jackson’s length. He didn’t consider himself to be an expert on dick sizes. It wasn’t like he kept a list comparing each one that he had encountered. Youngjae did know enough to know that Jackson’s wasn’t the biggest one he had seen, but it was still a good size. The thickness of it was more impressive than the length, since it was enough to make his jaw already ache.

He moved his free hand to Jackson’s balls, cupping them and applying pressure while he continued to move his mouth. The routine of it was starting to get to him. It was as if all his focus belonged to making Jackson feel good. His mind kept going through different techniques he had read about online or seen in porn. He went back to the head, tonguing at the slit in a way that made Jackson curse a string of expletives in English. The hand on the back of Youngjae’s neck started to curl, his fingernails scraping against his skin and making Youngjae moan around his cock.

“Stop, stop,” Jackson said. “Holy shit, stop and come back up here.”

“Why?” Youngjae said, pulling off. He tried not to think about how strange his voice sounded to his own ears. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Jackson said. “Fucking fantastic. I just need to come and I want you on my lap so I can make you come too.”

That was all Youngjae needed to hear to start moving. He got to his feet, taking note of how shaky his legs were, and then straddled Jackson’s lap again, like he had been minutes before. Jackson pulled him into a kiss as he worked a hand into Youngjae’s pants and pulled his cock out. He lined them up in his hand and Youngjae had to break the kiss, the feeling of Jackson’s cock against his felt so good that it was difficult to focus on kissing.

They pressed their foreheads together as Jackson jerked them off. He had gotten Jackson close with his mouth and going down on him turned Youngjae on so much that he was as close as Jackson was. Youngjae bit down on his lip as he came, his eyes glancing down just in time to see Jackson follow him right after.

“You’re amazing,” Jackson said, kissing the base of his neck and then his collarbone. “So fucking amazing. You just made me come so hard.”

“You’re the one who finished us off.”

“Yeah, but you got me there,” Jackson said. “Are you sure you only did that once before?”

“I’m positive,” Youngjae said. He wound his arms around Jackson’s shoulders, trying to make the moment last for a little bit longer so that they could soak in the afterglow together. “It was good for me too.”

“Good,” Jackson said. His hands went under Youngjae’s t-shirt, pressing against the small of his back. “That’s good. You should always feel good.”

“Oh, yeah?” Youngjae said. “Then are you going to do that for me next time?”

It was meant to be teasing and playful, but as soon as he finished speaking he realized it was the wrong thing to say. Jackson’s easygoing, post-orgasm smile abruptly straightened into a flat line. The hands that had been touching Youngjae’s back slipped out from under his shirt.

“Uh, I don’t know about that,” Jackson said. He was trying to make his voice sound light, like he wasn’t bothered by the suggestion, but Youngjae could practically see him starting to regress. “That’s not really something I want to do. No offense. You can probably find someone who can help you out though. We’re not in a relationship. We can see other people.”

“I know,” Youngjae said, getting off of his lap. The moment was over. Whatever spell they had been under was broken. “I was just messing around.”

They got dressed and Jackson suggested that they bring food back to the dorm for the others. It was like nothing had happened between them, almost as if they actually used the practice room for dancing and nothing else.

When they got back to the dorm, Youngjae wasn’t surprised to see that nothing had changed since they left. Mark, Jaebeom, and Yugyeom were sitting on the couch together in the main room. A movie was playing on the television, but none of them seemed to be paying attention to it. Mark was looking at his phone, Yugyeom was looking at Mark, and Jaebeom was looking at Yugyeom looking at Mark, like he expected him to be some sort of threat.

“We have food,” Jackson said, holding up the bags of takeout.

Jaebeom stood so quickly that Youngjae was surprised he kept his balance. He reached down to circle a hand around Mark’s wrist, pulling him to his feet as well.

“You should eat,” he said.

“We should all eat,” Mark corrected before looking at Jackson and Youngjae. “Thanks for getting food. How was practice?”

“Not very helpful,” Jackson said. “I might have fallen asleep on the couch.”

“Of course you did,” Mark said.

They started to sort through the takeout containers when the door to Bambam and Yugyeom’s room opened. Jinyoung walked out in the same clothes he had been wearing for the past two days. Youngjae didn’t need to have an enhanced sense of smell to tell that bathing wasn’t at the top of the list of his priorities. The disgusted looks on Mark’s and Jaebeom’s faces were a good indicator though.

“Come eat something, hyung,” Yugyeom said.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Are you going to take a shower?” Jaebeom asked, not sugarcoating anything. “You need one.”

“I’m just stepping out to use the restroom,” Jinyoung said. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” Jackson said.

“Well, I am fine,” Jinyoung said. “I don’t want to leave him alone. The doctor said that my presence helps, so I’m staying by his side.”

“She said your presence helps when he’s awake while he’s in heat,” Mark said. “He’s unconscious, Jinyoung. He’s not aware of his surroundings. I’ve already offered to sit with him while you take a break.”

“I don’t need to take a break,” Jinyoung said. “What if he wakes up and I’m not there?”

“Then we’ll tell you right away that he woke up,” Mark said. He put a hand on Jinyoung’s bicep, squeezing lightly. “And you’ll come running and everything will be fine. Take a shower, get something to eat. You’re starting to worry me.”

Youngjae knew there was no possibility that Mark and Jinyoung would ever be together. Mark was too in love with Jaebeom and Jinyoung had finally moved past his feelings for Mark. Still, he could tell that Jinyoung would always have a weakness for him, one that Mark was not above exploiting.

“Fine,” Jinyoung said. “It’s going to be a fast shower though. And I’ll eat in the bedroom.”

“Okay,” Mark said. “Just as long as you’re taking some time for yourself.”

That seemed to be the end of it. Jinyoung left to go to the bathroom and in less than a minute they heard the sound of the shower being turned on. They went back to sorting through the food, Youngjae keeping a small distance from the others. He couldn’t help but wonder if he would end up like Jinyoung. The casual relationship he had with Mark two years ago was strictly sexual and ended with Jinyoung being rejected. What if the same thing happened to him? What if he stayed in the friends with benefits relationship with Jackson until he confessed his feelings and then got turned down. Just the thought of it filled him with anxiety.

“Are you okay?” Jaebeom asked. “Did something happen with Jackson?”

“What do mean?”

Jaebeom sighed before tapping his nose and giving him a knowing look. “I know you haven’t told me, but I know.”

“Your sense of smell is an invasion of privacy.”

“It’s not like I’m trying to use it for that,” he said. “I can’t help it. So, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine, hyung,” Youngjae said. “You don’t have to worry about me. I know what I’m doing.”

It sounded like a lie. Probably because it was a lie. Youngjae had no idea what he was doing when it came to Jackson.

“Okay,” Jaebeom said. He rightfully didn’t believe him. “If you say so.”


	10. Chapter 10

Youngjae had never felt more out of his depth in his life. The events that had led up to that moment were like a blur. They were in Shanghai for the final stop of their fan meet tour. He had learned from last year that December was a busy month for the life of an idol. There were award shows and special concerts and everyone always wanted to release a special song for Christmas. He was a Buddhist, so he didn’t get the appeal, but he still played along. The festivities were fun, even if he didn’t believe in the religious aspect of it.

He was exhausted and the month wasn’t even halfway over yet. Jackson must have sensed that, because instead of letting him stay in his hotel room, he invited him to come to his grandparents’ home to meet them and have dinner. The gesture was nice, but Youngjae didn’t think it helped his fatigue. If anything, he was more nervous than he had ever been in his life.

The food Jackson’s mother and grandmother had cooked was good, so at least he had that to distract himself as Jackson spoke to his family in Chinese. It was only the five of them at dinner. Youngjae was grateful Jackson hadn’t invited his entire extended family to dinner. That would have been too much to handle.

Conversation was difficult to keep since he spoke no Chinese and Jackson’s family didn’t speak Korean. They could go back and forth with small talk in English for less than a minute before Youngjae ran out of things to say. Jackson would always step in though, translating quickly with a big grin on his face. When Jackson went to use the restroom, the only thing that saved him was taking out his phone and showing them photos of Coco.

“Why am I the only one you invited?” Youngjae asked as they cleaned the table, bringing the dishes into the small kitchen. “They would love Mark-hyung. He actually knows how to speak Mandarin.”

“Because I wanted you to meet them,” Jackson said. “And you’ve seemed stressed lately. What’s more stress relieving than a home cooked meal?”

He wanted to tell him that a home cooked meal while he spoke to people who could understand him was more relaxing, but he didn’t want to hurt Jackson’s feelings. Besides, he had enjoyed himself. Jackson’s family was just as kind and welcoming as he was. Even with the language barrier, they managed to have a nice time.

“I did enjoy myself,” Youngjae said. “Your family is really nice.”

“They really are,” Jackson said. “I turned out okay too, didn’t I?”

Youngjae didn’t know how to tell Jackson that he had turned out more than okay. He didn’t know how to say that he was starting to become Youngjae’s favorite person and there wasn’t anything he would change about him and he was eternally grateful to his family for bringing him into the world, so that they had the chance to meet.

“Yeah, you’re okay,” Youngjae said. “There’s always room for improvement though.”

“Well, I don’t think you have any room for improvement,” Jackson said. “You’re already pretty perfect.”

It always amazed him how Jackson could say something so easily. Youngjae would be red in the face and stumbling over his words if he tried to tell Jackson that he thought he was perfect.

Jackson’s grandmother joined them in the kitchen, placing a gentle hand on Youngjae’s shoulder to get his attention. She pointed back to the table where Jackson’s mother and grandfather were sitting. Youngjae waited for Jackson to translate after she spoke to him.

“She wants you to relax while she helps me finish the dishes,” Jackson said.

“I don’t mind helping,” Youngjae said. “I’m a guest and she made all of this food. She shouldn’t have to clean up.”

“I’m going to tell you right now that she isn’t going to be impressed by that answer,” Jackson said in Korean before switching to Mandarin to talk to her. She glared up at Youngjae, shaking her head in disapproval before talking. “She says that because you’re her guest, you should be relaxing.”

“I don’t need to relax, I–”

He stopped talking as soon as Jackson placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head. “You’re fighting a losing battle. Go sit down.”

“How about the three of us do the dishes together?”

“Youngjae, seriously, sit down,” Jackson said. “It’s not going to happen.”

Reluctantly, he dropped the bowl he had been washing back into the sink, walking away with his hands up in a way that made Jackson’s grandmother laugh. Jackson was smiling at him too and he hated how easy this was. He hated that Jackson could invite him to have dinner with his family and it didn’t feel strange or uncomfortable. He hated how kind everyone was to him and how they all approved of him being Jackson’s friend. What Youngjae hated the most was that he felt like a fraud. He didn’t want to be just Jackson’s friend anymore, but he was stuck in that position, incapable of moving on to something more.

After dinner they sat around the table and talked for a while longer. Youngjae didn’t focus too much on trying to pick up any Chinese words that he might know and Jackson wasn’t as quick to translate anymore. He almost liked it better this way, feeling somewhat like an outsider as he listened to the family catch up. Jackson seemed lighter than he had in months, like he was finally allowing some of the weight he carried around with him to be lifted. Youngjae didn’t even realize that he had been watching him the entire time until Jackson turned to look at him, smiling softly in a way that made him feel overwhelmed.

“Are you ready to head back to the hotel?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “Are you staying here for the night?”

“No, I don’t want to give our managers extra work in the morning,” Jackson said. “It’ll be easier if I go back with you.”

“Are you sure?” Youngjae asked.

“I’m sure,” he said. “Let’s go.”

Youngjae watched as Jackson said goodbye to his family, giving them hugs and noisy kisses that made them laugh. They all hugged Youngjae as well. His mother placed a hand on his cheek, smiling brightly at him.

“Thank you,” she said in Korean before switching to English. “He likes you very much.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said. “I like him, too.”

They took a taxi back to the hotel. Jackson was quiet, leaning his head back on the seat while watching the city pass by from the window. Youngjae couldn’t read the expression on his face. He didn’t know what thoughts were going through his head. More than likely, he was thinking about how much he missed his family even though he had just seen them. There was also a tiny chance that he was thinking about Youngjae and what it meant to introduce him to them. Maybe he was even thinking about how he liked that his family seemed to like Youngjae. He wasn’t going to get his hopes up though.

“You’ll see them tomorrow at the fan meeting,” Youngjae said.

“And then we’re going right back to Korea,” Jackson said. “I won’t even see them for Christmas. Or New Year’s. Or Lunar New Year. Am I a bad son?”

“Do you think Mark-hyung and Bambam are bad for not being able to see their families for the holidays?” Youngjae asked.

“No, of course not.”

“Then why do you think that about yourself?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” Jackson said. “I don’t really know why I think anything.”

Youngjae didn’t know what to say to that. Sometimes Jackson worried him. He wasn’t always worried when he was quiet and not acting like his usual vibrant self. Youngjae could understand that Jackson liked being quiet on occasion, to recharge and relax. There were different levels to it though, and this Jackson, the self-blaming, vague Jackson, was worrying.

Their room assignments for the hotel hadn’t been that surprising. Bambam and Yugyeom were predictably together, so were Mark and Jaebeom. Jinyoung managed to get a room for himself, leaving Youngjae with Jackson. He thought that Jackson would spend the night at his family’s home, so he hadn’t been expecting for them to actually room together. It wasn’t a new arrangement for them. Even though they weren’t official roommates at the dorm, they slept in the same room together often since Mark and Jaebeom loved their alone time.

“I’m going to take a shower first, okay?” Youngjae said, taking off his shoes as soon as they entered the hotel room. “I’ll make it quick so you won’t have to wait long.”

He had just pulled his hoodie over his head when he felt Jackson wrap his arms around him, pressing his chest to Youngjae’s back. Neither one of them said anything at first. Jackson buried his face against his shoulder and he could hear him taking deep, even breaths.

“Hyung?” Youngjae said. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Jackson said. He didn’t sound “good” though. His voice was rough and his arms tightened their hold around him. “I’m always good when I’m with you.”

“That’s nice to hear,” Youngjae said. “But are you sure you’re–”

“I don’t want to talk right now,” Jackson said, turning Youngjae around in his arms. “Come here. Let me take care of you.”

“You don’t have to do that if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to though.”

Jackson cupped his face in his hands, pulling him into a kiss. Usually their kisses were playful or intense, but this one was slow and careful, like all Jackson wanted to do was take his time. There were two beds in the room and they walked to the one that was closest. Youngjae lied down on his back, trying to keep his breathing under control so that hopefully Jackson wouldn’t notice how nervous he was.

Having sex with Jackson wasn’t supposed to make him nervous anymore. They had been doing this for months and, while there were still things they hadn’t explored together, they had seen each naked enough times that it shouldn’t be awkward. Jackson took his shirt off, then leaned down to kiss him again, putting his hands under Youngjae’s shirt to encourage him to take it off as well.

“What do want to do?” Youngjae asked. “Do you want me to–”

“I don’t want you to do anything,” Jackson said. “I told you I would take care of you. Let me do that.”

“Okay,” Youngjae said, letting him kiss him.

Part of him hated how weak he was when it came to Jackson. Youngjae knew he should ask more questions. Something was clearly going on with him and he wanted to know what it was. What happened between seeing his family and arriving at the hotel that made him want to touch Youngjae so badly and not think about anything else?

Jackson kissed down his neck, whispering something in a language that Youngjae couldn’t understand. His hands went to Youngjae’s pants, unfastening them and pulling them down his legs along with his underwear. He settled between them, resting his arms on either side of Youngjae’s head and looking down at him.

“Hey,” Jackson said.

“Hi,” Youngjae said back to him. “Did you have a good night?”

He placed his hand on Jackson’s face, rubbing his cheekbone with his thumb. Youngjae knew that casual conversation was a strange thing to partake in when they were about to have sex. His relationship with Jackson was already so strange though, that the small talk seemed to work.

“Yeah, it was nice,” Jackson said. “I liked that you were there. I liked seeing you with my family.”

“I liked being there, too.”

Youngjae didn’t know how much longer he could keep this up. He wasn’t used to wanting someone so badly. His crushes tended to be fleeting; his attractions were usually surface level. Jackson was with him now, on top of him in bed with every intention of having sex with him, and yet Youngjae still wanted him. Because he didn’t have him, not really, and he knew that he never would. Being so close to Jackson was slowly killing him, but he didn’t want to put an end to things. Not yet.

They kissed again and Jackson reached his hand down, taking hold of Youngjae’s cock. His touch was lazy and unrushed. Youngjae ran his hands up Jackson’s back, moaning into his mouth as he slowly jerked him off.

“Can I try something different?” Jackson asked.

“Like what?”

“I want to fuck your thighs.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said. Just that one syllable was coated in surprise.

“Have you done that before?”

“No,” Youngjae said. “I’m not against it though. We can. If that’s what you want.”

“Yeah,” Jackson said. “It’s what I want.” He kissed him once again. “Can you turn over for me?”

It wasn’t perfect in any way. Nothing they did together was ever perfect. Each time they touched, it was always a little awkward, unrefined, clumsy. Youngjae loved it all though. This time was no exception.

Jackson was pressed against his back, impossibly close as he pushed his cock between Youngjae’s thighs. It brushed against his balls, rubbing in a way that made his breath catch in his throat and stay there. One of Jackson’s hands covered one of his own, their fingers intertwined as he pumped his hips against Youngjae’s. His breath fanned over his shoulders and Youngjae felt so _warm_. It was the intense and aching pleasure of being directly touched. The teasing of his cock and rubbing of his thighs was slowly making him go insane. He had to take ahold of himself, stroking his cock in rhythm with Jackson’s thrusts.

Everything about it was soft and intimate and somehow not enough, but too much all at the same time.

Jackson held him afterward, letting Youngjae rest his head on his chest. Neither one of them said anything, and Youngjae was grateful for that. As soon as Jackson gave him a sign that he wanted to talk, Youngjae knew that he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from saying something that ended up being too much.

“You should go ahead and take that shower,” Jackson said.

“Do you want to join me?”

He watched as Jackson looked up at the ceiling, his eyebrows furrowed like he had a million thoughts running through his mind and he was trying to examine each one at once. Youngjae was ready to take back his offer when Jackson leaned down, kissing the top of his head.

“Yeah, I think I do.”

They didn’t touch each other much in the shower. Exhaustion from a long day of traveling and the big meal they had for dinner and recent orgasms was starting to catch up to them. Jackson did wash Youngjae’s hair, and they laughed as he massaged the shampoo into his scalp and Youngjae felt strangely lighter. If they could laugh together, then it felt like things could be more normal.

When they went to sleep, they curled up together one of the beds. Jackson pressed up against his back, holding him close and making Youngjae have optimistic, hopeful thoughts about how maybe something had shifted that night. Maybe what he thought was impossible was actually possible. Maybe the feelings he had for Jackson weren’t so one-sided.

Youngjae woke up the next morning alone. He looked across the room, seeing Jackson under the covers of the other bed, fast asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night he had moved. Youngjae didn’t know why he felt so surprised. He should know by now that whenever he felt like he had made some progress, Jackson always managed to take a few steps back.


	11. Chapter 11

“You need to put a stop to this, Youngjae,” Jaebeom said.

“Why would you call me just to tell me that?” he asked. “You never call me. You always text. I thought something was wrong.”

“Something is wrong.”

“Nothing’s wrong,” Youngjae said. “Unless there’s an actual emergency happening, I’m going to hang up. I’m sick of hearing the same lecture from you.”

“That’s too bad,” Jaebeom said. “Because I plan on giving you the same lecture until you come to your senses. I know you love him. I know Jackson isn’t a bad guy. I care about both of you and that’s why this can’t go on any longer. You’re just hurting each other and that’s going to hurt the team and I don’t want to stand by and watch this go on.”

“This doesn’t have anything to do with you,” Youngjae said.

“Yes, it does,” Jaebeom said. “You’re like a little brother to me. So, if you don’t end this within the next couple of days, then I’m going to tell Jackson that I know. And I’ll tell him to end it.”

Youngjae tightened his grip on his phone so that he wouldn’t drop it. If Jaebeom told Jackson that he knew they had been hooking up, then Jackson would end things instantly. It was obvious that this was something he wanted to keep a secret. Youngjae didn’t think Jackson had even told Mark what they had been doing.

“That’s not fair,” Youngjae said.

“How he’s been treating you isn’t fair,” Jaebeom said. “Has he ever said to you that he knows he’s not straight? Or that he has feelings for you?”

“Well, no, but–”

“You deserve to be with someone who actually wants to be with you, Jae,” he said. “Not with someone who’s in denial and wants to hide you from the world.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to stop any tears from falling. Jaebeom wasn’t exactly being gentle with his words, but Youngjae knew they were words he needed to hear. Even if they had been repeated to him over and over again for months now, it was like they were finally starting to sink in.

“Just give me a little more time, please,” Youngjae said.

“How about until the end of tomorrow?” Jaebeom asked.

That was too soon. Less than two days wasn’t enough time for Youngjae to live in the state of denial he had created for himself. He knew it was better to get it over with though. It would be like ripping off a band aid. The faster it happened, the more bearable it would be.

“Fine,” Youngjae said.

He ended the call, not wanting to hear Jaebeom tell him that he was doing the right thing and that things would get better. Youngjae stayed seated on the toilet in the restaurant’s restroom, his heart feeling heavier with each beat.

When he went back to the table Jackson was at, he took a moment to look at him. His hair was the same bleached blond it had been for almost an entire year now. He was wearing a t-shirt, despite it being early March and still cold outside. When Youngjae questioned him on his choice of shirt as they left the dorm, Jackson replied by saying he was hoping for spring to come early.

For just a single moment he pretended that he was meeting his boyfriend for dinner. That moment passed by quickly though.

“What took so long?” Jackson asked as he sat down across from him. “Upset stomach?”

“No, I feel fine,” Youngjae said. “I was just talking to, uh, Bambam. He’s still freaking out about Jinyoung.”

“Oh, right,” Jackson said.

Jinyoung had been acting strangely around Bambam ever since his heat last September, the one that he had to be sedated for. It was like seeing Bambam in that state had flipped some sort of switch inside of Jinyoung’s head. They all noticed the differences too. Jinyoung would touch Bambam for longer, give him endless compliments, and always stay in his personal space. Youngjae thought that Bambam would be pleased to see his feelings finally requited, but he was panicking instead.

“They’ll figure it out,” Youngjae said. “Alphas and omegas have it easy, I guess. It seems so clear-cut for them.”

“Yeah, it does,” Jackson said. “Mark and Jaebeom used to fight all the time, but now they’re crazy about each other. I don’t think anything could come between the two of them.”

“Yugyeom is certainly determined to.”

“That kid needs a wake-up call.”

He wasn’t the only one who needed a wake-up call. Youngjae wanted to point out to Jackson that he needed one as well, but he kept that to himself.

As they ate, Youngjae could keep pretending. He could keep living through the fantasy in his mind. They were on a date. He was having dinner with his boyfriend. Jackson would tell him about his day and insist on paying for the meal and then he would kiss him on the sidewalk outside without caring who saw them. They would hold hands as they walked home to their shared apartment where they would fall asleep without having sex because that wasn’t all their relationship was.

“I booked a room at a hotel tonight,” Jackson said. “It’s been a while and I’m sick of hooking up in an empty practice room or trying to be quiet at the dorm.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said, abruptly brought out of his fantasy. “That sounds nice. It’s a good hotel, right?

“Excellent reviews from five different websites,” Jackson said. “Let’s pay for dinner and then head over there. We have a day off tomorrow, so we won’t have to rush to leave in the morning.”

Youngjae replayed the conversation he had with Jaebeom earlier. He deserved someone who didn’t want to hide him from the world. It was too bad that the only person he wanted to be with was Jackson.

The cab ride to the hotel was quiet. Jackson didn’t say anything and Youngjae considered that an improvement from the first time they went to a hotel. He used to tell long stories to the taxi drivers, trying to explain to them why two men were heading to a hotel together. They were meeting friends at the bar. They were from out of town and rooming together to save money. A mutual friend was holding his bachelor party there. None of the drivers cared what they were doing, they just wanted to be paid, but Jackson still felt the need to justify himself. He didn’t do that anymore, thankfully. He would sit in silence, looking out the window at the city around them and not sparing a single glance in Youngjae’s direction.

“This place is nice,” Youngjae said as they stepped inside their room.

It was a big hotel, not unlike the ones they stayed in when they traveled overseas for concerts. Most hotels Jackson booked for them in Seoul were small and family-owned, discreet. This one came with a room service menu and more than one choice of shampoo and conditioner in the bathroom.

“We have a comeback in a few weeks,” Jackson said. “We’ll be busy, so I don’t know when we’ll get the chance to do this again. I thought this would be nice.”

“It is nice,” Youngjae said, feeling like a broken record. “Thanks, hyung.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Jackson said. “Just come here. I’ve been pretty pent up lately and I need–”

“Okay,” Youngjae said. He purposely cut him off, not wanting to hear Jackson tell him that he wanted to fuck Youngjae because he was sexually frustrated. Sometimes he liked to delude himself into thinking that Jackson wanted to be with him for more than that. “I’m here. I want this too.”

“Good.” Jackson sat down on the bed, putting his hands on Youngjae’s thigh as soon as he straddled him. “I’ve been going back and forth between here and China and I don’t think I’ve had any time for myself.”

“So, you consider this time for yourself?” Youngjae asked. “Us being together like this?”

“It takes my mind off of things.”

Right. Of course it did. Youngjae was a distraction from Jackson’s busy schedule. A schedule that left him exhausted most days. A schedule that made Jackson work nonstop until he made himself sick. They were all worried about how hard he pushed himself, but he brushed off their concern whenever they talked to him about it.

“Can I fuck you tonight?” Jackson asked, kissing up his neck. “Is that okay?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said, because if this was going to be their last time together, he wanted to go all out. “More than okay. I’d really like that.”

“Good,” Jackson said again. “I’ll be good to you. Promise.”

Youngjae didn’t know if his heart would be able to take this. He pushed those feelings down though, wanting to enjoy tonight even if he would be miserable tomorrow and every day after that. They undressed quickly, having learned a long time ago that doing it right away spared them from awkwardness later on. Youngjae lied down on the bed, the only light in the room coming from the lamp on the nightstand. It was a little harsh, almost too bright, and he felt exposed by it. Jackson covered his body with his own though and all thoughts of a too bright light left his mind.

They made out for a while, taking their time in a way they could only do when they were at a hotel. He ran a hand through Jackson’s hair while holding his waist with his free hand, admiring how firm and strong his core felt. Jackson always liked working out, but he had been doing it with a new sense of vigor lately. Sometimes it made Youngjae feel a little self-conscious, comparing how they looked, but Jackson never complained about his body, so he didn’t care about their differences.

“Turn over for me,” Jackson said once Youngjae’s lips were starting to tingle from kissing for so long. “Let me open you up.”

Youngjae leaned up, kissing him once more before flipping over onto his stomach. Jackson grabbed his ass, squeezing it and making Youngjae hide his face in the pillow, his face heating up. He loved how Jackson touched him, even if he could be a little crude.

They had only done this a few times and Jackson was the first person he had ever trusted to do it with. Youngjae had always been curious and he enjoyed fingering himself when he had the time and privacy to do so. Letting Jackson fuck him seemed to be a natural progression of things. The first time had been uncomfortable and bad enough for him to consider never trying again. Jackson had apologized though and the next time they tried he was more patient and gentle and it had been good. Not mind-blowing or incredible. He still had to jerk himself off to really enjoy it, but it felt nice. Youngjae loved how close he felt to Jackson when they did it.

“I’ve been really, _really_ looking forward to this,” Jackson said as he slowly pushed a lubed finger inside of him. “I need this, you know? We both do. We work a lot. It’s nice, doing this together.”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “Yeah, it is nice.”

He didn’t want to hear Jackson talk anymore. Youngjae just wanted to feel him and touch him and go back to his fantasy world where Jackson was having sex with him because he loved him. Not because he saw Youngjae as his own personal stress reliever.

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” Jackson asked.

Two of his fingers were inside Youngjae now, working him open. His hips kept rutting down against the mattress so that his cock could get friction against it. He moaned lowly, hoping that was a good enough answer to Jackson’s question.

“I’ll take that as a ‘no,’” Jackson said, kissing his shoulder. “I’m glad. I never want to hurt you.”

Youngjae pressed his lips together tightly so that he could stop himself from pointing out to Jackson how ironic that statement was. He needed to let go. He needed to enjoy this night and not get lost in his thoughts.

By the time Jackson was fucking into him with four fingers – being as thorough as ever – Youngjae was pushing back against his hand more often than rubbing against the sheets. He loved this. Loved how vulnerable he felt, how spoiled he felt. Jackson kissed the back of his neck, curling his fingers inside of him and rubbing against his prostate. Youngjae didn’t even care how shameless he was acting, moaning as he fucked himself back onto Jackson’s fingers. It felt too good.

“I’ve got you,” Jackson said.

He pulled his fingers out and Youngjae could hear the sound of him ripping open a condom packet. It wasn’t long until the blunt head of Jackson’s cock was pushing inside of him, splitting him open. Not for the first time, Youngjae thought about how he wanted to do this for Jackson one day. Being fucked felt so good and he wanted to return the favor. He wanted to take care of Jackson in the same way. It would never happen though. Whenever he even brought up the idea of fingering him or rimming him, Jackson freaked out. Youngjae understood that it simply didn’t interest some guys and he could respect that, but the way Jackson opposed it so strongly always left him with a bad feeling. Like Youngjae should be ashamed that he liked it so much.

Jackson thrust into him, one long and easy slide that had him moaning loudly, all uncomfortable and negative thoughts instantly leaving his mind. Youngjae clutched the pillow under his head, holding onto it as Jackson continued to fuck into him again and again. His cock always felt like it was stretching him open, punching the air from his lungs.

“You’re so tight,” Jackson said, pumping his hips in short, strong thrusts. “Fuck, it really has been a while.”

“It’s good,” Youngjae said. He was gasping out his words. “Don’t stop. Hyung, please don’t–”

“I won’t,” Jackson said. “Baby, you know I won’t.”

Youngjae didn’t know if the current of pleasure that ran through him then was because of Jackson calling him “baby” or because of how good he was fucking him. He strengthened his hold on Youngjae’s hips, driving into him at an angle that rubbed his prostate perfectly. His cock was aching as it was roughly pushed against the sheets with every thrust. This was going to be over soon. He was so close to coming and suddenly that seemed like the worst thing in the world to him. Youngjae didn’t want this to end.

“Stop,” Youngjae said, knowing he was saying the exact opposite of what he had been begging for only moments ago. “Stop.”

“What’s wrong?” Jackson asked. He stopped moving but his cock was still inside of Youngjae. “Are you okay?”

“I want to see you,” Youngjae said. “Can we – Can… I want to be on my back.”

The few seconds of silence that followed his request were agonizing. Whenever Jackson fucked him, they always did it like this. At first Jackson said it was because the position was the easiest, but Youngjae sometimes wondered if it was because he didn’t want to look at him.

“Yeah, of course,” Jackson said, pulling out of him.

Youngjae rolled over onto his back, instantly feeling insecure of how he looked. He was hard and leaking and his skin was completely flushed. Jackson didn’t look any less turned on than he was though. He leaned down, capturing Youngjae’s lips in a kiss before settling between his spread legs. Youngjae wrapped his arms around his neck, gasping into Jackson’s mouth as he pushed into him again. The angle was slightly different. He didn’t feel as full as before, but the intimacy of being face-to-face evened it out for him.

“You like this?” Jackson asked, slowly moving his hips, fucking him in long, even strokes. “This good for you, baby?”

He couldn’t answer him. Youngjae was overwhelmed. He cupped Jackson’s face in his hand, bringing their mouths together again. This was so different and so much better and he never wanted it to end.

Jackson put his hands on his thighs, lifting his legs up so that Youngjae could wrap them around his waist. He rutted down into him, their bodies so close together that Jackson’s stomach rubbed against his cock. Youngjae’s hand moved to the back of his neck, his fingernails scratching his skin as he got closer and closer to the edge.

After they came, Jackson placed a series of kisses down his neck and across his chest, his teeth scraping against one of his nipples and making Youngjae slap him on the back to get him to stop. Jackson scraped his teeth against the other one, smirking when Youngjae hit him again.

“Fuck, that was good,” Jackson said, laying on top of him and keeping Youngjae in his arms. “Thank you.”

That was the last thing Youngjae wanted to hear after sex, but, like he had been doing all night, he kept his real thoughts to himself.

***

“I’m going to bed,” Jinyoung said, stretching his arms over his head. “I’ve had a long day.”

“You really have,” Jackson said. “I can’t believe it was your last day at M Countdown. You’re no longer my favorite MC.”

“Your favorite?” Jinyoung asked. “I’m going to tell Bambam you like me more.”

“I don’t think he’ll mind,” Jackson said. “As long as he’s still your favorite.”

“Shut up, Seun-ah,” Jinyoung said. He got off the couch, giving Jackson and Youngjae a sleepy smile. “Goodnight. See you tomorrow.”

He left without another word, leaving Youngjae alone with Jackson in the main room of their dorm. Mark and Jaebeom were spending some “quality time” together and Bambam and Yugyeom were hanging out in their room. Well, he wasn’t completely alone. Coco was sleeping in her dog bed on the floor, curled up into a tiny peaceful ball. She had been on his lap earlier, but he was feeling restless and she must have sensed that, so she gave him some space.

“I wasn’t even really paying attention to this movie,” Jackson said, grabbing the remote to the television and turning it off. “I was too busy thinking about you.”

“You were?” Youngjae asked.

Yesterday they had been having sex in a hotel room and now they were at their dorm, acting like everything was normal. Youngjae thought of Jaebeom and how he only had until the end of the night to break things off with Jackson. His deadline was tomorrow morning when Jaebeom would ask him if he needed to do for Youngjae what he couldn’t do for himself.

“Mark and Jaebeom are in my room tonight,” Jackson said. “Do you want me to keep you company?”

“No,” Youngjae said, surprising himself with how easy that was to say. “I want to stop.”

“Stop what?” Jackson asked. He took one of Youngjae’s hands, holding it tightly. “You mean you want to take a break for tonight?”

He took a deep breath and tried to steady himself so that his words wouldn’t shake as he spoke.

“No, that’s not what I mean,” Youngjae said. “I want to end everything we’ve been doing. I don’t want to have sex with you anymore. I just want to be friends again.”

“What are you talking about?” Jackson said. “You said you would help me out. What brought this on?”

“I just don’t want to do this with you anymore,” Youngjae said. “Hyung, this is really…it’s difficult for me and I–”

“It’s difficult for me too,” Jackson said. “I’m still confused about a lot of shit, but I don’t want to stop–”

“I do want to stop though,” Youngjae said. “Unless you’re ready to tell the others that I’m your boyfriend.”

It was a low blow, but he had to say it. He needed Jackson to realize how big of a mess they had made.

“But you’re not my boyfriend.”

“Exactly,” Youngjae said. “Look, hyung, at first I was happy to help you figure this out, but I can’t be with you like this.” His voice was starting to sound watery, but he kept it together, blinking quickly to stop himself from becoming too emotional. “Take some time to figure out what you need, but don’t expect me to help you anymore.”

He got up from the couch, glancing at Coco who was still fast asleep and deciding to leave her to rest. At least one of them should have a peaceful night. As he walked into the hallway with the bedrooms, he ran into Bambam. His eyes were huge in surprise and he was clutching empty pizza boxes to his chest. He was probably just going to throw them away when he walked in on their conversation at the worst possible time.

Youngjae thought about walking by him without saying anything or even trying to explain himself. Looking at Bambam filled him with a sudden rush of jealousy though. Bambam was in love with Jinyoung who was so completely capable of loving him back and he wanted that more than anything. He sighed, holding out a hand in front of him to stop Bambam from saying anything.

“At least the guy you’re in love with isn’t trying to convince himself that he’s straight.”

He walked right by him, entering his bedroom and closing the door behind him. Youngjae pressed his back against the door, sliding down onto the floor and finally allowing the tears he had been holding on to for so long to fall.


	12. Chapter 12

Youngjae ran a hand through Bambam’s hair, trying to do his best to listen and not speak as he ranted. They were in what felt like the 20th hotel they had stayed at that month. Their first world tour was going smoothly, after Jaebeom was finally able to join them. He had injured himself right before the tour started and had to miss out on the first few stops. They had been traveling for two months now and time to relax was always appreciated.

Listening as Bambam vented about his problems wasn’t exactly relaxing though. Youngjae sometimes hated how much of a soft spot he had for his bandmates. He would listen to any and all of their problems at any hour of the day without complaint. Well, except for Jackson. Youngjae wasn’t interested in talking to him anymore.

“He kissed me, hyung,” Bambam said. “Jinyoung kissed me and said I was beautiful and it was everything that I wanted, but it felt so wrong.”

“Didn’t you say he had a drink beforehand?” Youngjae said. “That might be why it felt so off. You should talk to him about it.”

“You sound just like Mark,” Bambam said. “That’s what he said.”

“Then maybe you should take that as good advice then,” Youngjae said. “I don’t like the way Jinyoung went about doing it, but this is a good thing, right? He likes you. He finds you attractive. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted?”

This wasn’t the advice Bambam wanted to hear. He clearly wanted Youngjae to agree with everything he said and not offer anything constructive. That wasn’t the kind of advice Youngjae liked giving though.

“I can’t stop thinking about what we talked about back in December,” Bambam said.

“Bam, that was six months ago.”

“I know, but it’s still on my mind,” Bambam said. “My heats are so strong that suppressants will eventually stop working if I don’t get mated. Jinyoung-hyung knows that. He has some kind of weird hero complex. He doesn’t actually love me; he just wants to save me.”

“Maybe he wants to do both,” Youngjae said.

“That makes it worse.”

“How does that make it worse?”

“I don’t know, it just does.”

Youngjae sighed as he continued to smooth his hand over Bambam’s head. He hoped with the simple motion he could find a way to soothe all of Bambam’s worries. It was unnerving seeing someone who was usually so carefree be weighed down by anxiety. Youngjae would have to talk to Jinyoung and ask him exactly what his intentions were when it came to Bambam. That wouldn’t be easy though. Jackson had been attached to Jinyoung’s side lately and Youngjae didn’t want to interact with him if the cameras that recorded their every move weren’t around.

He hadn’t talked to anyone about what happened with Jackson. Not even Jaebeom. Or Bambam, who had found out in an awkward way. Youngjae was almost positive that Jinyoung and Mark knew what was going on as well, but hadn’t said anything to him. Yugyeom was the only one who was in the dark.

Thinking about his relationship with Jackson made him feel embarrassed and ashamed. He kept thinking back to Kyungmo, his high school crush who had broken his heart. Youngjae had been stupid to be with him then and he was stupid to be with Jackson now. It was Jackson’s own problem that he couldn’t accept that he wasn’t straight. Youngjae wasn’t going to allow him to keep using him as an outlet for his frustrations.

“Jinyoung-hyung is a good person,” Youngjae said. “He loves you. He cares about you so much, Bam-ah. And we all know you’ve been in love with him since the moment you first saw him. I didn’t even know any of you back then, but I’ve heard all the stories. Let him love you. You deserve it. You both deserve to be happy and clearly he wants to find that happiness with you.”

He was so jealous of Bambam. Sometimes Youngjae wished he had been born as an omega and Jackson as an alpha. Or even the other way around. He didn’t care. All he wanted was to be with the person he loved in a way that didn’t make him feel so dirty and used.

“Those are really pretty words, hyung,” Bambam said. “But I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right. I just can’t believe that he actually has feelings for me.”

“Then you better start believing,” Youngjae said. “All you’re doing right now is causing yourself stress and postponing your happiness.”

They talked for a while longer, their conversation continuing on in circles until they both decided that they weren’t getting anywhere. Bambam was in complete denial and Youngjae only wanted him to be happy. He loved it when his friends were happy. Seeing how much Jaebeom and Mark loved each other always helped to lift his spirits. He wanted the same for Jinyoung and Bambam since they seemed to be moving, albeit slowly, in the same direction.

***

The next day, after waking up and eating room service breakfast, the seven of them were piled into a van and taken to the concert venue. Youngjae watched as Bambam stayed close to Yugyeom, avoiding all conversation that Jinyoung tried to start with him. Jinyoung was starting to look a little hopeless. And Youngjae felt a little bit sorry for him.

“Those two are giving me a headache,” Mark said, taking a seat next to Youngjae.

They were hanging out in the green room backstage, waiting for their managers to bring them on stage so that they could start the sound check. Youngjae looked to where Mark was pointing. Bambam was sitting with Jackson and Yugyeom, pretending to look busy and talking about their unit stage together. Jinyoung was staring at them from the other side of the room, his face clouded in worry.

Youngjae could understand why Mark had a headache.

“Bambam talked to me for over an hour about it last night,” Youngjae said. “I get that he’s scared. I understand why he’s so hesitant, but Jinyoung-hyung seems genuine.”

“Sorry, that’s probably my fault,” Mark said. “I told Bam that he couldn’t stay in mine and Jaebeom’s hotel room anymore. He hasn’t left my side since Jinyoung kissed him and I needed some space.”

“You mean you needed space for you and Jaebeom-hyung to be alone,” Youngjae said.

Mark shrugged, not confirming or denying Youngjae’s accusation. Youngjae didn’t see it as a bad thing for the two to want their privacy as much as they did. He knew that they didn’t only use that time to have sex. Sometimes it was nice to spend time talking to someone in private, or even just enjoying their presence. He thought back to the quiet moments he had spent with Jackson. There was something so calm about being alone with the person he loved while soaking in the silence.

He quickly banished all of those thoughts from his head though. Thinking about Jackson never did him any good.

“How have you been?” Mark asked.

“I’ve been fine,” Youngjae said. “I’m enjoying the tour. I love performing. Everything’s been great.”

“You know that’s not what I’m asking you,” Mark said. “I’ve been talking to Jackson. He misses you.”

That all but explicitly confirmed it. Of course Mark knew about his relationship with Jackson.

“I need space,” Youngjae said. “And time. And I don’t know how long that will take. Just tell him to keep his distance and only talk to me if he’s actually serious.”

“Okay,” Mark said, squeezing his shoulder. “I don’t know all the details. He hasn’t told me everything, but I do know enough to know that I don’t approve. Jackson’s my best friend, but you deserve better than that, Youngjae. I hope you know that.”

“Thanks, hyung.”

He already knew that he deserved better, but unfortunately he found himself wanting what was bad for him instead. Youngjae needed to figure out what was wrong with him.

***

The concert went well and they were hanging out backstage again, changing into clothes that weren’t soaked with sweat. Youngjae did his best to keep his eyes off of Jackson, who had been shirtless for nearly ten minutes now as he talked to Jinyoung. The show had been fun, but as soon as it was over, Youngjae felt like he couldn’t focus on anything. His thoughts were all over the place, jumping from one topic to another. He didn’t even realize that he was shaking until he tried to lace up his shoes.

“Hyung,” Yugyeom said. “Are you all right? You’ve been off all night.”

“I’m fine,” Youngjae said. He took a deep breath, using all of his focus to keep his hands steady. “I’m just tired. I’m ready to go back to the hotel and get some sleep.”

“I don’t think that’s the only problem,” Yugyeom said, shifting his weight nervously. “You haven’t been yourself lately. Is there something else going on?”

“Nothing’s going on, Gyeom,” he said. “Everything is fine. Don’t worry about me.”

He stood up and he instantly felt his legs start to shake as well. Usually he got anxious before concerts, not after them. Afterward he was usually so full of energy that he would crash as soon as he got back to the hotel. This was a completely new sensation.

“Hyung–”

“I’m going to step out into the hall,” Youngjae said. “It’s too stuffy in here.”

As soon as he left the room, he sat down on the floor outside, resting his back against the wall. He didn’t know what was wrong with him. Youngjae knew he did the right thing by ending his relationship with Jackson. He knew that avoiding him was also the right thing to do since Jackson always had a way of drawing him back in. Pushing everything down and refusing to talk about it might not be the best thing to do, but he didn’t want to talk about it.

Youngjae didn’t want to admit to someone how stupid he had been.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

He looked up, seeing a few of their backup dancers walking toward him. All of them kept moving, except for the one who talked to him. He went by the name Matthew and Youngjae had always liked him. They talked a lot and sometimes Youngjae even thought Matthew flirted with him.

“Nothing,” Youngjae said. “I’m just waiting for the others to get ready to leave.”

“Why aren’t you waiting inside for them?”

“I want to be out here.”

Youngjae was sitting on his hands, forcefully trying to stop them from shaking. It must have looked strange, because Matthew crouched next to him and reached for one of his wrists. Youngjae tried to keep his hand planted underneath him, but Matthew managed to pull it away.

“You’re freaking out.”

“I’m not.”

“Yes, you are,” Matthew said. “Fuck, Jae, are you having a panic attack?”

“I’m – what?” Youngjae said. “No. No I’m fine.”

“Close your eyes,” he said. “Come on, do it.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and suddenly the world around him got a little smaller, less intense. His body was still shaking, but breathing felt easier and freer.

“Deep breaths,” Matthew said.

Youngjae focused on his voice, using it to anchor himself as he took a few breaths. He really was freaking out, wasn’t he? There was something about today that had set him off in the worst way possible. He knew most of his worries centered on Jackson. Being with him every day and pretending that everything was all right when it wasn’t was starting to really weigh down on him.

“You’re doing great,” he said. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Performing, doing something so high energy all the time, it can be a lot.”

Of course that was why Matthew thought he was panicking. It was a logical reason and Youngjae didn’t want to correct him. Especially since correcting him would be telling him about everything he and Jackson had done together.

“Keep breathing. You’re all right.”

He didn’t know how long they stayed seated on the floor. Time didn’t feel like it was real to him anymore. Eventually he felt more grounded and his shaking had stopped. Youngjae opened his eyes, squinting slightly against the harsh fluorescent lighting. There wasn’t any noise coming from the room where the others were. He looked around, taking in Matthew and then Jaebeom, who was leaning against the opposite wall with his arms over his chest.

“How long–”

“It doesn’t matter,” Matthew said. “The others went back to the hotel. Jaebeom is here to take you back.”

“But how–”

“It’s okay, Youngjae,” Jaebeom said, holding out a hand so that he could help Youngjae to his feet. “They left through another door so that they wouldn’t disturb you.” He gave a small smile to Matthew. “Thanks, hyung.”

“No problem,” Matthew said. “My sister gets anxiety attacks sometimes. I just wanted to help.”

Jaebeom wrapped an arm around Youngjae’s shoulders, walking with him to the backdoor exit of the concert hall where one of their managers was waiting. He didn’t say anything and Youngjae was grateful for that. He knew that he would be asked a million questions tomorrow, but for right now he needed to use as little brain power as he possibly could. Youngjae leaned his head against his shoulder, sighing when Jaebeom ran a hand through his hair, just like he had done for Bambam last night.

“I’ve got you,” Jaebeom said.

That was one thing Youngjae could always rely on. Through all the uncertainty in his life, he could always count on Jaebeom to look out for him.


	13. Chapter 13

Youngjae looked at the row of potted ferns in front of him, trying to decide which one looked the nicest. It was almost impossible though, because not only did he not know anything about plants, the ferns all looked identical. He glanced at a table with more vibrant plants, next to it was a large selection of succulents. Jackson was holding one of the succulents, observing it quietly before touching one of the thorns with his finger. It must not have been that sharp, since he simply shrugged instead of crying to Youngjae about how a plant hurt him.

They were in a plant nursery on the only day off they had that entire month, a Wednesday in the middle of October while they were promoting their new album. He thought about how the others were spending their day off. Bambam was still avoiding Jinyoung. Mark and Jaebeom were on a date that Yugyeom had invited himself on as well. And he was with Jackson, paying for a replacement plant since Coco had knocked over a plant months ago that belonged to Jackson.

“Succulents are cute, right?” Jackson asked, holding up one with dark purple leaves. “They don’t seem like a lot of work either.”

“If that’s what you want, then get it,” Youngjae said. “I’ll pay for whatever you choose.”

He was trying his best to keep distance between them. It had been easy when they were touring. They were constantly together, but the other five were also there to act as buffers. At the dorm it was more difficult. That morning after they all ate breakfast, Jackson had cornered him, telling him that it was time for him to pay for his replacement plant. He couldn’t exactly turn him down since Coco was his dog and she had eaten most of Jackson’s plant after she knocked it over.

They didn’t talk about the physical relationship they used to have. It was easy to avoid talking about it since they rarely talked about anything anymore. Youngjae was trying to make friends outside of the group as well. He went on a few dates. He found himself talking to Matthew, their backup dancer who helped him with his panic attack, a lot as well. It wasn’t like he was tired of spending time with his bandmates, but he was starting to feel a little claustrophobic.

“Do you want to get something for yourself?” Jackson asked.

“No, I don’t think I will,” Youngjae said. “Taking care of Coco is enough work.”

“Yeah, she’d probably eat whatever plant you got too,” Jackson said.

The plant nursery was mostly stocked with house plants. It was a strange time of year to plant anything outside, so everything was in decorative pots with prices that were probably higher than they would be during summer. He thought about having his own place one day. A house was unlikely since he lived in Seoul, but he could have an apartment with a small balcony. He could put a pot out there to grow vegetables. Like tomatoes. Tons of people grew their own tomatoes.

“I’ve always wanted to be a plant person,” Jackson said. He had decided on a bright green succulent that’s leaves went in a spiral pattern. “I don’t think I have a green thumb though.”

An image of him picking tomatoes with Jackson on a tiny balcony garden flashed through Youngjae’s mind, but he shook his head. He had spent only an hour alone with Jackson and he was already starting to have useless thoughts.

“You’ll never know if you don’t try,” Youngjae said. “Let’s go pay for that.”

He paid for Jackson’s plant and carried it for him outside the store. Youngjae planned on going back to the dorm and catching up on the MMO he had recently gotten into. Jackson seemed to have other plans. He held onto Youngjae’s elbow, walking him to the street as he waved down a taxi.

“Let’s have lunch together,” Jackson said. “I’m getting hungry.”

“We have food at the dorm.”

“I’ll pay. You paid for the plant, so I’ll pay for lunch.”

“I paid for the plant because my dog killed your other plant,” Youngjae said.

“Just have lunch with me,” Jackson said as a taxi stopped in front of them. He opened the door, gesturing for Youngjae to get in first. “Please.”

One day he was going to be able to turn Jackson down with ease. He wouldn’t even have to think about saying “no.” It would be second nature to him. For now, he had to accept that he was too easy when it came to Jackson.

They didn’t drive for long, arriving at a small restaurant that Youngjae instantly recognized. It was a kimbap place they went to as trainees all the time. Jackson was trying to be sweet to him for some reason.

“Hyung, why are we here?” Youngjae asked as Jackson paid the driver.

“I’m feeling nostalgic,” he said.

There were only two other customers in the shop and they didn’t recognize Jackson and Youngjae. They sat down at the same table the seven of them sat at whenever they stopped by during their trainee days. The woman who owned the restaurant instantly recognized them, giving them both big hugs before going back to the kitchen to get their food. They hadn’t even placed their orders yet, but she seemed to know exactly what they wanted anyway.

“This is nice,” Jackson said. “I always liked this place.”

“It hasn’t changed,” Youngjae said.

He took his phone out of his pocket, using it as a distraction so he didn’t have to talk to Jackson. Matthew had texted him a few times while they were at the plant nursery. Youngjae had recommended a video game to him a month ago and now he was texting his complete review to him, telling him how much he didn’t like. He smiled and started to reply.

“What are you smiling at?” Jackson asked.

“I’m just texting a friend,” Youngjae said.

“Do I know them?”

“Yeah, it’s Matthew,” he said. “One of our dancers from the tour.”

“Oh.” Jackson never forgot a name and always made it a point to know everyone he was working with, so Youngjae knew he knew who Matthew was. He wondered if Jackson remembered him as the dancer who always flirted with Youngjae. “He’s Korean, right? He’s from here. Why does he insist on going by Matthew?”

“You’re Chinese and insist on going by Jackson.”

“Okay, that’s fair.”

Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh at Jackson admitting defeat so easily. Their food arrived and they spent a long time talking to the owner, catching up with her and telling her about their world tour and latest comeback. She got a little misty-eyed after hearing Jackson list their achievements, and Youngjae felt a tug on his heart, seeing someone who knew them before they even debuted be so proud of them. She left so they could finish their lunch alone and the warm atmosphere around them instantly disappeared.

“So,” Jackson said. “Are you seeing anyone?”

The question felt like a trap. No matter what Youngjae said to that question, he knew it wouldn’t have a positive outcome.

“I don’t think we should be talking about that, hyung,” Youngjae said. “I just want to finish my lunch and go home.”

“You’re definitely seeing someone,” Jackson said. “Is it Matthew?”

“I’m not seeing anyone, hyung,” Youngjae said. “Where would I even get the time?”

“I was just curious.”

“And then you jumped to a conclusion.”

“Why do we have to be like this?” Jackson asked. “I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss hanging out with you. You’ve been avoiding me for so long now I don’t even remember what it’s like to have a real conversation with you.”

He remembered exactly what it was like to have a real conversation with Jackson. Youngjae remembered lying in bed with him, after sex, and talking about his hopes and dreams and worries. He would listen while Jackson talked and talked, letting him know exactly what he was thinking. Missing him was an understatement. Youngjae ached for Jackson, he yearned for him. And it was the worst feeling in the world.

“I’m done eating,” Youngjae said. There was still food left on his plate. “Thanks for lunch. I hope you like your plant. I’ll make sure Coco stays away from it.”

Jackson reached across the table, grabbing Youngjae’s wrist before he could stand up. The touch felt like it was burning his skin.

“Stay,” he said. “Talk to me.”

“I can’t do this here, hyung.”

“Then wait for me to finish eating and then we’ll talk at the dorm,” Jackson said. “I’ve been going crazy. I need to talk to you. Please, Jae.”

Youngjae took a shaky breath before nodding. He truly was too easy when it came to Jackson. Just one pleading glance from those puppy dog eyes was enough for him to fold and do anything Jackson wanted.

While Youngjae waited for him to finish his meal, during the ride back to their dorm, as they walked up the steps leading to their apartment, Youngjae thought of all the possible things Jackson wanted to talk with him about. Maybe he wanted to convince Youngjae that everything that happened between them was just a figment of his imagination. Or he regretted what they did together and was so ashamed that he wanted Youngjae to never look at him again. Or he accepted who he was and he realized how much he had hurt Youngjae and he never wanted to be apart from him again.

That last option felt the most farfetched to him.

When they stepped into their dorm and slipped off their shoes, they were greeted by Coco and no one else. She ran toward Youngjae, barking happily in greeting. Mark and Jaebeom were most likely still on their date that Yugyeom was tagging along on. He didn’t know where Jinyoung and Bambam could be though if they weren’t home.

“Jinyoung is hanging out with Wonpil,” Jackson said, looking at his phone. “Bam is with Chan, apparently. They probably won’t be back any time soon.”

“Probably not,” Youngjae agreed. He sat down on their couch, holding Coco in his arms. “Go ahead. What do you need to say?”

“Okay,” Jackson said, pacing back and forth in the small space. “I rehearsed this. I’ve got this.”

“I wish I could encourage you, but I have no idea what you’re talking about, hyung.”

“Just…Just listen to what I have to say and don’t interrupt until I’m done, okay?” Jackson said. “Can you do that?”

“I guess so,” Youngjae said with a shrug. “Yes. I can.”

“Good,” Jackson said. “So, first of all, I’m sorry. I’ve been talking to Mark and Jinyoung about what we used to do together and they had some very…eye-opening things to say. Whenever we were together, all I did was hurt you. Not physically, of course, but your feelings - I hurt your feelings.” He paused to take a breath to steady himself. “I’m a dick. I never wanted to hurt you and it kills me that I did. I was just confused and I didn’t know what I was doing and you were so nice to me and so willing and I…I wanted you. Youngjae, I _wanted_ you. I really, really did. And I still do.”

Jackson sat next to him on the couch, so close that it made Youngjae wonder if he could hear how loud his heart was beating. He didn’t know where Jackson was going with this speech, but he didn’t hate the direction it was taking so far.

“What I’m trying to say is,” Jackson said, “is that I have feelings for you and I think you’re beautiful, but the only way I can be with you is if we hide it from everyone and you deserve so much more than that.”

And suddenly Youngjae completely hated the direction Jackson had taken with his confession.

“Hyung, what do–”

“Let me finish, please,” Jackson said. “All of it meant something to me, okay? It meant a lot to me. Going forward, all I want is for you to be happy and you can’t be happy if you’re with me.” His eyes were starting to water and Youngjae wanted to wipe away his tears more than anything, but he didn’t. “I can’t be anything but straight. If I’m not straight, then my career is over. I have to be straight. It’s my only option. I’m not lucky like you.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means that you’re bi,” Jackson said. “You like women. You can fall in love with a beautiful girl and get married and have kids and no one will care. I can’t have that, so…that’s it. Yeah, that’s, uh, all I needed to say.”

Youngjae had never regretted agreeing to a conversation more in his life. He felt empty and heartbroken and he just wanted to turn back time, back to before he even met Jackson so that he could warn himself. Loving Jackson was the hardest thing he had ever done and he didn’t understand how people in films and dramas thought that this was worth it. Nothing was worth this pain. The happiness he felt when he was with Jackson didn’t in any way outweigh or even out the pain.

“I love you,” Youngjae said.

He always told himself he would never tell Jackson that. Youngjae wanted to take that secret to his grave if Jackson never said it to him first. The only reason he was saying it now was to hurt him. All Youngjae wanted was to hurt Jackson like he hurt him.

Out of all the possible reactions he had planned in his head, the last one he expected was for Jackson to kiss him. Even less unlikely was for Youngjae to kiss him back, despite everything.

Coco jumped down to the floor, leaving Jackson plenty of room to lay Youngjae down on the couch so that he could be on top of him. Youngjae wrapped his arms around Jackson’s back, holding him close and taking in what was probably the last time he would ever touch him.

“You can’t say that and expect me not to touch you,” Jackson said, kissing down his neck. “Just one more time. One more time, baby.”

If Youngjae were a stronger person, he would tell Jackson no. He would push him away and insist that everything between them was over. He would say that their relationship was purely professional from now on. He wasn’t that person though. Youngjae would never be that person when it came to Jackson.

He let Jackson take his shirt off and unfasten his jeans, slipping a hand into his underwear. The angle was cramped and awkward and Youngjae wasn’t hard at all, but Jackson made it work. He could make Youngjae’s body come alive like no one else could. Jackson knew it better than anyone else too.

They didn’t say anything to each other as they kissed and Jackson got him hard. As they touched, Youngjae could mute the voices in his head telling him what an absolutely terrible idea this was. He moaned into Jackson’s mouth, bucking his hips up as he rubbed his thumb against the head of Youngjae’s cock. Jackson parted from his lips, kissing down his chest until he did something he had never done before.

Youngjae slapped his hand over his mouth, muffling his moan as Jackson wrapped his lips around his cock. This was something Jackson had always been opposed to. He used to say he was uninterested and that it felt like “taking things too far” to him. Apparently that wasn’t the case now, for their last time together.

Jackson wasn’t perfect at it. He was tentative at first, only taking in a short part of Youngjae’s length. Despite the tentative nature of Jackson’s approach, it still brought him so much pleasure and sensation. It could be just because he hadn’t been touched since their last time together or it could be Jackson himself. Youngjae rested his hand on the back of his neck, grazing his fingers over Jackson’s short hair.

He breathed through his nose, not trusting himself to take his hand away from his mouth and let out all of the noises he wanted. Youngjae was loud when it came to sex and Jackson’s mouth barely touching him was enough for him to come completely undone. He dared a look down at Jackson, feeling his heart stop when they made eye contact. Youngjae squeezed his eyes shut and felt him move away.

“Don’t hide from me,” Jackson said. His voice sounded even deeper than usual. “Make whatever sounds you want. Look at me if you want. Just let us have this, okay?”

It was the perfect opportunity for Youngjae to do what was right and end it all. They didn’t have to go further than this. But of course Youngjae was too selfish to do that.

Jackson took him into his mouth again, this time not hesitating. It was sloppy and unskilled and amateurish, but Youngjae loved every second of it. Having Jackson between his thighs, sucking his cock, and doing everything to bring Youngjae pleasure was like a dream.

He warned Jackson that he was getting close and he pulled off, using his hand to make Youngjae come. Youngjae could see how hard he was in his own pants and once he caught his breath, he reached for him. Jackson circled his wrist with his hand, shaking his head.

“Don’t,” he said. “I just wanted to do that for you. That’s it.” He stood up, looking around the room and avoiding making eye contact. All Youngjae could focus on was the bulge in Jackson’s pants and his come on his hand. “I’m sorry. Really, I’m…fuck, I’m so sorry.”

Youngjae watched as Jackson left the room, hearing the click of a bedroom door shutting not long after. He felt numb as he put his shirt back on and fastened his jeans. Youngjae went to his own room where Coco was curled up in her dog bed, fast asleep. Once again he was envious of the simple life she led. He sat on his bed, opened his laptop, and loaded the game he started playing recently.

When Mark, Jaebeom, and Yugyeom came back to the dorm, Mark poked his head into the room.

“We’re back,” he said. “Have you had dinner yet? We’ve got a lot of leftovers.”

“I’ll eat in a little bit,” Youngjae said.

“How was spending time with Jackson?”

“It was okay.”

“What’d you two do?”

“I bought him a plant, he paid for my lunch.”

“And that’s it?” Mark said. “You didn’t go anywhere else?”

“No, we came right back home,” Youngjae said.

He knew that Jackson was going to tell Mark everything that happened between them, so he didn’t feel the need to elaborate. That was the excuse he told himself anyway. The real reason was because he didn’t think he would be able to handle explaining to Mark that the man he loved wasn’t straight and that he did have feelings for him, but they couldn’t be together. There was no way he could get even two words into that explanation without falling apart.


	14. Chapter 14

“Jinyoung is being unbearable,” Jaebeom said. “I thought the way I talked about Mark was annoying, but he’s really taking it to a new level.”

“I assure you, Bambam has been even worse,” Youngjae said, sitting down on his bed in his childhood room. “They’ve only been together for two months though. Hopefully the honeymoon phase will pass by quickly.”

In early November, Jinyoung and Bambam had finally worked things out between them. They both had feelings for each other and after months of miscommunicating and avoiding the topic at hand, they went on a walk together one night and came back holding hands. It was January now and the lovesick way they looked at one another had yet to fade away. Youngjae was happy for them, especially Bambam.

He was back home in Mokpo for three days for the New Year holiday. Spending time at home with his family was something he hadn’t done in a long time. He was working constantly and when he got the time to take a break, his family was much more likely to visit him in Seoul.

“I’ve been thinking about moving out of the dorm,” Jaebeom said. “I want to get a place with Mark, just the two of us.”

“Wow,” Youngjae said. “How adult-like of you.”

“Do you think it’s a bad idea?”

“No, not at all,” Youngjae said. “I think it’s a great idea.”

“Yeah, me too,” Jaebeom said. “I haven’t told Mark yet, but I think he wants the same thing. We’re getting serious and I can’t see myself ever being with anyone else. He’s just…so perfect and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Is that weird?”

“I would say I’m surprised, but I’m really not,” Youngjae said. “You two are great together. I’m sure Mark-hyung feels the same way.”

Being so close with Jaebeom meant that Youngjae had a front row seat to all of his insecurities. His biggest insecurity seemed to stem from his relationship with Mark. Everyone in their group knew that the two were equally crazy for each other. Mark always seemed so secure and sure of himself when it came to their relationship, but Jaebeom was the exact opposite. He constantly worried. Youngjae lost track of how many times Jaebeom had talked to him about wondering if he was enough for Mark.

Yugyeom being so eager for Mark’s love and attention didn’t help any either. Lately, he had backed off. He started casually dating other people, but Youngjae could tell that Yugyeom’s feelings for Mark hadn’t gone away. And it wasn’t like Mark had ever done anything to put an end to those feelings. It was complicated and messy and Youngjae had enough issues in his own personal life, so he did his best to stay out of theirs. But then Jaebeom would drag him back into the mess.

“I’m going to talk to him about it soon,” Jaebeom said. “We can go looking at places together once we’re back from our fan meet tour.”

“Sounds like a good plan,” Youngjae said. “I’m sure he’ll let you adopt as many cats as you want, since you won’t have to deal with my allergies anymore.”

“That sounds like a dream.”

Youngjae laughed at Jaebeom’s blissful tone. He was worried what would happen with Coco when Mark moved out. They had adopted her together and he didn’t want to let her go, but he also didn’t want to keep her away from Mark. He was sure they could figure some sort of agreement out together.

“What’s it like being back home?” Jaebeom asked. “How’s Mokpo?”

“Mokpo is Mokpo,” Youngjae said. “It’s a little weird being back, but I kind of missed this place. Some of my high school classmates invited me out for drinks tonight.”

“Are you going?”

“I haven’t decided yet,” Youngjae said. “The guy who outed me right before I left for Seoul is going to be there. As well as all the people he outed me too. I don’t even know why they invited me.”

“To make amends?” Jaebeom said. “They’re all incredibly progressive now and want to be your best friend? Or they just want to ask if you can get them Twice’s autographs.”

“That last option seems the most likely,” Youngjae said. “They are a bunch of guys. Do you think I should go?”

“If you’re comfortable going,” Jaebeom said.

That was the thing; Youngjae didn’t know what he was comfortable with when it came to his old friends. After his parents caught him with Kyungmo, out of some form of self-preservation Kyungmo had told their class that he was gay (and he didn’t have the energy to correct them by saying he was bisexual, not gay). No one had been violent or rude to him, but his fellow classmates all avoided him and talked about him behind his back. Youngjae had no idea how joining a group of them for drinks, four years later, would work out.

“I guess I could stop by,” Youngjae said. “If things are awkward, I can always leave.”

“Tell me how it goes,” Jaebeom said.

“See you in a few days, hyung,” Youngjae said.

“Yeah, I’ll see you.” He was about to end the call when he heard Jaebeom speak up again. “Actually, can I just, uh, talk to you about something? Or just ask you a quick question?”

“Sure,” he said. “What’s up?”

“So, this is going to sound really random and maybe even a little paranoid,” Jaebeom said, “but I need to confirm something from an outsider’s point of view.” He took a deep breath. “I know Yugyeom is in love with Mark and I was never worried about his feelings, but lately…Do you think Mark likes him back? They’ve always been so close, like brothers, and I’ve never had a problem with that, but Gyeom is older now and he’s a good-looking guy and–”

“Hyung, no.”

“No?”

“No, I don’t think Mark-hyung has romantic feelings for Yugyeom,” Youngjae said. “He loves you too much. I’ve never seen him look at Yugyeom like he looks at you. You don’t have anything to worry about.”

There was silence from the other line. Just from Jaebeom’s lack of response, Youngjae could tell that he didn’t believe him. He was an expert at reading Jaebeom now. This was something that had been weighing on him for a long time.

“You’re right,” Jaebeom said. “I’m overthinking it. Have fun tonight. I’ll see you soon.”

Before Youngjae could offer to stay on the line and talk to him for longer, Jaebeom ended the call. That was complete confirmation to him that Yugyeom’s friendship with Mark was really bothering him. Youngjae made a mental note to bring it up with Jaebeom when he saw him again in person. He wouldn’t be able to end the conversation so easily then.

Youngjae stared at the ceiling for a while, taking in the familiar sounds of his home. His parents were watching a comedy show in the living room. His brother was talking to his girlfriend on the phone. He had brought Coco with him and he could hear her paws pitter-pattering across the wood floors. Altogether, it was a soundtrack of nostalgia and comfort and he didn’t want to leave.

He had already made up his mind to at least try and be social with his former schoolmates though. If it ended up being awkward or uncomfortable, he had no issues with leaving early. Youngjae changed out of the comfy travel clothes he had been wearing and into something slightly more presentable. He went into the living room, leaning over the back of the couch his parents were sitting on.

“I’m doing to meet up with some old friends,” he said. “I don’t know when I’ll be back.”

“Which old friends?” his mother asked.

“From high school,” Youngjae said. “I don’t know all the names of the people who are going to be there, but I think it’s a small group.”

“Don’t stay out too long,” she said. “You look so tired. I want you to rest.”

“I’ll sleep in late tomorrow,” he said, kissing her cheek. “Bye, Eomma. Bye, Appa.”

Before he left, he scratched Coco behind her ears, telling her that she should be on her best behavior for her grandparents while he was gone. Youngjae walked outside, pulling his coat around himself tightly. The bar they were meeting at was one he had passed by on the way to school every morning, but had been too young to ever go inside.

Mokpo was so small compared to Seoul. The neighborhood he grew up in was even smaller. Everyone knew each other. He didn’t know what would greet him when he walked into the bar, but a group of guys eagerly waving to him was certainly unexpected.

“Choi Youngjae from the big city!” one of them shouted. “We didn’t think you were going to show up.”

“I’m just stopping by,” he said.

They pulled an empty chair up to their table, patting the seat until he took his coat off and sat down. A soju glass was put in front of him and quickly filled and he downed it right as someone poured him a glass of beer. There were plates filled of fried food and dried fish on the table. Everyone had a healthy flush to their skin. Everyone except for one person.

At the opposite end of the table was Kyungmo. He looked sober, in a way that seemed almost painful for him. His face was blank as he stared at Youngjae.

“I can’t believe you have time off,” someone, whose name Youngjae couldn’t remember, said. He was almost positive his family name was Park. “I thought idols didn’t have time to themselves.”

“Yeah, do you even have time to date?”

“You mean, does he have time to fuck?”

They all started to laugh loudly, finding that statement hilarious.

“Have you met anyone?” Park asked. “There’s got to be a ton of gay guys in Seoul.”

So they remembered. Youngjae hadn’t been sure since they greeted him so warmly. He looked at everyone at the table, taking note of who turned their heads away as soon as the word “gay” was brought into the conversation. They didn’t look angry or disgusted, just uncomfortable. He supposed that was an improvement.

“I’ve met a few guys,” Youngjae said. “And girls, too. Nothing serious though. I really don’t have the time for anything like that.”

“Girls?” one of them said. “I thought you were gay.”

“Of course he’s gay. He just said he’s met some guys.”

“He also said he’s met girls.”

“I’m bisexual,” Youngjae said.

He didn’t know why, but coming out to them felt as easy as breathing. When he was back in school, coming out to this particular group of people felt like it would be a nightmare. Now, he wasn’t afraid at all. It didn’t matter to him if his connection to them was ruined. He was an adult now and he had made friendships that were much more important to him than his relationship with anyone in this bar.

“I didn’t know that,” Park said. “Kyungmo always told us you were gay.” He drank a shot of soju and then stuffed his mouth with a handful of nuts right after. “You don’t have to worry. None of us are going to tell anyone.”

“I didn’t think you would,” Youngjae said.

The conversation took a sharp turn after that and he was grateful for it. They asked him questions about living in Seoul and he asked them about their jobs or the universities they were attending or how serving in the military went. Eventually the conversation wasn’t focused on him at all anymore. One of the guys had gotten his girlfriend pregnant and he started crying, prompting everyone to comfort him. It was strangely heartwarming, seeing a group of drunk guys in their early 20s console their crying friend.

Despite the loud talking and the hectic energy, Youngjae couldn’t help but feel watched the entire time. He knew that as soon as he left, Kyungmo would follow him out. Youngjae was ready to get it over with. He wanted to listen to whatever shitty apology or explanation he had planned before they could put an end to things. When Youngjae left for Seoul, he never got any closure from Kyungmo and he wanted to get that over with before he left Mokpo again.

“I’m going to head back home,” Youngjae said. “I’ve had a long day. It was nice catching up with all of you.”

He was met with a drunken chorus of pleads for him not to go. Youngjae didn’t want to stay for any longer though. He actually was tired and he had gotten what he wanted out of the experience. For years he thought everyone from his high school was disgusted with him, so it was nice to know that a group of people still had a sort of fondness for him.

“Before you go,” one of them said, his voice slurring, “I need you to tell me something.”

“What’s that?”

“Is Nayeon perfect in real life too?”

Youngjae laughed as the rest of the group groaned in embarrassment at the question. After assuring him that all members of Twice were very nice and good people and, no, he had never dated any of them secretly, he left. Warmth from the alcohol was settling in his stomach, contrasting almost pleasantly with the freezing cold air. He was only a few steps out the door before he heard someone else leave the bar. Youngjae didn’t even need to turn around to know who it was.

“I’ll walk you back,” Kyungmo said.

“Okay.”

They walked in silence, passing the small businesses and small houses that made up this small town. Kyungmo’s presence wasn’t exactly welcome, but he didn’t feel burdened by it either.

“I’m sorry,” he said as they walked across a railroad track. “Telling people at school that you were gay was wrong. I’ve been…I’ve regretted it all these years. I think about you all the time and I’m so sorry I hurt you like that. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but–”

“You think about me?”

“Yeah, at least once a day,” Kyungmo said. “More if I see you on TV.”

“That’s funny,” Youngjae said. “I don’t think about you at all.”

It wasn’t exactly true. After moving to Seoul he thought about Kyungmo often. When he was hooking up with Jackson, he thought about how Kyungmo had wanted to keep him a shameful secret as well. Still, letting Kyungmo think that the thought of him never crossed Youngjae’s mind was more appealing to him.

“I didn’t think you would,” he said. “You’re off living this big life, doing all these cool things. I’m sure you’ve met a lot of guys way hotter and more interesting than me. A lot of people in general, not just guys.”

“What do you want, Kyungmo?” Youngjae asked. “You said you don’t expect me to forgive you, so why are you trying to make me like you again?”

Youngjae stopped, looking at him fully for the first time since walking into the bar earlier that night. He wasn’t as handsome as Youngjae remembered. Kyungmo was painfully average in every way. Nothing about him stood out, he looked like someone who would easily be lost in a crowd. Youngjae couldn’t understand how Kyungmo ever got his heart to race so quickly just from a single look across a classroom.

He was being unfair. Of course Kyungmo would look average when his mind was trying to compare him to Jackson.

“I just want you to be happy,” he said. “I’m happy that you’re making music and singing and that you’ve made friends and a life for yourself in Seoul, but I also want…I want you to find someone who makes you happy. Like I have.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said, not expecting something so genuine. “You have a girlfriend?”

“Boyfriend, actually,” Kyungmo said, rubbing the back of his neck. “I feel terrible for how I treated you in high school, I really do. I told him about what I did and he’s been really insistent that I make things right with you. So, I’m sorry, and if you ever need anything from me, just let me know.”

Somehow his neutral feelings toward Kyungmo were replaced with anger and envy and how this wasn’t fair. How dare the person who broke his heart and outed him to their entire class be able to live a happy life. How dare he be able to casually mention he had a boyfriend when Youngjae couldn’t look at the love of his life without feeling pain.

“Good for you, Kyungmo,” Youngjae said.

Because even though he was upset and painfully jealous, he still always tried his best to be a good person.

As they walked to Youngjae’s house, Kyungmo did most of the talking. He talked about how he met his boyfriend in the military, how he was going to school and enjoying his studies, how they recently moved in together and were thinking about adopting a pet. Outwardly, Youngjae was happy for him, but on the inside he felt like he was falling apart.

Coco greeted him at the door when he entered his family home. The house was quiet, so he assumed his parents had already gone to bed. Youngjae scooped Coco up into his arms, walking through the house quietly so he didn’t wake anyone up. It wasn’t necessary in front of his brother’s room though, since his light was still on. He opened the door slightly, seeing Woojeong on his bed, typing away on his laptop.

“Hey, did you just get back home?” he said. “How’d it go?”

“It was strange, but nice,” Youngjae said. “Hyung, can I ask you something?”

“Sure.”

“A few weeks ago, we talked about you moving to Seoul,” he said. “Would you want to get an apartment together?”

“Really?” Woojeong said. “I thought you had to live in the dorm with the other guys.”

“I don’t have to,” Youngjae said. “Some of the others have mentioned getting their own places lately. I think I’d like to do that too.”

“Well, okay then,” he said. “That works for me.”

Youngjae smiled, wishing his brother goodnight before heading to his own room. Moving out was something he needed to do. If he wanted to move on from Jackson, he couldn’t live in the same space as him anymore. And he needed to move on, even if just the thought of it made him feel like dying inside.


	15. Chapter 15

“Thanks for helping out, Gyeom,” Youngjae said.

“No problem,” Yugyeom said, setting down a box in Youngjae’s new bedroom. “This apartment is really nice. I’m happy you found one so close to the dorm, too.”

“Yeah, well, I wanted a change, but not too much of a change,” Youngjae said, sitting on the edge of his mattress. There weren’t any sheets on it, but other than that his bed was already set up. “Are you thinking of moving out, too?”

“No, not yet,” Yugyeom said. “I can’t live alone. I get too scared. I’d have to find a roommate.” He sat down next to Youngjae. “Bambam and Jinyoung are together now, so I could never room with either of them. Jackson-hyung is always going back and forth between here and China, so he wouldn’t be home often enough to keep me company. And Mark and Jaebeom are, uh, you know. That’d be impossible for me.”

Youngjae worried about Yugyeom more than he would like to admit. His crush on Mark had only intensified over the years, but unlike Bambam’s crush on Jinyoung, it didn’t seem to be flourishing into anything new. Jaebeom was becoming paranoid about Yugyeom’s feelings. Mark hadn’t done anything to completely reject Yugyeom. It was a mess. Somehow even a bigger mess than Youngjae’s relationship with Jackson.

“Well, thanks for finding the time to help me move,” Youngjae said. “I know we’re in the middle of preparing for our comeback, so we’re all really busy.”

“I can always make time for you, hyung,” Yugyeom said. “All you have to do is ask.”

His relationship with Yugyeom was one of the easiest ones in the group. Maybe that was because Yugyeom himself was so light-hearted and easygoing. Youngjae didn’t think it was possible for him to bring any stress into his life. He didn’t have to overthink anything when they were together. They could just hang out and enjoy each other’s company.

“So, what have you been up to lately, outside of work?” Youngjae asked. He opened up a box that he had labeled “sheets.”

“Nothing too exciting,” Yugyeom said. “I went on another date.”

“The girl from the coffee shop?”

“No, that was a onetime thing,” he said. “I haven’t seen her in months. This was a different girl from a different coffee shop.”

Youngjae found the fitted sheet in the box and nudged Yugyeom so that he would get off the bed and help him.

“And how did your date go?” Youngjae asked.

“It was okay,” he said with a shrug. “She was nice, but she knew who I was, so that was kind of awkward. I don’t think I’m going to see her again.”

“Have you seen any of these girls you’ve been on dates with more than once?” Youngjae asked.

“No,” Yugyeom said. “I haven’t wanted to. And I’m too busy to start anything serious with anyone.”

“That’s fair.”

The only way Mark and Jaebeom, and Jinyoung and Bambam were able to make things work was because they were all in the same group. Not only did they live together, but they saw each other all the time. It made things easier. Youngjae knew that from experience. Even though his experience was unlike theirs in the sense that his had never truly made its way into something romantic. What he had with Jackson was more sexual than it was anything else.

After a few failed attempts at wrapping the fitted sheet around the corners of the mattress, they finally managed to make it stay in place. Youngjae grabbed the other sheet from the box and contemplated whether or not he would actually use it.

“What about you?” Yugyeom asked. “Have you gone on a date lately?”

“I can’t remember the last time I went on a date,” Youngjae said. “I don’t really want to see anyone.”

“I don’t either,” he said. “But I feel like I have to, you know?”

He did know. Youngjae knew exactly what Yugyeom was going through. He couldn’t be with Jackson, Yugyeom couldn’t be with Mark. They should find other people and move on. Neither of them seemed to be good at it though.

Youngjae didn’t respond to him, choosing to continue on with making his bed. He put his pillows in pillowcases and layered the bed with a quilt and a comforter in case he got cold. March was when spring began, but the temperature outside was still low. He fell back onto his neatly made bed, wrinkling and creasing all of their hard work. It didn’t matter. This was probably the first and last time he would actually make his bed in the new apartment.

“Have you considered going out with a guy?” Youngjae asked.

“Yeah,” Yugyeom said. He lied down next to him, both of them staring up at the ceiling. “I don’t know if I’ll actually do it though. Mark-hyung is an omega. I’m still not sure I’m interested in other male omegas, let alone betas and alphas.”

“You don’t need to be in any rush to figure that out,” Youngjae said.

“I know,” Yugyeom said. “My only experience with other guys is with Bambam. All we did was kiss and I didn’t particularly like it.”

“That might have less to do with him being a guy, and more to do with him being Bambam.”

That was still a memory that Youngjae liked to look back on whenever he needed a laugh. It was the year of their debut and they were in Japan on their first ever concert tour. He had gone into their room to borrow some toothpaste and their faces had been bright red. It didn’t take long for Yugyeom to tell him that they were getting their first kisses over with.

“Maybe one day I’ll work up the courage to take a guy out on a date,” Yugyeom said.

“Tell me about it, if you end up doing it.”

“I will, hyung.”

Silence stretched out between them and Youngjae found himself relaxing in it. Mark was the only other member who he could enjoy a silence with like this. It was nice to take a moment and just let the world around them be still. Youngjae used to hate silences. He always wanted to fill them with talking and laughter, but now he could understand how much he needed them. His life was so hectic and loud that he needed to take the time for a break.

“Well, until you make that decision, I don’t mind helping you gain some experience, if you want,” Youngjae said.

He instantly regretted saying it, but he didn’t take it back either. Youngjae let the offer hang in the air between them, leaving it up to Yugyeom whether or not he wanted to talk about it seriously. He was more than ready to laugh it off and act like it was a joke.

“Don’t say that,” Yugyeom said, taking Youngjae’s hand and squeezing it. “You shouldn’t talk about yourself like that. I would never want to use you like Jackson-hyung did.”

“I was just joking, Gyeomie.”

“No, you weren’t,” he said. “You have to know that you’re worth more than being someone’s experiment.”

“I know,” Youngjae said, sitting up on the bed. “I really was only joking. You don’t have to worry about me.”

Yugyeom sat up as well, draping himself over Youngjae’s back and resting his chin on his shoulder. They both knew Youngjae hadn’t been joking, but they didn’t say anything else about it. He thought over what Yugyeom said about him, how he wasn’t just someone’s experiment. Youngjae knew that he wasn’t. Jackson had told him that he wasn’t. That was what made this situation so difficult for him. If Jackson really was a straight guy who had no feelings for him, he would have been able to move on. But Jackson had all but explicitly told him that he was gay and in love with him, so moving on was impossible. At least that was what it felt like.

“Let’s unpack some more boxes,” Yugyeom said. “All we’ve done is make your bed. That’s not very productive.”

“And you want to be productive?”

“I think we both need to be productive,” he said. “It’ll help take our minds off of, well, everything.”

Youngjae couldn’t agree more. They were the only two people in the apartment. His brother was arriving from Mokpo tomorrow, so he would be spending his first night in the apartment alone. Coco was still at the dorm since they didn’t want to move her in until after they had completely unpacked. Youngjae thought about asking Yugyeom to stay the night to keep him company, but after basically propositioning him, he didn’t think it would be appropriate anymore.

He didn’t have that much stuff. All of his belongings were mostly clothes and memorabilia objects that he couldn’t part with. He was planning on going shopping with his brother tomorrow to stock their kitchen and buy a TV. The longer he looked at the empty living room, the more he wanted a rug for some reason. His mother would be proud of them if they got curtains. Compared to his family’s home and the group’s dorm, the apartment he had moved into was empty, almost cold.

“I’m getting dinner with Bambam later,” Yugyeom said. “I’ve finally managed to convince him that it’s okay to eat without Jinyoung-hyung. Do you want to come?”

“My original plan was to order takeout and eat on the floor, so yeah, I’ll come with,” Youngjae said.

They unpacked the rest of the boxes and Youngjae swept the floor with a broom the last tenant had left behind just because he needed something else to do. The restaurant they were meeting Bambam at was close to his apartment, so they decided to walk instead of taking a cab. As they walked, Youngjae got a text from Jaebeom, asking how he was doing. The message was followed by a short video of Mark holding Coco, making her wave to the camera.

“What are you smiling at?” Yugyeom asked.

“My little princess,” Youngjae said.

He showed Yugyeom the video of Mark and Coco. It was a short clip, so it looped a few times before Yugyeom gave him his phone back. Youngjae expected him to coo over how adorable Coco was, like he always did when he saw her, but instead Yugyeom’s smile seemed forced.

“She’s so cute,” he said.

Youngjae glanced back at the video, this time taking his eyes off of Coco and focusing on Mark instead. His hair was messy and he was wearing one of Jaebeom’s shirts. To Youngjae, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary, but to Yugyeom it must have felt like a punch to the gut.

“We can talk about it,” Youngjae said. “If you want to talk to me about Mark, you can.”

“I know I can,” Yugyeom said. “You’ve always been so close with Jaebeom-hyung though.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” Youngjae asked. “Just because we’re close, doesn’t mean I’m going to tell him whatever you tell me. I can keep a secret.”

“I talk to Bam about it all the time,” he said. “Sometimes I talk to Jackson-hyung about it, too. He gives me advice.”

“And what kind of advice does he give you?”

“Do you really want to know?” Yugyeom asked, his tone suggesting that he already knew what Youngjae’s response would be.

“No,” Youngjae said. “I really don’t.”

They were the first ones at the restaurant. The booths were all sat up like cubbies for privacy, so they took a booth at the back, even more hidden from the rest of the restaurant. Yugyeom sent Bambam a text telling him they were there and less than five minutes later, he joined them.

“It’s been so long, hyung,” Bambam said, sliding into the booth next to him. “I almost forgot what you looked like.”

“We just saw each other yesterday,” Youngjae said.

“Just yesterday?” he said. “It feels like at least three weeks. Wait, Yugyeom, have you noticed that Youngjae-hyung also has a mole under one of his eyes?”

“Of course I already knew that, Bammie,” Yugyeom said.

“I know, but I haven’t seen him in so long that I forgot.”

The two burst out into laughter, acting like Bambam had told the joke of the decade. Youngjae sighed and placed his face in his hands.

“I don’t know why I agreed to this,” Youngjae said. “I should have known you two would only make fun of me.”

“It’s just because we miss you,” Bambam said. “The dorm is so much quieter without you.”

Youngjae leaned back in his seat, letting the other two go back and forth, making jokes about him moving out of the dorm. Whatever funk had settled over Yugyeom’s mood had completely gone away after Bambam appeared. Not for the first time, he found himself feeling jealous of the two of them. He was one of the younger members in their group as well, but he had never found a way to work himself into their friendship. Bambam and Yugyeom were always so in sync and Youngjae felt like he would never catch up to them.

“I should be the one talking about how I miss you,” Youngjae said once the jokes had died down. “Is this the first time you’ve been out without Jinyoung since you two started dating? Are you starting to have separation anxiety?”

“Very funny,” Bambam said. “I’m fine. Jinyoung is probably missing me right now though. He’s very dependent.”

They ordered their food and a round of drinks and Youngjae was reminded of his unofficial high school reunion two months ago. Being with a large group of his former classmates had been awkward at times and he hadn’t felt like he fit in at all. Having dinner with Bambam and Yugyeom was the exact opposite. He was comfortable, like he was almost at home.

“So, you have to tell me,” Yugyeom said, “is Jinyoung-hyung bad in bed?”

Youngjae started to laugh at the bluntness of his question, but he instantly stopped after looking at Bambam’s face. He had been assembling a lettuce wrap, but now he was frozen, the piece of beef in his chopsticks was hovering over the lettuce leaf in his palm.

“It’s that bad?” Yugyeom said, leaning forward. “Did I make you lose your appetite by bringing it up?”

“No,” Bambam said. He finished making his wrap and then stuffed the whole thing into his mouth.

Jinyoung and Bambam had been together for four months and Youngjae had no idea what their sex life was like. The last time he had asked about it had been months ago and Bambam told him they hadn’t done it yet. At first he interpreted Bambam’s silence like Yugyeom had, thinking that Jinyoung was bad at sex. Now, he was starting to think that Bambam had no idea what Jinyoung was like in bed.

“You still haven’t done it?” Youngjae asked.

“We’re both so busy,” Bambam said. “We live with five – well, four now – other guys.”

“Mark and Jaebeom always find a way,” Youngjae said. “And so did Jackson and I.”

Even when he was the one bringing Jackson into the conversation, he still felt a small sting just at the thought of him.

“Okay, fine,” Bambam said, breaking down easily. “I’m nervous. I’ve never done it before and he said he’s fine with waiting, so we’re waiting.”

Seeing Bambam act so shy felt almost unnatural. Youngjae half-expected him to start laughing, making fun of them for believing him so easily. That moment never came though.

“That’s great,” Yugyeom said. “You shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do.”

“I agree,” Youngjae said. “Taking your time isn’t a bad thing, Bam. You’ll be ready when you’re ready.”

“But what if I’m never ready?”

Bambam sunk down in the booth, dramatically folding his arms over his chest and sighing deeply. It was then that Youngjae knew that this was going to be a long night. He was relieved though. If Bambam wanted to have all the attention, then Youngjae would gladly let him have the spotlight. He was tired of talking about Jackson and he could sense that Yugyeom was tired of talking about Mark and Jaebeom. Helping soothe any worries Bambam had about sex seemed fun in comparison.

“Sex education for omegas in school is to not have sex until you’re mated,” Bambam said. “And I don’t want to mate with Jinyoung for at least ten years. Mating means getting pregnant and I’m not ready to have kids anytime soon.”

“Well, it’s good that you have that worked out,” Youngjae said.

“I can’t ask my mom about sex, that’s too weird,” he said. “My older brothers would tell me that I should die before having sex. Mark is bad at giving advice.”

“I think Mark-hyung is your best bet though,” Youngjae said. “I can give you some general advice, but I’m not an omega and I’ve never been with an alpha, so I don’t know how helpful I’ll be.”

That didn’t seem to be what Bambam wanted to hear. He rested his head on top of his folded arms on the table. Youngjae patted his back as he groaned loudly in frustration.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he said. “I want to have sex with Jinyoung. He’s the only person I’ve ever wanted to have sex with. But I freeze up whenever I think about it. I don’t know why I’m so scared. People have sex all the time. You two have had sex and you’re still here.”

“You’re right,” Yugyeom said. “Sex did not kill us. Great observation, Bammie.”

“Shut up,” Bambam said. “I know you’re making fun of me.” He sighed, looking at Youngjae with big, sad eyes. “I don’t want to die a virgin, hyung. There are so many things I want to do before I die. Like have sex.”

“How did you start thinking about dying?” Youngjae asked.

“I’m not sure,” he said. “It felt like the natural step to take. Sex, death, it’s all the same.”

Usually, Bambam wasn’t a lightweight when it came to alcohol. The stress of thinking about sex mixed with drinking must have taken a toll on him though. Youngjae told him, once again, that talking to Mark would most likely calm his nerves, before steering the conversation to something else. They talked about preparing for their comeback and Youngjae’s new apartment and the café Bambam was opening up with his family in Thailand. Eventually, Bambam was a lot less stressed out and much more like himself.

“This is weird,” Yugyeom said outside of the restaurant. “We’re not all going home together.”

“It was going to happen eventually,” Bambam said. “Someone had to move out first.”

“It still makes me a little sad though,” Yugyeom said. He hugged Youngjae, holding him close and taking his time before letting go. “I’ll see you later, hyung.”

“Bye, guys,” Youngjae said, waving before they headed in different directions.

Having dinner with them had been a nice reassurance. Sometimes he wondered if his friendship with all of them was only based on them living and spending so much time together. It was good to know that even if he moved out, and they were all starting to working on individual projects, they could still have dinner together and be just as close. Knowing he had friends that he could rely on for anything was one of the things he had wanted when he moved to Seoul, so he was happy to have gained them.


	16. Chapter 16

Youngjae tilted his head back, looking up at the ceiling and then instantly regretting it as he looked directly into one of the blinding fluorescent lights. He squeezed his eyes shut, watching specks of light dance across his eyelids. Finishing a long concert already exhausted him and now he was feeling a little lightheaded. He opened his eyes again, this time making sure he only focused on the people in the room, and not the ceiling.

Jinyoung and Bambam were sitting together in a corner. Bambam was halfway on Jinyoung’s lap, taking off his concert shoes and changing into boots that looked equally as uncomfortable. One of Jinyoung’s arms was wrapped around his waist, keeping him in place while he spoke softly to him. Youngjae still thought that the two of them made an odd couple, but the more he thought about it, the more their relationship made sense. They evened each other out nicely. Bambam helped Jinyoung to loosen up, Jinyoung mellowed Bambam out.

He looked to the other side of the room, where Jaebeom and Yugyeom were laughing together. When they weren’t trying to compete for Mark’s attention, or when Jaebeom didn’t feel threatened by Yugyeom, the two always easily got along. Even after a tiring show, they were still energetic when they talked with each other. Youngjae expected to look at Mark and see him watching the two of them fondly, but his attention was solely focused on Jackson.

It wasn’t a new sight to any of them, but it was one that always made them feel uneasy. Especially Youngjae. Jackson had been running on fumes for months now. His busy schedule was getting to him in ways that he was determined to deny. They were in Japan now, finishing a concert tour that had lasted for all of May. Next week they would be in Thailand, starting another short tour. It was tiring for all of them, but Jackson had it the worst since he was also working a full schedule of solo assignments in China as well.

He was lying on the couch with his arm across his eyes while Mark sat on the floor, talking to him. Youngjae’s heart felt like it was being squeezed tightly in his chest. He wanted to go over there and talk with them. He wanted to tell Jackson that he was doing a good job, but that overworking himself wasn’t going to end well. He wanted to tell him that he needed to stop stretching himself so thin. All he could do was hope that Mark was telling him those things and that Jackson would listen to him.

“That was a fun show today,” Matthew said, taking a seat next to Youngjae. “I can’t believe this tour is already over. It went by so quickly.”

“It was only nine shows,” Youngjae said. “And it’s been less than a month.”

“I know,” he said. “I was hoping it would feel like it lasted longer though. It’s like I’ve barely spent any time with you.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said. “Well, we can always hang out when we’re not touring.”

“I’d like that,” Matthew said. He stood up, squeezing Youngjae’s shoulder, the tips of his fingers grazing the skin just above his shirt’s collar. “We don’t have to wait though. The other dancers and I are getting drinks tonight. You want to come?”

Youngjae thought about Jackson. He thought about how he probably wouldn’t be able to walk to their car without leaning on Mark or Jinyoung to help keep him upright. Youngjae could help as well. Maybe when they got back to the hotel he could tell Jackson to take care of himself like he wanted to. It wasn’t his place to do that though. Not anymore. Jackson had the other members to watch over him and make sure he was all right. And Youngjae knew that he was the last person Jackson wanted to help him.

“That sounds fun,” Youngjae said. “Should I ask the others if they want to come too?”

“I don’t mind,” Matthew said. “Just as long as they don’t steal all of your attention away. I want some time with you for myself.”

“I see them all the time,” Youngjae said, feeling his cheeks fill with warmth. “I wouldn’t mind just talking with you.”

Matthew touched him once more before he left, this time placing a hand on the back of his neck and giving him a smile that could only be described as “flirtatious.” Youngjae didn’t know what he was doing. He could easily pick up on the signals that Matthew was giving him, but he didn’t know if he wanted to fully return them. Matthew was handsome and nice and he had managed to talk him through a panic attack. He was perfect, but Youngjae just couldn’t find the will to take that next step.

“What were you two talking about?” Jaebeom asked. He was already dressed and ready to go back to the hotel. “He seemed touchy.”

“Dancers are always touchy,” Youngjae said. “Yugyeom can never keep his hands to himself.”

“You haven’t answered my question.”

“He invited me out for drinks tonight with the other dancers,” Youngjae said. “Do you want to come?”

“I’ll pass,” Jaebeom said. “I want to go back to the hotel and have a quiet night with Mark.”

“You mean you want to have sex tonight.”

“Obviously.”

Youngjae went around the room and asked the others if they would want to go out with him that night. Yugyeom was only 19 and not old enough to drink in Japan, so he passed. Jinyoung was taking Bambam out to dinner. A dinner that Yugyeom was going to join, since he wouldn’t stop whining about not wanting to go back to the hotel and being in a room by himself. Mark was spending the night with Jaebeom and Jackson simply told him that he was going to sleep when they got back.

He wasn’t disappointed that none of them wanted to come along with him. Youngjae had spent the entire day with them, so not seeing them for the last few hours wasn’t going to upset him. What did upset him was how Jackson couldn’t even make eye contact with him as he turned down his invitation. It was small things like that that had a way of staying in his mind.

After they all collected their belongings, they left the concert hall. They separated into three groups then. The hotel group, the dinner group, and then Youngjae joined the dancers in the drinking group. Youngjae wasn’t that familiar with Japan, let alone Fukuoka, so he chose to follow the others without asking any questions.

The bar they chose was a rundown spot sandwiched between two bigger buildings. There were only a few tables inside and they instantly pushed two of them together so that they had enough room to sit. Matthew took a seat next to Youngjae. They were all sitting shoulder-to-shoulder on the bench, so Youngjae’s side was pressed against his. Matthew grinned at him before chiming in with his drink order as the one of the dancers who was fluent in Japanese ordered for all of them. None of them had showered after the show, so they were still sweaty and disheveled, but Youngjae found that he didn’t mind the warmth coming from Matthew or the scent coming from his worn-out t-shirt.

As the others talked loudly in a group, Matthew managed to keep Youngjae’s attention only for himself. Matthew’s hand was warm as it rested on his thigh. Sometimes his fingertips would press into the rip in his jeans, his nails just barely scraping against his skin.

“How did you start working at JYP?” Youngjae asked. He took a sip of sake, trying his best not to down it in a single shot like the others.

“We’ve known each other for a while and you’re just now asking me this?” he said. His smile was teasing and lovely and Youngjae liked how easy this was. “I’ve always loved dancing. Right after high school, I did my military service, and then went right back to dancing. I went to school for it, took a bunch of lessons, and then auditioned for every entertainment company I could. Dance troupes as well, but they’re more difficult to get into. JYP called me back, so I took the job.”

“But you’d rather be dancing in a troupe?” Youngjae said. “Like ballet?”

“Contemporary ballet, if we’re being specific,” Matthew said. “I’ve done ballroom as well. Jazz, hip-hop. A little bit of everything.”

“Wow,” Youngjae said, taking an edamame from a pile on a small plate in front of him. “I feel like I should apologize.”

“For what?”

“For you wasting your time with us,” Youngjae said. “You should be performing center stage, not as a backup dancer.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah, I do.”

“You’re sweet,” Matthew said.

This was so easy. Youngjae could do this all night. Talking with Matthew, with someone who didn’t care that he was openly flirting with him in front of a group of other men, felt amazing. He wasn’t self-conscious or trying to deny his feelings. Matthew liked him and he didn’t care if other people knew that. He wasn’t trying to hide Youngjae away.

“Do you want to go on a walk?” Youngjae asked. “It’s getting a little stuffy in here.”

“I was just about to ask you the same thing.”

As they left, a few of the guys whistled loudly and shouted some inappropriate things to them. They all knew exactly what was happening between the two of them, and they clearly didn’t care.

“Dancers,” Matthew said as they walked out onto the street. “We’re too open. There aren’t any secrets between us. I imagine you know what that’s like.”

“I do,” Youngjae said, thinking about his six other group members. “We tell each other everything. Well, almost everything. There are certain things about Mark and Jaebeom’s relationship that I really don’t want to know.”

Matthew laughed and then tapped his finger against his chin. “I actually wouldn’t mind knowing all of the secrets of their relationship. They’re both really hot.”

“I’ll leave that mystery for you to solve then,” Youngjae said.

It was a small confirmation of what he already knew. Matthew found Mark and Jaebeom attractive, Matthew liked men. Getting such an easy and straightforward admission wasn’t something he was used to.

“You’re gorgeous though,” Matthew said.

At that moment, Youngjae realized how much he needed this. He hadn’t been with anyone since Jackson. Youngjae didn’t think he was the type of person to crave this kind of attention. He lived with his brother, he had Coco, and he saw his group members almost every day. Youngjae wasn’t starved for attention and affection at all. The only thing he could focus on now though was how nice it was to be wanted.

“Whenever we get to a new hotel, Mark and Jaebeom always get a room together,” Youngjae said. “The rest of us play rock paper scissors to determine who gets the single room. I got it this time.”

“You did?” Matthew said. “Is this your way of telling me you want to take me back to your hotel room?”

“Only if that’s what you want too.”

“I think that’s exactly what I want.”

The bar that the group had decided on wasn’t too far from the hotel they were staying at. Neither one of them had too much to drink since they spent most of their time at the bar talking, so Youngjae was feeling clearheaded. This was what he wanted. He liked Matthew, he was attracted to him, and they saw each other often despite Youngjae’s hectic schedule. And Matthew was absolutely nothing like Jackson.

Youngjae was relieved that they didn’t run into anyone else as they reached the hallway where all of their rooms were. It was late, so they had all more than likely made their way back before Youngjae. He unlocked the door to his room and slid his keycard back into his pocket, feeling nervous and excited at once. Sex wasn’t something that scared him, but it had been a while, so he was a bit anxious.

“This is a nice room,” Matthew said after taking his shoes off at the door. “I’m rooming with three other guys and it’s the same size as this.”

“That sounds cramped,” Youngjae said. “I wasn’t a trainee for that long before I debuted, but a bunch of us slept in the same room at the old dorm. I hated it. I like having my own space.”

“Well, hopefully you won’t mind not having your own space tonight,” Matthew said.

He pressed himself up against Youngjae’s back, his hands holding on to his waist as he kissed his neck. Youngjae shuddered at the touch, his body shaking even more when Matthew pushed his hands under his shirt and spread his fingers over his stomach.

“What do you want to do?” Youngjae asked, tilting his head back on to Matthew’s shoulder so that he could have more room to kiss down his neck.

“You’re going to relax and let me take care of you,” he said. “You always look so stressed out whenever I see you.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Good,” Matthew said. “I want to ride you.” His words sent a tingle up Youngjae’s spine, making him moan softly. “You want that, too? When’s the last time someone did that for you?”

“It’s been a really long time,” Youngjae said.

If his memory was correct, the last time he was the one actually fucking someone was when he first moved to Seoul and hooked up with a girl he met at a clothing store. He didn’t have a preference when it came to having sex with women or men. It was all about the person and what he was feeling in the moment that really mattered. Jackson was the only man he had ever had anal sex with and he always bottomed, and while he did feel like that was what he preferred, he still wanted to top sometimes.

“Yeah?” Matthew said. “All the other guys you’ve been with too afraid to do that? They always think it makes them less of a man if they end up liking it.”

That was most likely the thought that went through Jackson’s head whenever the idea had been brought up between them. But that didn’t matter now. Youngjae didn’t want to think about Jackson when he was with someone else.

He turned around in Matthew’s arms and brought him into a kiss. His lips were soft against Youngjae’s and Matthew didn’t waste any time slipping his tongue into his mouth. He walked backward until Youngjae’s knees hit the edge of the bed. They fell back on the bed, laughing softly when they bounced slightly. This felt so good, just enjoying someone and their company and not caring about anything else.

Matthew kissed down his neck, sucking on the skin over his collarbone and making Youngjae’s hips press up against him. He reached down, cupping Youngjae through his jeans, then pushing down with his palm.

“I’m going to get you so hard for me,” Matthew said, applying even more pressure and grinning when Youngjae moaned. “Then I’m going to open myself up for you and fuck myself on your cock. Does that sound good to you?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. He already felt breathless and they hadn’t even really started. “Sounds amazing. You’re amazing.”

Youngjae was ready to finally leave his thoughts behind and focus on nothing but touch and sensation. This was exactly what he needed. The universe must have had a way of knowing when things were going his way though, because as soon as their lips met again, someone started knocking on the door.

“Fuck,” Youngjae said, squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s way too late for that to be housekeeping.”

“So it must be someone looking for you,” Matthew said. “Go answer it.”

“I’m sure they’ll go away if I don’t answer,” Youngjae said.

“Youngjae!” Mark yelled from the other side of the door. “Open up! I need to talk to you.”

“Mark-hyung has never been the type to give up easily though,” he said with a deep sigh. “I’ll see if I can get him to leave.”

“Good luck,” Matthew said.

He gave Youngjae a quick, reassuring kiss before he got off the bed. Youngjae looked at himself in the mirror on the wall. He ran his hand through his hair a few times and straightened his clothes. There was nothing he could do about his red cheeks or even redder lips.

“Hyung, what’s going on?” Youngjae asked after he opened the door.

“It’s Jackson,” Mark said. “He’s having a breakdown and you’re the only one who can help him.”

“Why do you think I’m the only one who can help?”

“Because you’re in love with each other and he listens to you,” Mark said. “Hurry up and…” He trailed off, his eyes finally taking in Youngjae’s appearance. “Oh, you have company.”

“He did have company,” Matthew said.

Youngjae had never regretted opening a door this much in his life. Matthew bent down, picking up his shoes. He still had a smile on his face, acting like this wasn’t a disappointment, but Youngjae could tell that it was for him.

“Go do what you need to do,” Matthew said, kissing his cheek. “We’ll talk later.”

He exited the room, leaving Youngjae alone with Mark whose eyes were wide in surprise.

“Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know.”

“How could you have known?” Youngjae said. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter right now. What’s wrong with Jackson-hyung?”

“It’s better if you see for yourself,” Mark said. Youngjae closed the door to his room and followed Mark across the hall. “He’s rooming with Jinyoung. I hadn’t heard anything from either of them all night until ten minutes ago Jinyoung came to my room. Jackson’s really got himself worked up and none of us can calm him down, so…so I thought you could help.”

“I’ll try,” Youngjae said.

Mark knocked on Jackson and Jinyoung’s hotel room door and it was instantly opened by a frazzled Jinyoung. When he made eye contact with Youngjae, his shoulders relaxed.

“Good, you’ve got him,” he said. “Youngjae, try and talk to him, please. I don’t know what else to say to him.”

“You got Youngjae?” Jackson said from inside the room. “Are you fucking kidding me? I’m completely fine. Nothing is wrong with me and you went and brought my…my… _my_ Youngjae? That’s really low.”

“Has he…been drinking?” Youngjae said, keeping his voice quiet.

“He’s totally sober,” Jinyoung said. “But he probably hasn’t had a real night’s sleep in weeks. It’s exhaustion and agitation and so many other things just piling on him. I’ve said everything I can think of to calm him down, but he won’t stop. Do you think you can–”

“I’ll try, hyung.”

Apparently agreeing to help calm down Jackson meant that he would be doing it alone. Mark and Jinyoung both stayed in the hall after closing the door behind Youngjae. He couldn’t exactly blame them either. Mark had been staying by Jackson’s side all day and Jinyoung had already made up in his mind that he wouldn’t be much help. Youngjae walked into the room to see Jackson on the bed with his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.

“Hyung?” Youngjae said. “What’s going on? Why are you upset?”

“Just go, Youngjae,” Jackson said. “Get some sleep. You don’t need to worry about me.”

“It’s too late for that,” he said. “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

He knelt down on the floor in front of the bed. Youngjae rested his arms on top of Jackson’s thighs and waited for him to speak up. He couldn’t see his face so he didn’t know if Jackson was crying, but his body was shaking almost violently, like he had no control over it.

“I need to apologize to Mark and Jinyoung,” Jackson said. “I got pissed at them for no reason.”

“You can do that tomorrow,” Youngjae said. “Tell me what’s going on.”

Jackson lifted his face from his hands so that he could finally look at him. He didn’t have tears in his eyes, but there were dark circles under them. His face looked clammy and pale.

“I’m just tired,” he said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s more than that,” Youngjae said. “It’s okay to come to us when you’re not feeling well. It’s also okay to turn down a few schedules because you haven’t been sleeping.”

“I can’t do that,” Jackson said. “I like working. Keeping busy is good for me.”

“What you’ve been doing hasn’t been ‘keeping busy,’” Youngjae said. “It’s self-destructive.”

That wasn’t what Jackson wanted to hear. He stood up from the bed and started to pace back and forth. Youngjae stood up as well, folding his arms across his chest because he wasn’t sure what else he should do.

“Our managers spoke to me before the concert today,” Jackson said. “They said it might be a good idea for me to stop promoting with all of you in Japan.”

“For future concerts or–”

“Concerts, music videos, albums, everything,” he said. “I’m going to tell them ‘no.’ They’re just afraid I’m going to collapse again, but I haven’t done that in months and–”

“You should do it.”

“What?”

“You should drop out of Japan promotions,” Youngjae said. “It’s a good idea. You’re working so hard that you’re making yourself sick. You’ll still be with us for everything else. This could be a good thing, hyung.”

Jackson didn’t say anything at first. His eyes were focused on the floor and his face didn’t give away any kind of emotion. Youngjae thought about stepping toward him and taking him into his arms, but he decided to stay still instead.

“You want to know why I’m freaking out about this?” Jackson said. He didn’t give Youngjae a chance to respond. “If I’m working constantly, then I can distract myself from thinking about you. And if I’m still working with all of you in Japan, then I get to see you more. It doesn’t make any sense, does it?”

“Hyung, we can’t do this.”

“I know, but fuck, I want you so bad,” Jackson said. “You’re all I think about.” He approached him, taking Youngjae’s face in his hands. “I hate not talking to you. I hate forcing myself to not think about you.”

“I was with someone else tonight,” Youngjae said quickly, before he could think. “I was going to have sex with him if Mark-hyung hadn’t interrupted us.” His eyes were starting to sting like they wanted to make tears, but he blinked a few times and tried to keep himself from falling apart. “I really like him, hyung. He likes me too and he isn’t ashamed of that. He doesn’t want to hide a part of himself and he doesn’t want to hide me.” He took a shaky breath before closing his eyes. “I don’t love you anymore, hyung.”

It was the biggest lie he had ever told. The words sounded wrong to his ears, but Youngjae still forced himself to say them.

“You don’t mean that,” Jackson said. “You look like you’re about to cry. You love me, Youngjae.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do. Open your eyes and look at me and tell me that you don’t love me.”

“Stop,” Youngjae said, pushing him away. “Just stop it, hyung.”

“How did he touch you?” Jackson asked.

“I’m not telling you that,” Youngjae said. “It’s none of your business.”

“Then why did you even tell me that you were going to fuck someone else?” Jackson said. “If it’s not my business, then why did you want me to know?”

This was impossible. This was why they could barely speak to each other if it wasn’t about something work-related. Youngjae always felt like he had to put his guard up around Jackson. They couldn’t spend a minute alone without the conversation circling back to what they felt for each other and what had gone so terribly wrong between them.

“Because I wanted to hurt you,” Youngjae said. “I wanted you to be crushed that I’ve moved on. All you’ve done is hurt me. How can you not understand that? Being with you made me miserable. _You_ make me miserable, which I’m sure is exactly what you wanted. If you wanted to make someone just as miserable as you are, then congratulations, you’ve succeeded.” He finally let the tears from his eyes fall, no longer interested in trying to appear cool and collected. “And how…how dare you make it impossible for me to fall in love with anyone else. Because you’re all I think about too.”

Jackson grabbed his hips roughly, pressing their chests together before kissing him. Youngjae couldn’t even let it last for a single second. He pushed away again, this time holding his hands out in front of him to signal that he wanted Jackson to keep his distance.

“I need you to stop,” Youngjae said. “This needs to end. For both of us.”

Before Jackson could say anything else, Youngjae left and went back to his own room. In the morning, he overheard two of their managers talking about how Jackson had decided to stop promoting with them in Japan.


	17. Chapter 17

“You seem distracted,” Matthew said, reaching across the table and lacing their fingers together.

“Sorry,” Youngjae said. “I’m just tired, I guess.”

That was a lie. Matthew was right. He was distracted. That morning he had received a text from Jackson that he had yet to read. It was the first text in months that Jackson had sent to only him and not to their group chat. Youngjae had no idea what it said and he was almost scared to find out. It was August now, months had passed since their fight in the hotel room in Japan. They had barely looked at each other since then.

“I’ll leave then,” Matthew said. “You should go to bed.”

“It’s only 8 o’clock.”

“But you seem really tired,” he said. “Walk me to the door.”

It wasn’t exactly a long walk from the kitchen table to the front door of his apartment. Youngjae walked him there anyway. Coco followed them and he bent down to scoop her up into his arms. After putting on his shoes, Matthew turned around and scratched behind her ears.

“I think we should stop seeing each other.”

The words took him by surprise, but they weren’t soul crushing. Youngjae wasn’t devastated. If anything, he felt some relief.

“I like you a lot,” Matthew continued. “You’re so sweet and we get along well and you’re good in bed.”

“This is a very strange breakup.”

“Don’t worry, I’m getting to the bad part,” Matthew said. “You’re great, but so am I. And I think I deserve more than trying to start a relationship with someone who’s still in love with their ex. I don’t want to be a rebound or your second choice. I’m sorry, Jae.”

He put a hand on the back of Youngjae’s neck, pulling him forward to kiss him softly. It was bittersweet and lasted the perfect amount of time. Youngjae got the feeling that he wasn’t the first person to be turned down so sweetly by Matthew.

“Jackson’s a cool guy,” he said. “I can understand the appeal, but I don’t think he’s worth all the heartbreak you’ve had to endure. I hope you can move on and find someone worthwhile.”

“I think you’re pretty worthwhile.”

“I am, aren’t I?” Matthew said. “Maybe if you can move on, we can try this again. But until that happens – if it ever happens – I think it’s best to keep our relationship strictly professional.”

“Sounds good,” Youngjae said.

Matthew kissed him once more, gave a farewell smile to Coco, and then left the apartment. Youngjae stood in front of the closed door and tried to process what had happened leading up to that moment. The two met for lunch at a restaurant close to the dance studio Matthew worked at part-time. They took Coco for a walk and then came back to Youngjae’s apartment. His brother was out with his girlfriend and he said he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow morning, so Youngjae didn’t feel guilty about having sex with Matthew as soon as they got back. Youngjae made him dinner and then Matthew had broken up with him.

It had been a good day if he just ignored the last five minutes of it.

He really did like Matthew, but Youngjae knew his feelings hadn’t always been pure. Hanging out with him these past few months had been a welcome distraction. It was the most relaxed summer he’d had in years. Jaebeom and Jinyoung were working on their JJ Project comeback, so the rest of their group was able to take a break or work on other projects. Youngjae took a trip to New York with some friends, went on dates with Matthew, and focused on writing music. It had been a summer full of distractions, yet one text from Jackson was enough to throw it all off.

Youngjae sat down on the couch in the living room and took his phone out of his pocket as he thought about what to do next. He could text his brother and tell him that Matthew had ended things with him. He could call one of his friends and ask if they wanted to hang out. Or he could finally read Jackson’s text.

Coco stood up on his lap, putting her paws on his chest and stretching her head up so that she could lick his chin. He kissed the top of her head. Maybe Youngjae didn’t need a boyfriend or girlfriend. Romantic love was overrated. Coco could provide him with enough companionship for a lifetime.

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, his phone started to vibrate in his hand. Jackson’s name was on the caller ID, as well as the picture Youngjae assigned for him on his phone. It was a selfie they had taken together years ago, when they were only friends and nothing about their relationship was complicated or messy.

He thought about letting it go to voicemail, but Youngjae couldn’t help but give in and answer the call. When it came to Jackson he always gave in in the end.

“Hello,” Youngjae said after putting the phone up to his ear.

“Hey,” Jackson said.

His voice was exactly the same. Youngjae didn’t know why he expected it to sound any different. He hadn’t heard from him in months though. It was like part of him had forgotten what it was like to be around him. Jackson didn’t say anything after his greeting. Youngjae couldn’t hear anything from the other line either. He checked his phone to make sure he hadn’t been hung up on.

“You’re the one who called me, hyung,” Youngjae said. “What do you want?”

“That’s a hard question to answer,” he said.

“Then I’ll be more specific,” Youngjae said. “Why did you call me?”

“Did you get my text this morning?”

“Yes.”

“Well, did you read it?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I’m sure you can think of a few reasons,” Youngjae said, failing to keep the agitation out of his voice.

They were so bad together. This was the first conversation they had in so long and neither one of them knew how to talk to the other. Youngjae felt an inexplicable feeling to start a fight even though fighting was the last thing he wanted to do. Jackson was being vague and choosing each word too carefully, like he was afraid saying the wrong one would make Youngjae explode. He was right to be cautious too. Youngjae did feel like he was one wrong word away from ending the call and blocking Jackson’s number.

“Fuck,” Jackson said and suddenly Youngjae could picture him perfectly. He was in China, probably holed away in a studio and overworking himself. Jackson was tired and lonely and he missed Youngjae, so he was calling him and this was impossible. Everything about what they had was impossible. “I don’t want us to be like this anymore.”

“And you think I want us to be like this?”

“No,” he said. “No, that’s not at all what I meant. Youngjae, I…I can’t bear the thought of losing you. I know that I made a decision for us. You didn’t really get a say in it and I’m sorry. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, which isn’t anything new, but I’ve thinking about you differently and I–”

“Hyung, you’re rambling,” Youngjae said.

“I know,” Jackson said. “I’m bad at this. I’m bad at everything when it comes to you.”

That wasn’t entirely true, but Youngjae didn’t think he was feeling kind enough to let Jackson know that.

“Just tell me what’s going on,” he said. “What exactly have you been thinking about lately?”

“I’ve been thinking…” Jackson said. “Can we…Do you think we could start over?”

“Start what over?”

“Our friendship,” he said. “Can we go back to the beginning and just start as friends again? I miss you like crazy and the more I think about it, the more I realize that I miss hanging out with you. Which is weird, because you’re one of the most annoying and frustrating people I’ve ever met.”

“Calling me annoying doesn’t sound like the best start to a new friendship,” Youngjae said.

“It’s true though,” Jackson said. “Every time I laugh, you hit me on the chest. Every time _you_ laugh, you hit me. You’re constantly making fun of me and making my life difficult. Your dog killed my plant.”

“I bought you a new plant.”

“Well, it died too,” he said. “Before we bought it, you probably put a curse on it.”

Youngjae laughed, feeling a tightness in his chest start to loosen. This was good. This kind of conversation was where they thrived. They were great at going back and forth, teasing each other and keeping things lighthearted. Youngjae leaned his head back against the couch and closed his eyes. Talking to Jackson like this was nice, but there was some uncertainty to their conversation as well. Acting like nothing was wrong couldn’t last forever.

“Do you want to start from the very beginning?” Jackson asked. “My name is Wang Kayee, if I’m speaking Cantonese. Wang Jiaer, if I’m speaking Mandarin. And Wang Jackson to everyone else. _Or_ Jackson Wang, if I’m in a Western country.”

“That’s a lot of names for one person, Jackson-ssi,” Youngjae said. “I’m just Choi Youngjae.”

“You don’t have an English name?”

“No, well, uh,” Youngjae said. He realized Jackson was setting him up with that question. It was like he wanted to know if Youngjae remembered. “I do have one. Someone else chose it for me. It’s, uh, Lorenzo.”

“Lorenzo?” Jackson said. “Wow, whoever came up with that name for you must be very smart and funny and handsome.”

“Well, he is funny,” Youngjae said. “I’m not sure about those other two things though.”

He could perfectly envision Jackson’s disappointed pout. Youngjae tried to hold back another laugh, not wanting to appear too easy to Jackson. For some reason he didn’t want him to be reminded of how easily he could make Youngjae laugh.

“Sounds like you’re just trying to be modest on behalf of your friend,” Jackson said. “Speaking of friends, I’m told we have mutual friends.”

“We do?” Youngjae said. “Are you talking about Lim Jaebeom?”

“He’s one of them,” he said. “I heard he recently moved into a new apartment with his boyfriend, Mark Tuan.”

“He also adopted two more cats.”

“And Mark hasn’t killed him yet?”

“Surprisingly, no.”

Youngjae knew that this was weird, but this was the longest conversation they’d had without fighting in a long time. The roleplay they were doing was awkward and stiff. It was helping though. In some strange way it was making it easier to talk to him. For the first time in a long time, Youngjae didn’t feel like he was struggling to breathe.

“What about Park Jinyoung?” Jackson said. “The young one. Not the old one.”

“I know him, too,” Youngjae said. “I walked in on him and his boyfriend having sex in one of the practice rooms a few weeks ago.”

It had been one of the most uncomfortable experiences of his life. Even more uncomfortable than entering their dorm for the very first time only to see Bambam completely naked. Youngjae had gotten an invite from Jaebeom, asking him to join them in one of the practice rooms at the company for lunch. It was a group text that went to all of them. Youngjae had been in the area when he got the text, so he decided to show up early and apparently he hadn’t been the only one to get that idea. He was still trying to erase the memory, of Jinyoung and Bambam, half-naked and intertwined on the couch in the practice room, from his mind.

“Okay, I didn’t need you to tell me that,” Jackson said. “That’s actually upsetting to me. I can’t believe Jinyoung deflowered my baby.”

“He’s been deflowered for a while now, hyung.”

“Yeah, I assumed that, but hearing about it is completely different,” Jackson said. “Let’s move on. Do you know Kim Yugyeom?”

“I do,” Youngjae said.

“And how is he?”

“Still hopelessly in love with Mark-hyung,” Youngjae said. “I’m worried about him.”

“I’m worried about him, too,” Jackson said. “What about you? How have you been lately?”

Coco had fallen asleep in his lap. She had a way of being full of energy one second and then dead to the world the next. He stroked his hand down her back, using it as a way to ground himself.

“I’ve been fine,” Youngjae said. He considered telling Jackson about his very recent breakup with Matthew, but he decided against it. Talking about another man would only hurt him and Youngjae was tired of hurting Jackson for only a tiny sliver of satisfaction. “How are you?”

“Fine,” Jackson said. “I’m fine, too. No, I’m better than fine. Work has been great, really rewarding. You should really read the text I sent you.”

“Okay, I will,” Youngjae said.

He could sense that their phone call would be ending soon. Youngjae couldn’t continue the roleplay, pretending like Jackson was a stranger when he was actually one of the people Youngjae knew best in the world.

“I’ve got to get going, but, uh,” Jackson said. “It was nice to meet you, Youngjae.”

“It was nice to meet you, too, Jackson,” Youngjae said.

“I’ll see you soon,” Jackson said. “For KCON in LA.”

“Right, of course,” Youngjae said. “I’ll see you then.”

Neither one of them ended the call. Youngjae was afraid that if he did, whatever spell that had been cast over them would be broken. The next time they saw each other they would be fighting or ignoring each other and he didn’t think his heart could take that. But he didn’t think his heart could take this charade they were trying to play either. It was like no matter what they did, nothing could be perfect between them anymore. Everything they had together was either fragile or already broken beyond repair.

“I love you,” Youngjae said, because he was so weak when it came to Jackson.

“That’s pretty intense,” Jackson said. Youngjae could hear that his voice sounded a bit thicker, full of emotion. “We just met.”

“Hyung, I’m serious–”

“I know,” Jackson said. “I get it, no more pretending. I…Youngjae, I also…” The words he was trying to say didn’t seem to be coming out. “I already know how you feel, baby. I know. I’ll see you soon.”

Jackson ended the call and Youngjae dropped his phone on the couch cushion next to him. The end of their conversation was all the proof he needed to know that it was impossible for them to ever go back to how things used to be. Youngjae didn’t think he could ever see Jackson as a friend again. They had been through too much together.

He picked up his phone again, finally ready to check the text message, when he got another call. This time it was from Jaebeom. Youngjae answered it without hesitating.

“Hey, hyung,” he said.

“I bought a ring.”

“Um, okay?”

“For Mark,” Jaebeom clarified. “I bought a ring for Mark. An engagement ring.”

“Oh,” Youngjae said. “ _Oh_. That’s – Congratulations?”

“I haven’t asked him yet,” Jaebeom said. “So, there’s no need to congratulate me. I just need you to tell me I’m doing the right thing.”

“What does that mean?” Youngjae asked. “Hyung, what’s going on?”

It seemed that tonight was a night of trading one awkward conversation for another. First, Matthew had ended things between them, then Jackson called him, and now Jaebeom sounded like he was two seconds away from panicking. He didn’t know why though. Jaebeom and Mark loved each other and were so committed.

“I was out shopping with my eomma,” Jaebeom said. “She started talking about how Mark and I are getting even more serious. We just moved in together, our parents are close friends, I never stop talking about him. We’ve talked about getting married and mated one day in the future. I passed by a jewelry store and I just…I knew what I needed to do. So, I bought a ring.”

“That’s great, hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “You two are adults and if you’ve talked about your future together, then clearly Mark-hyung wants what you want.”

“I’m not going to ask him anytime soon,” Jaebeom said. “But I just wanted to have a ring in case the perfect opportunity to ask him happens. I’m prepared at any moment.”

“That’s very romantic,” Youngjae said. “But if you’re so sure, why did you need me to tell you you’re doing the right thing? Is something else on your mind, hyung?”

“No,” Jaebeom said, a little too quickly. “Everything’s fine. You know me; I like to get overdramatic about things like this.”

“I won’t argue with that,” Youngjae said.

They talked for a few more minutes. Youngjae knew that something else was bothering him, but he didn’t push for any more information. He also didn’t bring up Matthew or Jackson. It seemed that they were both hiding things, but neither one of them wanted to talk about it. After hanging up, he went to the home screen on his phone and stared at the messages app. Youngjae had no idea what Jackson had sent to him. He was almost afraid to look. His thumb hovered over the icon for a couple of seconds, before he finally pressed it.

**I know we’re not really talking right now. I just want you to know that I’m thinking of you and I’m sorry. I’m releasing my 1 st solo single in a couple of weeks and I just want to thank you for always supporting me. You’re too good to me. I’m going to try to work harder and deserve the love you have for me. You make me want to be a better person. Thank you, my ** **수달** **.**

Youngjae read it over and over again until he had it memorized. He wondered how it was possible for someone to say so much and yet not enough in one single message. The words were like a balm over open wounds, but it wasn’t what he needed. It wasn’t strong enough. Youngjae wasn’t going to beg for more though. He was happy to receive what little had been given to him, so he responded to the text with something simple.

**I’m so proud of you, hyung.**


	18. Chapter 18

Yugyeom sighed loudly from the other side of the room. Youngjae continued to type on his phone. Yugyeom sighed again. Youngjae was texting his brother and checking in on how Coco was doing. Yugyeom threw a pillow at him.

“Why did you do that?” Youngjae asked. He picked the pillow up and threw it back. “What’s up with you?”

“Usually, when I sigh like that, someone asks me what’s wrong,” Yugyeom said.

“You could just tell me what’s wrong,” Youngjae said. “You don’t have to try and prompt me into asking.”

“I guess I could.”

He didn’t tell Youngjae what was wrong. Yugyeom looked at him expectantly, like he was waiting for Youngjae to take the initiative and ask. He didn’t want to ask Yugyeom what was going on, mostly just to spite him, but he caved in. Youngjae didn’t want him to throw another pillow at him.

“What’s wrong, Gyeom-ah?”

“I’m so glad you asked,” Yugyeom said. He got off of his bed and sat down next to Youngjae on his. “It’s been three weeks since the…incident. I only know what Bambam has told me about it. Mark and Jaebeom are completely ignoring me. You’re so close with Jaebeom-hyung that I assumed he might have said something to you.”

Three weeks ago, Jaebeom had proposed to Mark and Mark had turned him down because he had confusing feelings for Yugyeom. The entire situation was a mess. They were both avoiding Yugyeom and each other. The three of them couldn’t be in the same room together without Jaebeom instantly walking out. He was taking it the hardest. Youngjae knew that because Jaebeom hadn’t spoken to him about it. Whenever something truly serious happened, he had a way of closing in on himself and not talking to anyone.

“He hasn’t said anything to me,” Youngjae said. “I haven’t heard anything from Mark-hyung either.”

“Really?” Yugyeom said.

“Sorry,” he said. “Why don’t you talk to them about it?”

“I can’t,” Yugyeom said. “I’m scared Jaebeom-hyung will try to punch me if we’re alone together. And Mark-hyung is clearly confused. He doesn’t really have feelings for me and I don’t think I’m strong enough to be rejected like that.”

“What are you talking about?” Youngjae said. “The reason he turned down Jaebeom’s proposal is _because_ he has feelings for you.”

“I know that’s what he told Bam,” Yugyeom said. “But it doesn’t feel real to me. He’s been with Jaebeom for so long and they’re so in love and I’m just a beta. No omega, especially one as perfect as Mark-hyung, would ever want to be with a beta.”

“You can’t think like that,” Youngjae said. “He likes you, Yugyeom. I know it’s probably hard to believe. You’ve been crazy about him for years and he’s never given any signs that he likes you back, so I can understand why you’re in denial, but you have to face the facts.”

Yugyeom nodded like he was slowly taking in the information Youngjae was giving him. He watched the exact range of emotions Yugyeom went through. Denial slowly turned into acceptance, which briefly turned into joy and then agony. The change of expressions ended with Yugyeom falling back onto the bed and putting his face over his hands. And then he let out a loud, muffled scream.

“Are you okay?” Youngjae asked.

He turned over onto his stomach, his legs kicking up in the air as he screamed again, this time into the bedspread. Youngjae checked his phone. His brother had sent him a photo of him and his girlfriend, they were holding up Coco and her tongue was sticking out. Youngjae placed his hand on his cheek, silently cooing at her adorable face.

“This is terrible,” Yugyeom said after rolling over again. He was now on his back, his limbs spread out like a starfish. Youngjae barely had any room to move around on the bed. “This is worse than him not having any feelings for me at all.”

“How so?”

“Because he likes me, but he loves Jaebeom-hyung,” Yugyeom said. “Mark-hyung isn’t going to leave him for me. They’re not going to break up. I don’t even want them to break up. They’ll work this out and get married and I’ll spend the rest of my life knowing that sure, Mark liked me back, but I’m not his first choice so it didn’t matter. I’ll always be second best.”

“You don’t want them to break up?” Youngjae asked. “That’s weird.”

“How is that weird?”

“Well, if you’re in love with someone and they’re not single, wouldn’t you want them to break up with their partner so that they could be with you instead?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Yugyeom said. “That does make sense, but…I don’t want Jaebeom-hyung to get hurt. I definitely don’t want Mark-hyung to get hurt. I love both of them and want them to be happy and they’re so happy together. I can’t imagine them breaking up.”

Yugyeom had dumped so much information on him in such a short amount of time that Youngjae didn’t think it was possible for him to quickly address all of it. He made a mental list in his mind, so that he could try his best to remember everything he wanted to bring up.

“You love Jaebeom?”

“Of course I do,” Yugyeom said. “I love all of you, but I’m _in_ love with Mark-hyung.”

“Okay,” Youngjae said. That made sense. “If you don’t want them to break up, then why are you so upset that Mark isn’t going to leave him for you? You’ve known for years that Jaebeom is the one Mark wants to be with.”

“I know that,” Yugyeom said. “I know that he loves Jaebeom. I’m not upset about that. I love that they love each other, but I’m upset that Mark-hyung likes me too.”

“So, you’re mad at Mark for having feelings for someone who isn’t Jaebeom?”

“No,” Yugyeom said. “Yes? Wait, no, of course not. I don’t…Hyung, what’s going on with me?”

“I have no idea,” Youngjae said.

Keeping up with Yugyeom’s train of thought was difficult when he was doing something simple, like placing his lunch order. Trying to understand the complicated feelings he had for Mark and, apparently, Jaebeom was practically impossible. Youngjae wanted to help him, but he was far from a relationship expert. The only deep romantic feelings he had ever had were for Jackson, and he didn’t think he had any positive advice to offer from that experience.

“Let me try and understand what’s going on,” Youngjae said. “So, Mark and Jaebeom are in love and in a serious relationship.”

“Correct.”

“They moved in together over the summer,” Youngjae continued, “and they’ve talked about getting married before.”

“Yes.”

“It’s December now, so months have passed since then,” he said. “Their relationship hasn’t shown any signs of weakening. If anything, I feel like they’re even more in love now.”

“They fall more in love every day.”

“Sure,” Youngjae said. “Jaebeom asked Mark to marry him while we were in Hong Kong. He asked him in their hotel room, which isn’t romantic, but Mark-hyung has never cared about big romantic gestures, so that wasn’t the problem. The problem was you. You’re the problem.”

“Thanks, hyung,” Yugyeom said. “I love hearing that about myself.”

“I’m just trying to get the full picture,” Youngjae said. “Stop being dramatic. Anyway, Mark turned him down because he has feelings for you, and he didn’t think it was fair to Jaebeom to not let him know.”

“He’s so considerate.”

“But he doesn’t want to break things off with Jaebeom, because he’s still in love with him and he does want to marry him,” Youngjae said. “But he also doesn’t want to hurt you and he wants to be with you, too.”

“And that’s the part that makes me feel like I’m losing my mind,” Yugyeom said.

Youngjae didn’t blame him for feeling that way at all. It was a difficult position to be in. He didn’t think he would be able to handle it as well as Yugyeom was. If Jackson was in a relationship with someone else, Youngjae wouldn’t be so accepting. He definitely couldn’t be as supportive as Yugyeom was. Youngjae knew that seeing Jackson with someone else would destroy him. He would be too jealous and heartbroken to even function properly.

Thinking it all over, he supposed that Yugyeom might be the most emotionally mature out of all of them. He was the youngest and they all spoiled him and treated him like a baby at times. Yugyeom was smart though. He was considerate of everyone and careful with his words. Youngjae could understand why he was so devastated over all of this.

“I don’t see how this can end without someone getting heartbroken,” Yugyeom said.

“And you’re volunteering?” Youngjae said.

“Yeah,” Yugyeom said. “I know I haven’t done my best to distance myself from Mark-hyung. I flirt with him all the time and I know he knows that I love him. I’ve tried seeing other people, but I was never fully into the idea of being with someone else. Eventually I’ll get over this. I won’t try and force myself into their lives anymore.”

“I don’t think this is something you can just get over, Gyeom,” Youngjae said. “I know you’re not going to like hearing this, but I think the best way for you to work out what you’re feeling is to talk with them.”

“Is that what you and Jackson-hyung did?”

He should have seen that coming. His relationship with Jackson had been stagnant lately. Their friendship had been, surprisingly, revived. Youngjae could hang out with Jackson without things being awkward or uncomfortable. Their conversations felt lighter. It was like they were finally moving on. The downside of their bond becoming stronger was that Youngjae was even more in love with him than he was before. They didn’t fight anymore and they weren’t avoiding each other, so Youngjae could live with his love being unrequited. Anything was better than them not talking.

“We’re still working on that,” Youngjae said. It was the whole truth, but he didn’t feel like talking about his own relationship troubles tonight. He wanted to keep the focus on Yugyeom. “Talking helps a lot. This isn’t going to go away if you ignore it. You need to let them know how you feel. Have you ever even told Mark that you’re in love with him?”

“Once,” Yugyeom said. “A long time ago. It didn’t go that well.”

“What do you think would happen if you told him now?”

“I don’t know,” Yugyeom said. “That’s the problem, hyung. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us. Part of me doesn’t want anything to change, but…but I also want everything to change.”

“And how do you want things to change?” Youngjae said. “Be selfish for once and just think about what the perfect outcome would be.”

Yugyeom took his time thinking. Youngjae got the impression that a perfect outcome wasn’t something he had even thought about before. It wasn’t in Yugyeom’s nature, he supposed. He could be selfish, but only about small things. Being selfish about something this big didn’t come naturally to him.

“I want to be with him,” Yugyeom said in a soft voice, like he was afraid to say it too loudly. It was as if he felt that his own desires were intrinsically wrong. “I want Mark-hyung to love me like I love him. I want to kiss him and hold him and take care of him and be the one who makes him happy.”

“Okay, well admitting that is a great start.”

“But, hyung, I also don’t want him to break up with Jaebeom-hyung,” Yugyeom said. “Am I crazy to feel this way?”

“A little bit,” Youngjae said. “Are you trying to say that you wouldn’t mind sharing Mark with Jaebeom-hyung?”

“That doesn’t seem right,” Yugyeom said. “I want him to be fully mine, but I still want him to fully be Jaebeom-hyung’s too and I don’t like the idea of ‘sharing.’ It doesn’t sit right with me. It all just…”

He didn’t finish his train of thought. Instead Yugyeom grabbed one of the pillows from the bed and pressed his face against it, screaming once more. Youngjae didn’t envy Yugyeom’s situation. He didn’t understand his way of thinking. Wanting to be with someone who was with someone else didn’t appeal to him. He had heard of polyamory before, but it wasn’t something he looked into. Youngjae knew instantly, after reading the definition, that it wasn’t for him. That didn’t mean it wasn’t for Yugyeom though.

“Have you thought about Jaebeom romantically?” Youngjae asked.

Yugyeom took the pillow off of his face and held it against his chest instead. He didn’t seem disgusted by the question, but it wasn’t like he was intrigued by it either.

“No,” he said. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, if the three of you all liked each other equally, then wouldn’t that solve the problem?” Youngjae said. “You could be with Mark and he would still be with Jaebeom. But instead of Mark-hyung going between the two of you, the three of you would be together.”

“Huh,” Yugyeom said. “Interesting.”

Youngjae waited for him to elaborate on that, but he never did. They sat in silence for a few minutes while Yugyeom contemplated the idea. Youngjae picked up his phone again. His brother had sent him a few more pictures of Coco. Jackson had sent a text to their group chat, telling them he missed them and asking how their concerts in Tokyo had been. Jinyoung and Bambam had responded to him, so Youngjae didn’t feel the need to respond as well. He noticed another text from Jackson, this time it had only been sent to him.

“I’m going to take a shower,” Yugyeom said, rolling off of Youngjae’s bed. “Thanks for listening to me talk, hyung.”

“Anytime,” Youngjae said.

Once Yugyeom was in the bathroom, Youngjae opened up the text from Jackson. It was simple and straightforward. He had sent a selfie along with the message, “I miss you the most.” Nothing about it was anything new or different from what he had been sending to Youngjae over the past four months. Youngjae was about to text a response when he decided to call him instead. Jackson picked up after the second ring.

“You never call me,” Jackson said.

“If that’s how you greet me, then I won’t call you again,” Youngjae said.

“I take it back,” he said. “Let me try again.” Jackson cleared his throat. “Oh, hello Youngjae! It’s been so long since we’ve spoken. I’ve forgotten what your voice sounded like. How delightful to receive a telephone call from you, my dear friend.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“No, don’t,” Jackson said quickly. “I’m just messing around. How are you?”

“Fine,” Youngjae said. “I’m fine. I’ve been acting as Yugyeom’s therapist.”

“That sounds rough,” he said. “How’s everything going with them? I’ve talked to Mark a few times, but he’s been pretty closed off about it.”

“They’ve taken the ‘avoiding the situation in hopes that everything will work out on its own’ approach.”

“That’s not good,” Jackson said. “That never works out. We should know. We’ve tried it enough times.”

“And we’re never doing it again, are we?”

“No, never,” Jackson said.

It wasn’t as if all of their problems had magically disappeared once they stopped avoiding them, but it did make things better, more bearable. Youngjae was slowly coming to a place of acceptance when it came to Jackson. They would only ever be friends, nothing more. There were too many factors in the way of them ever truly being together.

“I got your text,” Youngjae said. “I miss you, too, hyung.”

“Good,” Jackson said. “I like the idea of you missing me.”

“You’re a narcissist.”

“You love me.”

“I do,” Youngjae said, because at this point there was no reason to deny it. “It’s getting late. I’m going to bed.”

“Okay,” Jackson said. “Youngjae, I–”

“Yes?”

Their timing was off. Youngjae had spoken too quickly, interrupting him, and now Jackson was less likely to say what Youngjae was desperately waiting to hear. It was so like them, he supposed. Their timing was never right.

“I’ll see you soon,” Jackson said. “Sleep well.”

“Goodnight, hyung.”


	19. Chapter 19

Youngjae closed the door to his apartment and leaned back against it with a deep sigh. He hated going on dates. They were always full of awkward conversation and trying to impress someone he didn’t even know. The girl he was with tonight was pretty and sweet, but their interests clashed too much and she kept checking her phone near the end of dinner. He hadn’t been a saint either. Youngjae had lost track of what she was saying multiple many times. He still wasn’t sure he even knew what they had been talking about.

Coco, who had been napping in her dog bed, woke up and came running to him as he took his shoes off. He reached down, scooping her up in his arms like she was a baby, and placed numerous kisses to the top of her head.

“What’s that?” he said. “Appa should never go on another date? They’re all stressful and annoying? And I shouldn’t make myself even busier when we’re in the middle of a comeback? Oh, Coco-yah, you are so wise.”

“So, you’re still insane,” Woojeong said as he stepped out of his bedroom. “That’s good to know.”

“Why haven’t you left?” Youngjae asked. “I thought you were spending the night at your girlfriend’s place.”

“I’m leaving now,” he said. “I actually have to talk to you about something before I go though.”

“You two are moving in together, aren’t you?” Youngjae said.

“How’d you know?”

“You’re rarely here,” Youngjae said. “Sometimes I think I live alone. You two have always been serious, so I’m not surprised you’re taking this next step together.”

Woojeong smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. His cheeks were flushed and he looked so genuinely happy. Youngjae was happy for him, too. He always wanted the best for his brother.

“I’ve been thinking about asking her to marry me,” Woojeong said. “Maybe it’s too much all at once, but she’s the one for me. And I know she feels the same way about me.”

“I’m really happy for you, hyung.”

Youngjae was pulled into a hug and a noisy, obnoxious kiss was placed on the top of his head. It reminded him of the kisses he had just given to Coco. Woojeong left with a small packed bag, leaving Youngjae alone in the apartment. He sat down on the couch and patted his lap until Coco joined him. The remote for the TV was on the coffee table only an arm’s length away, but he couldn’t bring himself to grab it.

He felt stuck. Everyone in his life seemed to be moving forward except for him. Woojeong was moving in with his girlfriend and planning on proposing. His older sister was already married with children. Jinyoung and Bambam were happy and stable together, despite getting exposed by the media for “hiding the truth” about their relationship. Jaebeom and Mark worked things out and were still together. Yugyeom was also slowly being allowed into their lives as well. And Jackson… Jackson was thriving as a solo artist and enjoying his work.

Youngjae went on dates that led to nowhere. He had tried writing more music, but he felt like he was blocked. It was like all of the creative energy had left his body. Every day felt like he was going through the same set of steps over and over again.

He eventually turned on the TV and flipped through the channels before settling on a new drama that he hadn’t seen before. It was the middle of the tenth episode, so he had no idea what was going on. Still, it managed to keep his mind off of things. Coco fell asleep in his lap and he stroked her fur as she slept. The episode ended and a variety show started after. It did an even better job of cancelling out the noise in his head.

At some point, he had drifted off to sleep as well. His neck was sore from the angle it had rested on. He took his phone out of his pocket to see that it was two hours after he had gotten home. Youngjae turned off the TV and gently placed Coco onto the couch cushion next to him. He was tired and wanted to go to sleep, but he felt like he hadn’t done anything productive all day. It was a ridiculous thought. He had gone on a radio show with the others earlier and they performed on a music show. Then he had a date that had been a miserable failure.

Youngjae got off of the couch. He didn’t know why the date wouldn’t leave his mind. It had nothing to do with the girl he was with either. He was just feeling annoyed with himself and agitated and… guilty. For some reason he was feeling guilty. He was single. The dating ban on their group had been lifted last year. He was allowed to date as many people as he wanted. There was something different about this date though.

When he parted ways with the other guys earlier that day, they all asked what his plans were for the night. He told them about his date and after some teasing, he had been on his way. It hadn’t been different from any other time he had told them about a date. Except Jackson had been there. Jackson was usually working in China or another country when he went on dates.

Youngjae closed his eyes and tried to think about everyone’s reaction when he told them about his plans. He couldn’t picture any of their faces or the exact words they spoke. Not even trying to solely remember Jackson’s reaction was making things clearer.

It was probably best to stop thinking about it. He took a quick shower and brushed his teeth before heading into his bedroom. Coco was still sleeping on the couch when he checked on her after leaving the bathroom, so he decided to leave her there. After getting under the covers of his bed, he thought about getting his laptop and logging into the game he was currently into before deciding against it. He had to get up early tomorrow for a day full of schedules, so it was best for him to get some sleep.

Youngjae didn’t know how long he had been asleep when his phone started buzzing. He groaned and reached out his arm, grabbing for the phone with his eyes still shut. Slowly, he opened one eye so that he could look at the screen. Jackson’s name and photo were on display.

“Hyung, is someone dying?” he said after answering the call.

“No,” Jackson said. “Why would someone be dying?”

“Because it’s too late to be calling me,” Youngjae said. “Is there another emergency?”

“No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Then I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

“Wait, don’t hang up!” Jackson said just as Youngjae’s thumb was hovering over the end call button. “Are you at home?”

“Where else would I be?”

“Can you please just give me a straightforward answer?”

“When have I ever done that?”

“Youngjae.”

“Okay, fine, I will,” he said. “Yes, I’m at home.”

“Is your brother there?”

“No.”

“Is anyone else there with you?”

“No,” Youngjae said. “Why would you even – Oh. Are you worried that I’m with someone else?”

He didn’t know how to feel about that. To call his relationship with Jackson “complicated” was a massive understatement. What they had was messy and unclear and always up in the air. Youngjae had no idea where they stood most of the time. Some days, he truly felt like Jackson was just as in love with him as he was in love with Jackson. Other days, he didn’t know what to think.

“Well, you went on a date tonight,” Jackson said.

“It was a bad date,” Youngjae said. “All the dates I go on lately have been bad. I’m very much alone right now, hyung.”

“Good,” Jackson said. “Well, what I mean to say is… actually, you know what, it is good that you’re alone. I’m happy you’re alone. I’m glad you’ve only been on shitty dates lately.”

“I’m going to hang up for real now.”

“Don’t,” Jackson said. “Can I come up?”

“What?”

“Can I come up to your apartment?”

“I think you mean can you come _over_ to my apartment,” Youngjae said. “The word you used was–”

“I don’t need a Korean lesson right now,” Jackson said. “I didn’t misspeak. I’m in the lobby of your building. So, can I come up?”

Youngjae’s first thought was that he wasn’t ready for this. This was the moment he had been waiting so long for and it was nothing like he imagined it would be. It was the middle of the night and he was in his pajamas and his hair was probably a mess and he was so unprepared. Jackson had taken complete control over the situation.

He turned on the lamp next to his bed and squinted as he tried to adjust to the light. Youngjae wasn’t ready for this ambush and as soon as he told Jackson it was okay to come to his apartment, he would have limited time to prepare himself.

“This really isn’t something that can wait until the morning?” Youngjae said.

“Baby, I think we both know that this is something that can’t wait any longer.”

Youngjae pushed his blankets off his bed and got to his feet, suddenly feeling wide awake and on high alert. His heart was pounding in his chest.

“Fine,” he said. “Come on up.”

He ended the call and finally checked the time to see that it was just after 2am. Youngjae couldn’t believe out of all the people for him to fall in love with, he had chosen a lunatic who thought that 2am was an appropriate time to (hopefully) confess his love.

It didn’t take long to get to his apartment from the lobby, so Youngjae didn’t have enough time to brace himself. He ran to his bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror, trying to think of what he could do make himself look like he hadn’t just woken up. After brushing his teeth, because it was the only thing he could think of, he walked back into his bedroom to look at the mess of dirty clothes on his floor. Just as he reached down to start cleaning up, there was a loud knock on his front door.

This was it. This was the moment he had been waiting for. And his apartment was a mess and he was in a pair of boxers and an old, worn-out t-shirt he had been sleeping in since high school. He silently cursed himself for brushing his teeth instead of changing into something more presentable.

Youngjae’s hand was shaking as he grabbed the door handle, but he didn’t let himself hesitate. He opened the door to see Jackson, wearing a beanie and a face mask and an oversized sweatshirt, standing in front of him. The first thing Youngjae noticed after he pulled his mask down was that he was breathing heavily.

“Are you all right?” he asked.

“I ran up the stairs.”

“You took the stairs?” Youngjae said. “There’s an elevator.”

“I know, but it was taking too long to show up, so I took the stairs.”

“You must be in a hurry if you–”

“I’m in love with you,” Jackson said.

He walked into Youngjae’s apartment after closing the door behind him. Jackson took off his face mask and beanie, dropping them to the floor at the same moment he slipped off his shoes. His hands reached out and cupped Youngjae’s face.

“I was in a hurry because I couldn’t stand you not knowing that for another second.”

Jackson kissed him and Youngjae melted into it, because it was so comfortable and familiar and almost like coming home. He let Jackson hold him close as their mouths moved together. All of his tiredness faded away. Youngjae was wide awake and he was grateful for it. If he were even slightly sleepy, he feared he would have mistaken this for a dream. It wasn’t like this wasn’t something he had already dreamed of many times before.

“I’m sorry I was such a piece of shit to you,” Jackson said once they parted. His hands had slipped under Youngjae’s shirt and were now resting on the skin of his waist. “I’m sorry it took me so long to realize and even longer to tell you. It’s like I’ve been trying to rewire my brain this past year.”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” he said. “You’re still way too good for me. You’re always going to be more than I deserve.”

“Don’t talk about yourself like that,” Youngjae said.

“It’s true though.”

“No, it’s not,” Youngjae said. “I’m not perfect, hyung. I’m not this angel you’ve tried to turn me into. I have just as many faults as you and…” He rested their foreheads together. “And I don’t want to listen to you say bad things about yourself. Because when you’re doing that, you’re saying rude things about the man that I love and I can’t stand that.”

“Damn,” Jackson said. “You are so good with your words. I had time to plan a big, romantic speech and you just woke up and you’re already outdoing me.”

“Do you want to go back into the hall and start over?” Youngjae asked. “We can try again.”

“That’s very tempting,” Jackson said. “But I don’t want to waste any more time.”

He pulled his sweatshirt over his head, letting Youngjae see his tan chest for just a moment before he was brought back into another kiss. It felt like things were moving too quickly all of a sudden. They still had so much to talk about and falling into bed together without thinking never worked well for them.

“We should talk,” Youngjae said.

“After,” Jackson said, pushing his hands past the waistband of Youngjae’s boxers and grabbing his ass. He bit down gently on Youngjae’s lower lip before soothing it with a soft kiss. “All I want to do right now is take you to bed and show you how much I love you.”

Jackson was right. They could talk afterward.

Once they were in his bedroom, Youngjae didn’t feel self-conscious about the mess anymore. He didn’t care that he was wearing worn out clothes or that his hair wasn’t styled or that there were probably dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. None of his faults made Jackson want him any less. They didn’t make him love him any less either. And just the thought of Jackson loving him, _truly_ loving him, was enough for him to feel a type of ecstasy he had never felt before.

Jackson’s weight on top of him was so familiar and something he had desperately missed. They ungracefully pulled their clothes off, throwing each article onto the floor to join the rest of Youngjae’s mess. Once they were both naked, Jackson settled between his legs. Their faces were so close that their noses brushed together.

“I really missed this,” Jackson said. “I missed you.”

“So, you’ve only missed the sex?” Youngjae asked.

“No,” Jackson said. “I’ve missed everything about you. I know we spend a lot of time together, but it’s never felt the same. Things are going to be different now.”

“Different how?”

“You really want to have this discussion right now?” Jackson asked. “Baby, you’re naked and underneath me and you really think I’m going to be able to concentrate?”

“I believe in you,” Youngjae said, kissing the tip of his nose. “Tell me what’s different this time, hyung.”

He knew he was killing the mood by making Jackson talk, but Youngjae didn’t think he would be able to fully enjoy having sex if his mind wasn’t totally at ease. Jackson rolled off of him and on to his back, sighing loudly as he looked up at Youngjae’s ceiling.

“I love you,” Jackson said.

“I know,” Youngjae said. “You already told me that. What else do you have to tell me?”

“Well, I want to be with you,” he said. “Like actually be with you. I want to tell the other guys that we’re together. I want them to know that you’re my boyfriend.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really,” Jackson said. “I think we both know that this isn’t going to be easy. We can’t publically be out and open. I’ve been spending less time in Korea, so our relationship will be part long distance. I still haven’t told my parents anything, so that’s going to be something I’ll have to do one day. I know you could have a much happier, more normal relationship with someone else.”

“I don’t want to be with anyone else,” Youngjae said. “And I don’t care if things won’t be perfect and easy and simple. All I’ve ever wanted is to be with you, hyung.”

Youngjae leaned in to kiss him, but Jackson put a hand on his chest to stop him.

“I’ve got one more thing I need to say,” he said.

“What’s that?”

“I’m gay,” Jackson said.

That was a relief to hear. Youngjae had never wanted to label Jackson’s sexual orientation for him. He had only known that Jackson wasn’t straight. Of course he had suspicions since Jackson always seemed uncomfortable and dissatisfied with the women he used to go on dates with, but Youngjae never wanted to assume anything.

“I’m proud of you,” Youngjae said.

“Thanks,” Jackson said. “It felt weird saying that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not right now,” Jackson said. “I’m tired of talking. There’s something else I’d much rather do.”

“There is?” Youngjae said. “What could that possibly be?”

His laugh was muffled by Jackson kissing him again. He pulled Youngjae on top of him, so that he was straddling Jackson as they continued to kiss. His hands went up and down his back until they settled on Youngjae’s ass. Nothing about it was subtle. Youngjae knew exactly what he wanted and he had no complaints.

“Do you have any–”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said before he could finish his question. “In the top drawer of my nightstand.”

Jackson opened the drawer and took out a condom and the bottle of lube he kept in there. He sat up, so that Youngjae was now sitting on his lap and able to put his arms around Jackson’s shoulders.

“Since the last time we…” Jackson said. “You don’t have to tell me and I’m not mad if you did, but have you been with other people?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “Have you?”

“No,” Jackson said. “I’m glad you weren’t waiting around for me to come to my senses though. I’ve never wanted you to put your life on hold for me.”

Youngjae wanted to tell him that he couldn’t be more wrong. His life had been on hold ever since he met Jackson. Even his summer romance with Matthew had been tainted by the presence of Jackson in his thoughts. He couldn’t commit to anyone or feeling anything deeper than basic attraction for others. Youngjae decided not to tell him that though. It would only make Jackson feel guilty.

“I don’t want all of the details, but I want to know one thing,” Jackson said. “Did they take care of you? Did they treat you right?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “They did.”

“Good,” Jackson said. “You should always be taken care of. But they didn’t make you feel as good as I do, did they?”

Of course they didn’t. Being with Jackson was unlike being with anyone else. It wasn’t just how Jackson physically touched him that got him to react so strongly, the feelings he had for him naturally made everything more intense as well. Instead of telling him that, Youngjae wanted to tease him.

“I’m not sure,” Youngjae said. “It’s been so long since you’ve touched me. I can’t remember.” He placed one of his hands on the side of Jackson’s neck before dipping his head down to kiss his jawline. “I think you’ll need to remind me.”

“I’m more than happy to do that,” Jackson said.

He took his time opening Youngjae up. Jackson was patient and confident as he worked two fingers into him, making Youngjae moan as he shifted on his lap. He couldn’t help but think of the first time Jackson had done this for him. Back then he was so nervous and unsure and the sex had been awkward and uncomfortable. Jackson had even had trouble making eye contact with him.

Now he was kissing across Youngjae’s chest, scraping his teeth over one of his nipples just to get him to gasp. It was insanely heady, having Jackson’s attention focused solely on him as he worked to make Youngjae feel as good as possible.

“I’ve missed touching you so much,” Jackson said. He pressed another finger inside of him, making it three in total. “You’re so fucking beautiful when I touch you. You make the prettiest noises. I love it. Love everything about you.”

“I love you, too,” Youngjae said.

It was almost too much. The compliments and the way they kept saying “I love you” was saccharinely sweet. It was the kind of behavior that Youngjae would have laughed at or made fun of before. But now, being the one to receive this kind of love from the person he had been longing for for years, he couldn’t bring himself to complain.

“How do you want to do this?” Jackson asked. “You want to be on your back or–”

“I want to ride you,” Youngjae said.

“Or we could do that.”

The feeling of Jackson’s cock stretching him open made Youngjae dig his fingernails into Jackson’s skin. He sunk down slowly onto it, making sure he was taking his time and being careful because it had been a while since he’d gotten fucked. With Matthew, he had gotten used to topping most of the time, so it was almost shocking to be in this position again. He didn’t mind it. In fact, the way Jackson filled him up so perfectly only confirmed that this was the position he preferred.

“Baby,” Jackson said, already sounding out of breath. “I hate to sound like an inexperienced teenager, but I’m not going to last long. You’re too much for me.”

“It’s okay,” Youngjae said. “I’ll go slow. I really just want to feel you. I missed you so much.”

Jackson moved forward, kissing him softly and then groaning as soon as Youngjae started to move up and down. It was gentle and unhurried and so different from what they had done before. Everything about it was different from how Youngjae expected it. Neither one of them was acting out of uncontrollable passion. Their actions weren’t rushed or intense.

They were almost rocking against each other, drinking the other in as they moved together. Youngjae’s cock was rubbing against Jackson’s stomach, but that sensation seemed almost dull compared to everything else. His pleasure was mounting inside of him, getting stronger and stronger with every movement of his hips.

“You’re so fucking good for me,” Jackson said. “You feel so good around me.”

Youngjae ducked his head down, pressing his forehead against Jackson’s shoulder in an attempt to hide his face. He couldn’t think of anything to say in response, so instead he just continued to move, fucking himself on Jackson’s cock until it all got to be too much for both of them.

His orgasm wasn’t abrupt; it wasn’t an intense shock of pleasure. It was a short burst that was over too quickly. Usually he would have been disappointed with it, but tonight he wasn’t. Youngjae didn’t feel like what they were doing was about sex. It was more about being together, _finally_ together.

Afterward, he lied under the covers of his bed, watching as Jackson looked through his clean clothes to find a pair of sweatpants to sleep in. His back was smooth and strong and dimly lit in the light from his lamp. Youngjae was suddenly struck by the urge to kiss every single inch of it. Jackson joined him in the bed and wrapped an arm around him. They moved around a bit before they were both comfortable. Jackson on his back and Youngjae resting his head on his chest.

“Do you want to tell the guys tomorrow?” Jackson asked.

“Sure,” Youngjae said. “Sounds good to me. I think I should tell my brother, too. If that’s all right.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Jackson said. “He’s not going to give me a mean older brother lecture, is he?”

“I don’t think so,” Youngjae said. “That would be funny to watch though.”

“You’re a menace.”

“You love me.”

“I do,” Jackson said, kissing the top of his head. “So much.” He stroked a hand down Youngjae’s back. The touch was so soft and careful that it was lulling him to sleep. “I’m going to spend the rest of my life loving you, Choi Youngjae.”

He turned his face into Jackson’s chest and squeezed his eyes tight in an attempt to keep any tears from falling. Youngjae felt so overwhelmed, but at the same time he was totally calm. It was like a loud buzzing noise that had been in his mind for the past few years had finally turned itself off and he was left with peaceful silence.

“I feel the exact same way about you,” he said.


	20. Chapter 20

“Good morning, beautiful.”

Youngjae groaned loudly into the pillow, shaking his head as Jackson pushed at his side in an attempt to make him roll over. He didn’t know what time it was, but his body was telling him that it was too early to be awake.

“You have to get out of bed,” Jackson said. He dropped a kiss to Youngjae’s shoulder, the single kiss then quickly turning into a trail of kisses across his back. “We’ve got a flight to catch.”

“They can do the concert without us,” Youngjae said.

His face was still pressed into the pillow, so his voice sounded muffled. Jackson seemed to have understood him though because he chuckled.

“Yeah, but they shouldn’t have to do it without us,” Jackson said. “And you would feel so guilty if you missed it just to get a few more hours of sleep.”

“I wouldn’t need a few extra hours of sleep if _someone_ hadn’t kept me awake all night.”

Youngjae turned over onto his back and instantly regretted it. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the light from the room. Jackson had not only turned all of the lights on, but had also opened the curtains.

“I said we could leave the reception early,” Jackson said.

“The reception wasn’t what kept me awake,” Youngjae said. “It was your stupid dick.”

“But you love my stupid dick,” Jackson said. Youngjae’s eyes were still closed, but he could still perfectly picture Jackson’s pout. “My stupid dick made you come twice last night.”

“It also made me lose sleep.”

He slowly opened his eyes, letting them get adjusted to the bright light of the room. Jackson was lying on his side with his head resting on his palm. He had already shaved and gotten dressed. Youngjae tried to remember if Jackson had always been a morning person.

“I’m sorry,” Jackson said, kissing his cheek. “I promise to never go for two rounds again. All of your orgasms will be mild from now on. I’ll have you in bed and ready to sleep by 8 o’clock every night.”

“I hate you.”

“I love you, too, baby.”

Youngjae hated that he couldn’t even pretend to be mad at Jackson. Just hearing him say, “I love you” made Youngjae want to melt. They had been together for almost three months and they already felt so settled. When Jackson was in Korea, he had all but officially moved in to Youngjae’s apartment since his brother had moved out. They had started a world tour recently and they always shared a hotel room. Jackson took care of Coco and went to dinner with him and his brother and his girlfriend. He told Youngjae that he loved him at least five times a day. Yesterday, they had gone to a wedding together, just as friends though. It wasn’t like they could tell anyone outside of the group and Youngjae’s family that they were together.

“I need to take a shower,” Youngjae said. He sat up in bed, wincing slightly at how sore he felt. The sex they had last night had been truly… ambitious. “I wasn’t able to take one last night.”

“Because I wouldn’t stop fucking you?”

“Yes, because you wouldn’t stop fucking me.”

He got out of bed and was pleased that he was only sore, not unsteady. Youngjae grabbed his overnight bag from the large armchair in the hotel room. He brought the entire thing with him into the bathroom instead of taking out what he needed. Jackson followed him and sat down on the toilet as Youngjae turned on the shower.

“I could join you,” Jackson said.

“You’re already dressed.”

“I can undress and then get dressed again.”

“I don’t want you to join.”

“I won’t even touch you,” Jackson said. “No more sex, I promise. I just want to be close to you.”

“Fine,” Youngjae said.

Jackson kept his promise at first. He kept his distance (as much as he could in a shower) while Youngjae washed his hair and face. As soon as he reached for the body wash, Jackson pressed his chest against his back, kissing his shoulder once more.

“Hyung, you promised,” Youngjae said.

“I promised no sex,” Jackson said. “I just said that I wouldn’t touch you.”

“So, you’re not breaking a promise, but you did lie?”

“Exactly.”

Youngjae couldn’t bring himself to be upset. He laughed and leaned back against Jackson, humming happily when he wrapped an arm around his waist. Being in Jackson’s arms only made him want to fall asleep again. They had gotten back to the hotel late last night after the wedding and then spent a ridiculous amount of time having sex. Now it was early in the morning, too early for him to focus on anything other than how tired he was.

“You can sleep on the plane,” Jackson said. “That has to be better than sleeping in the shower.”

“This is your fault,” Youngjae said. “You’re why I’m like this.”

“I take complete responsibility then,” Jackson said.

The shower helped to wake him up and make him more alert, but he was still sore and tired once he got out. They got dressed and finished up in the bathroom.

“I really am sorry for going so hard last night,” Jackson said as Youngjae packed his bag. “I don’t know why I couldn’t hold myself back.”

“You don’t have to be sorry,” Youngjae said. “I wanted it, too. I didn’t think I would be this sore though.”

“Sore? Is it bad?” Jackson asked. “Did I hurt you?”

“No, of course not,” Youngjae said. “It’s the good kind of sore. It’ll go away.”

It wasn’t until he had zipped his bag after double checking to make sure he had packed everything, that he realized Jackson didn’t know what he was talking about. He could try and equate it to being sore after an intense workout, but he wasn’t sure that comparison was totally accurate. Youngjae turned around and wasn’t surprised to see that Jackson looked confused and also a little guilty.

“Now I feel like I have to apologize for something else,” he said.

“There’s nothing you have to apologize for, hyung.”

“I know,” Jackson said. “Well, I know that _technically_ I have nothing to apologize for, but… I know you’re probably annoyed that I never want to, well, switch. I just – There’s some kind of block in my mind that makes me not want to do it and I don’t–”

“Hyung, it’s fine.”

“It’s really not fine though.”

“Yes, it is,” Youngjae said. Jackson was sitting on the edge of the bed, his bag already packed and ready to go. Youngjae knelt on the floor in front of him. He crossed his arms over Jackson’s thighs and rested his head on top so that he could look up at him. “You shouldn’t do anything that you’re not comfortable doing. I love having sex with you. I’m never bored when we have sex and if you don’t want to bottom for me, then that’s fine. I’ve told you before that I prefer bottoming anyway.”

“Are we really having this conversation right now?”

“You’re the one who brought it up.”

“Okay, I guess that’s true,” Jackson said. “I just feel like… You know that I love fucking you, right? I’m down for it anytime, anywhere. In the bed, on the couch, against a wall. I love taking care of you and making you feel good and being inside of you is like, my favorite place to be.”

“Hyung, I get it, you’re a top,” Youngjae said. “Where are you going with this?”

“I just want you to know that I’m… I’m willing to try bottoming,” Jackson said. “One day. In the future. I don’t know when it’ll happen, but I’ll let you know. I want to do that for you.”

“You should want to do it for yourself, too,” Youngjae said. “Not just for me.”

“I know,” Jackson said. “That’s why I’m saying it’ll happen in the future, but not soon. Does that make sense? Am I making sense?”

“Sure,” Youngjae said. “You know I never want you to force yourself to do anything. Some people really just don’t like it. I’m not going to be mad or disappointed if you’re not into it.”

“I get that, I do,” Jackson said. “I’m just letting you know that I want to try it someday. That’s it. I’m still more than happy to be the one doing the majority of the fucking in this relationship.”

Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous that statement sounded. Jackson could truly make him laugh in almost any situation. He stood up and bent down so that he could cup Jackson’s face in his hands and pull him into a kiss. It wouldn’t lead anywhere, but that didn’t matter. He was getting used to kissing Jackson without sex being the end result. When they were friends with benefits that seemed to be what he expected of every kiss. Now he received countless kisses for no reason every day.

“We should really go check-out,” Jackson said. “I don’t want to run through the airport to catch our flight. I’d rather walk briskly.”

After checking the room once more to make sure they hadn’t forgotten anything, they headed downstairs to the front desk. The receptionist called a cab for them, so they sat down on the couch in the lobby to wait. Jackson’s hand rested on the cushion between them and Youngjae was tempted to lace their fingers together, but he stopped himself. It was a small hotel and not a lot of people were around, but he still didn’t want to risk anything.

“Thanks for coming with me to the wedding,” Jackson said. “Our schedule is pretty crazy right now, so I’m surprised you agreed.”

“Of course I agreed,” Youngjae said.

Last week they had been in Europe for their world tour and tonight they would be in Taipei. Then, Youngjae and the other group members would be off to Japan for a quick tour over there. Jackson would be working on his own solo projects while they were away. It was a busy time for them, but Youngjae hadn’t hesitated to go with Jackson to the wedding. Even though everyone there thought he was just there as his friend, he still liked going. Attending weddings with his boyfriend seemed like such a normal thing to do. It was almost like for one night he could pretend that their lives were ordinary.

“It was a beautiful ceremony,” Jackson said. “I’m glad we went.”

Youngjae had never been particularly close with Namjoon or Jimin, but he knew that Jackson was good friends with Namjoon. Even though he didn’t know them well, it was still nice to see two people who were so madly in love get married. Thinking about it, he couldn’t help but feel a little jealous though. He knew the circumstances were different. Namjoon was an alpha and Jimin was an omega, so of course they could be married and publicly open about their love for each other.

Same-sex marriage between two betas was illegal in Korea and Hong Kong. The only way it was accepted was with an alpha and omega couple. Jackson would never be able to be his husband. Betas didn’t have the concept of “mates” either, so that was out of the question as well. The most they could be was partners. And unless the world they lived in changed very quickly, then they wouldn’t be able to be open about their relationship unless they wanted their careers to end.

He had wanted to talk to Jackson about their future a lot lately, but Youngjae had never wanted to bring it up. They were in their “honeymoon phase,” according to Mark, and Youngjae didn’t want to do anything to put a halt to how happy they were. Still, he wanted to ask Jackson a million questions. When did he plan on telling his family about him? Did he want kids? How could they even raise kids together if they didn’t announce their relationship? Would he one day want to live in China permanently? Or would he leave it behind to stay in South Korea for Youngjae’s sake?

Instead of bringing up any of those heavy questions, Youngjae went for a lighter topic instead.

“Can you imagine Jinyoung and Bambam getting married?” he said. “What would the ceremony even be like?”

“Why would you put that thought into my head?” Jackson said. “Bambam is too young to get married. He’s still just a baby in my eyes.” He took a pause to think about it. “The ceremony would last for three days and Bambam would have 20 different outfit changes.”

“He would probably dye his hair a different color for each day,” Youngjae added in.

“Jinyoung would wear the same thing every day.”

“Those two are so different, I still don’t know how they make it work,” Youngjae said.

Jinyoung and Bambam were complete opposites, but they were so in love that it didn’t matter that so many of their interests didn’t match. Their love for each other was endless though, and Youngjae couldn’t imagine either one of them with people they were more similar to. It was almost as if their relationship worked because they were so different.

“I guess, when you’re that in love, you find a way of making it work,” Jackson said. “We know that all too well, don’t we?”

“More than most people do.”

Jackson’s gaze didn’t leave his face. He was staring at him so intently that Youngjae almost felt uncomfortable. It was impossible to get a read on Jackson. He had no idea what he was thinking, so he waited for him to speak.

“I want to kiss you so badly right now,” Jackson said. “And now all I can think about is when I’ll get the chance to do that again.”

“In the restroom at the airport?” Youngjae said.

“Yeah, I guess,” Jackson said. “That’s not exactly romantic though.”

“No, it’s not,” Youngjae said. “But we have to work with what we can get.”

The taxi the receptionist had called for them arrived and they left the hotel, quietly sitting in the backseat as the driver went through town. Youngjae looked out the window at the ocean, taking in the sunny June day. It was hard to believe that in a few hours they would be in a different country, on their way to a concert venue to perform. They had been doing this for four years now and his own life still didn’t feel real to him sometimes.

They arrived at the airport with enough time to have 30 minutes to sit around, waiting for their flight.

“Do you think Mark, Jaebeom, and Yugyeom will be acting normally when we get there?” Jackson asked. “Or are they going to be awkward around each other?”

“It’s hard to say,” Youngjae said. “I think it changes every day. Sometimes they actually seem like they’re really in a relationship. And then other times Mark and Jaebeom will treat Yugyeom like he’s a third wheel.”

Youngjae thought that his tumultuous relationship with Jackson had been the most stressful in their group. Mark, Jaebeom, and Yugyeom were the true holders of that title though. It was difficult for him to keep track of all the phases their relationship went through. Jaebeom talked to him about it sometimes, but he still had a habit of never truly opening up.

The only thing Youngjae knew for sure was they were trying to make it work and they all seemed to be happy, so he wasn’t too worried about them.

“Do you want to go to the restroom to make out with me for the next 15 minutes?” Jackson asked.

“You really want to hook up with me in a restroom?” Youngjae said. “I was half-joking when I suggested that.”

“I know,” Jackson said. “But I really do want to.”

If anyone else had asked him, Youngjae wouldn’t have hesitated to turn them down. He had always had difficulty turning Jackson down though, so he agreed. Like Jackson, Youngjae often thought about when he would be able to kiss him again, too. Unless they had a day off, part of his brain was going through their schedule, thinking of all the moments they would be able to sneak away to hold hands or kiss or just simply act like a couple. He got jealous more often than he would like to admit when he saw Mark and Jaebeom or Jinyoung and Bambam being so open and uncaring of who saw them. Youngjae always felt like he had to look over his shoulder when he was with Jackson.

He would have to get used to it though. Youngjae planned on spending the rest of his life with him, so he would have to get accustomed to a life of looking over his shoulder.


	21. Chapter 21

“I have an idea,” Jackson said. “It’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”

“I can’t wait to hear it then,” Youngjae said.

“I’m going to stay on this bed and I’m not going to move,” he said. “Genius, right?”

“You really are the smartest person I know.”

Jackson was lying on his stomach on the bed, his face planted into the sheets which made his voice sound muffled. Coco was sitting next to him. Every few seconds Jackson would raise his hand to pet her head.

“I know you’re making fun of me,” Jackson said, “but I don’t care. I’m too tired.”

“Well, you should use today and tomorrow to rest then,” Youngjae said. “Thanks to Jinyoung’s rut we have two days off.”

“Don’t remind me,” Jackson said. “I’m happy we have a break, but I don’t need to think about Jinyoung fucking Bam right now.”

They were in the middle of their promotions for their new album. Working so much was always tiring, but Youngjae felt energized most days. He liked working and keeping busy. There was a big difference from his amount of work and Jackson’s though. As soon as their promotions ended, Jackson would be back on a plane to China. Youngjae would miss him while he was gone, but he knew he would worry even more. Whenever he left, all Youngjae could do was worry about him overworking himself.

“I’m sorry I made you think about that,” Youngjae said, leaning down to kiss Jackson’s shoulder. “Do you want me to help you relax?” He lied down on the bed next to him. “I could ride you. Or suck you off. Or eat you out.”

Jackson rolled over onto his back so that he could look at him.

“I can’t believe you’re saying such vulgar things in front of our daughter,” Jackson said. “Coco is still an innocent child.”

“She’s not as innocent as she looks,” Youngjae said. “You should see what she does to my pillow when I’m not paying attention to her.”

“I did not need that image in my head.”

“But since when is she _our_ daughter?” Youngjae asked. “I adopted her with Mark-hyung, not you.”

“Mark can’t be her father anymore,” Jackson said. “He has to look after all of Jaebeom’s cats. And Yugyeom. He has his hands full.”

“Did you just liken Yugyeom to a pet?”

“No,” Jackson said. “Well, maybe. To be fair, Mark has to look after Jaebeom, too. They can both be his pets.”

“Now you’re the one putting weird images in my head,” Youngjae said.

“Let’s just call an end to that entire conversation,” Jackson said. “Come here. Let me hold you.”

“You’re so clingy,” Youngjae said.

He wasn’t actually complaining though. Youngjae curled up against Jackson, resting his head against his chest.

His brother had officially moved out of the apartment and Jackson had somewhat moved in. Youngjae’s name was the only one on the lease. Jackson went back and forth between Korea and China so often that he didn’t live there full time. Sometimes if he was with his producer friends, Jackson would crash at their place for a few days while he was in Korea. So, Youngjae didn’t officially have a live-in-boyfriend, but the situation was pretty close.

“It’s very nice of you to suggest we have sex to help me relax,” Jackson said. “I’m not really in the mood tonight. I’d rather cuddle and go to bed early.”

“Oh no.”

“What?”

“We’re slowly turning into that couple, aren’t we?”

“What couple?”

“The boring couple,” Youngjae said. “We’ve been together for six months and the days of our youth are already behind us. You’re going to start suggesting that we eat dinner at 5 o’clock.”

“An early dinner doesn’t sound that bad,” Jackson said. “It’s probably good for digestion.”

“ _Hyung_.”

“Yeah, I hear it now,” Jackson said. “Baby, we’re boring.”

Youngjae couldn’t remember the last time they went on a date or went to a bar or did anything that couples their age did. When they were both in Korea they tended to always stay in, ordering food and watching movies and making their way through the Kama Sutra (Jackson’s idea, not his.) Their relationship felt very settled, and that wasn’t a bad thing. Youngjae loved how secure he felt when he was with Jackson. He didn’t worry so much anymore.

“We are pretty boring,” Youngjae said. “We should do something fun together. Let’s take a trip.”

As soon as he said it, he regretted it. Youngjae never wanted Jackson to feel guilty for his busy schedule. He knew how important his solo career was to him and he supported him completely. It was still difficult, not being able to see him for months at a time.

“I’d love that,” Jackson said. “We can’t really do that anytime soon though.”

“I know,” Youngjae said. He hated how apologetic Jackson sounded. “That can be something we look forward to in the future. We’ve got time to plan something like that.”

“Yeah, of course,” Jackson said. “What’s another fun thing we could do instead?”

“You should think of something, hyung,” Youngjae said. “I’m sure you have plenty of good ideas.”

Youngjae tried not to laugh as he watched Jackson. He had always been an expressive thinker. Jackson was terrible at masking his emotions. Everything he was feeling and thinking was always written all over his face.

“Okay, this is a terrible idea,” Jackson said. “But I’m just going to say it because it’s the first thing that came to mind when I thought of what rich couples do for fun.”

“I’m intrigued.”

“We could get a sugar baby.”

“ _No_.”

He was relieved that Jackson burst into laughter as soon as he suggested it. Youngjae thought it was absolutely ridiculous, and not at all what he wanted. It did sound like something that bored couples with too much money did though.

“Why was that the first thing that came to your mind?” Youngjae asked. “I thought you were going to suggest we go skydiving or something dangerous.”

“To be fair, having a sugar baby with our careers would be dangerous,” Jackson said. “And I only thought of it because… You have to promise not to tell the other guys.”

“I promise,” Youngjae said. “Even though I have no idea what you’re about to tell me and, to be honest, I’m a little worried.”

“It’s nothing bad, don’t worry,” Jackson said. “It’s just a little embarrassing.” He took a deep breath, like he had to prepare himself for what he was about to say. “A couple of years ago, when I was just starting my solo schedules in China, I was approached by a married couple to, uh, join them in, well–”

“You were a sugar baby?”

“No,” Jackson said quickly. “I didn’t – I didn’t accept. I turned them down because I was terrified, but yeah, I was asked to be one.”

“Wow,” Youngjae said. “My boyfriend, the almost sugar baby.”

“Are you going to start making fun of me now?”

“I’m tempted,” Youngjae said. “But, no, I’m not going to make fun of you.”

It was strange, trying to imagine someone approaching Jackson with that kind of offer. When he thought of relationships like that, he always pictured couples going for quiet and timid people. Jackson was the exact opposite of that. He wondered what they saw in him to propose that kind of relationship.

“I’ve run into them a few times since I turned them down,” Jackson said. “They’re always nice to me.”

“Not too nice, I hope,” Youngjae said.

“They keep things professional,” Jackson said. “Well, besides asking me to sleep with them in exchange for money and lavish gifts. You don’t have anything to worry about. You’re the only one for me.”

“I know,” Youngjae said. He kissed Jackson, keeping it short and sweet. “Can I confess something?”

“Someone asked you to be their sugar baby, too?”

“No,” Youngjae said, rolling his eyes. “I just… think it’s kind of hot. The thought of you being spoiled by some rich couple who adores you.”

“Is this your way of telling me you want to try roleplaying?” Jackson asked.

“It is impossible to have a serious conversation with you.”

Jackson laughed, loud and bright and unrestrained. It was nice to see that even though he was exhausted, he could still be so open and happy when he was with Youngjae. Jackson pulled him closer to his chest, pressing a series of noisy kisses to the top of Youngjae’s head.

“I get what you’re saying,” Jackson said. “Thinking about you being spoiled turns me on, too. But in my mind, I’m the one doing the spoiling.”

“Oh, really?” Youngjae said. “And how exactly do you spoil me, in your mind?”

“In the normal ways, I guess,” Jackson said. “A nicer apartment, nice clothes, expensive jewelry, making you come and taking care of you.”

“The theme of that list changed very quickly,” Youngjae said.

“I’m in bed with you and I’m tired,” Jackson said. “My mind was always going to go right to sex.”

He kissed the top of Youngjae’s head again. Youngjae was slowly learning that that was Jackson’s go to move whenever he was holding him. It was like he couldn’t be close to Youngjae without showing some sort of affection. Top of the head kisses seemed to be his favorite thing to do.

“But you’re too tired for sex tonight?” Youngjae asked.

“Baby, I could jerk you off, if you want to,” he said, “but don’t expect me to do anything else. I don’t want you to do anything for me either. I really do just want to sleep.”

“We don’t need to do anything tonight,” Youngjae said. “I’m tired, too.”

Even though Youngjae knew they could easily fall asleep any minute, he made an effort to change into his pajamas and wash his face first. He dragged Jackson with him to the bathroom so that they could do their nighttime routines together. It was very domestic and also a little boring, but he didn’t mind. Youngjae liked it. He liked all of the small things he did with Jackson. Every moment they had together was worth cherishing in his eyes.

***

Youngjae woke up to his phone ringing. He reached his arm out, hitting the top of his nightstand a few times before he came in contact with his phone. After putting it to his ear, and making sure he didn’t have it upside down, he answered.

“Hello?”

“I’m sorry, I know it’s early,” Bambam said from the other line. “I just really need someone right now. Can you come over? And make Jackson promise not to get violent if he comes too?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said, sitting up in bed. He didn’t know what was going on, but Bambam sounded upset. “I’ll be right there.”

Bambam hung up, so Youngjae wasn’t able to ask him anymore questions. He hit Jackson’s shoulder a few times in an attempt to wake him.

“What’s going on?” Jackson said. His voice was thick from sleep and he rolled over onto his stomach, holding on tight to his pillow.

“Something’s wrong with Bambam,” Youngjae said. “He asked if we could come over.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know,” Youngjae said. “He didn’t say. He just told me to make you promise that you wouldn’t get violent.”

“Violent?” Jackson said. He sounded like he was slowly becoming more awake. “Why would I…” His eyes finally opened and his eyebrows knitted together, like he was angry. “Jinyoung. It’s their first time being together while he’s in rut. That bastard must have hurt him.”

“We don’t know that,” Youngjae said. “Let’s not make assumptions before we get there.”

“It’s too late for that,” Jackson said, getting out of bed. “If I get there and I see a single tear in one of Bam’s precious little eyes, I hope Park Jinyoung is ready for me to beat the shit out of him.”

“Maybe you should stay here.”

“Jae, if I stay here without knowing what’s going on, I’m going to assume Jinyoung fucked up and I’ll go find him and punch him.”

“Okay, you should come with me then.”

They got ready quickly so that Bambam wouldn’t be waiting for long. Something must have happened with Jinyoung. He tried to stop himself from thinking of every single scenario that could have led to this. Youngjae needed to hear what happened from Bambam, not let his mind run wild with different ideas.

His apartment wasn’t too far from Bambam’s, so they didn’t spend long in the taxi. He texted Bambam when they got there so that he would know to come to the door to let them in. During the elevator ride up to his floor, Youngjae could see how tense he was. Mark and Jackson treated Bambam like a little brother. They were both so protective of him. The only person who was more protective of him was Jinyoung, which made his phone call even more unsettling.

When Bambam opened the door of his apartment, the first things Youngjae noticed were his watery eyes and red face. Jackson moved before he could, taking Bambam into his arms and squeezing tightly.

“Where is he?” Jackson said once they were inside. “What did he do to you?”

“How do you know that he did anything?” Bambam asked.

“Brotherly instinct,” Jackson said. “Did he hurt you? Do I need to kill Jinyoung?”

“Honestly, right now, I wouldn’t stop you,” Bambam said. “But no, don’t kill him. He did hurt me though.”

They all sat down on the couch in Bambam’s living room. His four cats were walking around the room, pacing like they could sense that Bambam was upset and it was making them nervous. Youngjae knew it was only a matter of time before his allergies started to affect him. He would have to try his best to keep it under control for Bambam.

“How did he hurt you?” Youngjae asked. “Was it… physical?”

As soon as he asked, Jackson’s entire body tensed. This was what he had been waiting for. Youngjae hoped that Jinyoung hadn’t physically hurt Bambam. He didn’t think that he would, but if he did, Youngjae knew nothing could save Jinyoung from Jackson’s wrath.

“No,” Bambam said. “It’s not like that. This morning, I was looking through some of his boxes. He just moved in and his shit is everywhere. In one of them I found, well, I’ll just show you.”

Bambam went to one of the cardboard boxes on the floor. On the very top of it was a folded-up piece of paper. He handed it to Youngjae first, as if he trusted him with it more. Youngjae didn’t blame him. Jackson was a ticking time bomb right now.

He unfolded the paper and read it quickly, his heart getting heavier with each word. Not only did he feel bad for Bambam, he felt guilty. The letter was obviously one Jinyoung had written years ago. It was addressed to Mark. Jinyoung told him that he loved him and wanted to be with him and he even mentioned that they had spent one of Mark’s heats together. Youngjae remembered soon after he moved into the dorm when he walked in on the two together in the kitchen. He had forgotten all about that. It was easy to forget that Jinyoung and Mark used to sleep together. He couldn’t imagine how Bambam felt since he was just now finding out about it.

“What did he say when you showed it to him?” Youngjae asked, handing the letter to Jackson.

“That I was overreacting,” Bambam said, “and that I shouldn’t be upset.” He watched Jackson read the letter as well like he was waiting for a reaction. “I’m guessing you both already knew.”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “I’m sorry, Bam-ah. I should have told–”

“No, don’t apologize,” Bambam said. “It wasn’t your place to tell me. Mark and Jinyoung should have.”

“They really should have,” Jackson said. “Especially after you and Jinyoung started dating. I’m sorry.”

“So, I’m not being dramatic and overreacting?” Bambam said.

“Not at all,” Youngjae said. “What do you need us to do? We can watch a movie or a drama together to help distract you.”

“That sounds nice, but right now I kind of want to do something else,” Bambam said, looking at his hands in his lap. “And neither one of you is allowed to make fun of me for it.”

“Bam, making fun of you is one of my hobbies,” Jackson said. “But even I wouldn’t do that right now.”

“Good,” Bambam said. “So, can you two just, um, hold me while I cry for a little bit? Because I can feel it starting again and I don’t want to be alone right now.”

Youngjae didn’t hesitate. He put his arms around Bambam and pulled his against his chest. Jackson leaned against Bambam’s back so that he was completely enveloped in their arms. It didn’t take long for his shoulders to start shaking and for Youngjae to feel a small wet spot forming on his shirt.

They just continued to hold him. Youngjae ran his hand through his hair while he cried, doing the most that he could to help calm him down. He thought it seemed cruel that all seven of them couldn’t be happy at once. Youngjae and Jackson were finally in a good place. They were happy and making their relationship work despite it being long distance at times. Mark, Jaebeom, and Yugyeom had settled on an arrangement that worked for them. It was strange, but Mark and Jaebeom dating Yugyeom was where they were now.

Youngjae always thought that Jinyoung and Bambam’s relationship was the most stable. They had just moved in together and they looked at each with stars in their eyes. Their love was so gentle and strong and Youngjae didn’t think that anything could ever shake that. Until now at least.

He hoped there would be a time when all seven of them were finally happy with their lives. They were his family and Youngjae couldn’t stand seeing any of them in pain.


	22. Chapter 22

“You’re in a hurry,” Youngjae said, watching as Jaebeom stood by the green room’s door, bouncing on the balls of his feet. While the others were taking their time changing out of their stage outfits, Jaebeom was already dressed and ready to go. “I guess you’re eager to get back home, huh?”

“Of course I am,” Jaebeom said. “I hate that Mark is alone right now.”

“He’s injured, hyung,” Youngjae said. “He needs to be resting. Besides, he’s not alone. He’s with your five cats.”

Youngjae still had no idea how Jaebeom managed to bring five cats into their apartment without Mark throwing a fit. He was waiting for the day when Mark would bring home a puppy without consulting with Jaebeom first.

“The cats can’t keep him company like I can,” Jaebeom said. “I bet he’s lonely.”

“I’m sure he’s fine,” Youngjae said. “He’s either taking a nap or playing video games. I doubt he’s suffering without you.”

“Who’s suffering?”

Yugyeom looked just as ready to go as Jaebeom did. He joined him at the door, standing by Jaebeom’s side. The two had matching anxious expressions.

“Mark,” Jaebeom said. “He hates missing performances. I bet he’s miserable at home.”

“That’s what I was thinking, too,” Yugyeom said. “Everyone is taking too long to get changed. Do you think we can convince one of our managers to drive us back first?”

“We could ask,” Jaebeom said. He smiled softly at Yugyeom and then kissed his cheek. “I’m happy to see that I’m not the only one who’s worried.”

“Of course I’m worried too,” Yugyeom said. “I’d be just as worried if you were the one injured.”

“You would be?”

“Yeah,” Yugyeom said. “Mark-hyung isn’t the only one I love.”

It had been nearly a year since the three of them had decided to try being in a relationship. Sometimes Youngjae still got the impression that Jaebeom and Yugyeom were only pretending to have feelings for each other so that Mark would be happy. Now, seeing the two of them like this without Mark anywhere in sight, Youngjae could see that what they felt was genuine.

December was quickly coming to an end and so was 2018. It had been the most memorable year of Youngjae’s life, both professionally and personally. They were finishing the year by performing at song festivals. Mark had injured his leg and wouldn’t be able to perform, so Jaebeom and Yugyeom were understandably worried. Bambam wasn’t talking to Jinyoung. He had tried to apologize to Bambam a couple of weeks ago, and apparently it hadn’t gone well. Youngjae was still waiting for the day where all seven of them could live their lives comfortably without any drama.

“I’m ready,” Jackson announced. He walked up behind Youngjae and threw his arms around him. “I can’t wait to go home and get you in our bed.”

“To sleep?” Youngjae said.

“No,” Jackson said. “Unless you’re tired and that’s what you want to do.”

“I’m not ready to sleep yet,” Youngjae said. “I’m just surprised that you’re not tired. Usually when we get home, you always collapse on the bed and say you’re not going to move until the morning.”

“Well, tonight feels different.”

“Different how?”

“I’ll tell you when we get home.”

That definitely piqued Youngjae’s interest. He didn’t ask Jackson anymore questions though. They were about to leave and it wouldn’t take long for them to get home. He would find out whatever Jackson had in mind soon enough.

Predictably, Bambam was the last one to finish getting ready. He stayed close to Youngjae and Jackson, while Jinyoung was grouped with Jaebeom and Yugyeom. Jinyoung kept looking over his shoulder at him as they walked through the building. Every time he looked, Bambam would turn his head quickly so that Jinyoung couldn’t see that he was looking at him as well. Youngjae hoped the two could have a talk soon where they worked out their problems. He hated seeing them fight.

Despite all of his talk of not being ready to sleep, Jackson still dozed off on his shoulder during the car ride home. He never fully fell asleep though. His eyes were closed, but he kept shifting to get comfortable. Sometimes he would sit up, look around, and then lean against Youngjae’s shoulder again when he realized they weren’t close to the apartment. When they finally arrived, Jackson stumbled out of the car, stretching his arms above his head.

“There’s nothing wrong with going to sleep,” Youngjae said as they entered the building. “We can have sex another night.”

“I don’t want to sleep though,” Jackson said. “I’ve regained energy from napping in the car.”

“That was hardly napping, hyung,” Youngjae said. “You can change your mind. You don’t have to force yourself just because you’re leaving in less than a week.”

Jackson’s schedule was becoming an increasingly sensitive topic for them to talk about. At first, Youngjae kept his thoughts to himself. Every time Jackson would leave in the middle of the night to catch a flight, he would kiss him goodbye and tell him he loved him and not say anything else. Lately, Youngjae found himself becoming annoyed and aggravated when Jackson told him about his schedule. He hated that he felt this way. Youngjae never wanted Jackson to feel guilty about his work.

“And I’ll miss you like crazy while I’m gone,” Jackson said.

They entered the apartment, taking their shoes and coats off at the door. Coco came to greet them and Jackson picked her up, speaking to her in baby talk. Youngjae refilled her water bowl and checked her pee pads to see if he needed to throw any out. He usually took Coco outside to use the bathroom, but when they were so busy it was hard to go out with her every day.

“I’m feeling more awake already,” Jackson said. “I want to have sex tonight, if that’s what you want.”

“Yeah, I want to,” Youngjae said. It had been over a week since they were able to do anything more than give each other hand jobs in the shower. “I’m not really in the mood to get fucked tonight. You can fuck my thighs though; that sounds good.”

“What about fucking me?”

“Oh,” Youngjae said, his eyes widening. “Really?”

“If you want to.”

“Yes,” Youngjae said. “I very much want to do that. Why tonight of all nights though?”

“I just felt like it was time, I guess,” Jackson said, shrugging his shoulders. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while and we’ve been working up to it. I’m ready to give it a try.”

Youngjae wasn’t totally surprised that Jackson was ready now. Whenever they had the time to have slow, lazy sex, Youngjae always tried to incorporate something new. It could be as simple as pressing against Jackson’s perineum while blowing him, or as bold and obvious as eating him out or fingering him. Jackson had liked everything they tried, so Youngjae wasn’t worried about him keeping a closed mind forever when it came to bottoming.

“Okay,” Youngjae said. “So, uh, let’s go to the bedroom then.”

“Let’s do that.”

Youngjae didn’t know why this was suddenly so awkward. Jackson placed Coco on her dog bed in the living room before they went into the bedroom, closing the door behind them. They had learned the hard way how uncomfortable it was to have Coco jump up on the bed while they were having sex.

“You seem unsure,” Jackson said. “If you’re not into this, then we can do something else, like you suggested. You know I’m always down to fuck those pretty thighs of yours.”

“I’m not unsure,” Youngjae said. “I just think I’m too in my head.”

“Why?” Jackson said. “You’ve done this before.”

“Yeah, but not with you,” Youngjae said. “And when I’ve topped before, or even when I’ve had sex with girls, I was never, well, anyone’s first.” He sat down on the edge of the bed. “You were my first for almost everything. I think my mind is going back to the first time you fucked me and it wasn’t exactly… it wasn’t good. I didn’t enjoy it.”

“I know,” Jackson said. “I was very impatient and I had no idea what I was doing. This is different.”

He was right. Youngjae was more experienced than Jackson had been for his first time. He didn’t feel impatient at all either. If anything, Youngjae felt determined to draw this out and make it last as long as possible.

“I just don’t want to hurt you,” Youngjae said. “Promise me that you’ll tell me to stop if you don’t like it. I don’t mind if we can never do this. There are so many other ways we can have sex and–”

“Baby,” Jackson said, interrupting him. He placed his hands on Youngjae’s cheeks and squeezed his face together slightly to stop his speech. “You’re going to be great. If I don’t like it, I’ll let you know right away. I want to do this. Are you sure _you_ want this?”

Youngjae nodded his head as best as he could when Jackson’s hands were still holding him. He leaned forward, kissing Youngjae tenderly. It was sweet and gentle and Youngjae knew Jackson was trying to set the mood. Youngjae was determined to not fuck this up. He was going to go slow and make sure that Jackson enjoyed this as much as he did.

“I always want you,” Youngjae said once Jackson’s hands had moved to his shoulders. “I’ll never stop wanting you.”

“Then we’re both on the same page then,” Jackson said.

He stood up and, without another word, pulled his shirt over his head. Jackson had always been in good shape, but he had really upped his fitness game lately. Youngjae could admit that he was just shallow enough to feel proud of having such a gorgeous boyfriend. He couldn’t brag about his boyfriend on Instagram like everyone else could though. Sometimes he would look at Bambam’s posts with Jinyoung (when the two weren’t on break like they were now) and he would get jealous. He liked having a private relationship, but Youngjae also wouldn’t be against posting a cute photo with Jackson every once in a while.

“How do you want me?” Jackson asked as he rid himself of his final article of clothing. He was much more comfortable being naked than Youngjae could ever be. “Are we doing it missionary because you want to be romantic? Or are you going to fuck me from behind because you need to work out some pent up stress?”

“You have no shame,” Youngjae said. He finally started to undress as well. The mention of positions made a flurry of daydreams he had had over the past few months run through his mind. He had thought of every single way to fuck Jackson. Usually, he was partial to watching Jackson ride him, but that could wait for another time. “Let me open you up first, then we can decide.”

“Sounds good to me,” Jackson said.

He lied down on the bed with his head on the pillow and then folded his hands together on top of his stomach. Youngjae laughed as he noticed how stiff Jackson was.

“You’re nervous,” he said, joining him on the bed. “You know you don’t have to act like you have no fear just because I’m nervous, too.”

“I’m not nervous.”

“Yes, you are.”

“Maybe a little bit.”

Youngjae shook his head. He didn’t think he would get Jackson to openly admit that he was nervous, so he decided to help him relax instead. Youngjae settled on top of him, between his legs, and cupped Jackson’s face so that he could bring him in for a kiss. This was something they were both experts at. Jackson wrapped his arms around Youngjae’s neck, pulling him closer until they were flushed together.

Neither one of them was hard, but it didn’t take long for their cocks to start showing interest. Youngjae rutted down on him while they continued to make out. Jackson grabbed his ass, making Youngjae rub against him even harder.

“I’m going to take such good care of you tonight,” Youngjae said. He started to kiss the side of Jackson’s neck, running his hands up and down his sides.

“I know you will, baby,” Jackson said. “You already know I love it when you touch me.”

“Shouldn’t I have a cute nickname for you, too?” Youngjae said. “You’re always calling me ‘baby.’”

“Is this your way of telling me you want to call me ‘daddy?’”

“Never in a million years,” Youngjae said.

“Appa?”

“Jackson.”

“Baba?”

“ _Hyung_.”

“Oh, so you want me to call _you_ ‘daddy?’” Jackson said. His smile was wide and mischievous and Youngjae loved him so much.

“That’s an equally terrible idea,” Youngjae said. “I’ll just stick with your name.”

“I do love hearing you moan my name,” Jackson said. “So, I’ve got no complaints about that.”

Youngjae knew he was using humor to ease his nerves, so he let him. Usually they could go back and forth the entire time they had sex, making smart comments and teasing each other with their words as well as their bodies. Maybe next time Youngjae fucked him they could do that, but he wanted this time to be more focused on the actual sex.

He opened up the drawer of the nightstand, taking out a bottle of lube and a condom. They didn’t always use condoms since they were both exclusive and clean, but Youngjae was going to use one for Jackson’s first time. He wanted to do everything he could to make this as comfortable as possible.

“Turn over for me?” Youngjae said, backing away so that Jackson had plenty of room to move.

“Anything for you.”

The frottage had gotten them both hard, so Youngjae was able to take a second and watch as Jackson’s cock made contact with the mattress once he was on his stomach. His hips worked as he rubbed himself against it, moaning softly.

“Does that feel good, hyung?” Youngjae asked, pressing against his back.

“Yeah.”

“Want me to open you up while you rub against the bedspread?”

Jackson’s face flushed a pretty shade of red and Youngjae felt a deep satisfaction in knowing he made him blush from a few, simple words. He poured some lube on to his fingers and then rubbed a fingertip against Jackson’s hole. Youngjae didn’t receive any protest from Jackson, so he pushed his finger inside. They had done this before, up to two fingers, so he wasn’t too worried.

He curled his finger when it was inside, pressing against Jackson’s prostate and making him moan even louder. Youngjae couldn’t help but think about how beautiful he was. Usually when people talked about their group, Jackson was always one of the more masculine members. “Handsome” was the word most people used to describe him. Youngjae thought he was utterly beautiful though.

Two fingers went in easily enough. Jackson was relaxed and used to the sensation. Youngjae could tell that he was holding back though. His lips were pressed tightly together, like he was too afraid of the noises he would make. Youngjae didn’t ask him to stop doing it though. He felt a burst of excitement at the thought of fucking Jackson so good that he couldn’t help but make noises.

“Third finger now,” Youngjae said. “Keep relaxing. I’ll go slow.”

There was some resistance as he tried to work in another finger. Youngjae bent down to kiss the small of Jackson’s back in an attempt to get him to relax. Jackson rutted down onto the mattress some more, getting friction against his cock. Youngjae was sure that the pleasure would help him to relax more.

When he was able to have three fingers inside of him, he pulled them out, before shallowly pushing them back in. Youngjae fucked him with his fingers, watching closely to see how Jackson’s body reacted. His face was pushing against the pillow and his hips were now moving in an almost circular motion, so that his cock was constantly moving against the mattress. Youngjae was suddenly filled with a desire to ask him to turn back over. He wanted to see how red and wet his cock was. Jackson was probably leaking. Youngjae almost wanted to scold him for making such a mess, but he shot that idea down. That could wait for another time.

“You’re doing so good, hyung,” Youngjae said as he pumped his fingers. “Does this feel good?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you ready for me to fuck you?” Youngjae asked. “I want to fuck you so bad, hyung.”

“Then do it.”

Youngjae kissed the back of his shoulder. His fingers grazed against Jackson’s prostate, making his body jerk.

“Can you ask for it though?” Youngjae said. “Can you be good for me and ask me to fuck you?”

“I… I thought I already did,” Jackson said. He was fighting to keep his words steady. “When we got home, I said–”

“I want you to ask for it now though,” Youngjae said. “I want to hear what it sounds like when you’re feeling this good, just from three fingers.”

Jackson groaned, his hips moving back onto Youngjae’s hand. He was so wanton and unashamed of his own pleasure. The sight of it made Youngjae even harder. He wanted him so badly.

“Please, fuck me,” Jackson said. “I want you to fuck me, Jae.”

His words took on a slightly whiny, pleading tone that was only serving to turn Youngjae on even more. He already knew that having Jackson like this on a regular basis was going to become addicting.

“That’s my good hyung,” Youngjae said. “You’re so pretty when you ask nicely.”

He positioned himself behind Jackson and quickly put on the condom. Youngjae pressed the blunt head of his cock against Jackson’s hole. He allowed Jackson a moment to get comfortable, before he pushed inside. Youngjae instantly groaned at how tight he felt. He was opening up so easily. Youngjae slid into him without needing to stop and let Jackson adjust. His body was surrendering to him completely.

“You feel so good,” Youngjae said, kissing just under his ear. “Do you need a moment to–”

“No,” Jackson said before he could finish his sentence. “Just go. Just fuck me.”

Youngjae held on to one of his hands, lacing their fingers together and pushing their hands against the mattress so that he could use it as leverage. His other hand was holding on tightly to Jackson’s hip. He started to fuck him in short, slow strokes. Each one made Jackson moan and clench around him. It was amazing, seeing him feel so much from so little.

He loved it when Jackson made him fall apart. There weren’t many things he loved more in life than having Jackson fuck him, taking care of him in such an intimate way. Finally being able to return the favor was so heady. Youngjae felt hot all over, watching Jackson clutch at the pillow under his head and let out low, broken moans. There was nothing like watching the person he loved be so open and lose himself to pleasure.

“Doing so good, hyung,” Youngjae said. “Love you so much.”

At those words, Jackson pushed back at him again, like he was encouraging Youngjae to go even harder. Youngjae had no problem doing what was silently asked of him. His grip on Jackson’s hip tightened and he fucked into him in short, hard thrusts.

It went beyond all of Youngjae’s expectations and he knew that had everything to do with Jackson. How open and willing he was to this helped to make Youngjae so relaxed. If Jackson had been obviously nervous, Youngjae knew he would have been a fumbling mess. Instead, Jackson was confident, so he was too.

Youngjae came first, his hips jerking to a halt inside of him. He stilled, trying to collect himself after such a sudden and intense orgasm. Once he could catch his breath, he reached one of his hands under Jackson, grabbing his cock and giving it a few pulls until he was spilling over Youngjae’s hand.

“Fuck,” Jackson said once they were laying side-by-side on the bed. “That was good.”

“Agreed,” Youngjae said. “You really liked it?”

It was a stupid question. They both knew how much Jackson had enjoyed it. Still, Youngjae felt that it was important to ask.

“Yeah, a lot,” Jackson said. “I should have known about you though.”

“Known what about me?”

“That you like picking on me,” Jackson said. “As soon as you left me at that shabu-shabu restaurant with the bill, I should have known what a demon you secretly were.”

“Hyung, that was months ago–”

“And I’ll never forget it,” Jackson said. “You look like an angel, but you’re actually a devil.”

Youngjae couldn’t help but laugh at the statement. Jackson grinned at him and Youngjae took in how his hair was sweaty and his skin was still flushed and how his eyes still looked a bit hazy. He was beautiful.

“I love you so much,” Youngjae said.

“I love you, too, baby,” Jackson said. “I can’t wait to fuck you senseless tomorrow.”

“Two days in a row?” Youngjae said. “So ambitious.”

“I’m all about ambition,” Jackson said.

He pulled Youngjae in for a kiss. In a few minutes they would get cleaned up and change the sheets and open the door for Coco so that she could sleep with them. It was simple and domestic and all Youngjae had ever wanted.


	23. Chapter 23

Youngjae leaned against the brick wall in the alley, his phone was pressed to his ear and he was trying his best not to lash out and start yelling. Fighting never worked for him and Jackson. It only ever led to them avoiding each other for months. He needed to keep his emotions in check.

“What did you just say?” Youngjae said. He was hoping he had misheard Jackson. “Did you seriously just suggest an open relationship?”

“Yes,” Jackson said without hesitation. “Yeah, I did.”

He sighed and Youngjae could perfectly imagine him, in some nice hotel in Los Angeles. It would be early morning for him, since it was night time in Kobe, where Youngjae was. They only had two concerts in Japan before they headed back to Seoul. Jackson was working on promoting his solo music in America and Youngjae was proud of him, like he always was.

“Is that what you want?” Youngjae asked. “You’ve never talked about this before. Is there… Is there someone else you–”

“No,” Jackson said. “No, baby, you know there’s no one else. I love you. You’re the only one I love, you–”

“Then why did you just suggest an open relationship?”

Sometimes it was impossible to track what went on in Jackson’s mind. Youngjae had known him for almost six years and he was still struggling to figure out how he organized his thoughts.

“Because we don’t see each other that often,” Jackson said. “It’s February and I won’t be back in Seoul until April, at the earliest. I’m working so much and I don’t like the thought of you being lonely without me. I can’t be there for you right now, so if you want to… be with other people, then that’s fine.”

Youngjae pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to unpack all of that information. He was annoyed and his pride was bruised and he would not get angry. Youngjae refused to get angry and start a fight. He wasn’t sure they could survive another screaming match if this got out of hand.

“Would you be fucking other people too?” Youngjae said.

“No, I don’t have the time,” Jackson said. “I’m working constantly. I’m lucky if I can get eight hours of sleep. Hooking up isn’t really my top priority.”

“So, you want me to fuck other people because I’m not busy, I don’t have any work, and I have a ton of free time.”

“That’s…” Jackson seemed to finally realize that Youngjae was trapping him. “I didn’t mean it like that. I just think it’s unfair that you have to wait for me. If you want to have sex with someone else, that’s fine. I don’t want you to start a relationship with anyone. No feelings involved sex is fine with me. It’s just sex.”

“Are you saying that you feel nothing when we have sex?”

“Baby.” Youngjae could tell just by Jackson’s tone that he was holding himself back as well. “You know that’s not true.”

“Do you like the idea of me having sex with other people?” Youngjae asked. “Is this some kind of kink?”

“No, it’s not a kink,” Jackson said. “I don’t like the idea of it, but I don’t mind it either. Just as long as you tell me who you’re hooking up with, then I’m fine with it. We only see each other for six months out of a year. If you want to be with other people while I’m not there, then go ahead.”

He could understand Jackson’s reasoning, but it still didn’t sit well with him. Of course Youngjae got lonely while he was gone. A part of that loneliness came from missing sex. He didn’t think having sex with a stranger would help though. Youngjae might enjoy the actual act, but once it was over he knew he would feel empty.

Open relationships worked for other people, and he was never one to judge the choices of consenting adults, but Youngjae couldn’t see it working for him.

“I don’t want that, hyung,” Youngjae said. “You’re the only person I want to have sex with. I don’t like thinking about you with other people either. I miss you when we’re apart, but phone sex exists for a reason. We could even try sexting.”

“Ooh sexting?” Jackson said. “You want me to send you naked pics and write out a fantasy?”

“It depends on how good of a writer you are,” Youngjae said.

Jackson laughed and Youngjae let himself relax. He hoped that was the last of the open relationship conversation. Strangely enough, it wasn’t the idea of Jackson suggesting that he had sex with other people that bothered him the most. What was the most troubling was Jackson implying that Youngjae had all of the free time in the world to have sex, but Jackson was too busy working to even think about it.

“I’ll send you some rough drafts,” Jackson said. “Where are you right now? Hotel room? The concerts start tomorrow, right?”

“I’m actually outside,” Youngjae said. “I went drinking with some of the backup dancers. The others are at the hotel.”

Jinyoung and Bambam had finally made up. Youngjae might have had a small part in that happening. He was getting tired of Bambam coming to him, complaining about all of their issues while Jinyoung avoided him. Youngjae cornered Jinyoung at the company one day, telling him to get his act together. The two went on vacation in Thailand with Bambam’s family and had come back, acting as if they had never had a falling out to begin with.

Jaebeom told Youngjae that he was thinking about asking Mark to mate with him. They were getting more serious about each other by the day. It made Youngjae worry about Yugyeom. He didn’t know how the two of them would be able to keep him in their relationship for much longer. Every step Mark and Jaebeom took together seemed to leave Yugyeom behind.

“You shouldn’t stay up too late,” Jackson said. “I don’t want you to be hungover for the concert.”

“I’ve had one beer the entire night,” Youngjae said. “It’s not even midnight yet. I’ll be fine.”

“What dancers came with you to the bar?”

It sounded like a casual, harmless question, but Youngjae could recognize it for what it truly was.

“Yes, Matthew is here,” Youngjae said.

“Oh,” Jackson said. “Well, that makes sense. He’s worked with us for years. You two still get along. That’s good.”

“Are you trying to earn a trophy for ‘World’s Greatest Boyfriend’ by being cool that I’m hanging out with my ex?”

“Maybe,” Jackson said. “Is it working?”

“Not really.”

“You could always see right through me,” Jackson said. “He could be a good choice.”

“A good choice for what?”

“For someone casual for you to hook up with,” Jackson said. “He’s a safe option. You won’t have to worry about him telling anyone.”

Youngjae should have known that Jackson wouldn’t let it go. Once he had an idea in his head, he wouldn’t give it up. Youngjae wanted to tell him, as clearly as he could, that he had no interest in being with Matthew again. He didn’t want to be with anyone who wasn’t Jackson.

His patience was running thin though. Youngjae didn’t want to talk about this anymore. If this conversation went on for much longer, then he knew he would say things he would end up regretting.

“I have to go, hyung,” Youngjae said. “We’re heading back to the hotel. I’ll call you tomorrow or, well, tomorrow for me, later today for you.”

“Yeah, you need to get some sleep,” Jackson said. “Think about what I said, okay? I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Youngjae said.

He ended the call right away. Youngjae knew that they would talk about it later, but right now he couldn’t stand listening to Jackson anymore. He knew that Jackson was feeling guilty. The last time he saw Jackson was a few weeks ago. He left in the middle of the night, waking Youngjae up to kiss him a few times before he left. Youngjae’s heart had been aching ever since. He missed him and he knew it would never get any easier. Jackson would continue working on his career in three different countries. He would be leaving Youngjae thousands of more times. Youngjae needed to get used to it.

“There you are.” Matthew walked into the alley, concern clearly displayed on his face. “You said you needed to use the restroom and then you never came back.”

“I got a phone call,” Youngjae said. “I think I’m going to head back to the hotel, too.”

“I’ll go with you,” Matthew said. “We can share a taxi.”

“Okay, thanks.”

Matthew went back into the bar only to tell the others that they were leaving. The hotel was close enough to walk to, but the night air was freezing around them. It was early February and the weather definitely reflected that. Youngjae had never liked the cold.

Plenty of taxis passed them on the street, so Youngjae didn’t have any problem waving one down. He opened the door to the backseat of the one that stopped, just as Matthew came out of the bar.

“No one else wanted to head back yet?” Youngjae asked as they slid into the car.

“They all want to keep drinking,” Matthew said with a shrug. He told the driver the name of their hotel. “Who called you? You seem upset. Is everything all right?”

“Everything’s fine,” Youngjae said. The words sounded fake and forced. He glanced at Matthew and could instantly tell that he didn’t believe him. “My boyfriend said we should try an open relationship. But only I should sleep with other people, because his schedule is so busy he doesn’t have the time to fuck people.”

“What a dick,” Matthew said.

“Right?”

Youngjae looked out the window, watching the headlights and the neon signs of bars and shops they passed by. The lights started to mess with his eyes so he squeezed them shut instead.

“At least Jackson isn’t the possessive type,” Matthew said. “I don’t know how Bambam deals with Jinyoung. I feel bad for any alpha that even glances at Bambam. Jinyoung always treats them like a threat.”

“Even before they started dating, Jinyoung was possessive of Bam,” Youngjae said. “I think Bambam likes it though, so it’s not… I didn’t say anything about Jackson.”

“Yes, you did,” Matthew said. “You said your boyfriend suggested an open relationship. Jackson’s your boyfriend.”

“No one knows that we’re together,” Youngjae said, feeling panic well up inside of him. “Just the guys in the group and my family. How did–”

“I’m observant,” Matthew said. “And I know you. I haven’t told anyone, and I’m not going to either. You can trust me.”

He reached across the middle seat, grabbed Youngjae’s hand, and gave it a squeeze. Instantly, Youngjae was transported back to the summer they spent together. It had been everything Youngjae had wanted when he was in high school and dreaming about his future partner. Matthew was sweet and funny and everything with him was so easy. He never felt like he was fighting their relationship. They could simply exist together and it had been great.

The only thing their relationship had lacked was passion. Not the sexual kind either. They lacked the passion that made Youngjae want to fight for him and hold on to him forever. Sometimes he thought that he had too much passion when it came to Jackson. It was like they were a bomb, waiting to explode.

“Thanks,” Youngjae said, pulling his hand away. “It’s just hard, I guess, being apart so much. He says things he doesn’t mean sometimes. I’m sure when I call him tomorrow he’ll take it all back.”

“Do you really want him to though?” Matthew asked. “It’s not a bad idea, opening your relationship. A lot of people do it when they’re long distance. It’s not immoral if you’re both honest about it.”

“I know,” Youngjae said. “Maybe in five years, if we’re still spending this much time apart I won’t mind it as much. We haven’t even been together for a year though. I feel like he brought up the idea too soon.”

“You should tell him that then,” Matthew said.

They arrived back at the hotel and Youngjae didn’t know what else to say to him. The elevator ride up to their floor was quiet. He was grateful that things didn’t end badly between them. They were still able to maintain their professional relationship and be friendly with each other. It made Youngjae feel more mature, having an ex who he still talked to and was on good terms with.

“I guess I should wish you goodnight now,” Matthew said, stopping outside of his room door. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Good luck with Jackson.”

“You think I’ll need luck?” Youngjae asked.

“Not really,” Matthew said. “I think you two will be just fine. Talk to him. Say everything you want to say and don’t hold back.”

He placed his hand on Youngjae’s shoulder and gave it a squeeze. After one more sweet smile, Matthew entered his hotel room and closed the door. Youngjae stood out in the hallway for almost a minute, staring at the door and trying to organize his thoughts. Jackson had really messed with his head. A good night’s sleep would hopefully help to clear it.

Youngjae went to his own hotel room. Yugyeom was supposed to be his roommate, but he had brought his things into Mark and Jaebeom’s room after they arrived. Youngjae liked having a room to himself, so he didn’t mind. He went through his nighttime routine as if he was on autopilot. Once he was tucked in to his bed, he sent Jackson a quick text before falling asleep.

**Just got back to the hotel. Going to sleep now. I love you. Have a good day.**

*******

The six of them ate breakfast in the hotel’s café the next morning. Youngjae quietly ate his food, observing the others and how they interacted with each other. Bambam was practically sitting on Jinyoung’s lap. Jinyoung’s arm was wound tightly around his waist, holding him in place. That type of behavior would make Youngjae uncomfortable, but Bambam seemed to be glowing because of the attention.

Jaebeom’s arm was around Mark’s shoulder. He kept pressing kisses to his neck every few minutes, resulting in Mark lightly shoving him away. They were both smiling. Yugyeom had a hand on Mark’s thigh under the table.

Youngjae looked down at his food. His appetite was nonexistent that morning. He pushed around the perfectly shaped tamagoyaki on his plate with his chopsticks. His bowl of miso soup was still full and more than likely lukewarm by now.

“Are you all right, hyung?” Yugyeom asked.

He looked up to see not just Yugyeom, but all of them, looking at him with concern. Even Jinyoung and Bambam had stopped paying attention to each other to look at him instead. Youngjae was flattered.

“I’m fine,” Youngjae said. “Just a little tired.”

“What time did you come back to the hotel last night?” Jinyoung asked.

“A little after midnight.”

“That’s not that late,” Bambam said.

“I had trouble falling asleep.”

That was a lie. Youngjae had slept like a baby last night. As soon as he hit “send” on the text to Jackson, he had been out like a light. His body was well rested, but all he could think about was going to sleep. He knew that if he didn’t convince them that he was fine that they would push for answers. Jaebeom would be relentless and not leave him alone until he told him what was going on. His relationship with Jackson used to be so rocky though and he didn’t want to tell them anything that would give them a negative opinion of Jackson.

“I’ll be fine,” Youngjae said. “I’ll sleep during the drive to the concert hall.”

“Okay,” Jaebeom said. “If that’s really all that’s going on.”

“It is,” Youngjae said, maybe a bit too quickly. “I’m all right.”

They all went back to their breakfast and Youngjae managed to force down the food. His phone vibrated in his pocket and he took it out to see a thread of texts from Jackson. The most recent one was the first one he saw.

**DISREGARD THE OTHER TEXTS.**

Youngjae had never been so intrigued to read a string of text messages in his life. He scrolled up to the top and almost choked around a mouthful of mackerel. A photo of Jackson’s cock, perfectly centered and well-lit and completely hard, greeted him along with one of the longest texts Youngjae had ever received. He skimmed through it, pressing his lips together so that he could stop himself from laughing.

Jackson had written an incredibly short story that started by setting the scene: **A long time ago. Ancient times. I’m an emperor and you’re the son of a nobleman. We fall in love. It’s very forbidden. And sexy.**

Following that was a long description of them having sex. Youngjae had a hard time picturing the positions they were in though and he felt a bit intimidated, since the fictional version of himself was able to come three times in one night.

**You’re reading it, aren’t you? Don’t laugh. I was writing it as a rough draft and I accidently pressed send.**

“I’m going to the restroom,” Youngjae said, excusing himself from the table.

He went to the restroom in the lobby without looking at the others. Once he checked to make sure no one else was in there, he called Jackson.

“Was the dick pic also an accident?” Youngjae asked as soon as Jackson answered the phone.

“No,” Jackson said. “I’ll admit that that was intentional. I know it’s like 8am for you now and I liked the thought of you touching yourself and thinking about me first thing in the morning.”

“I’m eating breakfast with the other guys,” Youngjae said. “You should have sent it earlier.”

“I was doing a radio interview,” Jackson said. “It didn’t seem polite to send it then.”

“Well, I appreciate the thought,” Youngjae said. “I’m sure I’ll enjoy the photo and your little story later tonight.”

“Please don’t talk about the story.”

“You really think you can make me come three times in one night?”

“I’m willing to give it a try,” Jackson said.

“Then I’m looking forward to it, Huáng Shàng.”

“Fuck, you’re not allowed to do that,” Jackson said. “You know I think it’s sexy when you speak Chinese.”

Youngjae laughed. He loved talking to him like this, when the topic of their conversation was silly and light and Jackson could make him laugh with every other word.

“I have to get going,” Youngjae said. “Good luck with work today.”

“You already have to go?” Jackson asked. “You can’t spare some time to go back up to your room for a bit? Let me talk to you while you touch yourself. I want to hear you come.”

“Hyung, that’s–” Youngjae was surprised that he suddenly felt breathless, just from a few words. “That sounds… amazing, but I can’t. I’m busy today, too. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” He bit his lip to think. “And I might even record something special for you tonight.”

“Okay, I’m definitely looking forward to that now,” Jackson said. “But if you are, you know, feeling frustrated, I really won’t mind if you find someone–”

The ease of their conversation was instantly lost. Youngjae’s smile dropped from his face. The door to the bathroom opened and an elderly man walked in. Youngjae assumed that he didn’t know Korean, but he still didn’t want to take any chances.

“I really have to go now,” Youngjae said. “I love you. Bye, hyung.”

“I love you, too.”

Youngjae hung up before he could hear anything else Jackson had to say. Their conversation had started to make him feel better, but now he felt like his mood was even sourer than it was before. Jackson had a way of bringing him down just as easily as he lifted him up.


	24. Chapter 24

Youngjae sat on the bathroom floor next to Mark, stroking the back of Mark’s head as he pressed his forehead against the rim of the toilet seat. They had been sitting there for nearly five minutes, waiting to see if another wave of nausea would crash over him. Mark seemed to be all right though. The mating bite mark on his neck had faded to something less angry and red. He wasn’t anxious when he wasn’t near Jaebeom anymore. Morning sickness was his biggest worry lately.

“Do you think it’s passed?” Youngjae asked, continuing to stroke his hair. He had dyed it platinum blond for their comeback. Youngjae thought the color made Mark look even more angelic. “Or do you want to wait a bit longer?”

“It’s gone,” Mark said.

He flushed the toilet and slowly got back to his feet. Mark put his hands on the edge of the counter, taking a few even breaths until he looked at himself in the mirror, wincing. His face had lost all color and there was sweat beading at his forehead.

Youngjae stood in silence as he watched Mark quickly wipe his mouth and brush his teeth. He kept one of his hands on his back, just in case Mark’s legs got weak and Youngjae would need to keep him steady.

“Being pregnant looks like a lot of fun,” Youngjae said.

“I hate it,” Mark said. “Don’t tell Bam I said that though. I’ve been acting like it’s easy in front of him.”

“He’s not a little kid anymore,” Youngjae said as they walked into Mark and Jaebeom’s living room. “You don’t have to lie to protect him.”

“I know,” Mark said. “I’ll talk to him about it whenever he has his first kid.”

“Which should be at least ten years from now.”

“At least.”

They both laughed. It was a nice sound to hear from Mark. Ever since Youngjae had learned about his mating with Jaebeom, and the resulting pregnancy, Mark hadn’t been himself. He had always been quiet and introverted, but those traits had gotten only stronger recently.

Youngjae didn’t know how much longer he could stay at the apartment though. Mark had put Jaebeom’s five cats away in another room, but their fur was still everywhere and his allergies were bad. Mark had adopted a puppy a few months ago, a tiny poodle named Milo, who was luckily hypoallergenic like Coco was, so Youngjae had no issues around him.

“You’re going to Singapore this weekend, right?” Youngjae asked.

“Yeah,” Mark said. “It’s their last stop and they asked me to MC again, so I’m going. I really don’t want to though.”

“Does flying make your morning sickness worse?”

“No,” Mark said. He lied down on the couch, putting his hands over his face. “This is going to sound bad, but I really can’t be around both of them at the same time.”

He didn’t think Mark’s confession sounded bad at all. Youngjae could understand why he was so stressed. Jaebeom and Yugyeom had debuted in a subunit last month. They were currently on a quick showcase tour throughout Asia and Mark was the chosen MC for most of the stops. Youngjae had done it in Japan and Bambam was with them in Thailand right now.

The subunit was a great idea. They worked well together and being in a relationship seemed to make their work even better. Jaebeom and Mark had gotten mated though, and Mark was pregnant. Youngjae couldn’t even look at Yugyeom without feeling sorry for him. The three still insisted that they were all together, but Youngjae couldn’t see it lasting for much longer. Mark and Jaebeom had taken two huge steps together and Yugyeom was barely holding on to them.

“Are you two going to break up with Yugyeom?” Youngjae asked.

He knew he wasn’t being delicate, wording the question that way, but Youngjae felt like it was important to be honest. What they had was personal, but their relationship affected the group, so Youngjae felt like he had a right to know what was going on. The least Mark could do was give him a vague answer.

“No,” Mark said. “I don’t want to. Jaebeom doesn’t want to either. I just don’t know how to make Yugyeom know that that’s how we feel. Jaebeom hates talking about his feelings and Yugyeom never believes us when we say we’re still committed to him. Whenever the three of us are together, it’s like I’m talking to two little kids who want me to fix everything.” He groaned, shaking his head from side to side. “But I don’t know how to fix shit.”

“You shouldn’t have to fix everything on your own,” Youngjae said.

“I know,” Mark said. “That’s easier said than done though.”

Milo, who Youngjae had quickly learned had five times as much energy as Coco, jumped up on to the couch next to Mark, barking at him and hitting him with his paw. Mark smiled, petting his head and giving him kisses. Youngjae thought about bringing Coco with him to visit, but had decided against it. Now he was regretting not being able to see the two dogs play together.

“Have you heard from Jackson lately?” Mark asked.

“We talked on the phone yesterday,” Youngjae said. “He’s in China. He’ll be in Korea soon, for the comeback.”

“That sucks.”

“It sucks that he’ll be back soon?”

“No, it sucks that you only see him when we’re working,” Mark said.

“Yeah, it’s not the best,” Youngjae said.

He felt almost bad, talking about Jackson when Mark was in such a difficult situation. Mark had been the one to bring up Jackson though, so Youngjae imagined he wanted a distraction.

“He told me about the open relationship thing,” Mark said.

“Does everyone know about that now?”

“You told Bam and Yugyeom, and he told me and Jinyoung, and I told Jaebeom, so yeah, everyone knows.”

“Great.”

Youngjae wasn’t even surprised that everyone in their group knew. It was difficult to keep secrets when they were all so close, and when everyone was dating someone else in the group.

“I’m guessing you haven’t taken him up on his offer?” Mark asked.

“No, I haven’t,” Youngjae said. “I don’t want to either. I’ve told him so many times that it’s not what I want, but he keeps bringing it up.”

“I think it’s because he’s been feeling really guilty lately,” Mark said. “You know how he gets. When he sees a problem, he tries to fix it, using any means necessary.”

“There’s not the issue though,” Youngjae said. “I don’t mind that our relationship is long distance at times. Waiting for him isn’t a problem.”

“What’s the problem then?”

That wasn’t an easy question to answer. None of Mark’s questions were ever easy. Sometimes Youngjae thought that he had some kind of superpower. He always seemed to be able to see right through all of them. Mark didn’t like talking about himself, but he wanted to hear about everything that was going on in his friend’s lives.

“I feel shitty for saying it,” Youngjae said. “Please don’t tell Jackson what I’m about to say. I’ll say it to him myself the next time I see him.”

“Okay,” Mark said. “I won’t tell him.”

“I just…” Youngjae sighed, running a hand through his hair. “I just think that he’s insecure about our relationship. It’s the only reason that makes sense to me. I think he blames himself for us taking so long to actually be together. He still feels bad about hurting me, so now he’s trying to make up for it by giving me everything he _thinks_ I want. But he’s pushing too much on to me now. I don’t want other people. I just want him and I want him to be secure and to know that I’m never going to leave him.”

Mark took Youngjae’s hand, giving it a squeeze and then placing it on top of Milo’s head. It was like Mark knew that petting a dog would make Youngjae feel better. Mark really did know what all of them needed even before they knew for themselves. He could easily understand why Jaebeom and Yugyeom were so in love with him. Youngjae was probably a little bit in love with Mark, too. They all were really.

“Like you said,” Mark said, “the next time you see him, you need to tell him that. Jackson has always liked going to the extremes for the people he loves. And his extremes are always at their most intense when he feels guilty about something. Remember when we had our first concert in Japan after he dropped out of Japanese promotions? He texted the group chat every three minutes and facetimed with us after the show for almost an hour. He felt so bad because he wasn’t there.”

“He hates disappointing people,” Youngjae said.

“And you’re the person he hates disappointing the most,” Mark said. The corners of his lips lifted into a sly smile. “Because you’re the person he loves the most.”

Youngjae felt a little ridiculous, blushing at Mark’s words. Jackson had been his boyfriend for over a year now. They had been open about their love and affection for so long. It wasn’t anything new, but he still felt giddy, having someone else tell him how much Jackson loved him. Not many people knew about their relationship. Aside from the guys in the group, Youngjae had told his brother and sister and parents. His options were limited when it came to talking about his relationship.

It was getting late and being pregnant seemed to be draining Mark of his energy. Youngjae hugged him goodbye. When he tried to pull away, Mark held on to him tighter, making him stay in his arms for just a few more seconds. Youngjae didn’t mind the long hug. He needed it, but Youngjae imagined Mark needed it even more.

***

Youngjae didn’t do much when he got home. He played with Coco for a bit, checked out a new MMO his brother had told him about, and then got ready for bed. His nighttime routine was boring and predictable. Usually he would go out for drinks with a few of his friends, but they were starting to prepare for their comeback, so he knew he needed to get as much sleep as possible.

Thankfully, sleep came to him easily that night. He was able to drift off as soon as he was under the covers. Sometimes he had bad dreams, but his mind was clear now. His body felt heavy and motionless and he was completely at peace, until he felt a hand on his shoulder, gently shaking him. Youngjae groaned, squeezing his eyes shut tighter as he tried to fall back asleep. The hand shook him even harder. Youngjae pressed his face against the pillow.

“I’m home,” Jackson said. “Surprise!” He was talking in what he probably thought was a whisper, but to Youngjae it was almost like he was shouting. “Baby, are you dead or just sleeping? Let me know.”

“I’m dead,” Youngjae said.

“You don’t sound dead to me.”

“Hyung, I was sleeping.”

“So, you don’t like your surprise?”

“What’s the surprise?”

“Me,” Jackson said. “I’m the surprise. I’m back early.”

The mattress dipped behind Youngjae and soon he felt an arm wrap around his waist. Jackson pulled his back against his chest, making Youngjae the little spoon. A trail of kisses was pressed up his neck to his jaw.

“I’m still trying to sleep,” Youngjae said. Jackson slipped his hand under the front of Youngjae’s pajama pants. “ _Hyung_.”

“The hand job is your other surprise.”

“I don’t want the other surprise.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my boyfriend?”

Youngjae turned over so that he could face Jackson. He couldn’t even be happy to see him again because his earlier conversation with Mark was now at the forefront of his mind. It wasn’t just that conversation either. It was every single phone call they had shared over the past few months. He needed to talk to Jackson before getting caught up in how much he had missed his hands on his body.

“We need to talk,” Youngjae said.

“Oh,” Jackson said. When he entered the room he had turned on one of the lamps, so Youngjae could clearly see Jackson’s face. His smile had instantly changed into an expression full of nerves. “Um, about what?”

“Us,” Youngjae said. “We can do this in the morning if you’re tired from your flight.”

“It was a short flight,” Jackson said. “And I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep now. Are you – I mean, do you want to break up or–”

“No,” Youngjae said quickly. “I don’t want to break up. I just think we need to talk.”

“Okay,” Jackson said. “Okay, that’s fine. We can talk. What’s on your mind?”

He was still nervous, but Jackson wasn’t tense anymore. Youngjae smiled, to let him know that he wasn’t upset or angry about anything. He cupped Jackson’s face in his hands and brought him close for a brief kiss. It had been so long since they’d kissed that just once wasn’t enough. Youngjae went in again, this time letting the kiss last for a bit longer. He had to let it end though.

“Why do you keep insisting that we should open our relationship?” Youngjae asked. “I’ve told you so many times that I don’t want to be with anyone else. Why can’t you believe me?”

“I do believe you,” Jackson said. “I believe that’s how you feel now, but we’re not going to be together all the time. In the future, we could be apart for even longer. I don’t want you to feel like you’re trapped in this relationship.”

“Is that how you feel?” Youngjae asked. “Do you feel trapped?”

“No,” Jackson said. “Not at all.”

“Then why do you think I feel that way?” Youngjae asked. “Or that I’m going to feel that way one day? Hyung, I love you so much. And yes, I like sex and I love having sex with you, but that’s not what I miss the most when you’re gone. I miss talking face-to-face and cooking together and going on walks and taking care of Coco and going to bed together and just being held by you.”

Jackson leaned forward to kiss him again and Youngjae allowed it. It wasn’t a kiss that was meant to distract him. The kiss was to comfort him because Jackson could see he was getting overwhelmed. He always knew the best way to keep him grounded.

“I know that I can’t see the future,” Youngjae said when they parted. “I want to be with you forever, but I know that’s not guaranteed to happen. Maybe one day we will be apart for a longer period of time and maybe I’ll feel differently about this then, but right now, I only want you. You’re the only person I want touching me. So, can you please just drop this?”

“Okay,” Jackson said. “I won’t bring it up again.” He kissed him once more. “Anything else you want to talk about?”

Youngjae thought about how he wanted to ask Jackson if he truly felt insecure in their relationship. He wanted to know if Jackson saw them as a ticking time bomb, just waiting to go off. So many questions suddenly appeared in the form of a long list in his head. Youngjae decided that they could wait until the morning to be asked over breakfast when they were both more alert and awake.

“No,” Youngjae said. “I’ll take that hand job now.”

“How about I eat you out instead?”

He couldn’t stop the soft moan he made at just the idea of that. Jackson grinned, clearly feeling more comfortable with this than talking about their feelings. They both got undressed as quickly as they could on their own before coming back together. Jackson settled between his legs, kissing him and then sliding down on the bed.

Youngjae knew that he had missed Jackson. He missed spending time with him and being in the same room as him. He missed all of the small domestic things they did together. But right now, with Jackson’s head between his legs, he could only focus on how much he had missed his mouth. He was so tired and relaxed that it didn’t take long for Jackson to make him come. Youngjae returned the favor by jerking him off until Jackson spilled into his hand, grunting lowly while pushing his face against Youngjae’s neck.

They cleaned up and for the first time that night, Youngjae could truly enjoy being in Jackson’s arms. All of the tension had melted away and he was ready to finally relax.

“What did you do today?” Jackson asked after a big yawn. He seemed to be just as tired as Youngjae now. “Did you see any of the guys?”

“I spent some time with Mark-hyung.”

“Oh yeah?” Jackson said. “How is he?”

Youngjae could pick up on his anxious tone, even though he knew Jackson was trying to hide it. Mark was right. Jackson did feel guilty for not being around as much as he used to be. Youngjae could tell him the truth that Mark had morning sickness and was tired all the time and that he was worried about his relationship with Jaebeom and Yugyeom. Telling him the truth would only make Jackson feel guiltier though. He knew that Jackson wanted to be there for Mark. Even if they weren’t as close as they used to be, Jackson still considered Mark to be his best friend. Knowing that Mark was hurting would break his heart. It also just wasn’t Youngjae’s place to tell Jackson the whole truth.

“He’s all right,” Youngjae said. “I still can’t believe he’s having a baby.”

“Yeah, me neither,” Jackson said. “Kids are great. I want a lot.”

Jackson was half-asleep when he said it, but Youngjae could hear the truth in his words. They brought him a sudden stab of pain to his heart. Along with marriage and having a public relationship, kids joined the list of things they could likely never have together.


	25. Chapter 25

“Are you ready for the perfect night of romance?” Jackson asked.

“Yes,” Youngjae said. He smiled as Jackson brought their linked hands to his mouth, giving Youngjae a noisy kiss on his knuckles. “I’ll be the judge of whether or not it’s perfect though.”

“You really don’t have any faith in me, do you?” Jackson asked.

“I have all the faith in the world in you, hyung.”

He was excited for tonight. They never got the opportunity to go on dates. Whenever they went out together in Korea, they always had to do something that friends would do. Obvious couple activities were off-limits in case someone recognized them. Youngjae didn’t see it as too much of a loss. Most couples he saw on the streets in Seoul were always wearing matching outfits and hanging off of each other. That type of display of affection never appealed to him.

Still, none of his outings with Jackson ever felt like dates. When it was just the two of them, they never did anything different from what they did together before they were in a relationship. They always had fun, but it never felt special or romantic. For one night, Jackson seemed determined to change that.

They were in New York for a concert and they had one night of freedom. No cameras, no managers, and no other members. Jaebeom and Mark were holed up in their hotel room together so that they could relax for the rest of the night. Mark’s pregnancy made him tired, but he was doing better than he was before. Jinyoung and Bambam were going out to dinner with a now single Yugyeom. Youngjae couldn’t say that he was surprised to see Yugyeom leave his relationship with Mark and Jaebeom, but he was disappointed.

“Do you want to know the plan or do you want to be surprised?” Jackson asked as they stepped out of the elevator and into the hotel lobby. “You don’t get to change your mind later on, so choose wisely.”

“I’ll let it be a surprise,” Youngjae said.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Youngjae said. “Like I said, I have faith in you.”

When they left the hotel, Jackson didn’t have any trouble waving down a taxi. He communicated with the driver easily as well, since his English was so fluent. Youngjae liked practicing his own English when they were in other countries, but he didn’t mind letting Jackson do all of the work tonight. Once the taxi started to move, Jackson leaned back against the seat and took Youngjae’s hand in his once more.

“You look so beautiful tonight,” Jackson said. “Blue hair really suits you.”

“It’s so faded,” Youngjae said. “I think I’m going to dye it back to black soon.”

“You also look stunning with black hair.”

“You want to have sex tonight, don’t you?” Youngjae asked.

“I can’t answer that question,” Jackson said. “It would ruin the surprise.”

The only thing Youngjae knew about what Jackson had planned for the night was that they were going to a fancy restaurant first. Jackson had told him to wear something nice and that was it. Youngjae hadn’t packed any formal clothes with him for their tour. He had gone shopping at an overpriced boutique across from their hotel earlier that day. It was all so last minute and spontaneous and Youngjae loved it. He didn’t know if he would admit it to Jackson, but he really did love how he had planned an entire night just for them.

They arrived at a small Italian restaurant that was between two equally small shops. The more Youngjae saw of New York City, the more overwhelmed he felt. He didn’t think it was possible for someone to explore every place the city had to offer in a lifetime, let alone a single night.

“After you,” Jackson said, opening the door to the restaurant for him.

Youngjae walked inside, taking in the low lighting and the small dining room that only had about 10 tables set up. Jackson spoke in English with the receptionist, telling her about the reservation he had made. They were seated at a table right in the middle of the room. It was a new feeling, being so out in the open. Usually when they went to restaurants together, they always sat in the corner.

“Don’t check the prices,” Jackson said just as Youngjae glanced down at the menu. “I don’t want you getting mad for spending so much money on you.”

The menu was a single page without pictures and only listed a few items in each category. Most of it was in Italian, so Youngjae’s limited understanding of English was of no use to him. What he could understand were the prices listed next to each item.

“I think you have me confused with someone else,” Youngjae said. “I have no problem with letting you spend money on me. In fact, I think I might order two entrees.”

“You’re the devil, you know that?” Jackson said. He didn’t have to say it, but Youngjae could tell he was thinking about the Great Shabu-Shabu Incident of 2018. “I don’t know why I love you so much.”

“I don’t know why you do either.”

He had meant to make the remark sound light and humorous, but it came across as self-deprecating. Youngjae looked up from the menu to see Jackson’s face full of concern. He wasn’t able to say anything though since their waiter arrived at their table.

Youngjae let Jackson order for both of them. He knew that he had more than likely researched the restaurant beforehand and had already picked out dishes he knew they both would like. It still amazed Youngjae, how easy things could be between them. Their relationship had been so rocky and unstable for so long. It still was in some ways. But then they would have moments where everything fell perfectly into place. Youngjae didn’t have to stress about anything and he didn’t have to worry and he could just be at ease.

“Why’d you say that?” Jackson asked, switching back to Korean once the waiter walked away.

“Say what?”

“Don’t play dumb,” Jackson said. “Why did you say that you don’t know why I love you? Do I not say it enough?”

“Hyung, you tell me you love me at least five times a day,” Youngjae said. “I just said it because sometimes, I don’t know, I feel like you’re so far above me. You’re so successful. Your solo career is really taking off and I’m so, _so_ proud of you. So, sometimes I wonder what someone so successful sees in me.”

It wasn’t as serious as he was making it sound. Youngjae did feel insecure being with Jackson at times, but those moments were incredibly rare.

“I love you because you’re my favorite person,” Jackson said, reaching across the table to take his hand. “And you make me want to be a better person. You make me so happy and I love that I can make you happy, too. I want to spend all of my time with you. Isn’t that enough?”

“Of course that’s enough, hyung,” Youngjae said. He smiled at him, bright and honest and not forced in the slightest. “That’s everything to me.”

More people entered the restaurant as the night continued, but Youngjae didn’t feel the need to look over his shoulder or make sure that he wasn’t too affectionate with Jackson. They were acting like a couple and he knew that anyone who paid attention to them could tell and he didn’t care. He didn’t care that people could look over and see their hands together or watch him wipe sauce away from the corner of Jackson’s mouth. Youngjae doubted anyone else in the restaurant spoke Korean, but their actions were universally romantic.

When they walked out on to the street, after spending entirely too long trying to figure out how much they were supposed to tip, Youngjae felt happy and more at ease than he had felt in a long time. They had wine with dinner, but it wasn’t enough for him to fully feel the effects of it. There was warmth in his stomach and he imagined his face was a little flushed.

“Where to next?” Youngjae asked.

“You’re already looking forward to the next thing?” Jackson asked. “Was the dinner not exciting enough?”

“It was perfect,” Youngjae said. “I’m just excited to spend more time with you.”

“Me too,” Jackson said.

They walked to the next stop instead of taking a taxi. Youngjae imagined the full “New York Experience” would include taking the subway to different places, but they were more likely to be recognized in a small, cramped space. He didn’t mind though.

Jackson had to check the GPS app on his phone a few times to make sure they were walking in the right direction. After getting turned around and walking in a big circle, Jackson finally managed to navigate them to a small bar. It was only slightly bigger than the restaurant they had dinner at. A live band was playing indie music and the lyrics were mumbled and whispered so Youngjae doubted he could understand them even if he spoke English. The ambiance was familiar. It was like a bar they had visited in Paris last year. There was much less smoking though.

Youngjae sat at a corner table while Jackson went to the bar to get them drinks. He watched the band play, spending perhaps too much time trying to figure out if the banjo player was actually playing or if the banjo was merely a prop.

“First, we ate at an expensive restaurant,” Jackson said once he joined Youngjae at the table. “Now, we’re seeing what hipsters do. It’s the full experience.”

“You just wanted to get me in a dark room so you could feel me up, didn’t you?”

“That thought actually never crossed my mind,” Jackson said, putting a hand on his thigh. “But now it’s all that I can think about.”

“Come here,” Youngjae said.

He cupped Jackson’s face in his hands before pulling him into a kiss. While they kissed, Youngjae had a brief, clear vision of what their lives could be in different circumstances. Maybe Jackson had stuck to fencing instead of choosing music instead. He would have gone to a university in the States and ended up in New York somehow. Instead of auditioning for an idol company, Youngjae had chosen to study music abroad. They were two non-famous, ordinary men who fell in love and went on dates and didn’t need to hide in dark corners of dirty bars to kiss in public.

It was a nice fantasy, but Youngjae liked the lives they had now, even with all of the obstacles.

“I kind of want to go to the bathroom and suck you off,” Jackson said, kissing along his jawline. “Is that weird?”

“Weird, yes,” Youngjae said. “I don’t mind though.”

“If I do it do you think you can come again later tonight?” Jackson asked.

“Oh, do you have other plans for later?”

“I’ve had about 20 different plans in my head after seeing you in these pants,” Jackson said. One of his hands reached behind Youngjae to grab his ass. “I don’t want to go to sleep tonight without fucking you.”

Youngjae couldn’t stop himself from erupting into a loud laugh. A few of the other people at the bar looked at them, but they didn’t keep anyone’s attention for long.

“I wasn’t trying to be funny,” Jackson said.

“I know you weren’t,” Youngjae said. “You just have a very one-track mind sometimes.”

“Have you looked at your own ass in those pants?” Jackson asked. “You can’t blame me.”

He laughed again, but this time Youngjae managed to make it softer. It still surprised him how Jackson had gone from denying his feelings to being so honest.

“I’m not blaming you for anything,” Youngjae said. “And it has been a while since you’ve fucked me. That sounds really good. Just don’t go too hard. I have to be able to dance tomorrow at the concert.”

“Don’t worry,” Jackson said. “I’ll treat you like a total pillow princess. I’ll do exactly what Jinyoung does when he has sex with Bambam.”

“So, you’re going to do all of the work and barely touch me?”

“Exactly.”

“I can’t believe those two have such boring sex,” Youngjae said.

“What works for them, works for them,” Jackson said with a shrug. “So no bathroom blowjob? I’m still up for it.”

“I’ll pass for tonight,” Youngjae said. “Maybe next time we find ourselves in a gross bar you can get on your knees for me then.”

“You’re not allowed to say things that turn me on while a man is playing a harmonica.”

Youngjae looked at the stage where a man, who looked like he hadn’t showered in a week, was in the middle of an impassioned harmonica solo. It was terrible to listen to, but intriguing to watch.

“Do you want to leave or do you want to keep making out?” Jackson said.

“Let’s stay a bit longer,” Youngjae said. He got up from his chair so that he could sit on Jackson’s lap instead. “I see a French horn up there. This could get interesting.”

“I love you,” Jackson said. “Have I said that lately?”

“Yes,” Youngjae said. “But I don’t mind. I like hearing it.”

***

They stayed at the bar a lot longer than Youngjae thought they would. It was surprisingly fun, trying to guess which instrument or which genre the band would play next. They had made it through the Gregorian chant, but Jackson had drawn the line at yodeling.

Even at the bar, they hadn’t had much more to drink, but Youngjae felt weightless as they continued their walk through the city. He was inexplicably giddy, clinging to Jackson and finding everything he said ten times funnier than he usually would. It was easy to get lost in the fantasy world he had made. In that world this was just another date night for them. Youngjae found himself becoming more and more envious of that fictional version of himself.

Jackson took him through a small part of Central Park, because he insisted they had to do one thing that was touristy. He bought them an ice cream cone to share and Youngjae teased him for only taking tiny bites at a time. The warmth that he had felt all evening never left him. It seemed to get stronger with every step they took.

Eventually, Youngjae’s feet started to hurt from walking around so much, so Jackson waved down another taxi. Once they were in the backseat of one, Youngjae rested his head on Jackson’s shoulder. He assumed they were heading back to the hotel, but instead the taxi stopped in front of a row of brownstones.

“Time to go,” Jackson said, nudging his side until Youngjae sat up straight.

“There’s another surprise?” Youngjae asked. “I thought we would be going back to the hotel.”

“Not yet.”

Youngjae stood on the sidewalk, watching as Jackson walked up the street, squinting at the numbers on the brownstones. He finally stopped in front of one, walked up the front steps, and moved a flowerpot.

“What are you doing?” Youngjae asked. “That’s someone’s house.”

“There’s a key hidden here somewhere,” Jackson said. He moved another flowerpot and smiled triumphantly when he held up a house key that was on the same ring as a turtle keychain. “We’re sleeping here tonight. Come on.”

“What are you talking about?”

Despite his confusion, Youngjae still followed Jackson inside the house. It was small, like most places to live in in the city. The décor was warm and it was clean and it truly felt like someone’s home. There were plants that were well taken care of and colorful art prints hanging in nice frames on the walls. Youngjae took his shoes off out of habit, even though he still wasn’t sure where they were.

“I rented this place for the night,” Jackson said. “Mark told me about this app that lets you stay at other people’s houses when you’re on vacation. I thought this would be nicer than a hotel.”

“Why would you want to stay here instead of the hotel?” Youngjae asked.

“Do you want to go back?”

“No, this is fine,” Youngjae said. “It’s more than fine actually. It’s nice. It’s really nice, hyung.” He looked around the house for a bit longer. “I don’t have anything with me though. No clean clothes for tomorrow or my toothbrush or–”

“I had one of our managers drop off an overnight bag while we were out to dinner,” Jackson said. “I packed it earlier today, so it has everything we need.”

“You told them that we were staying here tonight?” Youngjae asked. “Together?”

“They already know about us,” Jackson said. “You know they won’t tell any of the higher-ups at the company. We’re okay.”

For what felt like the hundredth time that night, Jackson took Youngjae’s hand in his. The simple touch never failed to make Youngjae feel completely grounded.

“I just… I guess I just don’t understand,” Youngjae said. “We have privacy at the hotel. Why would you go to all of this trouble?”

“Because I think about us a lot,” Jackson said. “I think about what we’re both giving up to be together. We can’t have a normal life together. You’re from Korea and all of your work is there. I’m not Korean; my work is all over the place. I don’t know what the future holds for our careers. We’re long distance half of the year. In a few years we might be apart from each for even longer.

“We can’t have a home like this. We can’t have kids. Unless same-sex marriage between betas becomes legal in our home countries, it’s not like we can have a somewhat normal life like we could if we lived here. I guess I just wanted to have one night with you where we could pretend that we’re like any other couple. I didn’t want to hide you away from the world. For one night only, I wanted to make sure everyone in this city knew how much I love you.”

It had never occurred to him that Jackson had been living in the same fantasy as Youngjae that whole night. They both knew the restrictions of their relationship. And they both desperately wished that things could be different.

Youngjae stepped toward Jackson and wrapped his arms around his shoulders.

“I love you,” Youngjae said. “Now take me to the bedroom in this place.”

“I don’t know where it is.”

“Then let’s find it together.”

The house was small, so it didn’t take long for them to find the master bedroom. On the bed was the overnight bag that Jackson had mentioned. He pushed it onto the floor before putting Youngjae on the bed instead. One of the perks of having sex with someone he had been with countless times before, was that neither one of them felt the need to make every movement romantic. Taking each other’s clothes off didn’t have to be a slow and sensual ritual. They could both get naked faster by doing it themselves. Jackson opening up the overnight bag for lube and a condom wasn’t awkward. It was normal and comfortable and Youngjae loved it.

“I love you so much,” Jackson said once they were finally settled on the bed together.

“I think you’re going for a new record today,” Youngjae said. “You’ve said that so many times.”

“That’s because every time I look at you all I want to do is tell you that I love you,” Jackson said. “I’m holding myself back every other day. I’m really letting myself go all out tonight. Is it too much?”

“No,” Youngjae said. “It’s perfect.”

Jackson kept the promise that he had made earlier that night. He took care of him, just like Youngjae knew Jackson would. The touches were light and sweet and as he opened Youngjae up with his fingers, he moved slowly and patiently. It was unnecessary, the amount of care he used. Youngjae was used to having sex with him and the gentle treatment wasn’t needed, but he still enjoyed it. More importantly, he could sense how important it was to Jackson.

Youngjae knew that he still felt guilt for the way he used to treat him. Jackson had never said it out loud, but Youngjae got the feeling that with every gentle and loving touch, he was trying to make up for his past mistakes. Youngjae didn’t resent him anymore, but he knew that Jackson felt like he had to ask for forgiveness, even if it was only through quiet touches.

When Jackson pushed inside of him, Youngjae held on to his shoulders, closing his eyes and almost sighing at the familiar and welcome stretch. Going slow felt so good, especially after not being able to take their time for a while. He worked his fingers through Jackson’s hair as he started to move, fucking into Youngjae with shallow thrusts.

Even though they were in a stranger’s home, Youngjae was still able to extend the fantasy in his mind. He found it easy to keep believing that the night they had spent together was normal for them. It was just like any other night.

***

Sitting on the nightstand next to the bed was a glass sculpture in the shape of a pyramid. It was a typical piece of decoration that was only used to fill empty space with something to look at. They hadn’t closed the curtains the night before, so the morning light spilled into the bedroom. It passed through the pyramid, creating a prism that cast tiny rainbows onto the skin of Jackson’s back. Youngjae traced the colors with his fingers, taking in how it contrasted against Jackson’s warm skin. It was like a magic spell had been cast over him, making him glow even more than he usually did.

“Time to wake up, huh?” Jackson said, his voice thick from sleep.

“Yeah, it is,” Youngjae said. “It’s time to go.”

It was also time for them to leave the fantasy and go back to reality.


	26. Chapter 26

Youngjae didn’t want Jackson to know that it bothered him. Looking back on his actions over the past year, Youngjae liked to think that he was a good boyfriend. He never complained about the distance between them when Jackson was working on his solo career. He answered every call and replied to every text right on time. He respected Jackson’s boundaries and never pushed him to come out to his family when he obviously wasn’t ready. Youngjae had finally told his parents about his relationship with Jackson, but he didn’t expect Jackson to do the same. Especially since Youngjae’s parents already knew he was bi, but Jackson’s parents had no idea he was gay.

He had been the perfect partner, so he didn’t know how to tell Jackson that the female pronouns and the use of the word “girl” in a song that was written about him bothered him. Youngjae was so proud of Jackson for releasing his first album. He had given Jackson an honest review, telling him that he liked all of the songs. Jackson had pointed out that “Unless I’m With You” was written about him. The lyrics were all in English, so Youngjae had to do some translating to fully understand it. It was his favorite song on the album and he was flattered, but the repetition of the word “girl” quickly started to grate on his nerves. He knew it was supposed to be “boy.” He knew it shouldn’t bother him. It still did though.

“So, what are your plans for the next month?” Youngjae asked, watching as Jackson tossed a ball across the apartment and Coco chased after it. She ran back to Jackson without the toy in her mouth, simply wanting to sit on Jackson’s lap instead. “The group is on hiatus for a few months.”

Their comeback had originally been scheduled for November, but Mark’s due date was at the end of the month. They didn’t want to promote as a six member group, so they were on a short break instead. It had made Youngjae panic, thinking that Jackson would leave him again since he couldn’t work in Korea at the moment.

“Hanging out with you and the guys,” Jackson said. “Getting ready to meet my nephew. Making love to you all hours of the day.”

“I don’t think I have the stamina for that, hyung.”

“We can work on that,” Jackson said with a wink that made Youngjae roll his eyes. Jackson fell onto his back on the floor, letting Coco walk over his chest.

“Why are you so convinced Mark is having a boy?” Youngjae asked. “The baby could be a girl.”

“I just have a feeling,” Jackson said. “We should check on Gyeom today. See how he’s doing.”

“Good idea,” Youngjae said. “You’re really just going to spend the next few months in Korea though? Your album just came out a few weeks ago. Shouldn’t you be promoting it?”

“I already promoted it when it came out,” Jackson said. “I’m sure I’ll be back in China for some stuff for New Year’s, but that’s still over a month away.” He placed a noisy kiss to the top of Coco’s head. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were trying to get me to leave.”

“That’s not what I’m trying to do,” Youngjae said. “I’m just not used to you staying still. I thought that as soon as our comeback got postponed, you’d be off again.”

“Oh,” Jackson said.

Years ago, or even just one year ago, Youngjae never would have been so blunt. He loved Jackson because he was so passionate, but sometimes that passion could make Jackson jump to conclusions. They were so steady in their relationship now. Youngjae felt comfortable telling him every thought that came into his head. Well, almost every thought. He didn’t want to tell him how much the word “girl” bothered him in Jackson’s music. That would lead to an argument that would go in circles for hours and never be resolved.

“I’m not trying to say that you’re fickle or anything like that,” Youngjae said. “You love keeping busy. I’m surprised that you’re staying in one spot, not working.”

“I meet up with Seunghyo all the time to work on music,” Jackson said. “I’m still working.”

“I know,” Youngjae said. He got off the couch and sat down next to Jackson on the floor, placing one hand on Coco and the other slipping into Jackson’s hair. “I love that you’re staying so close to me. I’m just afraid you’ll spoil me too much and when you go away again, it’ll be harder on me.”

“Do you want me to stay at Jinyoung and Bambam’s place for a few nights to give you some space?” Jackson asked. “So that you can get used to me being away from you?”

“Don’t you dare,” Youngjae said. “I don’t want to miss a single moment with you now that you’re here. Besides, I’m not going to let you torture yourself like that. They’re recently engaged. I’m sure they’re fucking all the time.”

Youngjae laughed as Jackson groaned, his face twisting in disgust. He always made that same face every time he was reminded that Jinyoung and Bambam regularly had sex together. Youngjae didn’t think that would ever change. No matter how old Bambam got, Jackson would always see him as his baby brother.

“Don’t remind me,” Jackson said.

“You’re happy for them,” Youngjae said.

“Of course I am,” he said. “But the thought of Bambam naked is a thought I never want to have.”

“What about the thought of a naked Jinyoung?”

“That’s different.”

“How so?”

“Okay, hear me out,” Jackson said. “In an alternate universe, where none of us are friends and we’re not together, I would fuck Jinyoung.”

“I can see that.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“Because I just said I would fuck one of our friends,” Jackson said. “That’s not weird?”

“You’re speaking hypothetically, hyung,” Youngjae said. “It doesn’t bother me.” He pursed his lips together, thinking over the alternate universe Jackson had presented him with. “I think if I were in the same universe, I’d fuck Bambam. So, we’re even.”

“Great, now I have that image in my head,” Jackson said.

“You’re the one who suggested I fuck other people whenever we’re not together.”

“I meant people I don’t know, not Bambam.”

“So, you can fuck an imaginary Jinyoung, but I can’t fuck an imaginary Bambam?”

“Of course not.”

They made eye contact, both of them silently seeing how far they could take this. Jackson was the first one to crack. He closed his eyes, tilting his head back against the floor and letting out a loud laugh. Youngjae joined him, resting against his chest as he laughed as well. This was how most of their arguments went lately. They would go back and forth on a stupid, silly topic only to end up laughing when one of them couldn’t keep a straight face anymore. Youngjae loved it. He wanted all of their future disagreements to be equally ridiculous.

“I love you,” Jackson said once their laughter ceased. “I don’t really believe in the idea of soulmates, but if they were real, you’d definitely be mine.”

“That’s a weird way of saying something very romantic.”

“Haven’t you learned by now that that’s what I’m all about?” Jackson said. “Why would I be straightforward when I could be abstract instead?”

Youngjae kissed him and pushed a hand up Jackson’s shirt. The movement caused Coco to finally get off of Jackson’s chest. She stood on the floor next to them, barking as they kissed.

“I think the princess wants attention,” Jackson said as Youngjae kissed down his neck.

“She gets plenty of attention,” Youngjae said. “I want to give my attention to you instead.”

“I can’t believe you’re neglecting our daughter.”

“I’ll give her some treats and a chew toy,” Youngjae said. “She’ll be fine while we’re in the bedroom.”

“Choi Youngjae, it is four in the afternoon and you’re planning on taking me to the bed?” Jackson asked, pretending to be scandalized.

“If you don’t want to, we don’t have to.”

“No, I definitely want to,” Jackson said. “Her treats are still on top of the fridge, right?”

They got off the floor and quickly got everything together to make sure Coco would be comfortable while they took some time for privacy. Youngjae filled up her water bowl and checked her pee pads to make sure they were dry. Jackson got her some treats and one of her favorite toys. He even turned the television on to give her something to watch.

When they got to the bedroom, Youngjae pushed Jackson up against the door, kissing him while tugging on the bottom of his shirt.

“So, what’s the plan, baby?” Jackson asked. “Do you have something specific in mind or–”

“I want to fuck you against the wall,” Youngjae said.

“Okay, shit,” Jackson said. He pulled his shirt over his head and then pushed down his sweatpants. “We can do that. We can definitely do that. Yes, please.”

“You’re always so polite,” Youngjae said.

“Only for you, baby.”

Youngjae didn’t want to point out to him that he was the only one Jackson could ever be polite for. He had never been with any other men. At least, that was the truth Jackson chose to stick to. Youngjae believed him, but he always wondered if he was being completely honest. He didn’t hate the idea of it. Youngjae had been with plenty of other people, so if Jackson had been involved with others, it wouldn’t bother him.

He got a bottle of lube from their nightstand as well as a condom. Once Youngjae was back in front of Jackson, he sunk to his knees, smirking as he heard Jackson curse from above him. They had had sex enough times to know exactly what the other liked. Neither one of them was into any extreme forms of power play, but Youngjae did like how whenever he got on his knees to suck him off, it felt like Jackson was the one who was helpless. Seeing him close his eyes and rest his head against the door as Youngjae took him into his mouth made his cock twitch in his underwear. He loved seeing Jackson so relaxed and so accepting of his own pleasure.

“You’re so fucking good at this,” Jackson said as Youngjae started to move his head, getting Jackson’s cock hard. “Love it when you do this for me.”

Youngjae could drag this out for a long time. He had done it before, brought Jackson to tears and made him beg for Youngjae to let him come. It would be easy to do it again, but Youngjae wanted to fuck him for as long as possible. Once Jackson was hard, Youngjae pulled off, grabbing the bottle of lube and pouring some onto his fingers. He took Jackson’s cock back into his mouth while he pushed two fingers inside of him.

“Fuck,” Jackson groaned, his hips jolting forward slightly.

He didn’t take long preparing him. It had been a while since Jackson had bottomed, but they both came to learn that Jackson liked when the stretch burned a little. Youngjae was still always careful when he fingered him though. Just because he wasn’t as thorough as he could be didn’t mean he wanted to hurt Jackson.

“Turn around,” Youngjae said as he stood up.

Jackson put his hands on door, his breathing sounding shallower than it usually did. Youngjae pushed his cock up against his ass, rutting a few times without really trying to enter him. He kissed his shoulder and let his teeth scrape lightly against his skin.

“I love you so much, hyung,” Youngjae said. “I love it when you’re like this for me. You’re so pretty. You know that, right?”

Youngjae watched as Jackson’s skin flushed even darker. He put on the condom and then lined up against Jackson’s hole, kissing his shoulder once more before pushing in. His eyes immediately squeezed shut and Youngjae moaned at how tight Jackson was around him.

“Relax,” Youngjae said. “I’ve got you. Just relax, hyung.”

“I’m trying to,” Jackson said. He sounded completely out of breath. “You feel so good.”

“Yeah?” Youngjae said. “Good. You should always feel good, hyung.”

He knew Jackson better than anyone, so Youngjae knew he had to be the one to bring up Jackson bottoming. Jackson still had trouble asking for it himself. They didn’t do it often, but whenever Youngjae suggested it, Jackson always agreed. It was a rare sight, seeing his cock disappear inside of Jackson, hearing his pretty moans, and feeling his entire body tremble against him. He was so beautiful like this.

Youngjae started to fuck into him, using short, shallow thrusts at first. They were both loud when it came to sex, so with every movement of Youngjae’s cock, they moaned in tandem. His thrusts got faster and sharper once he could feel Jackson relax more.

“Baby, don’t stop,” Jackson said. “Please, fuck, don’t–”

“I won’t,” Youngjae said, going even faster.

Sometimes they took their time when it came to sex. They would draw it out for as long as they possibly could and, if they were feeling up for it, went for another round. This wasn’t one of those times. It was hard and fast and passionate and over before either one of them really had the chance to savor it. Youngjae thought it was perfect though. Every time he got the chance to touch Jackson and have him all to himself was perfect to him.

“My phone is going crazy,” Jackson said, sitting on the bed half an hour later. They had showered together and were now talking about what to eat for an early dinner. A dinner that they would most likely invite Yugyeom to. “I have so many missed calls from Jaebeom. You don’t think…?”

“The baby is here early?” Youngjae said, checking his own phone. He had plenty of missed calls as well. “Mark’s due date is in a couple of weeks, but babies come early all the time.”

He read through the texts he had received from Jaebeom as well. Most of them were in the group chat the seven of them used. They were right. Mark was in labor at the hospital.

“We’re going, right?” Jackson said, already looking through his clean clothes for something to wear. “I know people usually show up after the baby has been delivered, but I don’t want to miss anything.”

“We could be waiting there for hours,” Youngjae said.

“Then you can come later,” Jackson said. “I’m not missing a single second of my nephew’s birth.”

Youngjae wasn’t going to let him go to the hospital alone, so he got dressed as well. They checked on Coco again before they left, making sure she had everything she needed. Youngjae didn’t know how long they would be at the hospital. If they were gone for too long, Youngjae would come home to take care of her. He didn’t know much about childbirth, but he had heard stories of it lasting a long time for a lot of people.

They took a cab to the hospital. The entire drive Jackson was practically buzzing with excitement in his seat. Youngjae put a hand on his thigh in an attempt to ground him. When they arrived at the hospital, they took the elevator up to the maternity ward. Youngjae texted Jaebeom, letting him know they had arrived. He didn’t think anyone else would be there, but sitting in the corner of the waiting room was Yugyeom.

“Hey,” Jackson said, taking a seat next to him. Youngjae sat on Yugyeom’s other side. “How long have you been here?”

“About 20 minutes,” Yugyeom said. “Jinyoung-hyung and Bambam said they would come later.”

“That’s what Youngjae wanted to do,” Jackson said. “I wanted to be here for everything though.”

“Yeah,” Yugyeom said. “Me too.”

He looked down at Yugyeom’s hands in his lap, clenching and unclenching his fists. Youngjae could tell that he was nervous. He couldn’t even begin to understand what he was feeling. Yugyeom still loved both of them and Youngjae knew their feelings for Yugyeom hadn’t faded either. They had all stopped fighting for each other though. Even though they were all in love, they couldn’t find a way to make it work.

Time passed by slowly in the waiting room. Youngjae was starting to regret not staying at home for a while longer. At least there he would have things to distract himself. He had left his phone charger at home and he wanted to save his battery life, so playing games was out of the question. Youngjae was tempted to ask one of the receptionists if they had phone chargers behind the desk. Jaebeom hadn’t come out to see them or replied to any of their texts. It made Youngjae feel uneasy. He knew Jaebeom was busy taking care of Mark, but he thought he would at least text them back after calling them all so many times.

“I wish these chairs were more comfortable,” Jackson said, slouching in his seat. “I need a nap.”

“Did you have trouble sleeping last night?” Yugyeom asked.

“No, I’m just tired because Youngjae fucked me right before we came here.”

“I really didn’t need to know that, hyung,” Yugyeom said.

“Sharing is caring.” He said it in English, but Youngjae and Yugyeom both understood what he meant. Yugyeom elbowed him and Jackson laughed. The atmosphere felt a bit lighter, but it wasn’t enough to get rid of the bad feeling Youngjae had.

“Hi, boys. We thought we would be the first ones here.”

The three of them looked up to see a couple approaching them. Youngjae instantly recognized them as Jaebeom’s parents. Mark’s family was supposed to come to Korea in a couple of weeks, closer to Mark’s due date. Jaebeom’s mother was a beautiful omega woman who Jaebeom took after in looks. The two were incredibly similar. His father was a beta who had married Jaebeom’s mother when Jaebeom was young. Jaebeom didn’t talk much about his biological father. He only mentioned that he was an alpha with a drinking problem that he hadn’t seen in years. His stepfather was a good man who treated Jaebeom like his own son.

“Jackson-hyung couldn’t wait,” Youngjae said, standing up and hugging Jaebeom’s mother. “He’s convinced the baby’s a boy.”

“I have a very strong gut feeling about it,” Jackson said. “Do you two have any guesses? Boy or girl? Alpha or omega? Maybe even a beta?”

“I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it,” she said. “But I don’t mind it being a surprise. I’ll be happy no matter what.”

They sat in the waiting room together. Jaebeom’s parents talked with Jackson while Yugyeom stared down at his phone. His mouth was turned down into a frown.

“Are you okay?” Youngjae asked, keeping his voice low. “I imagine this isn’t easy for you.”

“Why hasn’t Jaebeom-hyung texted any of us back?” Yugyeom said.

“I don’t know,” Youngjae said. He tried not to let it show that he was worried about that too. Basing all of his knowledge on movies wasn’t the smartest, but he imagined there was a lot of waiting around between contractions. Either Mark was in the middle of delivery or Jaebeom had somehow forgotten to check in on them in the waiting room or even text them. “I’m sure everything’s fine.”

“Yeah,” Yugyeom said, putting his phone back in his pocket. He rested his head against the wall behind him. “I’m worried about nothing.”

Jinyoung and Bambam arrived not long after. Bambam’s arms were full of gift bags and Jinyoung was carrying a large teddy bear that Youngjae knew Bambam made him carry.

“Are you late because you were buying presents?” Jackson asked.

“We’re not late,” Bambam said. “It’s not like we were given a specific time to show up. Besides, I bought all of these weeks ago.”

“He had a baby shower, Bam,” Jackson said. “That’s when you’re supposed to give presents.”

“Just say you’re annoyed because you didn’t think to buy anything,” Bambam said.

They all talked among each other, bright and happy and Youngjae’s worry started to fade away. Yugyeom was still quiet, sitting next to him, but Youngjae didn’t expect him to be full of joy like the rest of them. He couldn’t even begin to imagine how difficult this was for him.

Youngjae’s imagination was slowly starting to fill with images of watching a little boy grow up. There was no doubt in his mind that all seven of them were going to raise him in some way. They were going to watch over him and take care of him and see as he developed his own interests and became his own person and fell in love and–

Yugyeom saw Jaebeom before the rest of them did. He shot up from his seat, walking across the waiting room and taking Jaebeom into his arms. From the angle he was sitting at, Youngjae could only see Jaebeom’s hands on Yugyeom’s back, clutching on to his shirt. They all became silent, watching the exchange without moving. A soft, muffled sob was heard and Jaebeom’s parents got to their feet as well.

Jackson reached across Yugyeom’s empty seat, taking Youngjae’s hand in his own. He could hear his own heartbeat in his ears. Youngjae slowly stood up and walked toward them. He was almost afraid to move too quickly. If he moved too quickly he felt like he might startle Jaebeom and make him run away like some kind of wounded animal.

“Mark’s fine,” Jaebeom said. Youngjae had never heard his voice sound so broken. “Mark’s fine, but… When we got here, they-they checked for a heartbeat and…”

That was all Youngjae needed to hear. He felt totally and completely numb, but he knew it was nothing compared to what Mark and Jaebeom were feeling.


	27. Chapter 27

“You don’t have to do this if you’re not ready,” Youngjae said. “This isn’t something that you should rush.”

“I kind of want to rush it though,” Jackson said. “I want to get it over with.”

“If that’s what you really want, then I’ll support you,” Youngjae said. “I’ll also support you if you change your mind at the last minute.”

“I won’t.”

Youngjae looked out of the hotel room’s window at the city skyline of Shanghai. He remembered the last time they were in this city, visiting Jackson’s grandparents. It was before they were together, but during the time where they were casually fucking. At least, they tried to keep the fucking casual. Youngjae had always been in love with Jackson. Nothing about any part of their relationship had ever been casual to him.

Jackson had performed at a few shows for the New Year celebration and Youngjae had tagged along. Their group was still on hiatus because of everything that had happened with Mark. Youngjae checked his phone to see if he had any new messages from him or Jaebeom or Yugyeom. The three of them had gone to California to visit Mark’s family. Youngjae hoped that Mark was relaxing and taking it easy and maybe, hopefully, smiling a little bit. Mark’s older sister had three daughters though and Youngjae didn’t know if their presence would be a good or a bad thing. He didn’t want Mark to have to constantly think about the son he had lost.

“Are you excited to see everyone?” Youngjae asked. “It’s a big family reunion.”

“I’m always happy to see them,” Jackson said.

Not only were they going to visit Jackson’s grandparents, but his parents would be there as well. His older brother, sister-in-law, and niece had flown in from Australia too. The entire Wang family would be in one tiny house and Youngjae would be there in the middle of it. His understanding of Chinese was at the bare minimum. English was easier for him, but not everyone in Jackson’s family knew English. They definitely didn’t know any Korean either.

He wondered if any of them would question his presence there. Officially he was attending the dinner as Jackson’s friend, but sometimes he wondered if they had suspicions about their true relationship. Youngjae knew that Jackson was going to come out to his brother right when they arrived. He was confident that he would be accepting and could be an ally for when he came out to everyone else. Youngjae hoped he was right. Coming out to one person was terrifying. He couldn’t imagine coming out to an entire group at once.

“They love you, you know that, right?” Jackson said, putting on his coat and shoes at the hotel room door. “My grandparents especially. They liked you a lot when you visited last time.”

“They did?” Youngjae said. “I barely said anything to them. We couldn’t communicate at all.”

“You were still polite,” Jackson said. “And they could tell that we’re close. You make me happy. That was enough for them.”

“Even back then I made you happy?” Youngjae said. “Everything was so messy then.”

“You’ve always made me happy,” Jackson said. “Even when you drive me absolutely crazy and make me question everything about myself.”

“I’m that powerful, huh?”

“You have no idea.”

They kissed, softly and briefly and in a way that wouldn’t lead to anything more. He hoped Jackson could get some comfort from the short kiss. It was the last time they would be able to kiss until they were back in the hotel room later that night.

“It’s going to be all right,” Youngjae said. “I’m going to be right next to you. I’m never leaving.”

“I know,” Jackson said, kissing his forehead. “Thank you. I don’t say that enough.”

“Why would you need to thank me more often?”

“Because you’re the love of my life and I put you through hell for a long time,” Jackson said. “Thank you for staying with me. I know I don’t make it easy.”

He wanted to tell Jackson that he was being ridiculous. There was no reason for him to thank Youngjae for simply loving him and being by his side. He kept that to himself though.

As they sat in the back of the cab on the way to Jackson’s grandparents’ house, Youngjae wondered how many times they had sat in a taxi together. They had taken so many in a lot of different cities. He wondered if the drivers could tell that they were a couple. Youngjae wondered if people who didn’t know who they were looked at them and thought that they were together. He hoped that they did.

The house was exactly how Youngjae remembered it. Jackson told him that he tried to buy his grandparents a new place to live. They had refused. He tried to hire someone to remodel the place and upgrade the appliances, but they still refused. They liked their simple life together and didn’t want any help from anyone else. Youngjae could tell that Jackson got his stubbornness from them.

His grandmother greeted Youngjae with a big smile and a hand on his cheek. She spoke quickly in Mandarin, so quickly that Youngjae couldn’t even focus on the individual words that he might know.

“She said you’re even more handsome than you were before,” Jackson said. “I agree with her too.”

“Xiexie,” Youngjae said, bowing slightly to her.

Her smile got even bigger and he smiled back at her. It was the only way they could really communicate with each other. Jackson’s brother was easier to talk to. They spoke in English and Youngjae could actually understand almost everything he said. He wasn’t able to talk to him for long though, because Jackson was pulling him into another room, most likely to come out to him first. Youngjae gave Jackson a thumb’s up of encouragement right before he disappeared from sight.

“Hi, Youngjae,” a voice said, accompanied by a tiny hand pulling on one of his.

He looked down, smiling at the young girl standing in front of him. Youngjae squatted so that he was at eye level with her.

“Hi, Aimee,” he said in English. “How are you?”

“Good,” she said. “Hungry.”

“Me too,” Youngjae said.

Jackson’s niece was absolutely adorable. She reminded Youngjae of Jackson, with her pout that seemed to get her whatever she wanted. Jackson was obsessed with her and Youngjae could understand why.

“Why are you here?” she asked. “Everyone here is family except for you.”

She was also incredibly blunt like Jackson. It was funny, every time Youngjae spoke to one of Jackson’s family members, he couldn’t help but identify all of their traits that reminded him of Jackson.

“Jackson asked me to come with him,” Youngjae said. “He wanted me to come.”

“But why?” she asked, her head tilting to the side.

“Because Youngjae is very, very special to me,” Jackson said as he exited the room he had been in with his brother. He bent down and picked up Aimee. “I want him to stay with me all the time.”

“He’s not more special than me, is he?” Aimee asked.

“No one in the world is more special than you, Princess.”

That seemed to be the answer she was looking for. Her entire face lit up and she threw her arms around Jackson’s neck, holding on tightly. He spun around in circles and her loud laughter seemed to ring throughout the small house. Seeing Jackson with children felt so bittersweet. Youngjae loved how soft and sweet he became when he was around them, but it was also difficult to watch. He’d never be able to watch Jackson play with children of their own and he wasn’t able to see Jackson play with Mark and Jaebeom’s son either. At least there was Aimee. Bright, cheerful, perfectly healthy Aimee.

“Hey,” Jackson’s brother said, placing a hand on Youngjae’s shoulder. “So, he told me about him and about you two and I’m cool with it. I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you,” Youngjae said, feeling a small amount of relief. At least the first part of the plan had gone well. “That means a lot to him.”

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “I am surprised though. He’s good at hiding it. He always has so many girls in his music videos.”

“He really does.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

Youngjae’s English wasn’t good enough for him to fully explain to Jackson’s brother how bothered he truly was. He didn’t want to tell him either. It was something he had decided to keep to himself.

“No, it’s doesn’t,” Youngjae said.

He stayed quiet throughout dinner, sitting close to Jackson and trying to follow along with the conversation as best as he could. Sometimes Jackson would translate for him, but he only did it a few times. Youngjae didn’t blame him either. He knew Jackson wanted to enjoy the time he had with his family and translating for Youngjae would get in the way of that. Youngjae was happy to just watch.

Once everyone had finished eating, no one got up to start cleaning right away. They continued to talk and laugh, but as the minutes went by, Jackson got quieter. With every passing second he looked more and more nervous. Youngjae knew he was probably getting ready to tell all of them. On the flight over, Jackson told him that he didn’t know what his parents and grandparents thought of gay people. It was never something anyone in his family had ever brought up. He had no idea how they would react.

Jackson’s mother spoke to him, bringing him out of his silence. Youngjae could tell that she was asking if Jackson was all right. He nodded and smiled and shook his shoulders like he was trying to work himself up. His hand found Youngjae’s under the table and he knew it was time.

As Jackson spoke, all Youngjae could do was watch the expressions of everyone else at the table. His grandparents looked confused. His father’s face didn’t change much. His mother didn’t seem surprised at all. Youngjae thought she looked like she was almost smiling. He heard his name come out of Jackson’s mouth and suddenly all eyes were on him. Youngjae tried to smile, but the corner of his lips suddenly felt too heavy. He looked at Jackson instead.

No one said anything once he finished speaking. It wasn’t exactly an ideal reaction; it wasn’t the worst one either. There weren’t any tears, no one was yelling. The silence was deafening though. Jackson’s mother acted first. She stood from the table and walked around it so that she was at Jackson’s side. Her arms wrapped around him and Youngjae could hear the muffled sound of a cry. It sounded like it came from Jackson.

***

“I’m so happy I never have to do that again,” Jackson said, wrapping himself around Youngjae’s back. They were in bed after taking a shower. Youngjae had already turned all of the lights off in the hotel room. “Telling everyone at once was the way to go.”

“You do love dramatic announcements,” Youngjae said. “I’m happy it went well.”

“It wasn’t perfect though,” Jacksons said. “My grandparents still aren’t convinced. They think I just haven’t met the right woman yet. At least they didn’t disown me.”

“They love you too much to do that,” Youngjae said. “I don’t think I’ll be invited for any more dinners though.”

“I’ll keep bringing you to them,” Jackson said, kissing his shoulder. “With or without an invite.”

Their hands linked together over Youngjae’s stomach. Jackson’s chest was pressed against his back. He was surprised that he wanted to be the big spoon. Usually when Jackson was stressed out he wanted Youngjae to be the one holding him. Youngjae didn’t mind though. He would never complain about being in Jackson’s arms.

“What did you say to them?” Youngjae asked. “I couldn’t understand anything you said.”

“Honestly, it was such a blur, I can barely remember,” Jackson said. “I definitely said that I was gay and that I’m the same person I’ve always been and that I’m madly in love with you and you feel the same way about me.”

“Sounds like you covered the essentials.”

“I tried to,” Jackson said. “Telling my brother was so easy. I thought telling everyone else would be too, but the more I sat there, thinking about it, the more scared I got.”

“Well, like you said, it’s over now,” Youngjae said. “You don’t have to tell anyone else.”

“Yeah.”

It had been a long day and it was getting close to midnight. That meant it was almost 1 AM back home in Seoul. Youngjae closed his eyes and got himself comfortable.

“What would happen if I just posted on Instagram right now that we’re together?” Jackson said. “What if I just told the whole world?”

“Only bad things would happen,” Youngjae said. “I know it’s tempting though. I get tempted by the idea sometimes too.”

“You do?”

“Of course,” Youngjae said. “Especially when teenage girls call you ‘daddy’ on the internet.”

“Okay now you’re joking,” Jackson said. “Don’t make fun of me. I’m being serious. What’s stopping me from making a post?”

“I am,” Youngjae said. “Hyung, our careers would be over. It would be the end of everything.”

“You’re right,” Jackson said. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I just like the idea of everyone knowing that you’re mine.”

“I like that idea too,” Youngjae said. “Now stop talking and let me get some sleep.”

“Yes, baby.”

He managed to fall asleep easily after that. It was a dreamless sleep, one that would have usually resulted in him sleeping past his alarm. Tonight was different though. He woke up to the sound of his phone vibrating on the nightstand. Youngjae opened his eyes, reaching for his phone and bringing it to his face. The light from the screen was blinding in the dark room, so he took some time to let his eyes adjust. Once he could see without squinting, he read Jaebeom’s name on his phone.

Carefully, Youngjae lifted Jackson’s arm that was still around his waist. He got off the bed and used the light from his phone as a flashlight to guide his way to the bathroom. After closing the door, he sat down on the toilet and read the message.

**I know you’re probably asleep since it’s late in Shanghai, but I need someone to talk to. Text me when you get this. No need to rush.**

Youngjae tried not to roll his eyes. After all this time, Jaebeom still found it difficult to ask for the attention he needed. If he sent Youngjae this message, he needed someone to talk to right now, not later. Youngjae knew that if he called him in the morning, Jaebeom would just brush off the text and not open up to him. He called Jaebeom, hoping that he could keep his voice soft enough so that he wouldn’t wake up Jackson.

“Hey, I didn’t think you’d still be awake,” Jaebeom said after answering the phone.

“Your text woke me up,” Youngjae said. “What’s up?”

“Isn’t it like 3 AM over there?” Jaebeom said. “You should be sleeping.”

“Stop deflecting,” Youngjae said. “What’s going on?”

The thing with Jaebeom was that if Youngjae didn’t push him, he would never get an open and honest response.

“Mark’s doing better,” Jaebeom said. “Being around his family has helped a lot. They’re really taking care of him.”

“Good,” Youngjae said. “I’m glad. He needs to let people take care of him. How are you doing?”

“Fine,” Jaebeom said. “I’m fine.”

“And Yugyeom?” Youngjae asked.

Jaebeom didn’t respond immediately. Youngjae could picture him in the Tuan family’s backyard, looking at the pool and keeping in the shade to stay out of the California sun. He hoped Jaebeom had been socializing at least a little bit with Mark’s family.

“I’m so happy he’s here, Jae,” he said finally. “Fuck, I don’t think I could have done this without him. He keeps making Mark laugh. It’s been so long since I’ve heard him laugh and Yugyeom makes him so happy and–” He took a breath and Youngjae could tell that he was feeling overwhelmed. “This is all so fucked. I don’t know what I’m doing. Mark is my mate and I can’t do anything for him. Every time I talk to him, he looks so miserable. If I had just controlled myself and never mated with him then none of this would have ever happened.”

“Hyung, stop,” Youngjae said. “You can’t think like that. No one could have predicted what happened. You need time to heal too.”

“I know,” Jaebeom said. “I know that, but… I just need Mark to be okay. I can’t think about myself when he’s in so much pain.”

“You’re in pain too, hyung,” Youngjae said. “You can’t just ignore that. Mark-hyung sees a therapist, right? Maybe you should too. I know all you want to do is take care of him, but you have to look out for yourself too. Please, hyung.”

“I’ll look into it,” Jaebeom said after a full minute of silence. “I should let you go. You’re probably exhausted. Thanks for calling.”

“Thanks for texting,” Youngjae said. “You can tell me anything.”

“Goodnight, Jae.”

“Goodnight, hyung.”

Youngjae left the bathroom and was relieved to see that Jackson was still asleep. He lied down next to him in bed, trying his best to return to their spooning position. His chances of falling back into a relaxing, dreamless sleep were slim now. All he could think about was Mark and Jaebeom and Yugyeom. He didn’t know what was going to eventually happen between the three of them, but he knew he would be there for every step of the way. Youngjae just hoped that it wouldn’t end with any of them getting hurt.


	28. Chapter 28

“Who are you texting?” Brian asked. “You haven’t stopped smiling since you picked up your phone.”

“Jackson-hyung,” Youngjae said. “He just finished filming a show in China and he’s sleep deprived. He’s saying some very weird things.”

The “weird things” weren’t anything new to Youngjae. He had been working on the dance show in China for a few weeks now. The filming hours were long and Jackson never had any time while he was working to call Youngjae. So, instead he texted him once he was done. The texts were usually complete nonsense that went on for paragraphs. Youngjae had fun deciphering them.

“What kind of weird things?” Brian asked.

Today’s text had been a long string of compliments for Youngjae, starting with his hair and ending with the fingernail of the pinky on his right hand.

“Ramblings,” Youngjae said. “It’s kind of an inside joke. I don’t think it would make much sense to you.”

“Jackson is a pretty random guy,” Brian said. “I haven’t talked to him in so long. We work at the same company, but I rarely see him when he’s in Korea.”

“Well, we didn’t talk that much either before we became DJs together,” Youngjae said.

“That’s true,” Brian said. “I’m happy we’ve gotten closer.”

“Me too, hyung.”

Youngjae loved working with the other members of his group, but there was something so rewarding about having solo schedules. He hosted Idol Radio every day with Brian and, while it had been a little awkward at first, they were quickly becoming good friends. It was nice, being able to text Jackson about his own work instead of only being able to ask Jackson about what he was working on. They had more to talk about and the distance didn’t seem as bad anymore. It was like they were slowly becoming experts at a long distance relationship.

“Are you going home right after this?” Brian asked as they took the elevator down to the lobby. “We could get something to eat together if you’re hungry.”

“Maybe tomorrow,” Youngjae said. “I’m hanging out with Jinyoung and Bambam tonight.”

“You’re willingly being a third wheel?”

“It’s not that bad.”

He actually wasn’t looking forward to it at all, but Youngjae kept postponing plans with them. Spending time with them was fun, but sometimes being a third wheel did make feel a little sad. Long distance had gotten easier, but that was because there was always an end in sight. Things were different now. Jackson was busier than ever before and Youngjae didn’t know when he was coming back to Korea.

When he arrived at Jinyoung and Bambam’s place, he braced himself for his allergies to immediately start bothering him. He told them that he was only staying for a quick dinner. Luckily, Coco could be used as an excuse in his favor. He would have to go home to check on her, so he wouldn’t stay long.

“It’s a mess in here,” Jinyoung said after he opened the door for Youngjae. “Bambam has finally lost his mind.”

“I thought he lost his mind a long time ago,” Youngjae said.

“Really?” Jinyoung said. “When was that?”

“You two started dating in 2016, right?”

“You’re not funny, Youngjae.”

He disagreed. Youngjae thought he could be pretty funny.

Jinyoung hadn’t been exaggerating when he said the apartment was a mess. It wasn’t dirty, just cluttered. On every flat surface were stacks of books and magazines. Sticky notes covered everything. A whiteboard was on one side of the room, covered with Thai that Youngjae couldn’t understand at all.

“Wedding planning?” Youngjae said.

“We can’t even get married this year because of the virus,” Jinyoung said. “I don’t know when we can think about setting a date. That hasn’t stopped him though.”

“He said you two were having three weddings,” Youngjae said. “It’s a lot to plan.”

“Two,” Jinyoung said. “We’re having two weddings.”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Youngjae said. “We both know you always let Bambam get his way.”

“I don’t _always_ –”

“Yes, you do.”

“Okay, maybe I do,” Jinyoung said.

Bambam was in the kitchen, talking to one of their cats while he cooked. Youngjae walked up behind him and rested his chin on his shoulder to see what Bambam was making.

“Hey, hyung,” Bambam said. “How was work?”

“It was fun,” Youngjae said. “Brian-hyung and I are getting more comfortable around each other.”

“Hopefully not too comfortable,” Bambam said, nudging him with his elbow. “Jackson might have something to say about that.”

“He’s already said plenty,” Youngjae said. “Do you want me to tell you what he texted me the other day?”

“How ridiculous is it?”

“He’s lost his mind.”

“Please tell me what he said then,” Bambam said.

Youngjae got out his phone, scrolling up through his messages with Jackson. He finally found the text he had been sent a few days ago.

“Let me read it for you,” Youngjae said. “‘I like Brian. He’s a cool guy and I’m not mad that you’re spending so much time with him. I trust you with other men and I trust him, but I also wouldn’t be mad if he thought about fucking you sometimes, because you’re gorgeous and everyone should want to fuck you, so really I’d be insulted if he wasn’t attracted to you.’”

“Those two weeks in quarantine really did a number on him, huh?” Bambam asked.

“His mind can definitely go to some weird places,” Youngjae said.

The text had made him laugh the first time he read it. It was a strangely worded, somehow flattering message to receive. He knew that Jackson was attracted to him, but seeing him say that he would be frustrated if other people didn’t experience that same attraction was definitely a… unique compliment.

“Have you seen Yugyeom lately?” Youngjae asked.

“Yeah, we were together yesterday,” Bambam said. “He had a second date with someone.”

“A second date?” Youngjae said. “He never goes on second dates.”

“I know,” Bambam said. “I think he really likes this girl. Or at least he’s good at pretending that he does. I can never tell with him anymore.”

Bambam didn’t sound like he was interested in pushing Yugyeom to be more honest with him. None of them were. Sometimes pushing didn’t work and only time could work things out. They would have to be patient.

“How’s wedding planning going?” Youngjae asked.

“It’s going as well as it can go,” Bambam said. “I can’t book anything since we don’t have a date or a venue. I’ve just been researching companies and trying to perfect the aesthetic I’m going for.”

“Jinyoung-hyung is letting you plan it all by yourself?” Youngjae asked.

“I tried to help,” Jinyoung said. He picked up the gray cat (whose name Youngjae was almost positive was King) from the counter and cradled him against his chest. “All of my choices were ‘wrong’ though.”

“I never said they were wrong,” Bambam said. “I said they were bad. You don’t have any taste.”

“I really fell in love with the sweetest person alive, huh?” Jinyoung said, dropping a kiss onto Bambam’s shoulder.

There was so much love in his voice that Youngjae didn’t even think he was being sarcastic. He was quickly reminded why spending time with them could be too much for him sometimes. They were so in love and that love didn’t show any signs of weakening. Or at least becoming more understated.

Since Bambam was cooking, not Jinyoung, Youngjae didn’t have to worry about a potential case of food poisoning. Their affection wasn’t as strong as they ate and Youngjae was actually able to enjoy being in their company. After dinner he helped Jinyoung do the dishes while Bambam kept the cats occupied in the other room.

“His last heat was a lot stronger than usual,” Jinyoung said. “His doctor thinks that his suppressants won’t be doing him any good for much longer.”

“I thought she said Bam would have years before his heats became unbearable.”

“She said that years ago,” Jinyoung said. He handed Youngjae a bowl that he had finished washing. “They’re going to get so bad that only mating with an alpha will keep them at a manageable intensity.”

“And you’re worried about mating with him?” Youngjae said.

“Yeah,” Jinyoung said with a sigh. “I want to mate with him. We’re getting married. Obviously he’s the only one for me. Mating would result in a pregnancy though and we’re not ready for kids and, well, Mark.”

“Right, Mark,” Youngjae said.

It had been seven months since they lost the baby. Mark and Jaebeom hadn’t tried again for another child. Youngjae didn’t think they would for a few more years. They were doing better though, especially Mark. Youngjae had dinner with them last week and Mark had smiled throughout, genuinely happy. He had made so much progress and all of that could be ruined if Jinyoung and Bambam announced they were mating soon.

“I know he’ll understand,” Jinyoung said. “He knows how bad Bambam’s heats are getting. I just don’t want to hurt him.”

“You won’t hurt him,” Youngjae said.

Jinyoung didn’t look convinced, but Youngjae knew better than to push at a sensitive issue. He finished helping Jinyoung clean up and then went to the living room to tell Bambam goodbye.

“I’m heading out,” Youngjae said. “Thanks for dinner.”

“Anytime, hyung,” Bambam said, pulling Youngjae into a hug. “Are you talking with Jackson tonight?”

“If he can spare some time for me,” Youngjae said.

“He can always spare some time for you, Youngjae,” Jinyoung said.

He said his goodbyes to them and then left the apartment. As soon as he was outside in the hallway, he could immediately breathe easier. Next time they would have dinner at his place so he wouldn’t have to deal with all of the cats affecting his allergies.

During the trip back home, he thought about how mature they had all gotten. They used to live in a dorm together, eating nothing but instant ramyeon and never cleaning up after themselves. Now they all had their own places and were meeting up for dinner after work and planning two (or three) weddings. They still ate plenty of ramyeon though, so not too much had changed, he supposed.

Coco greeted him at the front door, bright and cheerful and providing him with instant companionship. He scooped her up in his arms and kissed the top of her head several times. Youngjae had thought about taking her to the Idol Radio studio with him, but he kept forgetting to ask the producers if it would be all right. He was sure it would be. She was so well behaved that she wouldn’t cause any problems.

Youngjae took a shower and got changed into his pajamas before settling down in front of his computer. He was about to log into his favorite game when his phone started to ring. After checking the caller ID, he smiled.

“How long is your break this time?” Youngjae asked after answering the phone.

“Twenty minutes,” Jackson said. “I can’t believe you answered the phone with a question. I really am the more romantic one, aren’t I?”

“We’ve known that for a while, hyung,” Youngjae said. “How are you?”

“Tired,” Jackson said. “Nothing new. How was work?”

“It was fun,” Youngjae said, feeling like he was repeating his earlier conversation with Bambam. “Brian-hyung and I are getting a lot closer.”

“Hopefully not too close.”

“I thought you said you would be insulted if he didn’t want to fuck me.”

“That doesn’t mean I actually want him to try and fuck you,” Jackson said. “You’re friends with so many people I don’t know. I have to keep my guard up.”

“I’ve introduced you to all of my friends,” Youngjae said. “Don’t tell me you’re treating Brian like you did Junmyeon-hyung.”

The silence from the other line told Youngjae that Jackson was coming to the realization that that was exactly what he was doing.

“I like to be cautious,” Jackson said. “And I apologized for jumping to conclusions about you and Junmyeon. You two just looked awfully close in that photo.”

“He invited me to see his musical,” Youngjae said. “We’re friends. Besides, I told you I’m not interested in omegas _and_ he has a boyfriend.”

“Yeah, well–”

“You’re friends with his boyfriend.”

“I know,” Jackson said. “I have to see Yixing every day at work so it’s a constant reminder.”

Jackson’s protectiveness could be endearing at times, but it could be a little intense too. Most of his traits were like that. He was a very passionate person.

“I miss you,” Youngjae said. “I hate not knowing when I’ll be able to see you again. Usually I have a date to look forward to.”

“I know,” Jackson said. “I hate it too. I miss you and the other guys and Coco and having sex.”

“That list took a sharp turn,” Youngjae said. “I miss sex too though.”

“You know, 20 minutes is plenty of–”

“I’m not having phone sex with you, hyung,” Youngjae said. “Besides, I’m sure I sent you more than enough material when you were in isolation for two weeks.”

“My phone has been very blessed,” Jackson said. “I guess I’ll make do with what I already have.”

“How about we schedule another day for phone sex?”

“How about tomorrow?”

“Okay,” Youngjae said, laughing a little. “For now, tell me about your day. I want to know everything.”

“Some of it’s pretty boring.”

“I’m sure you can make it interesting.”

Youngjae lied down on the couch, listening to Jackson as he told him all about his busy day. Parts of it were bland, but Youngjae still wanted every single detail. He closed his eyes, imagining that Jackson was sitting next to him instead of in a different country.

“Did you fall asleep on me?” Jackson asked.

“Hm?”

“I just finished and you haven’t said anything in almost a minute.”

“I’m awake,” Youngjae said. “Barely.”

“I should let you go then,” Jackson said. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow for our phone sex date.”

“I can’t wait,” Youngjae said. “Goodnight, hyung.”

“Goodnight.”

Neither one of them hung up. They didn’t speak again either. Youngjae could still hear his breath and the white noise from the other line. Even just knowing that Jackson was still there was comforting to him. They had come such a long way. He remembered when they couldn’t sit in silence with each other. It always made them uncomfortable and reckless, but now Youngjae almost looked forward to the quiet moments they could spend together.

Sometimes he thought about what Jackson used to tell him. Youngjae could find someone else to be with. He could be with a woman who he would be able to marry one day and have children with. He could be with another person who had more time for him and didn’t work overseas for months at a time. Youngjae didn’t regret a single second of being with Jackson though. Even before, when Jackson had broken his heart so many times, he didn’t regret it. If given the chance to turn back time, he wouldn’t change a single thing.

“I love you,” Youngjae said.

They hadn’t spoken for a while, but Jackson was still on the line.

“I love you too, baby.”

Nothing about their relationship was easy, but Youngjae didn’t need something simple to be happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Well, that's all she wrote. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this fic. Especially if you've been reading since Iridescent. There's a lot about this fic in particular that I regret. Some parts of it my heart really wasn't into and I don't think this is anywhere near close to my best work. I still have such a soft spot for this fic though, because not only do I love JackJae, but I'm also proud of myself for not giving up on it. I hope to write another JackJae fic in the future, one that will hopefully do them justice.
> 
> I would love to know what you thought, but don't feel pressured to leave a comment if you don't want to. Silent readers are always appreciated. Hopefully I'll see you all in the next part of this series, which will be from Mark's POV.
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> -Erin  
> [Twitter](https://twitter.com/linksofmemories)  
> [Curious Cat](https://curiouscat.me/linksofmemories)


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